Perverted narcissism in men: signs, opposition

Definition of the concept

Perverted narcissism is a type of narcissistic personality disorder characterized by a person’s tendency to use moral violence in romantic relationships. A distinctive feature of this personality disorder is the ability to incorrectly perceive a situation and pervertedly interpret the actions of other people.

A perverted narcissist is not truly interested in anyone other than himself. In relationships with people, he is characterized by two polarities: either the young man idealizes his interaction partner or devalues ​​him.

If someone once managed to win his sympathy, this does not mean that the narcissist will not soon discard him. His self-perception is changeable: he either perceives himself as flawless, or thinks that he is insignificant. When the period of admiration and narcissism is replaced by awareness of one’s own vices, the individual suffers and tries to assert himself through humiliating relationships with others.

It can be very difficult to recognize a perverse narcissist, because its owner is thrown from one polarity to another. A person with this feature may be perceived by others as a person with high self-esteem (during a period of narcissism) or as a person with a heightened sense of guilt (during a period of personal crisis). Socially, this personality is always successful; the pathological character hardly manifests itself in relationships with male colleagues and friends.

The pathology of self-perception in a man with perverted narcissism manifests itself in relationships with women. His partner suffers from attention deficit disorder. Sooner or later she will understand that her inner world is not of interest to a man, she is simply the person who should exalt him. She suffers because she does not receive an emotional response from her partner in the relationship.

Depending on the psychological maturity of the individual, there are 2 options for the development of a love relationship with a perverted narcissist. The girl, tired of the man’s narcissism, puts an end to the relationship. This scenario occurs when the girl has a healthy self-concept.

If a girl also has real signs of narcissism in her character, then she turns into a victim for a perverted narcissist man. In this case, a woman is perceived by a man as a thing.

What is hidden behind the outer shell?

Behind the external gloss and ostentatious grandeur, the narcissist hides his inner emptiness, which torments him. It is also called the “narcissistic hole.” He strives to fill it with a career, material success, fame, recognition of others, etc., but all achievements seem to “seep through the sand,” bringing only short-term joy, and nothing more. And after that there is again a feeling of emptiness and the pursuit of “filler.” “Small” victories do not satisfy and do not give satisfaction, so the narcissist waits for a big victory, hoping that it will finally “patch up” his “holes.” However, the tragedy is that he will never have enough, and the more ways and means he has already tried to “fill the void,” the less chance he has. Therefore, the suffering of narcissists who “already have everything” is most intense and suffocating.

The narcissist does not consider it possible to show others his inner emptiness. Therefore, a compensatory mechanism is triggered here: one’s own grandiosity. And the narcissist’s greatest fear is that the screen of grandiosity will fall and he will be exposed. Hence the constant feeling of falsehood, shame, envy, disappointment.

The narcissist is characterized by polar states - from a sense of his greatness and superiority to complete devaluation of himself, experiencing his own weakness and insignificance. This is because he makes unrealistically high demands (both on himself and on others) and cannot admit any weaknesses or mistakes. However, every person has them, and wisdom lies in the ability to accept them.

Lack of self-acceptance leads to oversensitivity to shame and humiliation. Shame is a feeling of discomfort due to the fact that others see you as bad or insignificant. And allowing this to happen to a narcissist is very painful.

Diagram of the relationship between a perverted narcissist and a victim

The narcissist chooses his victim from among strong, bright, purposeful, active, interesting female representatives. A narcissistic man draws vital energy from his chosen one. But he understands that a strong personality will not allow him to use himself. Therefore, it will form in the victim a feeling of guilt, various phobias and doubts. There are cases where, within a few months of a relationship, strong girls became exhausted, and some even committed suicide.

First stage

The initial period of a relationship with a perverted narcissist is like a honeymoon. The girl rejoices at gratuitous gifts, gorgeous bouquets, and pleasant surprises. A narcissist man uses beautiful gestures towards a girl to tie her to himself.

The romantic period of a relationship with a perverted narcissist quickly ends.

Second phase

The girl begins to get annoyed by the need to constantly admire her partner. When he doesn't have the opportunity to feed his self-esteem with her energy, he gets angry. He experiences discomfort and begins to doubt his attractiveness. Aggression, envy and vindictiveness are becoming more and more clearly visible in his behavior.

A man blocks a woman’s attempts to start a conversation about feelings and emotions. To do this, he uses a change of topic, jokes, ridicule, twitching. The narcissist ensures that his beloved takes the blame for the negative changes that have occurred in the relationship. If this happens, it means that the girl has fallen into the trap of a perverted narcissist. From now on, the man will destroy her self-esteem through humiliation and moral violence.

The tyrant keeps the victim on a short leash. The love relationship between a young man and a girl resembles the relationship between a sadist and a masochist.

At this stage, the man is afraid of losing the victim, so if necessary, the tyrant will move the relationship back to the honeymoon stage, and then begin to humiliate her again. The victim finds himself in a vicious circle of relationships with manipulation.

Over time, the narcissist’s cruelty increases, and he can move from moral violence to physical violence.

The man’s behavior resembles the clinical picture of a patient with bipolar personality disorder, and the victim, being codependent with him, cannot refuse his whims. It turns out that the narcissist gains total power over the victim.

Third stage

At this stage, the narcissist may suddenly disappear from the victim's life. He ignores any of her attempts to sort things out. Psychologists believe that a perverse narcissist chooses this model of behavior in order to create the illusion of unpredictability in a love relationship. In reality, he acts in accordance with cold calculation. The man's task is to disorient the girl. Cause her to misinterpret the facts. At the same time, the narcissist tries to make the girl feel guilty. Typical phrases from his side are:

• “You react too painfully to criticism”;
• “You always complicate everything!”;
• “None of what you are talking about happened”;
• "You're contradicting yourself."

It is at this stage that the victim realizes the futility of the relationship with this person, because:

• there is no respect for the girl in the relationship;
• deceit appears;
• the partner demonstrates emotional deafness;
• it is impossible to calmly discuss some issue;
• in behavior the man demonstrates immorality, ignores moral principles;
• blackmail and ultimatums take place;
• gaslighting appears.

As a result of all this, the victim's self-esteem decreases, and emotional dissatisfaction with the relationship increases. The woman's self-concept collapses. If a girl is suggestible, she may develop depression.

End of a relationship

If a perverted narcissist realizes that the victim has weakened psychologically to the point that he can no longer feed him, he leaves without regret. I must say that this is the best option for ending a relationship with such a man.

It is very difficult for a woman to break off a relationship with a perverted narcissist on her own initiative. Such a man will not let go of his victim, who has become weak and convenient for him. In addition, codependent relationships do not allow the victim to finally put an end to the relationship.

If a woman insists on breaking up, the tyrant can blackmail her, threaten her, promise that he will commit suicide if she leaves. If the girl decides to stay, the narcissist may change his behavior for a short period of time, but soon all the problems will get worse.

Circle four Ice shower

This is the first direct act of aggression against you. Sudden, cruel, cynical and... unmotivated. The narcissist uses various techniques as an “ice shower”: sudden disappearance without explanation; causeless cooling; treason; total depreciation; disruption of any serious event or event, including a wedding; self-exposure (“leave me, I’m vicious to the core”), and possible physical violence. During the ice shower stage, the narcissist often uses gaslighting. –

making you doubt your own sanity when he denies what he said or did. Pinned to the wall by irrefutable evidence, he immediately “leaks the topic” and switches to analyzing your shortcomings.

In any case, the impression should be created that it is you and only you who are to blame for everything.

Often, an “icy shower” hits you immediately after a situation of special intimacy, sexual or simply emotional, as it seemed, complete mutual understanding. The “ice shower” is intended to scare the possible loss of a relationship and stimulate subsequent obedience.

When trying to stop this madness and break the connection, the narcissistic personality puts on a “sugar show” - asks for forgiveness, takes pity, for example, with health problems and vows not to do this again. It's just a manipulation that works well. They are simply incapable of sincere repentance, as you will see very soon.

How to recognize a perverted narcissist

Recognizing a perverted narcissist is quite difficult. According to psychologists, this pathology is indicated by a combination of such personal characteristics of a man as specific character traits, attitude towards himself and towards other people, alexithymia.

Character of a narcissist

A person with a perverse version of narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by the following character traits:

• duplicity;
• vulnerability, painful perception of criticism;
• the need for admiration from others, the desire to always be in the center of attention;
• rapid mood changes;
• high self-esteem;
• romance;
• gallantry;
• the ability to look beautifully in public, thereby making an impression on others;
• desire for dominance and power;
• the desire to take the relationship to a new level as soon as possible in order to bind the victim more closely to oneself;
• a tendency to talk about unsuccessful relationships with girls in the past, which, in the opinion of the narcissist, were ruined by his chosen one;
• tendency to manipulate in interpersonal relationships;
• lack of empathy;
• envy and tendency to gossip;
• inability to forgive people;
• vindictiveness;
• selfish motives in behavior and communication;
• avoidance of responsibility, inability to admit one's mistakes.

Alexithymia

The emotional-volitional sphere of the perverted narcissist is poorly developed. Such people cannot correctly interpret voice intonations and do not notice changes in the interlocutor’s facial expression. They cannot track their own emotional experiences, although they perfectly depict them. Their facial expressions and gestures resemble acting.

They are incapable of empathy and emotional support. In situations where a person tells him about his grief, the narcissist is likely to answer: “It’s your own fault! You yourself allow people to treat you like that!”

Attitude to the world and people

A man with perverted narcissism sees the world as a large playroom, and the people in it are his toys or puppets. He likes to watch people, calculate possible options for enslaving girls.

It gives him great pleasure to see another person suffer. The success of someone he knows irritates and angers him; he can only rejoice in his own success.

Attitude towards yourself

A perverted narcissist puts himself on a pedestal and looks down on others. He likes to assert himself at the expense of others. He loves to be the center of attention. All his actions are motivated by the desire to impress others, to be recognized, to be exceptional.

Circle six Juicer

If you are still in the relationship despite the obvious destruction of your personality and health that occurred in the previous stage, then you move on to a new level of merciless abuse. The “juicer” will finally transform you from a person into a thing, a set of necessary functions.

First of all, your health will become completely unusable, which can be caused by dietary restrictions, refusal to buy medications or necessary care, insistence on pregnancy or abortion, not to mention the lack of basic help in running the home and raising children. Such neglect of a loved one (“neglect”) can take different forms – from deprivation of sleep and rest, overfeeding or underfeeding, forced changes in appearance, including operations, to driving one crazy and being placed in a psychiatric clinic. It is also quite possible to drive the victim to suicide.

In parallel with undermining your health, your narcissist will create threats to your safety, interfere with your work or creativity, harm your projects, extort money, publicly ridicule, induce you to engage in sexual practices that are unacceptable to you or cheat on you, and simply force you to do anything or everything. instead of him, simultaneously spreading vile gossip about you and converting your friends and acquaintances to his side.

The goal of the aggressor is to achieve complete control, as well as your complete isolation, to deprive you of a circle of support and the opportunity to ask for help.

You are given the image of a clingy neurasthenic, a pathological jealous person, a brainless fool and other inadequate people. Violence is taking increasingly savage forms, including deliberate damage to what is dear to you, including cruel treatment or even killing of your pets. The narcissist may also threaten you with serious harm or suicide. At this stage, leaving requires a huge amount of mental and physical strength, the ability not to succumb to threats or exhortations that will certainly follow the announcement of your departure.

Causes of the disorder

The formation of perverted narcissism in a man may be due to the following reasons:

• genetic predisposition (if one of the boy’s parents had this disorder, it is highly likely that he will also develop this pathology);
• raising a child in a single-parent family;
• emotional coldness of parents in their relationship with their son;
• mistakes in upbringing (if in childhood, overly strict parents constantly reproached the boy for something, put him in an unfavorable light in the eyes of their friends and relatives, and publicly punished him, then such a child will bring with him perverted narcissism into adulthood);
• psychotrauma in childhood;
• spoiledness and permissiveness in childhood;
• lack of hobbies.

The process of pathology formation

In early childhood, primary narcissism, like innate self-love, is the norm. The child perceives himself and his mother as one whole and narcissistically turns his mother’s love towards himself. With normal child development, primary narcissism transforms into object love as it grows older. A healthy sense of self-love is the key to success in life, however, childhood narcissistic injury disrupts the normal formation of self-esteem and contributes to the development of personality disorders. The inability of parents to unconditionally love their child, to distinguish him from the crowd, to show a special attitude towards him leads to the fact that primary narcissism is transformed into an increased sense of self-rejection and shame. Such a person will subsequently try to prove to the world his super-importance in order to protect himself from unpleasant feelings and emotions. If a child is spoiled beyond measure, then primary narcissism will not be transformed into love for other people, but will acquire a hypertrophied regressive form, and an unfounded sense of omnipotence will remain in the absence of real skills. A deep sense of inferiority will lead to the formation of a personality disorder.

How to deal with a perverted narcissist

There is no way to fix a perverted narcissist. If a person himself wants to get rid of this mental disorder, he should contact a psychiatrist, clinical psychologist or psychotherapist. Perverse narcissism can be treated with medication, but not every man will agree to visit a psychiatrist, since people with this diagnosis are not aware of their problem. Even if a person with such a diagnosis seeks help from specialists, the effect of drug treatment and psychotherapeutic sessions does not last long.

The easiest way to protect yourself from personality destruction is to refuse a relationship with an unhealthy partner.

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Narcissism is one of the most common personality disorders, which is known not only among psychologists. But, unlike experts, ordinary people can call anyone a narcissist who does not hesitate to demonstrate self-confidence in situations in which it is customary to behave modestly and even derogatorily. In this state, anyone who has the courage to declare their talents and merits can be suspected.

But what exactly is narcissistic disorder?

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Methods of confrontation

How can a partner emerge victorious in the fight against a perverted narcissist? The essence of confronting a perverted narcissist is the final and irrevocable severance of the relationship. To resist the narcissist's antics, you will have to spend a lot of effort. In order to have enough personal resources to fight, you need to constantly maintain adequate self-esteem and self-respect.

The only way to put a perverted narcissist in his place is to ignore him. How to do it? It is better to delete his messages on social networks without even opening them. It is also better to ignore calls to your mobile phone. This will help you stay on the right path.

The best way to counter narcissistic behavior is to ignore it. If you happen to meet by chance on the street, under no circumstances should you stop and engage in dialogue! If the girl responds to the narcissist's greeting, we can assume that victory is on his side. He will turn on all his charm, and she will again be in his power.

My recommendations

For several years I have been teaching a course for high school students on “Ethics and Psychology of Family Life.” In lectures and practical classes, I teach boys and girls to consciously approach the choice of a partner.

In my opinion, you need to put an end to a love relationship if:

1. During dating, discomfort arises. If in the presence of a person there is causeless anxiety, anxiety, then this is not your person. You need to trust your intuition.
2. The partner behaves aggressively and allows cruelty. You should be wary of any manifestations of cruelty: in relationships with parents, with colleagues, with animals.
3. Haste in relationships. If your partner rushes the development of events: he suggests intimacy on the first date or living together after several meetings, it is better not to meet with him again.
4. Your partner’s attempts to reduce your communication with relatives and friends to a minimum. In addition to love relationships, each of us has other social circles. Your partner does not have the right to control your communication with friends and set a limit on visits to relatives.
5. Explicit and hidden manipulations. In order to learn to recognize manipulation, you will have to get acquainted with social psychology.
6. Your partner's desire to establish total control over you. If a person has everything in order mentally, he will not read your correspondence with friends, demand a report on the money spent, call every hour, wanting to know where you are and with whom.
7. Ignoring your needs. It is impossible to build a healthy relationship with an egoist. It's better not to even try to do this. If you see that your partner is not interested in anyone or anything other than himself, you need to run away from him and not look back.

If a relationship with a partner does not bring happiness, it needs to end. It doesn’t matter at all what your parents or friends advise. Everyone builds their own happiness, but someone else’s soul is darkness.