People who have negative traits often become the cause of toxic relationships. They can first create a false sense of security and then destroy your self-esteem. In toxic relationships, victims are often convinced that they are the problem, so they end up taking on the man's negative criticism. This can be confusing. Unfortunately, you may not even realize that you are in a relationship with a toxic person.
Here are the signs in the character of a man with whom a relationship will be toxic.
He's jealous of you
Does your partner behave politely, but deep down he envies and hates you? He may secretly compete or compare himself to you. Does he feel pain when you are successful or happy? Many who are dissatisfied with their lives hide their own disappointment when others achieve success or share good news.
Toxic partners feel inadequate and hide behind a smile, say nothing or say something negative in order to minimize their disappointment and prevent a blow to their self-esteem.
They feel like failures compared to the success of others. This highlights that they have not lived up to their own expectations. It seems unfair that others have done it better. You can't go higher. Otherwise, the man will crush you with destructive envy. He feels unhappy because of your happiness and may try to bring you down to lift himself up.
Curd and berry cake without baking “Raspberries and cappuccino”: a recipe for a fragrant dessert
Sun protection UV layer: what else to look for when buying a good greenhouse
“It turned out that we had to fight for the truth”: how Bodrov grew up to be a good person
What to do if your husband provokes a scandal - 5 tips:
1. Remove your fear of the next provocation.
Everything begins and happens someday, and once upon a time there was the first provocation to a scandal from your husband. You most likely took it at face value that he was dissatisfied with something, and perhaps you yourself were guilty of something. Well, just think, quarrels and quarrels happen to everyone, the most important thing is to draw conclusions. But... then, the provocation was repeated, and then again and again, and so they went one after another.
Sometimes, there are short respites, you hope that everything is over, he has come to his senses... and then again there is a scandal, your hassle, tears, hysterics, guilt and fear... the fear that this will happen again.
And since you are in the unknown, and have absolutely no idea what will lead him this time, fear settles inside you. Whether you are aware of fear or not is not so important, although you can ask yourself right now: “Am I afraid (afraid, afraid) of the next quarrel out of the blue?”
If the answer is yes, then you should work with this fear. The fact is that when you feel fear, you broadcast it into space. Your fear, like a magnet, attracts events in which you will again feel fear. It’s like a vicious circle - you experience fear - you attract an event (quarrel, conflict) - you experience fear. Your husband, on a subconscious level, feels your feelings and implements this “request”.
You need to break this vicious circle, as soon as you are inside, you live without fear, then your husband will not need to implement this scenario.
You can learn more about how to work with fears
Realize that you are not to blame for anything!
Provocations are based on a feeling of guilt, the provocateur tries to put pressure on a “sore spot”, to draw your attention to some kind of shortcoming, moreover, most often exaggerated. Guilt is one of the most destructive emotional states and leads to decreased self-esteem, self-worth and self-confidence.
If you are also a perfectionist, then you become an easy prey for your husband. Perfectionists strive to be perfect, they need to do everything with an A plus.
And provoking the husband into quarrels in view of what was not done well enough, a perfectionist, meets the husband’s claims as deserved, and even sometimes, is grateful for the criticism and for helping him become better.
In such cases, attention should be directed to eradicating perfectionism and reducing feelings of guilt. Then, as a provocateur, it will be difficult to get hold of you, because this question will be irrelevant for you and you will not respond to it.
I suggest watching the video “If they make you guilty”
Calm and more calm!
The purpose of provoking a scandal is your acute emotions, which means that if your husband provokes you, then he expects a violent reaction, this could be:
- Increased tone of voice;
- Screaming, hysteria;
- Breaking dishes;
- Tears, crying, etc.
Look, if you don't do all this, i.e. If you don’t fall for his manipulation and behave calmly, as if nothing is happening, then he won’t be able to be an actor in one theater for a long time.
I understand how difficult it is to restrain the inner desire to tear him to pieces, say nasty things, etc. But you need to learn to fence yourself off from his manipulation of your mood, a “reinforced concrete wall” in the form of inner peace.
Especially if you are emotional and react to any word or action, you immediately begin to start a showdown.
There is good news! You can learn to manage your emotions! Feelings of anger, indignation, hatred, malice, etc., you can control and not experience, and therefore not show them outside.
As soon as you do not show or broadcast your feelings, your husband will not be able to control your mood and your emotions. After all, now, at any moment, he “turns on” you with half a kick, with half a word in some specific intonation. It’s as if you are constantly in a trance, and some of the words spoken by him affect you like a red rag on a bull.
I want to draw your attention to one thing! In such difficult situations, when there are constant provocations to scandal, you need to learn to have inner peace! If there is no inner peace, then you have an erupting volcano inside!
Even if you don’t say anything, not a word, your husband reads very well that the volcano will soon explode. That's what he needs. Our external behavior depends entirely on our internal state.
Self-esteem.
Now that you have frequent quarrels in your family, you don’t look like a woman with a strong sense of inner dignity.
A woman with a sense of inner dignity knows exactly what she wants? She will not tolerate a man’s bad attitude towards her, and most likely, a man will not allow himself to treat her badly.
Why? But because she simply will not be next to him, she knows her worth and knows what a man should be.
I am sure that your husband behaves very respectfully with some women and will never allow a rude word towards them
Yes, you can say it's good to show dignity when you're alone and don't have children... but...
What keeps you near this man? What's stopping you from turning around and leaving?
Many things, you say... living space, financial problems, children need a father, etc.
And most likely, it is fear. And this fear forces you to adapt, endure, be a victim and derail your life.
You can always find a way out of any situation, even the most hopeless, you just need to make an effort and believe in yourself.
It’s never too late to cultivate self-esteem, even if there is a person nearby who is constantly trying to provoke you to behave like a person without a sense of inner dignity.
Confidence in yourself, in your actions, words.
This point is the most important. Self-confidence is the inner core on which you rely, without reacting at all to various provocations from the outside.
Look, if you are confident in yourself, you feel your self-worth, then you will immediately see all the ins and outs of your husband’s actions. With the help of provocations, he tries to humiliate you, to show that you are worthless, but this only works with people who are not confident in themselves, doubt themselves.
Insecure people are a treasure trove for manipulators; they will find many points that, when pressed, will cause you great pain. A bad wife, a bad mother, a bad housewife, you don’t look right, and 100-500 reasons why you won’t be so good in his opinion.
Having self-confidence, you will soberly evaluate the accusations, criticism, and evaluate for yourself whether he is right or wrong? And most likely, he will be wrong.
Therefore, be confident in yourself, evaluate yourself on your own merits and do not listen to your husband when he tries to lower you below the baseboard.
I really hope that I was able to answer your request - what to do if your husband provokes scandals?
Will you apply these tips in your life? Write in the comments.
Be loved and happy!
Sincerely, family psychologist Natalia Gnezdilova.
IMPORTANT! Don't forget to download the free checklist “22 phrases that will save your relationship”
My courses and trainings
Sign up for a consultation
He criticizes or devalues you to build himself up.
If you are in a toxic relationship with someone who suffers from narcissistic personality disorder, they may experience pleasure in suppressing success by beating them or making devaluing comments to put themselves up. He doesn't even feel inadequate, but criticizes others in order to rise higher.
He inflates his self-esteem to convince others of how good he is, but in reality this is not the case at all. Because he feels superior, he never shows approval.
A fine line
All the fears of men (and girls, too, by the way) about losing themselves in the event of an apology are based on the fact that it is not always easy to understand one’s guilt. Many people are accustomed to never admitting their guilt, but they usually remain lonely in adulthood. No one wants to commit themselves to a person who loves and values only himself.
On the other hand, if you encourage your partner for far-fetched grievances, then you really can lose self-respect, lose yourself. Therefore, it is very important to feel the difference.
- You need to watch your actions, especially in relation to people you care about.
- It should be important to you how a person feels.
- If you really offend, you need to correct the situation, apologize.
- If you apologize when there is no guilt, you lose your personal boundaries and your importance falls.
The problem is that a person can feel guilty even when he does nothing wrong. But this is a topic for another conversation.
He makes you feel guilty
Toxic people blame others for their mistakes and find ways to hide their actions so they can appear white and fluffy. They will find a way to spin the problem so that it is your fault.
A weak man avoids humiliation caused by shame in every possible way, so he distorts the truth and tries not to take responsibility in order to hide his mistakes. He does this by finding faults in others and blaming them for their presence.
If he lost his job, it's entirely the boss's fault. If he broke up with his ex-girlfriend, it was because she constantly cheated and was completely crazy. If he cheated, he did it only so as not to bother you. A toxic man is in an illusion and believes himself to be perfect, so he shifts the blame to others.
A side dish of rice that has an interesting taste. The secret is in the coconut
In the old album there were many photos of girls from the USSR: it’s difficult to give them 13-15 years old
30 years ago she drove thousands of men crazy: how Nastassja Kinski lives now
Resentments are piling up
You need to understand that the offense must be compensated for by something. She doesn't disappear without a trace. You can’t take it and forget that they treated you wrong and continue to live, pretending that nothing happened. Thus, one of your unredeemed offenses will automatically give rise to others. Did you offend her with lies or betrayal? This is one misdemeanor. But you don’t apologize further - this is the second one. You continue to live with her as if nothing had happened - this is the third. You're lying again - fourth. And so on.
The girl still wants to be with you because she is suffering from the thought of leaving. But now your figure begins to be bound by negativity. She loves you, but you are now associated with pain.
You know that creating distance, ignoring, can increase your importance. And this happens even after an insult. But in fact, each time you become further apart from each other. At some point, what separates you will become greater than what unites you. The situation turns around, and ignoring on your part works in the opposite direction.
He is using you for his own purposes.
Even if you expose your true intentions, the man will deny in every possible way. First he tries to lure you into a relationship. However, he soon rejects or devalues if his needs are not a priority. It can even ruin your success.
A man wants approval, money, love, support from you. However, after the date, he disappears exactly until he needs something again. He pretends that he is interested in you only as long as he gets his own benefit.
He feels good about focusing on himself and using others to achieve his goals. Sometimes he just wants someone to admire or inflate his ego when it's deflated.
The show “The Secret” on TNT makes you wonder: is it possible to start a relationship with the truth?
Unhappy from birth: astrologers named 5 signs with a difficult life
Light waves and more: trendy hairstyles for gray hair 2021
Apology or compensation?
It’s not specifically about the word “sorry.” The offense, if you recognize it, can be assessed in the context of your relationship to understand how serious it is. Apologies are words. And compensation should be adequate to the offense you committed and the attitude towards the person. It is also important to do this in a timely manner, otherwise it will no longer be at the cash register.
Compensation must be adequate in both senses. If it is insufficient, it is bad. But there is no need to try to do more than is adequate to the situation. If your apology, which you consider to be exhaustive, is not accepted, then you need to leave, and not offer more.
What happened when you were late? This is not a girl’s whim, but a feeling of vulnerability, uselessness: “He doesn’t care about my time. Maybe then you won’t care about me?” . Of course, you may think that this is not such a serious offense. And if you try to make it up to him with the usual “sorry” or devalue him - “Come on, don’t sulk” - then you will not correct the situation. But if you clearly say, “Believe me, I don’t give a damn about you. I respect your time as well as mine. This is my mistake, I should have called ,” then this will be sufficient and adequate compensation.
He pretends to be false to hide his rotten essence
Those with toxic personality traits may lull you into a false sense of trust to cloud the critical thinking that helps you spot a creep. However, toxic relationships feel empty because the person is unable to open up about themselves.
He will tell people what they want to hear and imitate what they need in order for them to achieve their own goals. The truth will be revealed when they stop being emotionally available to the needs of others.
Failure to keep promises
Any person is obliged to keep his word: no matter what gender or age he is. You can't get away with breaking promises. If a man does not keep his word once, then this will happen again the second, and the third, and the fifth.
Another thing is force majeure circumstances, when a person simply failed to fulfill his promise. But in this case, a normal man will still apologize and explain that he had a good reason. If a person did not do what he promised and did not repent in any way, then communication with him can be stopped.
He has no sympathy or remorse
He has no sympathy or remorse for how he treats people because he feels that he has the right to behave based only on his own needs and without regard to others.
If a girl does not live up to his expectations, he is completely sure that he can deceive her or look for a relationship on the side.
He pretends to be kind or pretends to be sympathetic to get people to be there and give them what they need. You are only needed if you serve their needs. Otherwise, your feelings don't matter.
Is it bad for a man to apologize?
Let's imagine a situation: you did something that greatly offended your girlfriend, but for some reason you did not apologize to her. By insult I do not mean something far-fetched, but a real offense on your part. You did what you would not want to do to yourself - deception, betrayal, cruelty, disrespect.
As a result, the girl leaves, or at least withdraws very much into herself and does not come out of this state. You want to somehow solve this problem, preferably in a way that you don’t have to apologize. And then you come across one of the articles (videos) on the Internet in which a man advises with complete confidence not to apologize. They say that girls like strong men, and admitting your guilt means humiliating your own manhood in front of her. “It’s better to be offended than to see that you are capable of giving back!”
In such situations, it is often advised to ignore - until she gets tired of being offended, and she herself comes with an apology. Does it work? Yes, sometimes it works. But a limited number of times. Because such relationships don't last long. So these men walk around - proud, but lonely. This is indeed a very convenient strategy. Until you understand that no one really needs you like that.
- A misdemeanor, a bad attitude towards a person, does not go away and is not forgotten.
- Yes, your subjective importance may increase at this moment, but not for long.
- Your figure grows, but at the same time it begins to repel.
- With further grievances, a person makes a strong-willed decision to leave. Even if I have feelings for you.
A girl can really get over herself and put up with you after you offend her. But she can't resist the fact that a wall naturally grows between you. She may be drawn to you, but she is no longer able to overcome the barrier that has arisen - when it becomes large enough after a number of misdeeds. It is much easier to survive the suffering of a breakup than to agree to the eternal role of the victim.
He evaluates you through his own behavior
Toxic people project their feelings of inadequacy onto others, finding something wrong with them. They are delusional and see everyone through their own projections. They accuse you of being a cheat, worthless, selfish, or a fraud, even though they hide it to themselves. You will be attacked or insulted for things that are not true.
For whom Yesenin wrote “Letter to a Woman” - one of the most beautiful poems
What did Vladimir Vysotsky value most in this life (alas, people do not follow him)
Elephants scare away boarding house guests every 3 days (video of an eyewitness from South Africa)
Contempt
Disrespect can manifest itself in different situations and in different areas. Comparison with exes (and not in favor of the current passion), downplaying merits, devaluing achievements, flirting with other women in front of the chosen one - all these are examples of disrespectful attitude. This cannot be forgiven under any circumstances.
Usually this is done by those people who are accustomed to asserting themselves at the expense of others. Until a person works on himself and becomes a self-sufficient person, there is no need to try to build a family with him.
