Secrets of parental authority: how to achieve children's respect

It can be unclear to teenagers how to show love and respect to their parents. During such a period, parents complain that their child has become uncontrollable and does not perceive anything. And the teenage child says how he sees the situation and finds an excuse for his behavior. In addition, grandparents are starting to get involved, and they can be very worried about their grandson or granddaughter, so the circle of people with whom you need to establish relationships in a new way is very wide. If there are several children in a family, then some problems may double. Teenage children themselves need to learn to show love and respect for each other and also for their parents. This is a very difficult task.

Some parents begin to remember themselves and reproach their children. Previously, of course, it is worth noting that the times were really different and the generation of parents actually treated many things differently. But now the time is different, the media and society influence the formation of personality in a completely different way. In this article we will discuss how teenagers can show love and respect for their parents despite the trends of society, but at the same time do it not like in the 18th century. And parents, in turn, can try their children and analyze the timeline and be more understanding and flexible. This article, as you understand, will already be useful for both parents and their teenage children.

Mutual respect between spouses

Of course, a child learns a lot in the social institutions he attends - kindergarten and school. There, many moral concepts are explained and instilled in the children: patriotism, friendship, kindness, etc. However, a child can hear hundreds of times words about the need to respect adults, in particular his parents, but if at home he does not observe a respectful attitude towards each other from his mother and father , then all this will remain just an abstraction for him.

A husband and wife should never point out each other's shortcomings in front of a child, especially since insults are unacceptable. All comments must be made tactfully.

It is unacceptable for spouses to make sarcastic remarks to each other in front of the child, rudely point out shortcomings, much less use insults

If it is customary in a family to make fun of each other, then the child also begins to get carried away; he does not understand that, despite the jokes, parents still need to be respected and obeyed. This style of communication is best avoided in front of children.

Spouses need to show mutual respect more often, say compliments, polite words, provide small but important signs of attention (dad to let mom go first, give a hand, help take a bag, etc.). The child, of course, notices that the parents value each other and begins to treat them accordingly.

Observing the caring and respectful attitude of parents towards each other, the child begins to treat them the same way

My son was visiting a classmate and witnessed how his mother began to insult his father with obscene words simply because he had prepared dinner incorrectly for their arrival. Although in fact it was generally worth praising my husband for cooking. Observing such an attitude towards his father (who, in turn, listened to all this in silence), a little son may wonder whether it is worth respecting his dad if his mother does not respect him.

If suddenly a son or daughter speaks impudently to one of the parents and is rude, the other one should under no circumstances remain indifferent to this. Likewise, you should not speak negatively about your other half in her absence with the child. For example, instead of saying “Be sure to clean up before dad arrives, otherwise he will swear!” Mom should say, “Let’s please dad and let’s do the cleaning before he arrives - he loves order so much.”

It is very useful to organize family evenings, at least once a week. At the same time, all household members are not just in the same room, each passionate about their own business, but they unite over some activity - a board game, reading a book, watching a good family movie, etc.

A wonderful tradition is family evenings, when the whole family unites over some activity, for example, a board game.

What can you do to show love and respect in your family?

To parents.

Change.

Change, that is, grow with your child. If you continue to treat him like he is small, he will find a way to prove that he is no longer like that and this will not be the best option. If your child has always been obedient before, then most likely you have invested a lot of good things in him and you can trust him more than the one who may not have obeyed you in childhood, do you agree?

Therefore, reconsider your requirements.

For example, if your daughter always used to be in the kitchen with you and enjoyed your company, now she may have some hobbies besides that. It is so? Don't limit your child's choice of hobbies without taking into account their tastes. If a child’s hobby does not cause harm—physically or emotionally—to him and others, then discuss how he can implement it. Maybe you wanted your child to follow a certain path, but he chooses another. This is a difficult emotional situation in the family, but parents should be understanding of the teenager's tastes and take them into account. If before the child dressed according to what you told him, now try to look for a compromise in tastes and not make it a daily battle.

Remember yourself.

This is a good sobering moment. Children sometimes look like their parents from childhood. If one of the parents was disobedient, then maybe this will affect the child. But this is only one moment. Remember yourself in the sense that you remember your feelings and experiences at this age. Remember how difficult it was for you to build relationships with peers, that you were only thinking about how someone would like them and not laugh at you. Your teenage child feels exactly the same way. Remember how you would like your parents to talk to you at that time? You would like them to have conversations with you on topics that interest you and be patient, etc. You will try to give this to your child. Put yourself in your child's shoes, also keeping in mind that peer pressure is stronger and more negative now than when you were growing up. If previously you grew up among your peers, who for the most part obeyed their parents, now your child is growing up in a different environment.

Think about how you yourself can behave correctly in order to build bridges to your child’s heart, not walls.

Be an example.

If you see your own shortcomings or even have bad habits, then start with yourself. If a small child did not analyze you as a role model and simply obeyed you without question, then a teenager will not do the same. The teenager will not listen to you in what you yourself violate. If you have a bad habit, for example, smoking, then how will your child listen to your advice “Don’t smoke!”? Of course, families are different, but why confuse your child with your own example?! This principle applies to many other situations. You may not be able to change your childhood, but you can change your child's future by setting a good example for him.

The context of the conversation.

Previously, when the child was small, you could read your instructions to him in an edifying tone and without accepting any “buts”. But now everything is different. Therefore, change the approach in conversation - talk to your child as to a friend. It is a friendly attitude and advice that he will perceive better and will follow it much faster than your orders. Of course, you are parents and up to a certain age you have the power to set rules in your home, but first, why not voice them in a friendly, calm manner and maybe you will see that your child is not at all against your wishes. For example, you want your teenage child to return home earlier than he wants. Often times conversations simply reach a dead end or develop into quarrels. So when you are in a good mood, your child will be too. Sit down and discuss this issue. How and what to say? Don’t say that he doesn’t understand anything yet and that any adult will deceive him, tie him up and steal him. You may be right, but you won’t be able to prove it.

Try appealing to the good feelings your child has for you.

He doesn't want to upset you or upset you and doesn't want you to cry. Therefore, talk about your feelings and experiences that arise when he is not home for a long time in the evening. Of course, we can and should talk about the danger that is always real. Try to combine these two aspects - danger and your feelings and you will see that your child is not a rebel, but a completely understanding person with whom you can already come to an agreement like an adult. If a child violates your simple rules, this is another topic that will be discussed a little later.

Personal example: mom and dad’s respect for their own parents

It is difficult for mom and dad to teach a child to respect themselves if they themselves do not respect their own parents. Of course, this can be difficult if a young family lives with members of the older generation. Grandparents interfere in the upbringing of their grandson and reproach their adult children. The latter respond to this with rudeness. The baby absorbs this behavior like a sponge, perceiving it as the norm.

Of course, sometimes it is difficult to show respect for the elderly if a young family lives with them

To avoid generational conflict, of course, a young family should try to live separately. At the same time, you need to constantly show your son or daughter a respectful attitude towards the older generation. Everyone should regularly visit grandparents together, call in front of the child and ask about their health, and give small but pleasant gifts.

You and your children need to regularly visit elderly relatives and inquire about their health.

The baby understands everything at an early age, including the adult’s manner of speaking and the tone of his voice. For example, when a mother brushes aside her grandmother’s advice on the phone (“How much can you teach me about life, I’m not a little girl!”), the little daughter learns this attitude and can respond similarly to her mother a few years later.

It is very important not to speak disparagingly about old people in their absence, not to get annoyed with them. For example, “grandfather has gone completely crazy” or “grandmother has multiple sclerosis - how many times can you say the same thing.” After all, today children know more from the words of their parents about the shortcomings of their relatives than about their merits and advantages.

What to do

If you have ever heard the phrase “I don’t respect my mother,” then you probably have a desire to know how to behave in such a situation, how to change this child’s attitude.

1. Set a goal for yourself and follow it. No matter how difficult it may be when communicating with a child, you need to understand that you dream of him being happy. You need to believe that the baby is, in fact, a responsible and good person. Ignore failures and stress. Remember what you want your baby to be. Before saying anything to a child, you need to think carefully and weigh everything, because sometimes it is words that deeply wound the child’s psyche.
2. No matter what, you must have a positive attitude towards your child. Convince yourself that the baby is initially kind and good. When communicating with a child, a parent should not forget about his essence; he can directly talk about how he wants to see him in order to achieve interaction.
3. There must be an understanding that you and your baby have equal rights.
4. There is no need to be afraid of collisions, or worry that sooner or later the child will declare that he feels hatred or wants to run away from home. You must understand that fears materialize. In addition, children often resort to this method to manipulate, force their parents to do what they need, even blackmail. You don’t need to unquestioningly fulfill all the child’s demands, you need to be able to fight back.
5. Learn to trust your baby, entrust him with a responsible task. This will help get rid of unnecessary lies in relationships. However, if you deliberately ask your child unnecessary questions or concentrate your negative attention on him, deception cannot be avoided. For example, you should not ask “have you cleaned up your room?”, it is better to say “I would like to see how beautiful your room has become.”
6. Be on the same page with your son or daughter, treat their desires and hobbies normally, if necessary, remember yourself at their age and don’t say phrases like “I couldn’t afford that at your age.” Look for common topics of conversation, indicate your interest in the child’s problems, and provide support.
7. Respect the baby. Act in his interests, explain your actions, comment on your prohibitions. There is no need to think that he is too small and does not understand anything.

Remember to respect other adults

Of course, the child is not confined to the family circle. And it is problematic to instill in him respect for mom and dad if they themselves are selfish, cynical and disdainful of others (even if they value their own parents).

Of course, there is no need to demand from your son or daughter to unquestioningly obey all adults, to help them - after all, they are often wrong and behave boorishly themselves.

One day, my little son and I were standing at the checkout counter in a store with a large basket of groceries. An old lady stood behind me, and I politely told her that another cash register was vacant nearby. In response to this, the woman rudely told me that there was no need to tell her - she herself knew what to do. Children, of course, notice such moments and treat them with bewilderment.

Parent Rules

Love alone is not enough. Learn to express your feelings or limit them, everything should be in moderation.

• Self-reliance is the first commandment . Teaching a child to be independent is the first thing every good parent should strive for.
• Praise in moderation. Don’t be afraid to praise your child for his achievements, but don’t do it just like that; a little criticism won’t hurt either.
• No physical punishment. Any physical injury that you inflict on your child automatically becomes psychological. The best way to educate a depressed and broken person is physical punishment.
• Don't pamper or infringe . Try to understand what your child needs and what is just a whim. A toy car, so as not to look inferior compared to other children, is a necessity, but a car with a remote control or a diesel engine for several thousand rubles is a whim.

By following these and many other rules that you can easily glean from your own upbringing by your parents, you will become a friend, a comrade, and the best parents in the world for your child.

Show your authority

Children often do not feel the boundaries of what is permitted, so parents must set clear and understandable restrictions for them. So, you always need to stop rudeness, rudeness, and disobedience. In this case, you do not need to use the phrases “That’s not how you talk to your mother” or “What kind of tone is that!” Let the son or daughter feel the consequences of his action - he will lose cartoons for the day, the opportunity to play a computer game or buy the desired toy, and next time the child will already monitor his behavior (naturally, physical punishment is unacceptable). He will know that the parent can really punish, and not just threaten, and it is better to take into account his demands.

6. The child must understand the boundaries of what is permitted, know that an offense may be followed by real punishment, and not just threats.

Yes, of course, every family has its own foundations and its own methods of education. But firmly showing your child a short and clear list of what is unacceptable in your family is one of the main tasks of parents.

For example, that someone who slammed the door and did not spend the night at home without permission will find this door closed when he wants to return. That the one who insults grandma no longer sits at the same table with us and is not included in general conversations.

Perhaps the position is tough. But how else can a teenager grow up and really feel like an adult, and therefore right, wrong, with actions that were noticed and appreciated. Sometimes it’s like this. But more often than not - with good adult actions, with decisions that the parents agreed with.

S. V. Shapotailo

https://www.all-psy.com/ks/kak-vospitat-detyam-uvazheniye-k-starshim.html

An analogy can be drawn with educators and school teachers. There are kind, but too lenient teachers. And children do not miss the opportunity to take advantage of this - they do not listen to them, while not feeling any hostility towards the adult. It’s just how guys are designed – they can’t miss an opportunity to have fun if it’s not stopped.

In addition, mom and dad should tell the baby more about themselves. The child must know the tastes, hobbies, and skills of the parent in order to see in him an interesting person who deserves respect (but many schoolchildren cannot say when, for example, their mother’s birthday is, or what color her eyes are).

Parents should tell their children more about themselves - after all, it’s easier for an interesting personality to earn respect

It is also important to read works of fiction to your child more often on the topic of respect for parents: fairy tales, poems, stories, legends. Some of them vividly depict the consequences of disrespect for parents (for example, the Nenets folk tale “Cuckoo”).

To maintain parental authority, coordination between mom and dad is very important. For example, if one prohibits a child from going to bed late, then the other should not allow this. Similarly, it is necessary to stop discrediting the personality of an adult on the part of the older generation: for example, when a grandmother treats her adult daughter as if she is stupid and scolds her in front of the child.

How to teach respect

From childhood, teach your child to show concern for loved ones

1. Teach your child gratitude. This is an important guarantee of respect. The problem is that some children do not appreciate the efforts that parents make in raising them. They take parental care for granted. For example, two situations. The first is a teenage boy running away from home because no skates were bought for him. He believes that his parents do not love him and do nothing for him. This is despite the fact that he has absolutely everything that a teenager needs, and the videos were not purchased largely due to the risk to his health. And another case is a poor family in which a child is growing up. The kid sees how hard his parents have to work, everything so that he can eat normally, sees how they give him the last piece of bread. He is grateful to them for this. Growing up, such a person remembers all his life how his parents took care of him.
2. When your child does not notice at all what you do for him, this is also your fault. When we begin to fulfill every whim of our baby, we deny ourselves many things just to make him feel good, we are simply raising a spoiled person who will not appreciate anything and will believe that this is how it should be. It is unacceptable for parents to put their own interests below the needs of the child. If a mother does not have the opportunity to buy new boots for herself, and she wears ones with holes, then she should not think that she can spend another winter in them, just to buy her son a new console. Another situation is when parents shower their child with things and gifts in order to compensate for their absence when they spend a lot of time at work. You just need to understand that material objects cannot replace true love. Don’t be surprised if the child starts making trouble, lying, hysterical, or doing anything just to get attention. It is not the best situation when parents are absolutely indifferent to their child. The child grows up with a feeling of uselessness and uselessness.
3. We teach the child to care. You probably won’t be surprised by the situation when a teenager’s mother gets sick, and he is unable to give her a glass of water. Or a small child, being next to a sick parent, demands that he get up and play with him. The task of parents from early childhood is to accustom their baby to care. Let him help with the housework, help cook, spoon feed his mother. There is no need to be afraid that there will be a revolution in the kitchen or that you will be forced to spend too much of your time in order to monitor the process of preparing food with your child’s hands. Instilling care from the cradle will have a positive impact on the process of growing up and becoming a person. And there is no need to scold the baby if he spilled half the tea while bringing it to you, otherwise the desire to show care will very quickly disappear. Let the baby become responsible from childhood, and let you be calm about his mistakes, because he is still just learning.
4. We instill in the child a love of work. The mother should arrange the process in such a way that during cleaning the child helps her at least a little around the house, for example, wiping off the dust or helping to wash a few dishes. Show your child that before you can relax and sit down to watch a cartoon, you need to work hard. Explain to your child that in order to keep the house clean and comfortable, you need to make an effort and this should not be done only by the mother. You can also distribute areas of responsibility between the children, for example, assign someone to water the flowers, someone to wipe the dust, someone to wash the dishes after the cat.
5. Parental example. You need to understand that your child will not develop respect for you if you yourself are disrespectful to other people. Remember that children adopt our behavior model; they copy our actions. You can’t demand from a child not to spit from the window if dad does this, you can’t scold your daughter for walking around the house in dirty clothes if mom behaves the same way. After this, it will not be surprising if you hear the phrase “I don’t respect my father and mother” from my child. Remember that children copy not only the positive aspects of their parents, but also everything they see. Don't forget that they are your mirror image. Understand that a child may behave disrespectfully if he does not see a worthy example of behavior. Learn to maintain your authority and be worthy of respect. It is also important that there is mutual respect between parents, otherwise they will fall in the eyes of the child.

Now you know what to do if your daughter or son does not respect you. Remember that the characteristics of upbringing are of great importance in the development of such an attitude. We must not forget that parents themselves set an example for their child. Spend time with your child, teach him to take care of loved ones and help others.

Respect for the child himself

Before demanding self-respect from a child, parents themselves must see in him a person who requires appropriate treatment. So, from childhood you need to listen to the child’s opinion, seek advice on everyday issues (“Do you like the dress I’m wearing?”), give him the opportunity to choose (“What tights do you want to wear to kindergarten today?”, “What homework should I do first?” Let’s do it - in Russian or mathematics?”), to see him as an interesting interlocutor. The child will feel that he is taken into account, his opinion is valued, and will be grateful to adults for this.

You need to see a child as an individual who has the right to choose, to have his own opinion.

If the baby doesn’t understand something, it is unacceptable to say in an unquestioning tone, “Because I said so!” This is not an argument, but a manifestation of disrespect for the child - he will simply feel worthless and insignificant. Parents must explain in detail exactly how to behave in a given situation.

This attitude on the part of adults is the same as sitting at home with a cigarette and teaching a child not to smoke.

Love for a smart little one quickly fades as he grows up. A grown-up child is insolent, rude, rude, and ignores.

Yes, but the question was asked “How to educate children to respect adults” - why am I writing about the need to respect children?

Because if we don’t show respect to a child of any age, we don’t teach him to show respect to us. He just doesn't see a positive example. If there are constant scandals in the family, if there is no friendship between parents, then it is difficult to respect the child.

It is not simple. This is sometimes impossible. But look at yourself from the outside - who you are: an angry, irritated parent who constantly points out shortcomings or a patient, attentive, demanding and persistent friend who respects himself and others.

V. P. Belyanin, psychologist

https://www.all-psy.com/ks/kak-vospitat-detyam-uvazheniye-k-starshim.html

We ourselves set a bad example for our children when a child calls a parent to play or read, but the parent sits on gadgets. Not always playing, perhaps this is how he makes money. At every opportunity, when a child cries, is hysterical, or capricious, a modern parent, instead of finding words of consolation, thrusts a smartphone with cartoons on the child in order to calm him down.

E. A. Safina, psychologist

https://www.all-psy.com/ks/kak-vospitat-detyam-uvazheniye-k-starshim.html

Respect is never one-sided. This is a purely reciprocal process. You cannot respect by order - just as you cannot force love.

If I want my child to respect me, I will learn to respect him: ask his wishes, respect his boundaries: do not read a personal diary, do not check his pockets, do not open personal letters. Learning to cope with his anxiety - what if he was recruited??? And this is not a love letter, but something worse! Learn not to yell at him or ignore him. Don’t assert yourself at his expense, saying that he’s too young to understand this.

Then, perhaps, I’ll get a chance that, as an adult, he won’t scream back, won’t want to rub my nose in with his ability to handle gadgets, won’t send me to the dustbin of history. And he wants to hear, understand, talk.

I. S. Rozanova, psychologist

https://www.all-psy.com/ks/kak-vospitat-detyam-uvazheniye-k-starshim.html

Possible reasons

Too frequent prohibitions can lead to disrespect.
If a child does not respect his mother or father, then some factors influenced this. Often, the very behavior of parents provokes the child to disrespect. Let's look at what situations are most common in the formation of such an attitude.

1. Dry rules. When there is no love in the family, there is no emotional connection, but there are only rules that the child must follow. No wonder disrespect is born.
2. Lack of consistency. Very often, parents themselves break some rules, change them, or the opinions of the father and mother do not coincide on some issue. In such cases, the baby does not understand how to behave correctly. Parents cease to be an authority.
3. Too frequent bans. When a child is constantly told “no” to any of his requests, his opinion is not listened to. Parents must understand that they cannot just prohibit, they must encourage the child for his achievements. It is important that “no” is no more than “yes”.
4. Angry remarks. Parents should be involved in upbringing, but it is unacceptable to take it out on the child, yell at him, or fill your relationship with negative emotions. Therefore, parents must learn to control their anger.
5. Excessive demands. When too high demands are placed on a child, they expect from him what he is not capable of achieving.
6. Strictly biased attitude. Parents who do not forgive their child for mistakes do not give a chance for redemption.
7. Comparing your child with others. It is unacceptable to point out to your baby that he is “not like the neighbor’s toddler” or to force him to imitate someone.
8. Inability to admit that you are wrong. The older the baby gets, the more aware he will be of his parents' shortcomings. If mom or dad cannot accept their own mistakes, they will significantly reduce the baby's trust in themselves as a person. Parents need to admit to their child, especially their teenager, that they are not perfect, no one is.
9. Hypocrisy. A situation when parents prohibit doing something, but they themselves violate this prohibition. For example, when mom doesn’t allow you to talk on the phone while crossing the road, but she does it herself.
10. The child does not have the right to vote. A situation when a child’s opinion is simply ignored, he is not listened to, his desires and needs are not taken into account, and he is provoked to stop respecting his parents.

Happy parents, harvest of fruits

Strange as it may sound, your happiness as a parent in the future depends primarily on how you behave with your children from their very birth until the moment when they fly out of their parents’ home in search of their own lives. When you hear the word “parents,” what is the first thing you remember? Good or bad moments, it happens differently for different people, but the point is, when raising your children, think “what will my child remember in five, ten, fifteen years?” This is the only way you can become good parents for your children and not make mistakes throughout your entire parenting journey.

Well, finally, I would like to add one thing: think about it, can you say about your father and mother that they are happy parents? Justify your answer for yourself. Have you become their pride and joy? It might be worth calling them or visiting them in person, finally telling them how much they mean to you. After all, there is nothing more valuable in our lives than those who gave us this very life!