Greetings, friends!
In political science, despotism is one of the worst forms of government, in which all power is concentrated in the hands of one person who does not recognize any laws other than his own. But today we will talk not about political, but about family despotism. It can also be called, without exaggeration, one of the worst forms of relationships. In this case, both a man and a woman can act as a despot. In this article we will look in detail at who a despot is, what signs characterize him and how to resist him.
Who is a despot?
A despot is a person who does not recognize that others are right and achieves his goals through pressure and violence. He does not need evidence or arguments; he believes that he is right in any situation. Even in relationships with the closest and dearest people, he constantly resorts to violence, humiliation, revenge, mental pressure, gaslighting (what is this?) and other aggressive methods of influence.
X The only thing about despotism is that it is almost always directed at people whom the despot considers dear and important to himself. He himself often does not notice how cruel he can be.
A despot is a tyrant who imposes his will on others through force, influence and power. A boss can be a despot, but it is much worse when one of the family members turns out to be one. Psychology considers the theory that despotism is a natural human instinct that awakens under a certain set of circumstances. According to this theory, the desire to rule is present in each of us, but it manifests itself to varying degrees in everyone.
Psychologists identify three main components of despotism:
- complete indifference to other people's feelings and opinions;
- the desire to completely control another person;
- the requirement of complete and constant self-obedience.
Despotism is capable of destroying any relationship, since a despot strives to completely deprive a partner of all rights, but allows himself almost everything. This happens in both love and friendship relationships.
Message from Alexis de Tocqueville
| I want to imagine in what new forms despotism will develop in our world: I see countless crowds of equal and similar people who spend their lives in a tireless search for small and vulgar joys that fill their souls. Each of them, taken individually, is indifferent to the fate of all the others; his children and closest friends constitute for him the entire human race. As for other fellow citizens, he is close to them, but does not see them; he touches them, but does not feel them; he exists only by himself and only for himself. And if he still has a family, then we can at least say that he has no fatherland. Above all these crowds rises a gigantic protective power, providing everyone with pleasures and monitoring the fate of everyone in the crowd. This power is absolute, meticulous, fair, prudent and affectionate. It could be compared to parental influence if its task, like parental influence, was to prepare a person for adult life. Meanwhile, this power, on the contrary, strives to preserve people in their infant state. She would like citizens to enjoy themselves and not think about anything else. She willingly works for the common good, but at the same time wants to be the sole authority and arbiter. She takes care of the safety of the citizens, provides for and provides for their needs, facilitates their enjoyment, takes charge of their main affairs, manages their industry, regulates the rights of inheritance and deals with the division of their inheritance. Why shouldn’t she completely deprive them of the restless need to think and live in this world? It is in this way that this power makes recourse to freedom of choice less and less useful and rarer; it constantly narrows the sphere of action of the human will, gradually depriving each individual citizen of the opportunity to use all his abilities. Equality has fully prepared people for this state of affairs: it has taught them to put up with it, and sometimes even perceive it as some kind of good. After all the citizens have passed through the strong embrace of the ruler in turn and he has molded them into what he needs, he extends his mighty hands to society as a whole. He covers it with a network of small, florid, uniform laws that prevent the most original minds and strong souls from rising above the crowd. He does not crush the will of people, but softens it, bends and directs it; he rarely encourages action, but constantly resists anyone acting on his own initiative. It does not destroy anything, but prevents the birth of something new. He does not tyrannize, but interferes, suppresses, irritates, extinguishes, stupefies and ultimately turns the entire people into a herd of timid and hardworking animals, whose shepherd is the government. I have always been confident that this form of slavery, quiet, measured and peaceful, the picture of which I have just depicted, could be combined, although it is difficult to imagine, with some external attributes of freedom and that it could well be established even in the shadow of popular power . Our contemporaries are constantly haunted by two conflicting feelings. They feel the need to be led, and at the same time the desire to remain free. Unable to overcome either of these conflicting instincts, citizens try to satisfy both of them at once. They would like to have a single, protective and omnipotent power, but chosen by themselves. They would like to combine centralization with the power of the people, this would somehow pacify them. Being under guardianship, they reassure themselves that they chose their guardians themselves. Democracy in America |
How does despotism manifest itself?
The most common form of despotism is family despotism. It usually manifests itself in the form of physical abuse or psychological abuse. One of the partners tries to completely subjugate the other, putting pressure on him by any means available to him. A despotic person completely ignores other people's desires, rights, freedoms and boundaries of personal space. He perceives all family members as property, but he himself believes that he loves them.
As a rule, a despot is a very touchy and vindictive person who perceives his behavior as a way of restoring justice. Through his actions, he tries to punish the offending family member, and this helps him look better in his own eyes. Also, such behavior allows him to increase his own self-esteem and restore damaged self-esteem.
A despot always strives to subjugate those around him and force them to act according to his orders. Despite this, he does not know how to be a leader at all. Due to his aggressive position, he can force others to obey him, but cannot inspire respect in them. In addition, he is not able to resolve conflict situations; instead, he himself constantly provokes conflicts. Such behavior leads to the fact that over time the despot causes only fear, hostility and complete misunderstanding in those around him.
What does a despotic person mean?
Polish philosopher Stanislaw Jerzy Lec described a tyrant as a person whose wounds constantly emit rivers of someone else's blood. Modern psychologists believe that, despite the metaphorical nature of this statement, it most accurately characterizes a despotic person who projects all his old grievances and doubts onto his current relationships with others.
A despot is rarely able to achieve real respect, since he lacks objectivity and is unable to create even an adequate illusion of justice, but he is almost never aware of his true position in the eyes of other people. For a person who is mentally healthy and has good self-esteem, the attempts of a despot to subjugate him to his will can only cause natural rejection, reluctance to communicate with him anymore, but not fear or the need to give in. For this reason, only individuals of an inert type, dependent, codependent, fall under the influence of a power-hungry person.
How to understand whether a person is oppressive or not? The despot’s pedantry at work and at home is brought to pathological proportions, and by establishing strict rules of behavior, everyday life and appearance of others, he does not take into account anyone’s wishes except his own. Covering up his actions with high moral ideals and the unquestioning “this is how it should be, because this is how it should be,” the domestic tyrant does not even accept logically substantiated arguments against.
Signs of a despot
Even a superficial understanding of who a despot is is enough to come to the conclusion that it is better not to mess with him. However, it is not so easy to recognize him, since he usually begins to show the main features of his character only after getting close. By considering them in time, you can avoid a disastrous union. Therefore, always pay attention to the following characteristic behavioral features, which are almost always present in autocratic individuals:
1. The desire to control those for whom they are important
. Life experience teaches the despot that his character should be hidden, revealing it only after sufficient rapprochement. Therefore, first of all, pay attention to how a person behaves towards the people to whom he is dear.
2. Vindictiveness
. The inability to forgive is the most important feature of despotic individuals. Therefore, a person whose behavior is characterized by petty vindictiveness is likely to turn out to be a despot.
3. The desire to humiliate
. If it is common for a person to unreasonably insult and humiliate those who have been “substituted” (for example, through a crude joke), this is also a reason to be wary.
4. Flair for weak-willed people
. Despots accurately identify potential victims who are unable to resist moral and mental pressure.
5. Excessive jealousy
. All despots are owners; they simply do not know other forms of affection and love. Therefore, they are always betrayed by jealousy, which, as a rule, is senseless and causeless.
What is gaslighting?
The most common type of psychological violence used by a despot against his intended victim is called gaslighting. As a rule, this method of strong moral pressure is used to induce obedience to the “obstinate” other half, and less often – to manipulate parents, sisters, and brothers.
How does gaslighting manifest itself? After a relatively calm “entry” into the relationship, the despot begins with his behavior, gradually pushing the victim to various critical remarks, tears, expressions of resentment, etc. After an act of provocation, when a negative message has already been made, the tyrant again returns to a state of complacency, and the indignant response is “ takes him by surprise." That is, “he did nothing wrong” and does not understand “what he did to deserve” such treatment. It is clear that the victim feels confused, guilty and tries to earn the tyrant’s forgiveness.
A similar scenario of events in different presentations is played out many times, and in the end the victim herself comes to the conclusion that she is the initiator of the scandals, although in fact she was skillfully led to this each time. In this way, a despotic person undermines the self-esteem of his “chosen one,” making him convenient for further manipulation.
At the same time, so that in the circle of acquaintances of the victim there is no one who could point out to her the true state of affairs, the tyrant tries to alienate his companion from friends and relatives. Most often, the method of two-way influence is used - the victim is told that the only one who loves and understands her is her powerful lover, and acquaintances are told various unsightly things about the girl. Having created a vacuum around the subject, the tyrant comes into complete possession of the desired object.
Causes of despotism
From the point of view of modern psychology, despotism is not an innate feature, although it is embedded in our genes. It is formed throughout life, but the main prerequisites are laid in childhood. This is facilitated by factors such as:
- parents completely ignoring the child’s opinion;
- competition with brothers and sisters;
- instilling in the child that he is better and more talented than those around him;
- frequent humiliation from peers, as well as within the family;
- domestic violence in all forms.
Most often, a person’s despotism is a consequence of the fact that in childhood he either himself became a victim of physical violence or saw his father beat his mother. It is believed that a person who regularly observes violence unconsciously takes the side of the aggressor so as not to become a victim himself. Thus, an aggressive model of behavior is established in a child in childhood.
The aggressor and his victim
In childhood, all events and human actions are perceived by a person from the point of view of polar meanings “bad” or “good”.
When faced with a traumatic situation, a child always identifies his personality with one of the parties, taking on the role of “victim” or “tormentor”, and in the future already adheres to this state, recognized by the psyche as “comfortable”. Growing up, the “victim” will strive to connect with his missing part of his personality - more confident, powerful, able to fight back. Thus, seeing before her an example of who she herself would like to be, she will experience the illusion of “processing” an unpleasant event experienced in childhood, but will not actually deviate from her role.
In turn, the “tormentor” will not be able to live without the projection of his prevailing capabilities. He needs to receive constant confirmation of his strength, impunity, ability to control and suppress. At the same time, the “victim” is not assigned a secondary role, because in her ability to suffer, show generosity, and forgive, the aggressor finds the missing elements of his own, flawed personality.
Characteristics of a male despot
A fairly common situation is when the husband and father turn out to be the despot in the family. Since the man is usually much stronger, such relationships are often accompanied by physical violence. In this case, the spouse often chooses the wrong tactics. She gives in to her husband in everything and tries in every possible way to please him, hoping that this way he will become kinder. Of course, this leads to the opposite effect, and such relationships cannot be called happy.
To understand who a despot is, it is important to take into account the fact that such a person himself often does not realize the despotic nature of his behavior. Imagine a situation: a husband loves his wife, never resorts to violence, tries to provide her with such conditions that she does not work, but sits at home and raises children. But if you dig deeper, it turns out that he is simply trying to deprive his wife of freedom and independence, completely subjugating her to himself. Even if a woman initially likes such a union, over time the dependence begins to irritate her, and her feelings for the once beloved man cool down.
Tyrant husband
A despotic person, which means domineering, narcissistic, is a great grief for the family, especially if the spouse chooses the tactic “a bad peace is better than a good quarrel.” Of course, counter-aggression is also not a solution - then family life turns into an open struggle for the title of “who is stronger,” but agreeing with a dependent position will not be a relief for a woman.
Male tyranny in the family first manifests itself in small things against the backdrop of a benevolent and generally prosperous environment. The husband relieves his wife of most of the responsibility, shows himself as a friend and adviser, and only then it is discovered that this was done for the sole purpose of depriving the woman of her independence and freedom of expression.
But even having achieved his goal, a despotic person, by definition, cannot stop. He will find more and more reasons to be dissatisfied, and the woman will have to either come to terms with the eternal fate of the “guilty head”, or completely eliminate the tyrant from her life. Unfortunately, it is not possible to correct a despot husband or somehow shake him into confidence in his own rightness.
Characteristics of a female despot
This option is also quite possible. At the same time, psychologists share the nature of female and male tyranny. Despotic men usually feel the need to suppress others for the sake of their own self-affirmation. Women resort to despotism, trying to adapt to environmental conditions and occupy a more advantageous position. That is, female despotism, unlike male despotism, is usually situational in nature.
The best example, perhaps, would be a woman who has held a leadership position in a male team for a long time. Often faced with a frivolous attitude or inappropriate flirting from men, she gradually changes her behavior pattern, becoming a cruel and domineering boss. It is interesting that for the family she still remains a loving wife and caring mother.
Atypical forms of despotism in family life
Even in a family with a clear division into a strong male half and a weak female half, the spouse can act as an aggressor and despot. Lacking the opportunity to use physical force against a man, women often use their main weapon - verbal humiliation of their partner. If the husband does not give in to provocations or responds in kind, insults are replaced by blackmail or direct threats.
Starting from the age of three, the need to demonstrate their leadership qualities in children also increases. The most acute periods of the need for self-affirmation and general recognition of its significance occur in a child at 3-5 and 13-15 years old, which is reflected both in his behavior and in increasing demands on the actions of others.
How to resist a despot?
A characteristic feature of despots is that they are not always aware of their own despotic behavior towards dear people. They think that by trying to keep a loved one close to them, they are demonstrating love and affection. Therefore, in relations with a despot, it is important to find ways to smooth out the “sharp corners.”
When a psychotherapist is faced with family despotism, he first of all tries to find out the reasons for the aggressive behavior of one of the spouses. Typically therapy includes steps such as:
- getting rid of the inferiority complex;
- increasing a person’s self-esteem through awareness of real advantages;
- search for abilities and talents necessary for self-affirmation;
- formation of a person’s respectful attitude towards himself;
- developing respect for others.
The listed steps allow a despotic person to learn to admit that he is wrong. And for this you need a respectful attitude towards yourself and others. When a person begins to understand that in certain situations the opinions of other people can be more accurate and important than his own, he gains the ability to conduct constructive dialogue.
What is despoticism?
Despotism is a personality trait characterized by cruel subordination of others, suppression of their will and rights.
The behavior of a despot is characterized by:
- aggression,
- revenge,
- imposing one's will
- humiliation,
- physical violence.
The aggression of a despot is associated with phobias and fears, constant self-doubt. Feeling dissatisfaction, a feeling of being deprived of something on a subconscious level, the tyrant takes revenge on others and believes that in this way he restores his confidence and self-esteem. By imposing his will on others, humiliating a person, a despot asserts himself.
Reasons for despoticism:
- Despotism in childhood.
- Own importance.
Despots often become children who were influenced by domineering parents, which in adulthood contributed to copying their behavior. Having harbored a childhood resentment, children who were unable to cope with their fears in the future transferred it to members of their family and those around them. According to psychotherapists, this is the main reason for the manifestation of despotism in a person’s character.
Constantly instilling in a child such feelings as originality and uniqueness, inclines him to prove his importance both to himself and to others, which later becomes the foundation of despotism and self-confidence.
Male despotism
Male despotism has more frightening prognoses than female despotism. A despot man is an uncontrollable projectile, dangerous to his family and others. While a woman thinks and tries to control the situation, a man does not; it is structured completely differently: men’s feelings and reason work alternately, and if emotions appear (in this case, aggression), then the mind turns off. In this case, the consequences can be the worst, as evidenced by the statistics of domestic crimes.
In a family, it is considered normal for a despot to use mental, physical and sexual violence against a woman. The man imposes his own opinion on the correctness of the relationship to the whole family, sets rules and demands their strict observance, and in case of disobedience or violation of his rules, he applies punishment.
Having freedom of thought or speech, according to the despot, is not a woman’s rights. If a rude attitude towards his wife is shown in front of strangers, those around him often do not understand the reason for his behavior.
Pleading for mercy has no effect on him. He does not hear her, he behaves arrogantly and impudently. He likes to humiliate his woman in front of friends and acquaintances; he can threaten her, insult her, assault her (without serious injury), throw objects at her, etc.
Female despotism
Women, using strong statements, because they have both feelings and reason at work at the same time, can crush any man. Armed with reproaches and insults, attacking a man’s sexual abilities, touching his weaknesses, they are able to suppress a person; often this happens due to jealousy.
In case of resistance, representatives of the fair sex turn to blackmail and threats (file for divorce, take away children, commit suicide, etc.). Such behavior is also called emotional vampirism or emotional drug addiction.
Sometimes female despotism is expressed in vile and base actions. This could be an unfounded accusation of a husband of pedophilia, beating a child and blaming the husband for this beating, etc.
How to get rid of despotism?
To get rid of it, you must have the desire to do it and understand your problem. Realizing the meaninglessness of tyranny and the fact that an oppressive attitude has no effect on self-affirmation, importance and self-confidence will help change the attitude towards yourself and others.
The most correct way would be to contact a psychotherapist.
