Domestic violence is a serious problem for many families, and not all victims know how to find a solution. A dependent position on a tyrant, indecision and other aspects can lead to disastrous situations. So, how do you understand that there are preconditions for violence in the family, and what ways are there to combat it? We will consider all these questions in detail in the article below.
What is domestic violence
So what is domestic violence? The definition is quite simple:
Domestic violence
- these are actions of a physical, psychological, sexual or economic nature that occur between current or former spouses. It can also occur between people who are related.
In addition, domestic violence can be defined as regularly repeated acts of physical or any other force. Many people have to live in families with similar relationships, and in them, instead of trust, a sense of security, love, partnership, cruelty, anxiety, and fear take the leading role.
When it comes to domestic violence, the imagination often paints terrible pictures: a husband beats his wife or mother, abuses children, and so on. The first thing that appears is a man who is an alcoholic, a gambling addict, an insane jealous person, an overly religious husband. Real life doesn't always involve these scenarios. The instigator of domestic violence is often a woman (mother, wife, sister, etc.) and a child.
Is it possible to save a family?
Coping with a problematic situation without breaking family ties is only possible if the aggressor has a real intention to change. This should be confirmed not by empty promises, but by a willingness to undergo treatment. To implement your plans, you will need the support of psychotherapists or the help of psychiatrists.
If the partner believes that he is doing everything right and refuses to change, then it is important to realize: it is impossible to save what has been destroyed. When the life, as well as the physical and moral health of a person, is at risk, you should not blindly hope for the preservation of the relationship and look for excuses for the torturer. The only effective measure will be separation.
Who suffers and what is the cause of domestic violence?
The main misconception, which carries unsafe consequences, is that the cause of violence lies in the actions of the injured partner, who allegedly “provoked” the rapist. This leads to the question: “Why?”, which subconsciously justifies the rapist. It is important to remember that there is no behavioral reason for systematically resorting to violence. The only reason lies only in the rapist's penchant for sadism.
Domestic violence against women
Women most often suffer from domestic violence. What is the reason? In a partner who often has the qualities of a tyrant.
Risk factors for sexual violence include
:
- low level of education;
- childhood abuse by the perpetrator;
- observed violence between father and mother or other relatives;
- antisocial personality disorder;
- alcohol abuse.
Domestic violence in the family (against the elderly, children, other relatives)
As already mentioned, not only wives of tyrant husbands suffer from domestic violence. Children are frequent victims of fathers and mothers prone to physical and psychological violence. They do not know how to protect themselves from tyranny, they are forced to live for years in an unhealthy atmosphere, having no other choice. In the future they may themselves have a tendency to violence.
Also often victims of domestic violence are older people who are unable to protect themselves, who are ashamed to tell anyone about the tyranny happening at home, or who are afraid of receiving even more aggression from the tyrant.
How to distinguish violence from an ordinary quarrel
Recognizing tyranny in family relationships can be difficult. Aggressive behavior does not manifest itself all the time; the tyrant’s algorithm of actions is cyclical.
For a long time, there can be a smooth, completely acceptable emotional environment in a relationship. This is followed by a period of tension that culminates in an acute, sudden act of violence. Wanting to make amends for the results of the breakdown and eliminate the damage caused, the tyrant falls into repentance, begins to show tenderness and care. But after a few days or weeks the scenario repeats itself.
Gradually, the duration of peaceful periods becomes shorter and shorter, scandals and showdowns occur more often. Women who have become victims of violence do not lose hope of improving relations with their spouses and strive to please him in everything, but in vain.
The most obvious sign of the presence of violence in a marriage is fear of the partner. A woman who tries to behave carefully and docilely, so as not to incur an outburst of anger from her husband, must realize that she has become a victim of domestic tyranny. Other warning signs include attempts at control, humiliating ridicule, and situations in which a feeling of helplessness arises.
Main signs of domestic violence
Where does domestic violence begin, what are its signs?
How to recognize the symptoms of domestic violence
Domestic violence begins with rough treatment and verbal abuse. If the physical impact is obvious, then the emotional one hides an even greater danger with its chronic toxicity. Emotional abuse leads to constant anxiety, depression, and helplessness. Look for ways to get out of such relationships.
Solving problems with domestic violence is part of the abuser's character. A person who allows emotional humiliation and insults can quickly turn to physical violence. Often women continue to tolerate such treatment, believing that “the child is better off with his father” or for financial gain. Living in constant stress will lead to serious problems.
The main symptom of domestic violence is fear. Every day it seems to you that you are “walking a tightrope”, controlling your words as much as possible so as not to provoke the anger of your partner (husband, mother, child) - there is, at a minimum, psychological violence in your home.
How to recognize a violent person
It is very important to recognize the qualities of a rapist in a person at an early stage. This is generally recognized by jealousy, disrespect for other people’s desires and people, their needs, offensive words, and more. Men usually have many gender stereotypes, believing that women need “education.”
A potential tyrant tries to control your whereabouts, forces you to stay at home all the time, and prohibits you from communicating with any of your friends. Your expenses are under control; you are required to report on all expenses. It’s a bad sign if your emails, social networks, instant messengers, and phone calls are being checked.
It is common for an aggressor to blame the victim for problems. He systematically criticizes her over trifles, accuses her of failures, laughs at important things, and allows her to be rude.
It is an alarming sign if, under the influence of certain substances or alcohol, your partner becomes angry, offends animals, pushes you, voices certain threats, rudely grabs your hands, and forces you to enter into sexual relations against your will.
Is it possible to save such a relationship? There is a possibility if the rapist himself sees the problem and wants to change. He will need the help of a psychotherapist or psychiatrist who will teach him how to control his anger.
The rapist doesn't want to change, but you stay with him? This means you find yourself in a cycle of violence, putting your life and the lives of your children in danger. Many women justify their stay with a rapist by saying that the younger generation needs a father. However, they do not take into account: no one needs a rapist father, and a mentally ill child will not be able to lead a healthy lifestyle in the future. In this case, it’s better without “such” father.
Emotional abuse also causes serious harm to health. Victims who have survived such pressure subsequently face psoriasis, stomach ulcers, depression, suicidal tendencies, and alcoholism.
Have you decided to visit a family psychologist together? Such consultation also has a negative side. The opinions of both parties begin to be taken into account - this is not applicable in cases of domestic violence and inevitably part of the blame is shifted to the victim.
Some countries take a family-centred approach, but they also have laws requiring forced medical or psychological treatment.
There are many educational and psychotherapeutic programs in the world for men who abuse their loved ones. In groups, men learn to realize the real motives of their actions and voice their own feelings.
Rehabilitation
Eliminating violence always requires comprehensive work by a psychologist with parents and children. The most effective methods are:
- psychotherapy;
- individual and group consultations;
- trainings.
When interacting with a child, you must first achieve his favor and trust. To do this, you cannot focus on the situation, that is, say “Don’t be afraid,” “Don’t worry.” The main method of working with a child is a consultation conversation. But only a qualified specialist can carry it out.
Violence is always a stressful situation for a child, leading to psychological trauma. Accordingly, work should be aimed at eliminating psychotrauma and post-traumatic stress disorder, if it is observed. The best method is psychotherapy.
Types of violence against women
Types of domestic violence are divided into the following types:
Physical
Direct or indirect influence on the victim, the purpose of which is to cause physical harm to her, beatings, slaps, kicks, slaps, and so on. Corporal punishment against any family member is a form of domestic violence. Physical violence also includes unwillingness to provide first aid, deprivation of vital needs (shower, toilet), sleep deprivation, coercion to drugs or alcohol.
Injuring other family members or animals in an attempt to psychologically influence the victim. This is an indirect form of physical violence.
One of the most severe forms of physical domestic violence is rape. The consequence may be unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Often victims, fearing public opinion, remain silent about rape.
This type of violence is usually committed with other forms of domestic violence. This means any forced action of a sexual nature, as well as coercion in the form of persuasion, blackmail, harassment, and bribery.
In our society, as in many others, marriage is often regarded as a man gaining unconditional rights to have sex with his wife, and to use force if she does not want intimacy.
Coercion, “seasoned” with talk about marital debt, is considered sexual violence, since there is no marital debt. In a healthy relationship, sex is always consensual and brings satisfaction and joy to both partners.
Among the forms of sexual violence there is also the demonstration of genitals and pornography.
Psychological
This form of domestic violence is more common than others. May occasionally be accompanied by physical violence. It is difficult to diagnose, as well as to prove to a court. The remaining forms have obvious physical consequences, while the psychological form rarely has significant visible consequences. At the same time, the damage to the psyche remains very heavy.
Psychological tyranny can be expressed in endless remarks, which the rapist calls ordinary criticism, sarcastic jokes, or any statements that humiliate the victim. There are also various prohibitions regarding meeting with friends or relatives, going to work, and so on. Other manifestations: demonstration of strength without physical force.
A separate sub-item can be identified – gaslighting. The word dates back to the release of the film “Gaslight” (1944). The film demonstrates how one person raises doubts about the adequacy of another, does not confirm the reality of the events taking place, and thereby drives him to madness.
That is, denial of reality in real life can look like this
:
- “I never said this, you’re making it up,” “You imagined it,” “This never happened” (denial of facts);
- “You can’t be angry with me,” “You think you feel bad, but you don’t” (denial of emotions);
- “Listen, you’re behaving strangely, this could end badly”, “It’s not a bad mood - you’re depressed” (a hint of mental disorders).
Financial
This implies control over the family’s financial resources, restricting the victim’s finances, extortion or coercion. In the same category there is a ban on employment, training, as well as deliberate waste of family funds (to create tense relationships). One of the forms of economic violence: the unwillingness of one of the partners to work.
How to understand that your friends or loved ones are experiencing domestic violence
The victims themselves hide what is happening in their home so carefully that it becomes impossible to find out about the problem. But there are certain signs that will help you understand that a person is being pressured or abused. The following signs should alert you:
- statements that make it clear that there is fear in the relationship with a partner;
- performing actions strictly at the direction of the tyrant;
- too frequent calls and messages informing about location, activities;
- stories about the harsh nature of the partner and scenes of jealousy;
- the regular appearance on the body of evidence of “accidental injuries” and “accidents”;
- missed work days or failure to appear at the place of training without explanation;
- wearing closed clothing that is not appropriate for the season or wearing dark glasses indoors.
These signs are accompanied by low self-esteem of the victim and changes in behavior for the worse. A relative or colleague becomes withdrawn, taciturn, and susceptible to depression.
Where can women go for help?
When the prospect of a trial arises, many victims choose to retract their words and “shut up” the situation. They begin to fear that the story will go beyond the family and other relatives, colleagues, and so on will learn about it. Torture of any kind is perceived by them as their own shame.
This stereotype is countered by various organizations that call for resistance to the domestic tyrant, as well as providing various types of assistance to the victim.
Among them
:
- Crisis center for helping women and children in Moscow – https://krizis-centr.ru/
- “No Violence” – https://nasiliu.net/
- Independent charity center for survivors of sexual violence “Sisters”, tel..
On the Internet you can find many other crisis centers for women, and choose the one that suits you.
Work heals
Domestic violence, family breakdown, lack of livelihood and roof over your head... There are many problems. The center finds an approach to solving each problem. Women over 60 who have suffered from relatives also come here. They accept you even without documents, understanding that when trying to escape, sometimes people are forced to flee in just a robe and slippers. If necessary, the center also provides medical assistance. The rehabilitation program that is compiled for each woman and her children includes Pilates, children's aerobics, massage, and physiotherapy procedures. And in the center you can forget about your experiences with the help of creativity. Classes are included in the art therapy course. The most effective are with paper using various techniques, such as trimming or quilling. In the creative workshop, real magic happens with the help of the feelings that open up in mothers and their children. “Joint creativity helps to consider the nuances of the relationship between mother and child; if there was a conflict between them, it gradually fades away. Often, fathers turn their children against their mothers; in such cases, art therapy helps the child figure out who was right,” said Marina Dyakova, a specialist in rehabilitation work at the inpatient care department. She unmistakably determines the child’s mood by the range of colors he has chosen: “If the mood is gloomy, the picture has dark tones. But after just a week, the colors brighten, and the children go home in a good mood.”
You can also undergo a course of physiotherapy, which includes halotherapy - a procedure of staying in a salt room. Two or three doses - and women regain peace of mind. A hairdresser helps highlight internal changes after rehabilitation. And for some, changing their image is a call to change their entire life.
How to fight a tyrant
What methods should be used to fight the tyrant?
What to do if your husband hits you
If possible, you need to isolate yourself from him - do not voice excuses, but look for options. If you still cannot find such an opportunity, the problem of beatings should be made public. Contact the relevant authorities: notify the district police officer. Enlist the support of loved ones, write a statement to the police. Injuries received must be recorded. Tell your neighbors that if they hear screaming, they should call the police immediately.
In case of possible danger, quickly leave the house. Keep your keys, phone, money, documents in a safe but accessible place so you can quickly pick them up when you need to leave the house. Contact a crisis center where you can get legal and psychological help. Ask for refuge, inaccessible to the tyrant, from friends and relatives.
Situations of domestic violence vary: in some cases it is easier to escape from the tyrant, but it happens when immediate escape is unrealistic. Then you should resort to self-defense.
Self-defense
Some women who are systematically beaten by their husbands are already accustomed to self-defense. The woman goes on the attack to prevent her from being further harmed. The law defines the boundaries of self-defense in this way: the harm inflicted on the offender should be no more than that received by the victim herself.
If a woman finds herself in a position where she needs to defend her life, she cannot accurately determine the nature of the attack in order to adequately respond to the offender. There is a concept of “unexpected attack”, and in this case the victim can defend himself by any means.
Finding herself a victim of violence, a woman must immediately contact the police so that the local police officer can take preventive measures against the tyrant.
If the attacker was harmed, then under no circumstances try to get rid of traces of self-defense. The court may interpret this as a desire to evade responsibility. There is no need to wipe up the blood, get rid of objects with which you protected yourself, and so on, so that the actions are not defined as intentional harm to the other party.
The victim, forced to use self-defense, must necessarily record all the circumstances of the crime - this will subsequently simplify the situation.
In order not to lead to dire consequences of the situation, try to get out of it, even if this worsens your financial situation or deprives you of other advantages - life with a tyrant will not turn out well. Take action and believe in yourself, direct your strength to solving the problem in your life.
How to help a victim who doesn't want it
Those who have ever tried to help victims of domestic violence know from experience how difficult it is. The problem is that a person, under the influence of a despot, is morally exhausted and is not able to openly confront him. Therefore, support must be provided very carefully.
It is necessary to talk with a person who finds himself in a difficult life situation in private. You should express concern and ask what is happening. The victim will fear that she will be handed over to her abuser. If she is not ready to communicate, then she will avoid discussing this topic. It is important not to insist and make it clear that the conversation can be continued later.
If the victim nevertheless decides to open up, then you need to listen to her carefully. You can offer her a memo distributed by rehabilitation centers, which describes in detail the procedure for getting out of the current situation.
Photo: Shutterstock.com, Unsplash.com
Domestic Violence Law
In Russian legislation, there have been several attempts to pass a law that would define what is meant by domestic violence and also establish regulatory standards. In 2019, there is no law defining domestic violence as a legal problem. Such a law is needed, and many opposition teams and activists are seeking its adoption.
What does it give? If an elderly person or woman is the victim of violence, but does not result in severe bodily harm or death, then all this is classified as a private prosecution case. This means that the victim must go to the police himself or go to the magistrate, write a statement about the beatings and prove that they really happened. The beatings are removed at the trauma center, then you need to collect a lot of papers and fill them out correctly. Often the victim does not have the energy or time for this, is haunted by a feeling of shame, and cannot afford the services of a lawyer. Therefore, the case rarely goes to trial.
In Russian legislation there is no such thing as domestic violence. There are: beatings, beatings, death threats.
Society reacts differently to the relaxation of the law regarding domestic violence. Some say that this is the right thing to do and that a person should not be jailed for spanking as was the case in the past. Others are convinced that these amendments benefit domestic sadists who go beyond spanking but go unpunished.
“I thought: that’s it, I’ll jump. Only the cry of my little son stopped me.”
When I was 17 years old, I wanted to leave home: I wanted freedom. I had a very strained relationship with my mother. She was a tyrant, constantly demanding submission from me. Father was sitting. Relatives say it was allegedly a framed murder.
One day I was walking around the yard and met Denis. He was five years older. We exchanged phone numbers. Courtship, flowers, movies began.
Then he was still drinking and I constantly told him that I would be with him if he quit. And he quit, but didn’t say that he started using heroin then. And I, apparently wanting to get away from problems from home, began to meet with him. Then she got pregnant and got married.
World situation
What is the situation in the world with domestic violence?
In Russia
So, what is the threat to a spouse prone to tyranny for domestic violence? Each situation is individual, so the police have to investigate each case separately. If we talk about liability, then Article 116.1 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation can help. Criminal liability for domestic violence occurs only if the victim has previously filed a complaint with the court or the police regarding a similar problem against the perpetrator.
What punishment can a tyrant face? Fine in the amount of salary for a period of up to 3 months, compulsory work for a period of up to 240 hours, arrest for a period of up to three months.
Is criminal liability possible? Yes, but in case of relapse, with repeated regular beatings.
If we are talking about a single situational conflict, when there is no regular persecution of one person by another, then administrative liability is allowed. If the victim contacted the police for the first time, then administrative liability occurs only if the attack did not lead to temporary loss of ability to work or health.
So, let's summarize. In 2021, Russian legislation stopped considering domestic violence as a criminal offense unless it resulted in serious injuries. If the victim makes a single complaint, the offender faces administrative liability. If you apply again, the offender is charged under Article 116.1 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation “Beatings”.
In other countries
In other countries, the situation is different, and in most of them the attitude towards domestic violence is more violent. For example, if in the United States a person is convicted of domestic violence, he will be tried even if the victim suddenly withdraws the statement.
After calling the police, operatives arrive within five minutes. Considering that domestic violence periodically leads to death, this is a sufficient reason to immediately respond to a call. By the way, often the violators are emigrants who are not accustomed to such a reaction from law enforcement agencies.
Upon arrival, the police examine the victim (in 96% of cases the victim is a woman) for bruises, bruises, and so on. The home is inspected for damage (walls and furniture broken by a fist, etc.). If something like this is discovered, the abuser is arrested and spends the next day in a prison cell. During this time, the court hearing takes place, even if the victim suddenly decides to withdraw the statement.
The instigator of domestic violence must undergo therapy and is prohibited from living in his home until his sentence expires. The victim can file an “order of protection” indicating that she does not want to receive calls or emails from the abuser. He is also prohibited from approaching her at a distance of 20 meters. The detainee is obliged to fulfill all the conditions specified in the “order of protection”. Such protective orders and arrests are entered into a special criminal record, and subsequently this affects the career, obtaining citizenship and other areas.
How many women faced violence in 2019
According to current statistics published by WHO, the overall picture of discrimination in the family is visible. The conducted studies showed the following results of domestic crime:
- up to 76% of women experience physical and/or sexual harassment during their lifetime;
- in 50% of cases, victims of sexually motivated crimes are young girls under 16 years of age;
- about 130 million girls and women have undergone genital mutilation;
- More than 100 states have not yet passed laws against domestic violence.
In the countries of the post-Soviet space, things are no better with domestic tyranny. In Kazakhstan in 2021, more than 400 women died as a result of domestic violence, and in Ukraine the mortality rate exceeded 600 people per year. In Belarus, about 30% of girls and women become victims.
In Russia, family despots annually commit up to 40% of serious crimes. In 93% of such cases, women suffer. Statistics from the Ministry of Internal Affairs confirm that out of 50,000 total victims, 36 thousand are women, 11 thousand are children and only 3 thousand are men. A large percentage of victims (about 60%) are trying to hide the problem.
Pray and it will be given to you
As for prayer, asking God for help is, of course, necessary. However, if you expect that fervent petitions, frequent communion, and trips to holy places will automatically provide you with a new and improved version of your husband, this desire will not only be naively immature, but also impious.
Of course, if God wanted, he could have “reformatted” all people at once, putting in them the right program so that they would not commit evil. But why did He need the freedom of human will? Why did He give this disturbing gift to Adam and Eve, knowing that they would violate his prohibition? This means that God respects His most beloved creation and wants people to renounce evil consciously, and not mechanically. God respects the domestic tyrant and does not deprive even him of free will...
In prayer you can and should find support for your weak - just human ones! - strength, but you will still have to make decisions and take actions concerning your life on your own. No one in the world except you can do this.
Fix it with your love
The plot of beauty and the beast, which has been circulated in many novels and cannot help but change if you love it enough, is another trap if you perceive this plot not as a literary fiction, but as a guide to action.
Yes, of course, a domestic tyrant needs a woman to love him, but love in the understanding of such a man means that she will allow him to do whatever he pleases with her. He takes advantage of it, that's all. It is pointless to hope that one fine moment he will suddenly say: “Oh, what a scoundrel I am, she loves me, and I...” - and will begin to behave with you the way you want. For what? Everything suits him!
