Imagine a young father who follows the commandment to “put the oxygen mask on yourself first” and protects his sleep: after all, he is the only breadwinner in the family while his wife takes care of the baby. He goes to bed in a separate room, closes the door tightly so that crying does not wake him up. It would seem that everything is correct: the man made a choice in favor of his health.
But a woman rocking a baby and barely having time to sleep between feedings and changing diapers has no such choice. She has no one to entrust the newborn with so that she can sleep the “legitimate” eight hours without waking up, and the child’s life is entirely in her area of responsibility. Accumulating sleep deprivation leads to devastating consequences - from clinical depression to postpartum psychosis.
The situation when caring for oneself and one’s boundaries masks the complete shifting of one’s responsibilities onto the shoulders of another person is described by the term “hidden violence” or “ignorance.”»
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Situations that are completely trivial at first glance can be neglectful: feeding a small child junk food; forget that my grandmother asked me to buy her medicine; not calling back in response to three missed calls from an elderly father, etc. All these “little things”, upon closer examination, turn out to be not so harmless.
What is neglect?
The word neglect translated from English means “to neglect”, “not to pay attention”, “not to fulfill a duty”.
There is confusion with this term in the scientific literature, since two different meanings have been assigned to it. In neurophysiology, neglect is understood as a violation of the perception of one’s own body, expressed in “falling out” of the left or right side from the field of vision, and in social psychology - as a form of psychological violence in the form of neglect of the needs, interests and personality of the victim (we will talk about the second meaning) .
The study of neglect as a type of violence was initially conducted in the context of child-parent interaction. Child neglect is the systematic disregard by adults of a child's physical or emotional needs, which leads to long-term damage to his physical or psychological health.
For example, a son complains of a headache, but his parents brush him off: there’s nothing wrong with you, you’re still young. As a result, the child receives medical care only when the pain becomes completely unbearable. If its cause lay, for example, in hemorrhage or cerebral ischemia, lost time can lead to irreversible brain damage, disability and even death.
The reluctance of parents to allocate time for emotional communication and games with the child, or to make efforts to enroll in an educational institution, or to solve emerging problems, etc. - all these are also examples of parental neglect.
Now neglect is understood more broadly, and its victims can be recognized not only by children, but also by adults in vulnerable situations: pregnant women, mothers of infants, elderly people, patients in hospital institutions, etc. A common feature of such people is their temporary or constant dependence on others due to loss of employment and sometimes incapacity.
Negligence differs from occasional blunders or healthy border defense in the following ways:
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systematic neglect of responsibilities: “brushing aside” requests and dissatisfaction with the vital needs of a person dependent on a drug addict occurs constantly and is passed off as the norm;
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causing real damage or harm to the victim: neglect over and over again worsens the physical or psychological health of the dependent person, increases his economic lack of freedom, destroys social ties, etc.;
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a shift in the focus of responsibility: the neglecter does not admit his own guilt in what is happening, shifting it onto those around him or the victim himself.
Negligence manifests itself not only in close relationships: the rude treatment of doctors with patients in a hospital inpatient department is also hidden violence.
Doctors and medical staff may refuse pain relief to patients (“you’re not supposed to!”); not fulfill simple everyday requests: give drinking water or make the bed (“I’ll run to everyone!”); restrict freedom of movement (“it’s forbidden to leave the room!”), etc.
The workers of the medical institution do not feel guilty, explaining what is happening to various circumstances: orders from management, excessive workload, “wrong” behavior of the patients themselves.
However, each of these actions (or inactions), although not violating job descriptions, is actually violence and leads to increased stress and deterioration in the health of people already weakened by illness.
It turns out that neglect is a form of violence in which a person with power and obligations systematically refuses to satisfy the vital needs of a person dependent on him, does not provide the support and assistance he needs, and does not recognize his responsibility in the current situation.
Forms of hidden violence
The most important problem preventing the fight against negligence is its “invisibility”. Even those involved in a situation of hidden violence may not notice it, not to mention outside observers. Psychologists have compiled a list of forms in which neglect can manifest itself:
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emotional neglect - neglect of the psychological needs of a dependent person, his need for respect, communication, etc. (for example, parents ridiculing the romantic experiences of their teenage daughter);
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physical neglect - leaving a dependent person in a situation that is obviously dangerous to life or health (for example, refusing to call an ambulance for a person with signs of a sudden stroke);
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neglect in the educational sphere - preventing a dependent person from receiving general or vocational education (for example, the demand of older relatives that the daughter-in-law leave college immediately after marriage in order to provide everyday services for the family);
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medical negligence - inadequate provision of medical care, medications and care to a person with an acute or chronic illness (for example, a ban on blood transfusion to a child in need because of the religious views of the parents);
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neglect in the field of psychological health
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ignoring the recommendations of specialists (psychologists, psychotherapists, speech pathologists, etc.) on the psychological development or psychocorrection of a dependent person (for example, reproaching a person suffering from clinical depression for “doing nothing” and “laziness”).
Negligence always starts small: I forgot something, misunderstood something, lost my temper a little. Such mistakes are characteristic of any living person - shouldn’t we write everyone down as neglectors for this?
The key point that turns random errors into a systematic phenomenon is responsibility for eliminating their consequences.
For example, if a father with a disability and his adult son are late for a doctor’s appointment due to the latter’s fault, and he immediately undertakes to correct his mistake, spending his own resources on it: he himself negotiates with the doctor about an unscheduled consultation in the near future, pays for it himself, and brings the parent himself to clinic - we can talk about the normal nature of family interaction. Moreover, faced with the need to deal with the results of their own mistakes, people, as a rule, try to prevent their repetition: they leave early, set alarms and reminders on their phones, etc.
Relationships between people, one of whom depends on the other, can be considered destructive when the consequences of neglect - “forgetting” and ignoring - become a problem for the dependent person or third parties.
In this case, the negative scenario can be repeated, getting worse each time: the first time the matter will be late to the doctor, the second - a “mixed up” appointment date, the third - the son will even decide to be “offended” by his father, who complains that the consultation has already been postponed twice, and canceling the trip will be a kind of “punishment for ingratitude.” The burdens associated with treatment not prescribed on time will fall on the patient himself or on the person providing him with constant care (for example, an old mother). This situation already fits the description of medical negligence: it involves systematicity, evasion of responsibility, and infliction of real damage to the victim.
Negligence can successfully masquerade as completely ordinary patterns of behavior. These include, for example, the famous “creative absent-mindedness” of scientists, musicians or writers (even if the public has not yet received a single discovery, album or book from them).
It turns out to be very convenient to hide behind the idea of serving a great cause, so as not to take on the trouble of providing for and raising children, and in general bother with the base life, dumping all responsibilities on the shoulders of spouses or parents.
Another variant of hidden violence is the famous “there are many of you, but I am alone” - the refusal of workers in social institutions to look for options for helping those who need it: patients in the clinic, children in kindergarten, etc. When, under the pretext of emergency employment (and , that there is suddenly time for tea drinking or discussing gossip) the receptionist forces a person on crutches to jump up the stairs to the fourth floor for a certificate or the nanny leaves the baby in clothes soiled with soup - these are also manifestations of negligence, almost imperceptible and, alas, almost habitual.
Neglect (Neglect)
Neglect is a form of abuse.
Walter Isaacson. Steve Jobs. Biography
Disdain, dressed in polite form, has the most powerful effect.
Heinrich Böll. Billiards at half past nine
Neglect (Disregard) as a personality quality is a tendency to show an arrogant, contemptuous, disrespectful attitude towards someone or something; to ignore something, to recognize something as unworthy, not worthy of attention.
The monkey once said to the man: “Don’t you understand how destitute I am?” I don't have a house, clothes, or good food like you. No savings, no furnishings, no lands, no decorations - nothing at all. You, on the contrary, have not only all this, but even more! The man was ashamed and gave everything he had to the monkey, and he himself became a beggar. When the monkey officially took possession of all his property, the man asked her: “Well, what are you going to do with all this now?” The monkey replied: “I’ll talk to a penniless fool like you!”
Neglect is the attitude towards an object as something insignificant, not worthy of concentration. This may include advice and warnings from loved ones about danger, other people's opinions and assessments. They listen to the advice of those they respect. It was not for nothing that Dmitry Donskoy, before the Battle of Kulikovo, came to ask for advice from Sergius of Radonezh. Disdain is the opposite of respect. It looks arrogantly and contemptuously at its surroundings, does not believe or trust anyone, including God.
Neglecting God and His Word can undermine everything in life. This is what the Holy Scripture says: “And everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.” (Matthew 7:26) Neglecting God's commandments is disobedience to God. This is what the Holy Scripture says: “And he said to them: Is it good that you cancel the commandment of God in order to keep your tradition?” (Mark 7:9) To ignore the impulse to do what is right is the same as, or as sinful as, to do what is wrong. This is what Holy Scripture says: “So if anyone knows to do good and does not do it, it is sin for him.” (James 4617)
Neglect is the sister of stupidity and short-sightedness. If people were asked to draw an associative portrait of neglect, many would depict a camel, which, like a person with a dismissive mind, raises its head high, looking at everyone as if it were walking on stilts. The camel even looks at its owner with disdain. This does not mean that he is crazy. On the contrary, I strained my mind there. People who are carriers of neglect have a similar picture.
Neglect is evidence of a mind polluted by egoism. Pure mind is not influenced by false ego. The dismissive mind is completely blocked and polluted by the false ego. As soon as a person achieves something insignificant in life, it is possible to approach him only in a whisper. The mind is in ignorance, that is, it does not perceive new knowledge, being content with what it already has. Disdain immediately becomes unapproachable and proud; “you can’t approach it on a goat.” She answers any question with the question: “Are you asking me about this?”, “Have you even thought about who you are talking to? Did you miss the shore?”
Disdain, like a scanner, scans for vices in people without noticing their virtues. It focuses on the baseness and insignificance of the person it neglects. The same is true with other objects. Sergei Mikhalkov has a fable about this:
With a charred trunk opposite the house, the Centenary Oak rose to its top. More than once during a thunderstorm, he received lightning strikes with his chest amid the peals of thunder. But someone suddenly decided that the mighty trunk only spoiled the view from the country window. And he cut down the old oak tree so that he could better see the gate to the garden. But thunder struck, and the house and its outbuilding together burned to the ground from lightning in a thunderstorm. That lightning that night did not find the usual lightning rod in the same place...
An excellent example of neglect is described in Nikolai Starikov’s book “Myths and Truth about the Civil War. Who finished off Russia? We are talking about Rasputin and Nicholas II. It is important for us what Grigory Efimovich advised Nicholas II !
If, having a hypnotic effect on the royal family, he directed the emperor in a direction useful for the country and protected him from fatal mistakes, then Rasputin can be forgiven a lot. If, taking advantage of his closeness to the tsar, the holy elder simply “made money” and gave bad advice to the Russian monarch, that’s a completely different matter. Having considered Rasputin’s advice to the Tsar, one can understand what forces were interested in his elimination. It is those whose plans he interfered with who will draw up the future plan for the murder of Grigory Efimovich. Who did Rasputin cross? On the agenda of big European politics at the beginning of the twentieth century was the issue of organizing the First World War. It started in 1914, but everything could have happened earlier. The script for its beginning was already approved long ago. The powder keg in the Balkans has already been laid. All that remained was to set it on fire and put Russia and Germany on top of it. The price of the issue is nothing less than domination over the whole world. To begin the process, all that is needed is Russia’s intransigence, coupled with its desire to help the “brother Slavs.”
And - unexpectedly - an illiterate Siberian man stood in the way of the future Russian and world catastrophe! In 1912, when Russia was ready to intervene in the Balkan conflict for the first time, Rasputin begged Nicholas II on his knees not to enter the war. Count Witte in his memoirs points out that “he (Rasputin) indicated all the disastrous results of the European fire, and the arrows of history turned differently. War was averted." This is not an unfounded statement. The First World War began in 1914 according to exactly the same scenario as was prepared two years earlier. The conflict in the Balkans, Russia supports Serbia, Austria receives support from Germany, and off we go! And then he confuses all the cards! War does not happen, there are no revolutions, there is no Civil War, but there is the Russian Empire, like a rock, still towering among the European continent!
Rasputin gave the right recommendations to the Russian Tsar! Yes, for one such piece of advice we can safely erect a monument to him! Here the skeptic reader will wince and ask an absolutely reasonable question: why didn’t the psychic Rasputin dissuade Nicholas II from entering the war in 1914, if he so cleverly did it two years earlier? This is where the fun begins. Incredible, amazing, inexplicable. Miracles and that's it.
“In June, shortly before Guseva’s assassination attempt, Rasputin often repeated to the sovereign that he must beware of France and get closer to Germany” - these are the words of the French ambassador to Russia, Maurice Paleologue. The respected Parisian diplomat forgot to indicate one important detail - “June, this is June 1914! There is only a month before the start of the First World War. According to the old style, it will begin on July 19, according to the new style - on August 1! Rasputin is precisely warning Nicholas II against a mistake that will lead to the destruction of the Russian Empire. Amazing coincidence! The French diplomat remembered and wrote it down in his diary because Rasputin hit the mark in his advice, right to the point. Why didn’t Nikolai listen to him this time? The Russian Tsar did not listen to Rasputin’s wise advice and “fell into a terrible world war from the second go, BECAUSE AT THE MOMENT OF NICHOLAS II’S FATAL DECISION, RASPUTIN WAS NEAR DEATH!”
After all, almost simultaneously with the murder of the Austrian Archduke Franz Ferdinand, an attempt was made on Rasputin’s life! On June 15 (28), 1914, the Austrian heir was killed in Sarajevo; two weeks later, Rasputin almost lost his life in his native Siberian village. Syzran bourgeois Khionia Guseva, with her nose sunken from syphilis, sticks a dagger into Rasputin’s stomach. It is difficult to imagine that she acted in sync with the assassins of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. However, let's not rush to conclusions. We already know that after the death of Rasputin, the Russian Empire will exist for a little more than two months. This is not a mystical coincidence, but a clearly organized beginning of a brilliant operation by British intelligence to destroy the Russian Empire: Revolution - Decomposition - Disintegration.
The assassination of Franz Ferdinand is a reason for war, it is the Bickford cord of the world conflict. But the bomb planted under the European world will not be able to explode unless the Russian Tsar takes an intransigent position. Rasputin can soften it, as was the case two years ago, with his advice. Grigory Efimovich himself repeatedly stated later: “If that bitch hadn’t stabbed me then, there would probably never have been any war, I wouldn’t have allowed it.”
The difference of two weeks between the two attempts is also not accidental. The political situation in the world does not heat up immediately; a month and three days will pass from the assassination of Franz Ferdinand to the start of the First World War. Moreover, the first two weeks will be relatively calm and will not foreshadow a terrible outcome. Then Europe will very quickly slide into war. At this decisive moment, Rasputin must be dead so that he cannot stop Nikolai from taking a disastrous step. But there was a misfire, Rasputin was not killed, but he is still near death, unconscious. Only just before the beginning of the future world conflict did he finally come to his senses. Rasputin's influence and authority are so great that the Tsar cannot help but ask his advice. Tsarevich Alexei's teacher, the Frenchman Pierre Gilliard, confirms the fact that the tsar turned to Rasputin for advice on declaring war. As soon as he came to his senses, the elder sent telegrams, “begging the sovereign not to start a war, because with the war there would be an end to Russia and to them [the reigning persons] and to the last man.”
Lady-in-waiting Vyrubova personally delivered one of these dispatches to the Tsar. She testifies that he accepted the telegram with dull irritation, and according to another version, he even tore the piece of paper into small pieces. The pressure on Nicholas II was terrible; the military demanded immediate mobilization. And he agreed to it, but immediately demanded that mobilization not be announced. Where do such fluctuations come from? The Tsar received Rasputin’s telegram and had doubts. But Grigory Efimovich is far away, and the war party is pushing through the necessary decision... The war begins: the plan for the destruction of Russia: Revolution - Decomposition - Disintegration is put into action.
Petr Kovalev Other articles by the author: https://www.podskazki.info/karta-statej/
Why is neglect also violence?
The consequences for victims of neglect are as sad as for victims of other types of violence. In addition to direct damage due to failure to provide timely help, these include chronic stress, difficulties in social interaction, depressive and anxiety disorders, social isolation, a tendency to build dysfunctional relationships in the future, and even poor susceptibility to antidepressants.
The general mechanism for the development of these problems is something like this: constantly faced with the devaluation of requests and complaints, and subsequently the personality as a whole, the victim gets used to the idea of his own insignificance and the lack of the right to basic care from others.
A distorted image of one’s own “I” is formed, which influences all further human behavior - from the choice of future spouses to the willingness to give up one’s resources at the slightest pressure from outside.
Because of this, many of the consequences of neglect are delayed, appearing many years after leaving the traumatic situation.
How does contempt manifest itself?
A contemptuous attitude is noticeable in a person’s speech, facial expressions, gestures, and actions. Here are just a few of the main markers:
- sarcasm,
- evil ridicule,
- criticism,
- insults,
- ridicule,
- grin,
- ingratiating tone of voice,
- eye rolling,
- one raised eyebrow,
- look from top to bottom,
- arms crossed skeptically on chest,
- emotionlessness in the voice,
- ignoring the opponent,
- increasing the distance,
- expression of disgust,
- looking away (“ugh, it’s disgusting to look at”),
- detachment.
Such people are unpleasant to communicate with. After dialogue with them, you get the feeling that a bucket of slop has been poured on you. Interestingly, arrogant types themselves are confident that others treat them poorly, without due attention and respect. That they are underestimated.
How to test yourself for hidden violence?
The variety of forms and the implicit destructive effect of neglect make this type of violence not obvious not only to its victims, but also to the neglecter himself. What outwardly looks like a desire to isolate oneself from imposed problems can in fact be both healthy self-care and a destructive way of building relationships.
What to do if you doubt whether your own actions are manifestations of negligence? To find out, you can use a checklist based on criteria proposed by researchers from the University of London:
- you do not pay attention to the fact that a person who depends on you (a child, an elderly relative, a patient, etc.) is upset or offended by something;
- you are not interested in what the person who depends on you was doing while you were not seeing each other;
- you do not try to calm down a person who depends on you if he is upset or alarmed;
— from time to time you leave a person who depends on you alone (without supervision or the ability to quickly contact you);
- you are not interested in the feelings and experiences of the person who depends on you;
— you do not provide a person who depends on you with the opportunity to undergo routine or preventive medical examinations;
- you do not take care of a person who depends on you during illness or illness;
- due to your actions or inaction, a person dependent on you cannot fully satisfy basic needs (food, clothing, sleep, etc.).
If at least half of these statements are true, we can confidently say that there is negligence in the relationship.
However, even if only 2-3 points from the checklist are true, this is a wake-up call: you are systematically ignoring the emotional or physical needs of someone who, due to age, illness or other circumstances, cannot take care of himself.
It is important to note that all of the listed criteria for negligence are valid only for those cases when people are connected to each other by professional, family or moral obligations and at the same time one has a certain power, and the second, on the contrary, is limited in its capabilities (temporarily or permanently).
If a wife did not take time off from work in order to sit at the bedside of her husband, who had a slight cold, this does not characterize her as a neglecter, since the participants in the situation are in a relationship of parity and are not in a dangerous situation. But if the husband refused to leave the corporate event in order to take his wife with contractions to the maternity hospital, this may be a sign of hidden violence, since the giving birth woman is in a vulnerable position, and untimely provision of medical care seriously threatens the health of the mother and child.
Reasons for contempt
Why do some people despise others? Because they are afraid (no matter how strange it may sound, given one of the meanings of the word). In the person they despise, they see something similar to themselves, or something they have already overcome but are afraid to return to, or something they have not encountered but are very afraid to face. For example, some people who have lost weight begin to hate those who are fat. Why? Because they are afraid to become like that again. Why do rich people despise poor people? Because they themselves are afraid of losing their status, their fortune. Why does someone despise others for being lazy? Because he subconsciously understands that this lives in him too.
What contempt really is, or what is hidden behind it:
- fear of becoming the same person who is despised;
- internal prohibitions (a person despises those who do not forbid themselves to do what they want);
- self-contempt, self-resentment;
- non-acceptance of oneself and dislike for oneself;
- arrogance, self-superiority, pride, selfishness and egocentrism;
- narcissism and psychopathy (this is a clinical case, you need to go to a psychiatrist with this problem).
The reasons for a contemptuous attitude are always inherent in the one who despises. As a rule, these are people with low self-esteem, complexes and internal contradictions. They are used to feeling unwanted and defending themselves. We chose the tactic “the best defense is an attack.”
Contempt is a trait of an immature personality. This is a childish reaction. Children first master it at the age of 4–7 years, and it finds its maximum expression in adolescence. As a person matures, contempt disappears from a person’s life. But if growing up has not occurred, then the primitive reaction of the opposition remains. Indignation, living on emotions, inability to think rationally and control oneself, inability to express oneself, to earn respect and recognition, inability to understand oneself and others - this forces teenagers to take an oppositional position. What motivates adults? The same.
Negligence towards oneself
However, you can be a negligent, even if you do not have small children, pregnant wives, dependent patients or disabled parents. There is definitely a person in the world whose well-being depends entirely on your actions - you yourself .
Neglect of one’s own needs, the habit of not noticing fatigue and disappointment, urging oneself “come on, get yourself together, you rag, there’s no point in snotting around here” - these are signs of a phenomenon called “self-ignorance” by psychologists.
The consequences of this type of neglect can be even more destructive than the results of “external” violence: a person who ignores his desires and emotions often refuses to accept the help of others, considering his problems not worth attention. This behavior usually worsens over time, up to the development of various forms of suicidal behavior - refusal to eat, neglect of physical safety rules, sleep deprivation, etc. - accompanied by severe somatic and mental disorders.
Try checking yourself using a checklist describing manifestations of neglect in relation to yourself:
- you often do work, not paying attention to fatigue and hunger;
— you postpone scheduled and preventive visits to the doctor until you feel symptoms of a health problem;
- you deny yourself entertainment and pleasure, feeling that you don’t deserve them;
- you neglect proper rest, sleep or hygiene due to work, household chores and other matters;
- you do not allocate time and money for your own studies or self-development in an area that interests you;
- you shame yourself for “excessive” displays of emotions, tears or complaints;
- you often suffer from illnesses on your feet, and begin work or household duties without completing the treatment and recovery process;
- you do not provide yourself with adequate nutrition, grabbing food on the run, making do with junk food or cheap, monotonous food.
If you gave four or more affirmative answers, your self-neglect is dangerous and, what is especially scary, systemic. Even two matches with the checklist may be enough to think about how you can change habitual, but, alas, self-destructive behavior on your own or with the help of a specialist.
“Neglect” in proverbs and sayings
The word "neglect" is not used very often in folklore. By and large, most people have heard only one proverb: “Live by your own wits, but do not neglect good advice.”
As you can see, folk wisdom also conveys that you should not refuse moral support, even that which you did not ask for. Neglect is more a sign of small intelligence than of wisdom and awareness.
Causes and sources of hidden violence
Like any phenomenon, negligence does not develop in a vacuum. Among its reasons are internal (related to the personality characteristics of the negliger himself) and external (reinforcing negligence as an unspoken norm of social behavior).
Internal factors of neglect include :
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Emotional burnout. A specific reaction to overstrain caused by high work or household stress, as well as parental responsibilities, is one of the most common prerequisites for the manifestation of neglect.
Often in such cases, a person isolates himself from other people’s problems - this is an attempt by the psyche to somehow preserve the remnants of strength, despite the fact that in the long term the consequences of such an attitude will be even more destructive.
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Low empathy. Empathy, that is, the ability to empathize with others, triggers the mechanism of caring. Accordingly, the inability to put oneself in the shoes of a loved one can be a key reason why their feelings and needs are perceived as unimportant, and their fulfillment is relegated to the background or simply ignored.
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Cognitive impairment. Often a person with disorders of memory, thinking and volitional regulation cannot take care not only of another person, but also of himself - this phenomenon is often observed in older people suffering from dementia and other mental disorders. In this case, the neglect is not purposeful: the person is simply unable to remember the instructions or predict the results of his own actions.
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Substance abuse. Systematic use of alcohol or drugs significantly reduces the ability to engage in normal social interaction. Chemical dependence distorts personality: a person becomes rude, irritable, and ceases to fulfill parental and other responsibilities. According to researchers, this factor is a key prerequisite for the development of neglect in low-income families.
External causes of neglect are associated with three important indicators:
- economic well-being;
- characteristics of parental education;
- general tolerance of society to violence.
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Existing below the poverty line, when people are forced to struggle every day for survival, greatly contributes to the development of neglect.
It is extremely difficult to respond to the emotional needs of children or provide quality medical care to a sick aunt if you work three jobs and still struggle to make ends meet.
Moreover, chronically malnourished people develop psychopathological symptoms: narrowing of interests, increasing irritability and aggressiveness, egocentrism, etc. - all this, of course, makes them more dismissive of the needs of loved ones.
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The style of parenting largely determines a person’s basic attitude towards himself and the world. In the family, our ideas about how to interact with others are laid down, and we very often reproduce the behavior patterns of our parents with us when communicating with our own children. Scientists from Harvard University have shown that a dysfunctional relationship model, including emotional rejection, a “cold” parenting style, ignoring children’s problems, etc., is highly likely to be reproduced in subsequent generations of the same family.
If your parents ignored your needs (or other household members) for educational purposes or simply due to a lack of emotional resources, you will need a lot of effort and time to develop other, more humane ways of interacting.
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The attitude of society towards violence is another significant prerequisite for the manifestation of its hidden forms in relation to unprotected members of society. Negligence can be perceived as a norm for treating children, the elderly, patients, etc., and social stereotypes play an important role in the formation of such a norm. Moreover, in some situations, not one person, but an entire group can act as a non-glector: a family, a community, a city, or even an entire state.
Such social ignorance is manifested, for example, in a collective refusal to support vulnerable groups of the population - from the expulsion of nursing mothers from public places (and the subsequent fierce Internet debate about whether a woman with a breastfeeding child can go beyond the clinic and playground) to the absolute inaccessibility of the urban environment for people in wheelchairs and an indifferent refusal to help: “Not allowed.”
Potential victims of social neglect are any representatives of discriminated groups. The results of a study of the attitudes of nursing home staff towards residents showed that the needs of those older people who are poor, belong to a racial or religious minority, have a disability, etc. are more often ignored.
The imbalance is also noticeable in gender terms: on the one hand, girls more often become victims of parental neglect, and on the other, society is much less tolerant of manifestations of neglect by women than the same behavior of men.
However, if in Western psychology this problem is at least voiced and studied, then in Russia they practically do not talk about it at all. Unfortunately, for our society, violence is still perceived as an undeniable attribute of any, even the slightest, power.
An excellent illustration is the famous janitor syndrome, when visitors of various institutions have difficulty accessing services, are denied service, or simply make offensive remarks by lower-level employees - security guards, clerks, etc. - who, through negligence, realize their, albeit momentary, superiority over another person.
Unfortunately, it is impossible to completely get rid of the influence of society on our views, but it is quite possible over time to develop the skill of critical perception of traditional habits and stop, for example, shaming people for showing weakness or devaluing their feelings.
What if you are a non-glector?
What to do if you realize that your behavior in general or in individual but regular little things is similar to negligence?
No matter who the target is: a child, a relative, a patient or yourself, in order to correct the situation you need to learn new, non-violent interaction techniques.
The first step to any change is to understand the reasons that motivate you to act ineffectively.
What needs do you have that come to the fore when you act as a non-gluer? Why do you forget requests, make fun of other people’s feelings, and always answer when trying to start a conversation: “I’m busy”? Depending on the real cause of neglect, getting rid of it can be based on different mechanisms - from seeing a doctor to treat physiological problems affecting cognitive abilities, to changing professions or reviewing one’s own role in family relationships.
In any case, it will be useful to master nonviolent communication techniques aimed at direct and unambiguous voice by interlocutors of their own feelings, needs and requests.
A frank conversation with a loved one or a psychologist can help clarify “difficult” moments and develop careful ways of responding in “non-resource” states.
For example, it can be helpful to create a list of necessary household routines, in which you will mark off the completed tasks every day, so as not to leave the tedious responsibility of reminding you of your part of the housework on your spouse every day. It is possible that the habitually erupting words “Leave me alone, I have no time for you” can be turned into “I’m sorry, I feel very tired, let me rest, and in an hour we can talk.”
It may also turn out that the profession that you once entered with a burning desire to help people has not brought satisfaction for a long time, and those around you, both at work and at home, suffer from your prolonged burnout.
A special case is manifestations of self-neglect, which often lives next to low self-esteem and negative self-attitude. It can be quite difficult to understand the reasons for the ingrained attitude “I am not worthy of care” on your own: probably in this case, turning to a psychotherapist will be a good support. A specialist will help you reconsider priorities, introduce systematic self-care practices into your life, and generally improve your sense of self and self-perception.
Now we are actively reconsidering our views on human communication: violence is becoming unacceptable not only in obvious, but also in hidden forms. Looking for signs of neglect can feel like pulling an owl onto a globe, until it becomes clear to you that tolerance of violence is a manifestation of violence against oneself. Few of us have been completely free of violence in our relationships, but we have the ability to design our lives in a way that makes this possible.
The use of words in modern creativity
A few years ago, the word “neglect” was returned to the lexicon of young people by singer RuKola (the girl’s real name is Manizha) with her song “I Neglect.” This composition appeared in 2007 and became a real hit on domestic radio stations and music channels. This song made the singer famous, and later a video was shot for it by the famous showman and KVN player Semyon Slepakov. The lyrics of the song talk about a relationship in which the girl, for her own personal reasons, does not treat her lover very well. According to the meaning of the song, to neglect is to treat a person without due attention.
