Teen Love: What You Need to Know

Teenage falling in love is not uncommon. It becomes a real test for both the lover and his parents. For teenagers - due to their inexperience, and for parents - due to surprise. It seems to many adults that just yesterday their “kids” were playing with dolls and cars, but today they have completely different games and fun. Both sides are in a state of real confusion. In this article we will look at the characteristics of teenage relationships and the most common mistakes parents make.

Teenage love

Young people are not always ready to share their love experiences with their parents. You can find out that Cupid has captivated a young heart by the following signs:

From a fan of computer games, he suddenly turned into a connoisseur of walking in the fresh air. Partial interrogation and prohibitions from parents will contribute to a loss of trust. It is necessary to announce to the rebel in love the time limits of his dates.
If, while communicating on the phone, a child constantly strives for privacy, this indicates that he has an object of desire.
Close attention to your appearance, hairstyle and wardrobe, the desire to look bright, stylish, and fashionable can be indirect signs of sympathy.
A teenager's request to increase his allowance should alert parents. Money may be needed not only for dates, but also if he seeks to declare his “adulthood” with the help of harmful inclinations: smoking and alcohol.
Contraceptives found by parents in a teenager should not provoke a hysterical reaction. This will only create a barrier in the relationship that will be very difficult to overcome.

In adolescence, physical development does not correspond at all to mental and social development. It may seem that outwardly young people are already ready for mature feelings and their development, but in fact this is not the case. They don't realize that to build a relationship, you need to learn to control your instincts. Love should not be like an uncontrollable element that breaks everything in its path.

Parents need to convey the idea to their children that physical intimacy is a consequence of harmonious relationships between lovers, their new round. A necessary condition for sex is the moral and psychological maturity of young people, which consists of a number of aspects. The first of them is the ability and willingness to take responsibility for one’s actions and their consequences, for a loved one. Teenagers are not able to take on such responsibility, if only because they are financially dependent on their parents.

Unfortunately, in modern society, where the media is engaged in the promotion of sex, early sexual intercourse is far from uncommon. Sexual freedom is associated with sexual permissiveness. In order to justify promiscuity, young people tend to equate love and sex. The task of parents is to prevent the replacement of true values with false ones. This is the only opportunity to form a correct idea of love among teenagers.

How to Set Boundaries

Boundaries are the basis of human relationships. No boundaries - there will be no maturity, security and personal growth for either your teenager or yourself. Creating boundaries and maintaining their integrity is not an easy task, but if you follow the rules for developing them, the result will not be long in coming.

First of all, this is the limit for returning home : at 22:00, or, if he is at a girl’s house, at 22:30. It is because of the “curfew” that the main battles with the teenager flare up. In this war, you need to stand firm: the teenager, although he opposes your rules, will be grateful to you, even if he never expresses this gratitude out loud. For him, the feeling of control and guardianship has not only practical, but also psychological significance: he feels the stability of his life, its reliability, feels the firmness of his parents, feels that they are ready to bear responsibility for him. Yes, he protests, he resists, he threatens not to go to school - remain firm and calm (even if visible!), do not raise your voice.

Your son needs to refuse temptations, as a rule, alcohol and drugs, which are offered to him by the yard company. At the same time, he strives to remain part of the company of his peers, not to be a “black sheep” in it. The restrictions and boundaries that you create for him are an excellent excuse, as teenagers say, an “excuse” in order to avoid questionable actions, blaming everything on the “ancestors” who demand to return home at 22.00, and sober, without bad breath. and cloudy eyes. It is easier for a teenager to resist temptations if there is an opportunity to shift responsibility for their refusal to their parents.

Psychology of Adolescents

Adolescence is characterized by significant physical changes in the body. An increase in hormonal activity is manifested in the formation of secondary sexual characteristics and features of the nervous system: excitation processes predominate over inhibition. This explains the emotional outbursts, imbalance and conflict of adolescents. Going through the stage of personal growth, boys and girls strive for autonomy. At the same time, they are not alien to the desire to become a member of any social group whose interests they share.

There are many contradictions at this age: a combination of isolation and sociability, cynicism and daydreaming, arrogance and shyness. Bipolarity of the psyche manifests itself in all its glory and in some cases becomes the cause of serious mental disorders, which begin much more often during this period of human life than at others.

The teenager realizes that he differs little from adults, although at the same time he must obey them in everything. He tries in every possible way to demonstrate his maturity: in clothes, manner of communication, actions, bad habits such as smoking and drinking alcohol, early sexual intercourse.

The conflict between fathers and children keeps both of them in constant tension. On the one hand, striving for independence, the teenager rebels against the advice and opinions of adults, their desire to limit his freedom. On the other hand, the opinion of his parents still remains very important to him. It is no coincidence that in his search for his own identity and role model in society, he chooses what is familiar to him from childhood, most often copying the models of his parents. Therefore, the example of “fathers” is a very important factor in the formation of a child’s personality.

All teenagers go through puberty. Gender psychological differences explain its characteristics in girls and boys. So, for the former, this process begins earlier. Girls need psychological intimacy, a response to which they often find in older boys. Erotic overtones are not as important for them as for young people.

Although puberty in young men occurs a little later, it manifests itself more rapidly. Hypersexuality is a consequence of their psychophysiological characteristics of increased sexual excitability.

Early puberty ends quickly in young men. The late stage is characterized by a protracted and sluggish course.

Teenage relationships

First love is a wonderful feeling. However, due to the fact that teenagers have no experience, they make numerous mistakes in relationships that can be easily avoided. Psychologists give numerous advice on this issue:

In the first days of dating, you need to learn as much as possible about each other so that a wave of disappointment does not overwhelm the teenager at the most inopportune moment - when the relationship is already in full swing. Parting at the peak of affection will bring severe pain and bitterness of disappointment.
You should remember about yourself and your interests, and not dissolve in the object of passion. If a young man is into hard rock or football, this does not mean that a girl should give up her favorite dancing in order to share his hobbies with him.
Maintain the boundaries of your personal space without devoting all your free time to the object of your desire. Don’t forget about the other side of the coin - don’t be intrusive, don’t try to control every step of your partner.
We must not forget about plans for the future. Feelings of love should not negatively affect your performance at school. If a partner demands attention and does not want to take into account the interests of his other half, it is hardly worth continuing communication with such a selfish person.
The decision to engage in sexual intercourse must be balanced and deliberate. You should not be led by passion, so as not to regret it in the future. If a partner insists and is not ready to wait, perhaps he is only interested in sex, and there is no talk of love here. If the decision is made, do not forget about its possible negative consequences - accidental pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Use contraceptives.
In case of problems and failures on the personal front, you should not withdraw into yourself. Communication with friends, creative activities, sports, and hobbies will help you get rid of gloomy thoughts. The support of your family should not be neglected. It is possible that the rich baggage of their life experience will provide answers to complex questions.

School

The child does not want to study and skips school. As a result, academic performance dropped. How to regain interest in studying?

Understand the reason for the current situation: do not shout, do not blame, do not shake the diary in your face and do not call the child stupid.

“There can be several reasons for refusing to study. For example, stress from communicating with classmates or teachers - a child may be bullied at school. Reluctance to learn can also be dictated by low self-esteem: a teenager thinks that he always looks like a loser compared to his peers, and sees no point in trying. Or perhaps you put too much pressure and overly control the learning process: you demand only high grades, arrange interrogations and “exams” - this causes resistance. Also among the reasons for academic failure are an unhealthy situation in your family, friendship with “bad company,” difficulties in understanding the material being taught, and simply fatigue,” explains Marina Nozdrova, a teacher of the highest category and winner of the Russian Presidential Prize.

The easiest way to restore interest in learning is if a child skips school because he has fallen behind his classmates. There's nothing wrong with that - everyone has their own abilities. Explain to the child that he has nothing to be ashamed of, discuss the situation with teachers and try to work with the teenager at home. You can connect a tutor - probably the child has not mastered just one topic, without which it is difficult to understand the new material.

You can also solve the problem of hypercontrol yourself. Loosen your grip: grades in school are just grades. Let your child relax; he doesn’t have to live up to your expectations endlessly. Other reasons for academic failure may require consultation with a specialist.

The teenager stopped talking about how he was doing at school. He answers “everything is fine.” I ask questions - he gets angry. Why?

“Perhaps the child is simply tired of your control. With his silence, he wins the right to personal space. If a teenager categorically refuses to talk to you about school and it seems to you that there are negative reasons for this, contact the class teacher and ask him. If your fears are justified, try to calmly discuss the problem with your child and offer your support,” recommends Marina Nozdrova.

Your task, as in the case of academic failure, is to find out the reasons why the child does not want to share the news. If he becomes isolated only when discussing school, this could be a warning sign.

My child is being bullied at school. What to do?

If your child is bullied at school, it is not his fault. Children bully their peers simply because they can. The reason can be any: hair color, height, weight, clothing, hobby. Your child's personality or appearance is just an excuse for bullying. Its real reason is the desire of the aggressor to become a leader.

A child who is the target of bullying may develop complexes, phobias and even mental disorders. Therefore, it is advisable to seek help from a specialist.

“Your task is to explain to the child that everything is fine with him, he did nothing to deserve insults, humiliation or beatings. Show that you are always on his side and will go with him to the end. Do not ask your child to endure bullying, teach him to respect himself. New achievements will help strengthen a teenager’s self-confidence. Therefore, find options for self-affirmation, focusing on his interests and abilities: send him to a music school or sports section. Also try to raise your child’s self-esteem, inspire him to believe in himself,” advises Marina Nozdrova.

To stop bullying forever, you need to work with the entire team. If you see that the class teacher and school psychologist lack the qualifications, experience or desire to do this, contact the school principal. If it doesn’t help, contact the local education department. You can also write a statement to the police if your child is physically suffering from bullying - before this, you need to record the beatings in the emergency room. Proving emotional abuse will be nearly impossible.

What should I do if my child bullies others?

Typically, bullies can be divided into two opposing types. The first is the popular students, the so-called kings and queens with their retinue. The second is antisocial children who are trying to take the throne.

“If your child bullies others, you need to look for the cause of the aggression. You should understand your behavior and comprehend family relationships, since most often the cause of aggression lies precisely in the parents. This should not offend you - do not put any labels on yourself or your teenager. If he bullies other kids, it doesn't mean you are a bad parent and he will end up in jail. Be calm and reasonable, seek help from a specialist with the whole family,” recommends Marina Nozdrova.

It also happens that a child behaves overly aggressively in response to bullying - this is his way of protecting himself. Perhaps he simply doesn’t know any other way.

For example, in the series “Contact” from the PREMIER video service, the teenage main character Yulia (Irina Pautova) cut off her classmate Sveta’s braid right in class and hit her neck with the blade because of an insulting note. There could be another way to defend your dignity. But Yulia could not contain the accumulated aggression, the cause of which was pain and loneliness.

Her parents separated, her mother flew to Berlin, and her father - former opera Gleb Barnashov (Pavel Maykov) - began to wash down the divorce with alcohol. Because of this, he was fired from the homicide department. And although Barnashov now works as a juvenile affairs inspector, he absolutely does not understand children and does not know how to communicate with them. Including my own daughter.

Yulia found herself alone against a hostile environment: public, virtual and even urban. Her unsightly actions are due only to the desire to protect herself, and by and large, the responsibility for them lies with the adults who abandoned her without lending a helping hand. It is important to remember that a teenager’s aggressive behavior is most often a symptom of his troubles.

Features of teenage love 12-16 years old

Psychologists say that love between a man and a woman has three levels: physical, emotional and spiritual. In an adult lover they merge into one. In adolescence, things are a little different. Physiological needs and feelings are disconnected.

Both boys and girls can experience sublime feelings for one person, but at the same time enter into an intimate relationship with another, without particularly thinking about the fact that they are acting, to put it mildly, dishonestly in relation to the object of their adoration.
Teenagers often treat sexual intercourse very frivolously and are prone to frequent changes of partners.

According to statistics, two-thirds of high school students manage to change from three to five sexual partners by the time they graduate from school. Most of them are well informed about contraception, but this does not eliminate the risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy.

First love does not yet fully understand what the criteria for choosing an object of sympathy should be. And since these criteria change, new loves arise along with them.
A teenager is capable of falling in love many times over the course of one month, and each time it will seem to him that this will last a lifetime. Increased hormonal levels make him react sharply to any difficulties in relationships. Emotionality, impulsiveness, thoughtlessness of actions are integral components of love among 14-year-old teenagers.

A feature of this age is that the center of the child’s physical and spiritual life moves from home to the environment of peers and adults. Communication with society becomes his main activity. He prefers to share his emotional experiences not with loved ones and family, but with friends and peers. This is how the psychology of teenagers explains their desire to spend as much time as possible outside the walls of their home.

Questions of love worry young people long before this feeling comes to them. Its attractiveness lies not only in the unknown and novelty, but also in the fact that it provides an opportunity for self-affirmation among peers, arousing their envy, admiration and respect. Unfortunately, it is not always real. Sometimes a teenager can fake falling in love because it benefits him.

There is a lot of fantasy in youthful love: the loved one is always idealized, he has no flaws. Often love cannot be differentiated from sympathy, affection and attraction. She is cut off from life, does not look into the future, resembles an interesting game, because her goal cannot be to create strong and long-term relationships. She is fragile, vulnerable, naive, stupid, but still beautiful.

Little love epidemics

As we have already said, adolescents have an extraordinary tendency to imitate: after all, it is vital for them to be the same as the boys in their “reference group”, not to differ from the group, to merge with it. Teenagers are characterized by various psychological “epidemics”: in the field of fashion, in musical tastes and preferences, in sports, even in speech. Among others - a love epidemic.

As soon as a couple in love appears in the ninth, tenth, eleventh grade, several more couples are formed within a few days: two, three, four. At the same time, another five or six boys are trying to form a permanent couple, intensively courting girls from their own or a parallel class, girls from their own or a neighboring house, writing them love text messages and just notes. Very quickly the epidemic spreads to neighboring classes, and soon we see that during breaks at school there are already a dozen couples “cooing”, and they are returning from school together.

These couples, of course, are very different: some are already sexually active, others don’t even kiss, they are “friends” and communicate - although they are all the same or approximately the same age. Some couples, although formed as a result of the epidemic, will last a long time - several years, some of them will develop into real marriages: in large cities of Russia, every ninth man (11%!) is married to his “school sweetheart”.

The better the school, the more love couples there are and the higher the proportion of those couples for whom school friendship culminated in marriage. American adolescent psychologists discovered this pattern 50 years ago: in good schools, student cohesion is higher, their attitude towards each other is more positive, they rate each other higher, they spend more time at school (in various clubs, etc.). As a result, there are more loves and “loves,” and these “loves” are stronger.

Parents' mistakes

Advice for the older generation:

Don't be afraid of losing your authority. Even if your child constantly argues with you and provokes conflict, this does not mean that he does not love you. Change the mentor's tone to friendly participation, give the opportunity to show independence, and he will repay you with warmth and respect.
Conversations about sex education should be one of the topics of your confidential communication. Feel free to talk about sex and physical development. It will be better if he learns about the possible negative consequences of early sexual intercourse from you, and not in the gateway of the house where you live, or from the pages of Internet resources for adults, where sex is presented as something mandatory for happiness and strong relationships.
Do not build communication in the form of interrogation. Tell your child about your first love, your feelings and experiences. Be honest, this will gain his trust.
Parents should know the guys who are part of the teenager's closest social circle. Invite them into your home more often to understand who your child is friends with. It’s definitely worth getting to know your child’s chosen one. Don't exaggerate the situation and don't throw a family viewing or dinner party. Try to be friendly and open.
Teenagers are very sensitive to criticism of their friends and lovers, so parental condemnation of their choices can hurt and have a negative impact on relationships with adults. Categorical statements can cause a desire to do things out of spite. Do not provoke a teenager to defend his decision in this way. He should know about your doubts, but this should be done not in a raised tone, without insults and reproaches.
He should feel the understanding and support of his parents. Somewhere you can listen, somewhere you can help with advice, distract or redirect his attention by offering an interesting activity or leisure time together. The main thing is not to laugh at a teenager’s falling in love, not to judge, but to take it seriously.

Self-expression

The child changed his clothing style and hairstyle. Is this a signal that something is happening to him?

“It could be anything or nothing at all. The teenager just tried it. It's great if you can notice changes without judgment. For example: “Oh, you have a new T-shirt with the devil on it!” Ask if the teenager himself is happy with his transformation - perhaps he is worried about unsuccessfully dyed hair. Find out the reason for the changes. Use a phrase like “I buy new things when I’m tired of everyday life, and you?” Please note that there may not be a reason or it may be too intimate for immediate publication,” says Georgy Golyshev.

When discussing appearance, be correct. If you strongly disagree with some changes, you will likely have a hard time keeping your opinions to yourself. In this case, take a break and try to agree with your child to talk at a time convenient for both of you.

The teenager began to become insolent and constantly argues with me and other adults. Acts as if he knows everything in the world. How to explain that he can also be wrong?

Don't focus on your grievances, even if your child's words or opinions hurt you. Perhaps something is bothering him, since he reacts sharply to people and the world.

“A response is an action that immediately follows a stimulus. If you change the stimulus, you can change the response. That is, you need to think about what words and actions of adults can provoke a child’s insolence. It is also important to ask questions to the teenager himself: “What do you think is happening to you?”, “How can I help you?”, “What can we do together to make you feel calmer?”,” explains Alexandra Fedorchenko.

To prevent your child from withdrawing and becoming afraid to express his opinion, treat him with respect. For example, you could say, “I think you're wrong. I'm telling you about this because I'm worried. But if you decide to do just that, I will try to support you and definitely won’t interfere with you. Mistakes are experiences that are often very valuable.”