What is libido and how does it affect a couple's relationship?

Why does sexual attraction in a couple where passions raged fade away over the years? What to do if your partner has no sexual desire? And if I don’t want sex myself, is that normal? You will find the answer to these and other questions about sexual desire and its signs below.

“System-vector psychology” is a comprehensive training about the human psyche and not only “about that,” but as far as understanding sexuality is concerned, this is the most accurate information today. In system-vector psychology, there are 4 types of sexuality and 4 types of eroticism. Depending on the presence of one or another “vector” in a person’s psyche, his physiological and psychological attractiveness acquires an amazing, unique mosaic; nevertheless, understanding and seeing the desires of another person is not particularly difficult. But first things first.

Human sexuality

In animal nature, everything is balanced: a male is attracted to a female solely for the purpose of reproduction. That is, procreation. Have you visited your favorite one? And that's enough, wait for posterity.

A person has an additional desire. On its basis is built sexuality, which animals do not have. A man's sexual desire is aimed at obtaining the highest pleasure - orgasm. And the birth of children may or may not be a consequence. Our attraction does not go away from contraceptive protection.

It is not difficult to notice that sexual attraction is selective: strong towards one person, none at all towards another. What does this depend on?

But the greatest psychological and psychopathological significance is sexual desire, or rather, a group of desires that arise around sexual life, including marriage and family, relationships between parents and children, since all this can be reduced to elementary tendencies that have the nature of desires. Sexual attraction is an important component of a person’s temperament, it actively participates in the construction of the entire personality and is a dynamic factor of the first degree, which can give the mental machine the necessary active forces, whether it be directly and consciously or in the most intricate combinations, disguises and metamorphoses, in any case case to a much greater extent than we can imagine.

If we limit ourselves to sexual desire in the narrowest sense, then it is not something simple and always uniform. There are many types and perversions of sexual desire, in which the sexual goal has the character of fun, is distorted, or, due to connection with other groups of affects, is peculiarly transformed in a false direction.

Masturbation, or self-gratification, as such, is not a perversion, but, except in extreme degrees, an innocent physiological transition and by-product of a healthy sexual desire, which, like the safety valve of the latter, comes into force primarily where sexual intercourse is opposed by one of many barriers of cultural society. Onanism acquires the meaning of sexual perversion only in those cases when it becomes an end in itself, that is, it acquires greater value in comparison with normal sexual intercourse and replaces it where it would be possible in itself. We are talking about so-called autistic people, primarily schizoid psychopaths (see Chapter 6), who are not only prone to self-satisfaction in the sexual area, but, in accordance with their temperament, do not experience a living need to communicate with other people and always are satisfied with themselves. Akin to this is the psychoanalytic concept of autoeroticism, or narcissism, which, however, focuses on the method of satisfying sexual needs, rather than taking into account the entire temperament. Therefore, the concept of autism (Bleuler) should be preferred. The meaning of narcissism should be limited to narcissism, especially coquetry, as an end in itself, in connection with one’s own appearance and its impact on others.

Masturbation is of great medical and psychological interest not as such, but because of the erotic and hygienic assessments that are associated with it. Earlier, noticeably ascetic-tinged cultural eras saw in the limitation of sexual desire not only a relative social necessity for regulating the cohabitation of people, but an absolute ethical ideal; sexual desire was for them (in the most extreme expressions of their thoughts) an evil, tolerated at most for the sake of preserving the family and the state, and its complete suppression in favor of exclusively spiritual and religious activity marked for them the highest level of personal perfection. This harsh attitude towards sexual desire, stemming from the original two-sided significance of the sexual desire and, perhaps, partly growing out of old ideas about taboos, is quite understandable as a transitional stage among young cultural peoples striving to achieve higher development. Sexuality in their religious teachings is synonymous with sin, the main sin around which everything that is forbidden is grouped. She is an example of “flesh” in relation to “spirit”, of everything that is not holy and not divine, of all atavistic impulses in comparison with the desire for higher cultural and moral development.

Ancient medical views on sexuality and especially on masturbation were strongly colored by this general moralistic understanding of the time. Sexual illness and sexual neurasthenia developed a peculiar complex in medical thinking, which was influenced by the popular moral mood that any ethically disapproved sexual manifestations entail, as a kind of divine judgment, the most terrible physical and mental disorders, tabes spinal cord, softening of the brain , consumption. Consequently, these sexual-hygienic views can be considered as a simple version of sexual-ethical ones.

The sprouts of these ethical and hygienic views are still firmly rooted in the views of the broad masses of the people and find support, on the one hand, in religious feeling, and on the other, in apocryphal educational literature that is widely circulated. On this basis, a huge number of neuroses and neuropsychoses arise. More highly differentiated individuals thus find themselves in the most acute conflict between their ethical ideal and their sexual needs. Constant defeat in this conflict causes mental stimulation in opposite directions, from which grow such sensitive forms of reaction as the idea of ​​​​relationships (Beziehungsideen) and obsessive impulses. With simpler natures, matters are often limited to severe hypochondriacal fears and impressions, the sexual origin of which we can read on their faces. Or sexual conflicts are repressed from consciousness and, through complex psychophysical processes, lead to distant hysterical mechanisms.

In short, many mental conflicts with neurotic or religious and artistic development arise where the sexual desire is not in full accordance with the personality, where it can neither receive its release naturally nor be restrained by the solid rational structure of the personality. This applies to sexual conflicts of the normal and perverted kind, within and outside of marriage. Sexual desire for a complete personality is a large reserve of energy, the psychic sources of which, in favorable cases, can be a good share of the overall spiritual productivity. But where it finds severe intrapsychic resistance or has no outlet paths, energetic supertensions arise, and ultimately false paths and myopic judgments, side branches of the flow, which in the future can lead to strange, confusing and paradoxical actions.

Following onanism, it is worth noting, first of all, unfavorable marital relationships, which result in neurotic mental conflicts and are not clearly unfavorable, but hidden, where mental dissonances are hidden under the guise of mutual correctness, even excessive tenderness. Starting from the simplest failures and deviations in sexual intercourse, from long-practiced abstinence, fear of conception and the appearance of children, to the most subtle and complex mental disharmonies affecting sexuality, a nervously susceptible person has an inexhaustible source of dynamic disorders of the mental apparatus. Added to this in extramarital intercourse are moral remorse, fear of becoming pregnant, fear of sexual illness; then the action of forced celibacy, the involuntary aging of the remaining unmarried girl, where the last quiet and unrequited love can lead to severe intrapsychic confusion. These are just a few of the most important points. During a conversation with a patient, a doctor must clearly imagine the scale of all these possibilities of conflict, because the patient for the most part does not come to talk about his sexual difficulties - he himself is not always clearly aware of them - he complains of dizziness, lower back pain, frustration intestines, weakness and thousands of other things; the mental complex that is the cause of all this must be determined by the doctor himself.

Sexual perversions also provide rich material for conflicts, whether they are clearly and one-sidedly expressed or, more often, only transformed in the form of a hint and changed due to external psychic influences and indirectly aimed at perverted goals. The perverted subject is threatened from the outside by punishment by the court, compromise in public opinion and most of all persecution by society, and from the inside by disagreement with himself, a futile moral struggle, the consciousness that he is not a real person, satiety with life and countless difficulties in marriage. Thanks to all this, he will have many reasons to visit the doctor.

The most important perversion is homosexuality, love between persons of the same sex. Many born homosexuals have an abnormal physique in the glandular area. A bisexual, not purely male and not purely female, body structure could, with the help of the endocrine action of hormones, most easily explain the fact that such individuals simultaneously discover a false sexual orientation in their psyche, and in the structure of their body opposite sexual traits (feminism, masculinism or eunuchoidism ).

From these endogenous homosexual intermediate formations firmly embedded in the very structure of the body, then all the transitional steps go to a predominantly psychogenic perversion that arose due to the influence of the environment, temptation, lack of sexual intercourse with persons of the other sex and, above all, due to hypochondriacal self-suggestion in such psychopaths who, during sexual intercourse They did not feel very confident when communicating with people of the other sex or were forced to give it up due to sexual impotence. Therefore, one cannot simply distinguish between endogenous and psychogenic perversions; there is even less reason to assert that all perversions are caused only endogenously or only psychogenically, but one must decide in each individual case to what extent this special homosexuality is firmly embedded in the very structure of the body and to what extent it is formed by mental influence in course of life. Perversions with psychogenic components can be overcome therapeutically with the help of hypnosis, persuasion and education.

The biological and psychological genesis of other perversions is more complex than with homosexuality. This is primarily pedophilia (sexual attraction of adults to children), sodomy (attraction to animals), exhibitionism (attraction to nudity without copulation), fetishism (use of dead objects, parts of a dress, hair, underwear, shoes as a substitute for achieving sexual arousal ). It goes without saying that it would be pointless to think that, for example, arousal at the sight of a ribbon in a braid could be inherent in the embryonic state of the glands and the chemical composition of the blood in such a specific way, as is partly the case with homosexuality. We must distinguish here two things: firstly, the constitutional factor, which consists in a nonspecific sexual predisposition that has not developed to a clear clarity of purpose, and secondly, a psychogenic external factor, which guides the uncertainly fluctuating sexual desire and finally fixes it on a specific, deviant from the right path, the sexual goal. The endogenous moment here, therefore, is often a nonspecific predisposing factor, while the exogenous moment is a specifically fixing factor.

Together with Kronfeld, we can see the biological basis of some of the perversions of this group in psychosexual infantilism, that is, in delayed, deformed development, leading to the fact that sexual desire continues to remain at the childhood stage of development. At the childhood stage of development, there is still no genuine sexual desire, but only a certain embryo of desire, some outlined, changing, polymorphic directions of feeling. Among them, the attraction to looking and showing, a certain childhood tendency to show the naked body, genitals and feces, or to examine them with curiosity in other children, is especially easily recognized; and then the manifestation in the form of a game of pre-sexual instincts, in which there is still no desire for copulation, but only for obtaining pleasure with the help of a variety of side effects (from which child masturbation later develops). Only during puberty in a normal person does a specific sexual desire for the other sex arise from this non-specific pre-sexual germ of desire, and some disparate impulses, having the nature of fun, are united together in one, directed towards the other sex and towards copulation with it.

If this close connection does not exist, then some adult perversions may arise due to such a delay in development; although the strength of attraction during the period of maturity increases, the nonspecifically polymorphic direction of attraction of the presexual childhood stage is partially preserved. That similar biologically endocrine developmental disorders also occur in this group of perversions is evident from the frequent deviations from the norm in the structure of the body and the general mental constitution (dysgenital and general hypoplastic signs in the structure of the body, general dementia, etc.).

Thus, we could understand exhibitionism as a remnant of the pre-sexual attraction to looking and showing, and fetishism could be related to a child’s inclination towards games of a playful nature, related to sexual substitution actions; and the autistic (narcissistic) form of masturbation in adults also allows comparison with sexually aimless self-gratification in children. But often some other external mental factor is needed, which gives sexual impulses without a specific direction a special additional goal.

Thus, with fetishism, the erotic inclination towards velvet, for example, remained for a long time due to the fact that the first strong stimulation of the awakening sexual desire was caused by accidentally sitting on a velvet pillow. One psychopath, as a five-year-old boy, experienced his first vivid awakening of pleasure when his mother dressed him in his little sister's lace nightgown because his own nightgown could not be found. This childhood experience later influenced his developing sexual desire, since from the time of puberty he was able to greatly arouse himself sexually by wearing women's dresses, while remaining impotent.

Similarly, we might imagine that the fixation of sexual desire in some special direction in some cases of pedophilia and sodomy may also have arisen (always presuming an immature biological sexual predisposition) through the retained effect of strong impressions of early sexual experiences (e.g. being present as a witness during the copulation of animals, examining the genitals of one's little companions), while the correct direction of normal sexual desire during puberty completely erases the traces of such experiences. Many other cases of these perverted manifestations arise, probably not so specifically, but more faute de mieux, in the manner of forced masturbation, as a replacement for the more desirable normal satisfaction of sexual need under the pressure of unfavorable environmental conditions or in the absence of higher delays, as in some congenital weak-minded people or later became weak-minded (Senium, Arteriosklerose, Paralyse).

In some people, active or passively endured cruelty is mixed in with the sexual desire as a secondary element; in exceptional cases, the place of sexual intercourse may be taken by the joy experienced from mistreatment, beatings, slavish humiliation, as directly generating sexual pleasure, which in the active case is designated as the pleasure of mistreatment of the object of love (sadism), in the passive case - as the pleasure of being subjected to bad treatment by a loved one (masochism). One can argue whether all of these are constituent elements of the sexual desire itself or, rather, the close connections of sexuality with other factors of temperament, by analogy with synaesthesia of sensations related to various senses. The emotional tendency towards energetic attack (masculine) and weak-willed patience (feminine) is mixed into normal sexual intercourse and is strongly phylogenetically fixed. This normal by-product of sexual desire does not yet contain any strong note of cruelty. But one can easily understand that with strongly expressed instincts of cruelty in temperament, this latter will easily enter into the described secondary component of sexual desire and, as with other perversions, through repression, fixation of a special experience, etc., on occasion, can act not only as an accompanying phenomenon, but also as a replacement for copulation.

Psychologically more important than holistic perversions are the enhanced perverted side components of a healthy normal drive, which are often not even recognized by the carrier himself and therefore can become for him a hidden source of strange internal entanglements and affective dissonances. We find this uncertainty of desire with an orientation in sexual relations that is not quite clear and not quite clearly aware of the goal, primarily in schizoid psychopaths. The direction of the sexual goal in this case often becomes ambiguous, at times it is disrupted and deviated due to homosexual, sodomistic, sadistic echoes, which can confuse the clear affective current more than massive perversions. Obsessive ideas are often based on similar perverted partial phenomena, such as, for example, the obsessive idea that you need to strangle someone or be strangled. Sometimes the starting point is repressed sadistic youthful fantasies.

Secrets of unconscious attraction

We are attracted to each other due to pheromones, the unconscious smells of our body. A natural couple develops when a man and a woman have opposite psychological properties - a strong attraction to each other arises.

For example, an ambitious, enterprising, dexterous man with a skin vector experiences a strong sexual attraction to a woman who has a completely different character. She is the owner of the anal vector - economical and sedate, loves home comfort and handicrafts, and is committed to the values ​​of marriage.

In women, attraction is of a more pragmatic nature. She unconsciously relies primarily on ranking pheromones - how wealthy and successful a man is in society. The one who has a higher rank or has the potential to have a higher rank is the sexiest for her. This is natural, because the woman is responsible for the offspring. Only secondarily do pheromones of attraction play a role for her.

A recipe for those looking for a long-term relationship

It is possible to bring back the faded passion, but this requires conscious efforts from the couple. There is no need to rely on fleeting animal attraction. We need to build relationships at a higher, human level.

First of all, it is an emotional, spiritual connection. It is easiest for a woman to set the right tone for its occurrence. By revealing her innermost thoughts and feelings to her partner, she encourages the man to be mutually frank. Deep trust and spiritual intimacy arises. Then it becomes not just an attraction “I want a woman”, the man experiences feelings: “I want exactly this woman - the one with whom I feel so good with all my soul.”

When sexual desire is revealed in a couple with a deep emotional connection, natural differences in character become not an obstacle in a long-term relationship, but cause additional mutual interest in each other.

Libido in Freud's theory

Libido is a central concept in psychoanalytic theory. With his help, Freud explained the emergence of neuroses and other mental disorders, as well as the course of development of a healthy person.

According to his concept, the psychosexual development of an individual is associated with the movement of libidinal energy throughout the body. In psychology, there are only 5 stages of such development:

1. Oral stage (from 0 to 1.5 years). At this stage, the baby gets satisfaction from sucking the mother's breast. The mouth becomes the first erogenous zone, the stimulation of which causes pleasure.
2. Anal stage (from 1.5 to 3 years). Associated with pleasure from the act of emptying the intestines and bladder.
3. Phallic stage (from 3 to 6 years). During this period, the formation of gender identification occurs. The child begins to show sexual interest in the parent of the opposite sex.
4. Latent stage (from 6 to 12 years). It is characterized by a decrease in sexual interest and a shift of attention to other areas of life: study, knowledge of the world, communication with peers.
5. Genital stage (after 12 years). Completion of psychosexual development and readiness to engage in sexual relations.

Any disturbances in the development of libido can lead to mental disorders. If for some reason a child cannot realize energy at a certain stage, regression to previous levels occurs.

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