Feelings of pity – is it necessary to feel sorry for yourself and others?

Greetings, readers of my blog. Here I will touch on a very important and familiar feeling to everyone - pity. Some consider this feeling to be beneficial and put it on a par with such concepts as mercy, compassion, and help.

Others consider pity to be a completely destructive trait that does not carry any benefit. Personally, I belong to the latter. Although, I admit that for a long time I believed that pity was good, it makes us more humane.

Why I completely changed my attitude towards this feeling and what its destructive power is, I will try to reveal to you as clearly as possible below.

Psychology of emotions

At the heart of any emotion is a need. Man, unlike animals, is endowed, in addition to the biological needs for food, warmth and movement, with social needs. In the course of development, emotions are differentiated and form diverse types of higher emotional processes: intellectual, aesthetic, socio-biological, which constitute a mixed emotional state and mental content of human life. Higher needs are autonomous; they are determined not by instincts, but by social demands.

According to A. Maslow's theory, human needs and requirements have their own strict hierarchy. Initially, we need to satisfy physiological needs, then on the list: safety needs; in belonging and love; in recognition; in self-actualization; in knowledge and understanding, and, finally, in satisfying aesthetic needs. Failure to satisfy any of these needs causes different emotions, one of which is self-pity.

Turning directly to human experience, we can distinguish two forms of feelings: pleasure or displeasure. In other words, excitement and calm, tension and resolution, joy and grief. The highest degree of calm is depression. To protect a person from unnecessary shocks and depression, consciousness comes up with various mechanisms to protect the body.

Mechanisms for protecting consciousness from depression and shock

Human emotions are long-term states caused either by the situation or by anticipation of the situation (ideational). Often the event has not yet occurred, but people already have an idea of ​​the outcome and begin to worry. A person’s emotional experience is much broader than his own experiences, since it is based on the cultural experience of ancestors and is transmitted through empathy with other people and works of art.

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Finally

I'll say something seditious. You can get rid of depression FOREVER if:

• learn to ask questions to find out the true reason for today’s disgusting mood;
• learn to see the positive side in any phenomenon. Absolutely in any;
• take action IMMEDIATELY. A desire, an idea, an incentive to move appeared. - forward! Don't delay for a minute! You can pull yourself out of the swamp. Even if you have only one option left - to pull yourself by the hair.

Ekaterina Manukovskaya

Is self-pity a bad feeling?

A feeling of pity is an emotional reaction to an event. It's not a bad feeling per se. Self-pity is a reflection either on the fear of death or on a sense of self-importance. Therefore, it is partly attributed to biological needs. If I feel sorry for myself, I will protect myself from the fear of not meeting my vital needs. However, having a biological nature of origin, the feeling of pity has been transformed in society into something more than the instinct of self-preservation. An animal, fleeing from a predator in an attempt to save its life, will not drive itself to death. The fear of death in this case may not save, but kill him, so the animal falls to the ground and takes a break to recuperate, without any feeling of pity. But the source of psychic experience originates precisely from here - a tired animal stops reacting to danger and plunges into a different state. Protection mechanisms are activated.

In the social world, Homo sapiens collectivized the feeling of pity and filled it with new content. This is explained by the ability of people to predict and draw conclusions. In society, conflicts, threats, competition, encroachments and coercion never end, the solution of which is akin to the struggle for survival. Man has also learned that sooner or later the day will come when no method will help in this struggle. Therefore, the cunning brain came up with such a method of defense as pity. There will always be someone to whom pity is directed and someone who feels pity.

The subconscious does not know any self-pity

, but in society it has become customary to play roles, wear masks and proudly carry the “image of oneself”, hence the splitting of the psychological subject.
In one person's mind there is an imaginary observer and an imaginary observed. One feels sorry for the other, but in fact, the subject feels sorry for himself.
In fact, there is nothing shameful or humiliating about self-pity. This is a normal part of a full-fledged biological and collective personality; it is necessary for the individual as a warning of impending troubles. Self-pity as a defense mechanism for the loss of a sense of self-importance works similarly. This is a signal of dissatisfaction in the need for recognition, belonging and love. The human unconscious, just like that of an animal, recognizes “danger,” and an attack on a person requires protection and confirms the same behavior: attack-defense, good-bad, pleasure-displeasure. For some people, self-pity becomes a way of life, a way to gain a foothold in the social world and attract attention.

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Compassion that heals

Compassion, first of all, should be directed to those who really need it - the disabled, lonely elderly people, children left without parents. There are always social strata in society that objectively need active compassion. It is here that a person with a visual vector can truly realize his need to express feelings in the most creative way. And this is its highest realization.

And in ordinary life there is always a reason to feel needed. Support someone who finds themselves in a difficult situation, sympathize with them, and say a kind word. Cry with a person who has experienced grief. Become his support for a while, until the mental pain ceases to be so acute. Just be there so that the person doesn’t feel lonely. These are the simple actions for which this most emotional person is intended and from which he receives real satisfaction. In such emotional movements, he comprehends life, feels that he does not live in vain.

Actively compassionate, a person never expects gratitude or reciprocal feelings. He receives satisfaction from the very process of manifestation of his emotional impulses. Therefore, he never feels used or exhausted.

Compassion must be learned. The easiest way to develop this skill is in childhood by reading literature that evokes emotions of compassion to visual children. At the same time, it is important to draw children’s attention to those situations in which you can sympathize with someone and empathize.

And then you can gradually move on to teaching your child to have compassion for the people around him. For example, take care of a sick grandmother, support a friend in a difficult situation. The tears of compassion for one's neighbor that the viewer sheds have a positive effect on him, causing relief and peace. At the same time, the skill of bringing one’s emotions out is formed: a visual child learns not to be afraid for himself, but to empathize with others.

Dramatic films often bring tears to the audience's eyes. It's good if it's a film that raises serious moral issues and requires mental effort to watch. With this example we can understand what empathy is. However, one can truly have compassion only for living people, experiencing vivid emotions of empathy in the vicissitudes of real life.

Pity for others

Almost all of us were taught from childhood that feeling sorry for ourselves is bad and shameful, but feeling sorry for others is good, this is a manifestation of altruism. Therefore, consciousness blocked the process of self-pity, transforming it into a feeling of pity for others. People are often hypocritical towards society, so the same feeling has a completely opposite appearance. Adapting to the laws of the pack, individuals learned to exploit the feeling of self-pity and express it through defense mechanisms such as reactive formations or rationalization. A person can behave in a diametrically opposite way, be merciless towards his neighbor and even cruel, carefully masking his self-pity, only because he once learned a lesson from his parents: “you can’t feel sorry for yourself,” and the soul demands pity. Ruthlessness arises from a lack of attention and love in early childhood. By causing moral harm to a neighbor and then feeling sorry for him, a person plays out the failed scenario of showing pity in his “adult-child” relationship.

Rationalization

it works like this: a person finds an acceptable explanation for his unreasonable actions, which are not commendable and have a different motivation. For example, “I’m doing this for your good,” meaning: “I’m doing this to you so that no one does this to me, I don’t even mind if you get hurt.” Such a defense mechanism is just a way to accept pressure from the “super-ego”; it hinders the development of personality, since it does not allow the rationalizer to work with true, albeit not entirely decent, motives. If in the animal world the extreme method of survival is used only in the face of obvious danger, in the human world it has become a background feeling. The collective personality creates an aggressive world, first around and then within itself. The mind, called upon to help man, is looking for clever ways to protect against an artificially created threat. Any encroachment on territory, non-confirmation of status or hierarchy, substitution of values, inconsistency of opinions and beliefs will certainly lead to an attack of pity to satisfy higher needs.

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The Other Side of Pity

One of the types of pity is compassion

. Out of compassion, people do good deeds with absolute sincerity. But it cannot be otherwise, because self-pity is also a sincere feeling. Pity in the form of pity has in its content co-love, sympathy, penetration into the deepest spheres of the soul of another. This is the response of one soul to the pain of another, in the hope that your soul will find peace. Self-pity and pity for others alternate in a strange way in the lives of the masses of people, but the source of energy is the same - a sense of self-preservation and the instinct of procreation.

Self-pity can be camouflaged by callousness and indifference.

“No one cares about me, so I feel sorry for myself, maybe someday you will feel sorry for me, but for now, don’t interfere with being in a state of callous egoist.” Pity for others can cleverly cover up pride: “I feel sorry for you, you won’t be able to cope on your own.” Man is designed in such a way that by calming his neighbor, he feeds an imaginary sense of self-esteem. Pity-arrogance makes the object weak, dependent, and guilty. The “benefactor,” driven by the desire to assert himself at the expense of others, becomes strong: “I’m sorry—it means I care about you, I’m great.” The company operates through the First TSUPIS and gives bettors the opportunity to place legal bets on sports. The official website is made of very high quality; it has a sports section with results and statistics. Let's look at all these features in more detail. how to register in bookmaker league betting from the official website in desktop or mobile version.

From a biological point of view, pity is a manifestation of self-care; from a social point of view, it is an indulgence of one’s ego.

Fear of change certainly causes self-pity, but the root of this fear is infantilism and irresponsibility. This is how a type of suffering person is born, who is inclined to blame others for his failures. Laziness, spinelessness, lack of will, impatience are just a shell of self-pity. In fact, it turns out that people drive themselves into a vicious circle, play the role of victims, and exclude the feeling of love. The extreme manifestation of self-pity is hatred: “you see what you’ve brought me to, and what I’m going to do because of you.”

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Is it over?

In principle, a ringing voice when talking to you is a good sign. This criterion was expressed by my friend, who periodically treats me quite harshly, but effectively: “And why the hell are you telling me all this?” When a deep melancholy comes over me, I call and in a soul-tearing voice (probably only my soul :))))), I begin to talk nonsense about two small children, pennies, circumstances. There are so many reasons for pity! And I get a sobering response: “Why do you think I should listen to you?” :)))

Another good criterion can be the flow of ideas and suggestions (necessarily constructive) that will pour out of you. So, you said goodbye to pity.

You can't feel sorry for men

One of the most common types of pity is pity for a man. We are talking not only about women's pity, but also about mother's pity. A man's life, by definition, should be difficult, with a series of failures and obstacles that stimulate him to develop and make him a real man. His self-esteem grows due to his own victories and achievements, and falls due to pity. In a male team you rarely find a feeling of pity and compassion for each other; rather, rigid, little emotional relationships reign there, which serve as the basis for the germination of male power. Any professional is ruthless.

In the circle of women, on the contrary, there are often feelings of compassion, pity, and protection of men from the difficulties they imagine. Mothers often senselessly feel sorry for their already adult sons, who strive to quickly escape from their mother’s care. If a woman, not realizing her mistake, continues to feel sorry for her husband or son, an imperceptible mechanism of personal self-destruction is triggered. Therefore, instead of saying: “You’re tired, honey, lie down, rest, don’t do it, I’ll do it myself,” you need to encourage and instill confidence: “You’ll succeed, don’t feel sorry for yourself, all you have to do is push yourself a little.” The consequences of endless pity for a man (which, in all likelihood, is hidden self-pity or another way of protecting the ego) can be so overwhelming that a woman subsequently will not be able to understand the source of its origin. A man’s will is gradually destroyed, self-esteem falls, uncertainty grows, family relationships deteriorate, an overwhelming feeling of laziness can lead to job loss, and irresponsibility can lead to a sadder outcome in the form of alcohol and drug addiction. Pity humiliates and destroys a man's personality.

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Should I get rid of the feeling of pity?

The feeling of pity has many faces, so you need to treat it consciously, differentiating when and who you should feel sorry for. It is impossible to get rid of it because it is of biological origin. But it is quite possible to replace it with such a feeling as love, which, as we know, is not always merciful and does not tolerate attachments. Instead of showing pity, you can help solve the problem constructively. The willingness to selflessly help one's neighbor is associated with the “adult-adult” positions, while pride, anger, and hatred disguised as pity correspond to the “child-child” relationship. True feelings of pity-understanding, pity-acceptance evoke in a person love for himself and for the world and allow him, like a hunted animal, to stop in time to understand the true motives of selfish aspirations.

Author Yulia Savelyeva

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Negative sides

It is a pity that most people are firmly convinced of the righteousness of such a feeling as pity. They believe that pity is the best way to express their affection and desire to help someone in need. I don’t argue that it is necessary to show emotions with loved ones, but there must be a certain reason for this. That is, you cannot fall into despair at every possible moment. What are the negative aspects of pity that define this feeling as negative? We will now clearly see this.

Formation of lack of independence

Throughout his life, a person develops many complexes that oppress him, forcing him to become convinced of his worthlessness and weakness. In this state, all he can do is jump under someone else's orders. If such behavior becomes a habit, then it becomes increasingly difficult for a person to socialize with other people. Our physical health is directly related to our mental health. When an oppressed person is faced with the smallest problem, which in his opinion seems insoluble, then his body suffers, and not just his mind. A person accustomed to his helplessness, who throughout his entire life expects constant support and support from people, cannot develop into a strong individual and take a worthy place in society.

Involuntary humiliation

Excessive pity, shown anywhere, will obviously place the person being pitied in an uncomfortable position. While we, without evil intentions, involuntarily express doubts about a person and his independence, the person begins to lose his sense of faith in himself and is humiliated. But there are many situations in which the above outcome is not possible. Like, for example, a situation where sensible advice can bring a person out of a depressed state. But it is not always correct to insist that the position we propose is correct and impeccable. Communication is beneficial only when it is equal.