Shame is fundamentally the fear of rejection—the exact opposite of having control over your life and self-esteem. Shame is an unbearably painful experience when you begin to believe that you are imperfect and therefore do not deserve either love or the company of worthy people. American psychologist Brené Brown gives this definition of shame in her study. But, she continues, recognizing our own imperfections and vulnerabilities makes us stronger. Therefore, it is worth studying this issue as best as possible.
Here are three facts to get you started with shame.
- Everyone feels ashamed. Shame is one of the most universal and primitive emotions that humans experience. People who are not ashamed most likely lack empathy and are incapable of intimacy.
- We are all afraid to talk about shame.
- The less we talk about shame, the more it controls our lives.
Shame prevents us from believing in our own worth and convinces us that people will stop treating us well if they find out the truth about us. Shame is fear. We're afraid that people won't like us when they see us for who we are, when they find out what we believe in, how hard things are for us sometimes, or, believe it or not, how beautiful we are when we're at our best. Sometimes admitting to yourself your own strengths is just as difficult as admitting your own weaknesses.
People often think that only those who have had something terrible happen to them feel shame, but this is not true. We all know this feeling. It may seem to us that the feeling of shame hides in the secret recesses of our soul, but in fact it overtakes us everywhere: our figure and appearance, family, children, work and well-being, health, bad habits, sex, aging, religion.
To be ashamed is to be human
We all have a hard time admitting our own shortcomings, and the more effort we put into trying to look perfect, the worse it is to face the truth.
That’s why shame loves perfectionists so much—it’s easy to silence them. In addition to the fear of disappointing or alienating people, we are also afraid of breaking under the weight of a single unpleasant experience or mistake.
For example, here is a story about a woman who plucked up the courage to admit to a neighbor that she was on the road to recovery from alcohol addiction, and he replied to her: “I don’t think I can allow my children to visit you now.” Then this brave woman overcame her fear and said: “You have allowed your children to play with mine for the last two years. I haven't drunk for 12 years. I am exactly the same as I was ten minutes ago, nothing has changed in me. Why have you changed?
So we are all ashamed. But we can all develop resistance to shame. I'm talking about the ability to recognize shame, deal with it constructively without losing self-confidence, and as a result become braver, more compassionate, and build better relationships with others.
In order for the feeling of shame to get out of your control, it needs only three conditions:
- secrecy,
- silence
- condemnation.
If something shameful happens to you and you keep it secret, the feeling of shame consumes you. It is necessary to share your experiences.
Shame originates from relationships between people, and through them it must be eliminated.
If there is a person nearby who has earned the right to your trust, share your experiences with him. When shame is talked about, it loses its power over us.
When shame turns into narcissism
Shame has an interesting feature that is not inherent in any other emotion. Emotions usually melt over time. But somehow the shame remains. For years. Decades. For life. It doesn’t just remain, it seems to fester. Like a deadly mushroom, it absorbs more and more space and poisons it.
This is because shame is not just an emotion. It depends partly on our self-definition, how we see ourselves. If we consider ourselves terrible and unworthy people, shame will haunt us endlessly.
Another aspect of self-determination: over time, we begin to increasingly convince ourselves that our shame is somehow unique. After all, we spend years feeling lousy compared to others. Therefore, the Universe chose us to bear this cross as the chosen ones.
Perceiving yourself as a unique loser, an inferior person is a heavy psychological burden. It binds us with incessant feelings of anxiety and guilt. As a result, our minds desperately search for ways to cope. And usually he finds one of two things, starting to believe in:
- “I’m a piece of shit and the world would be better off without me” or:
- “The whole world is a piece of shit because it does this to me, it will answer me for everything.”
Narcissism occurs when we believe that, to one degree or another, we are entitled to special treatment because we are seriously different from everyone around us. Narcissism can be based not only on an irrational belief in superiority, but also on an irrational feeling of inferiority.
Once shame turns into narcissism, it becomes more difficult to repress it because the narcissist convinces himself that it is not, in fact, shame, but something that makes him special, deserving of attention and affection in the first place.
As a result: church ministers, being homosexuals, encourage the persecution of homosexuals; victims of sexual harassment become sexually obsessed; victims of violence believe in the justice of harshness. Duplicity and all the seemingly paradoxical beliefs of a person that we so often observe, if we “rewind” them, one way or another begin with a feeling of shame.
Immunity to shame
After spending years researching the topic of shame, I discovered that all people with a strong immunity to shame have the following in common:
- They understand what shame is and know what exactly can cause this feeling in them.
- They check to what extent the requirements for them are feasible and whether they convince us that to be imperfect means not to live up to the expectations of our society.
- They open their hearts to people they trust and tell them everything.
- They say the word shame out loud, they talk about how they feel, and they ask for what they need.
As I think about the people who argued that authenticity has the transformative power, I realize that they all develop resistance to shame.
Overcoming loneliness
Everyone feels shame! It is important to find outside support and share your shame. It's difficult, but try to see the eyes of another
Are your fears or fantasies about the opinions of others accurate? Turn to a person who will not judge, but will listen, even when you come to complain about it for the hundredth time.
Find your circle of people who will allow you to experience a sense of belonging to a group, which will allow you to experience loyalty and acceptance of this group without fear of rejection. It’s good when a family becomes such a group, but interest clubs, a group of friends, support groups (including online), and therapeutic groups can be suitable.
Try to stop proving something over and over again to those who are not going to recognize you. It is interesting that most often these are not close friends, not loving and unconditionally accepting relatives, but people who are unable to accept. It could be a traumatic experience with a demanding parent or a social circle that rejected you.
Shame and guilt
What is the difference between shame and guilt? Most agree that the difference between shame and guilt is the same as the difference between the statements “I am bad” and “I did wrong.”
Guilt = I did something wrong - we feel guilty about our actions.
Shame = I'm bad - we feel shame for being who we are.
We feel guilty when we have done something that does not fit our expectations of how we want to be. This feeling causes us a state of discomfort, but at the same time it helps us. When we apologize for our actions, try to correct the situation or change our behavior, guilt is a kind of motivation.
Guilt is just as strong a feeling as shame, but it is constructive, whereas shame is destructive.
When people ask for forgiveness, try to make amends, or change for the better, they are driven by guilt, not shame.
In fact, I have found that shame destroys the part of us that believes we can change for the better.
Signs of shame
This feeling is characterized by the following symptoms:
Confusion
Embarrassment
Anxiety
Protection
Conversely, a person who lacks a sense of shame is not able to experience the natural inclination to feel the embarrassment that arises when committing an immoral act.
An example of the lack of this feeling is the trend of independent nudists who promote freedom and comfort without clothes.
Shame emerged as an independent concept in the 1920s, but nowadays it has become an important social factor compared to other human emotions. This is an emotion that affects a person and depends on the degree of his experience. For example, if an emotion is not strongly expressed, it can protect a person from unwanted consequences after certain actions, while a strongly expressed emotion can lead to rash decisions.
An example of mild shame. A man offended a close friend with an action or a harsh word, after which he felt ashamed, he apologized and promised not to act like that in the future. If the repentance was sincere, there is a high probability that the person will fulfill his promise.
It is much more difficult to cope with strongly expressed emotions. The consequences range from active self-blame to emotional and mental exhaustion.
An example of pronounced shame. A person cannot forgive himself for something and hurts himself because his life has lost meaning.
Strongly expressed negative emotions only have negative consequences, so it is recommended to avoid them. A person who experiences a lot of shame and guilt may develop an inferiority complex. They often cannot understand why they are different, why they are not accepted for who they are. Often the person engages in self-harm, blames himself for perceived shortcomings, hates his inability to change, and experiences aggression towards others.
A person's feelings of guilt and shame depend on his moral values and beliefs about what is “bad” and what is “good.” Between these categories of “bad” and “good,” human behavior swings like a pendulum. When behavior moves from the “good” category to the “bad” category, a person experiences shame. At the same time, these categories are an integral part of the human personality, and their change depends on the society in which a person lives and the demands that it makes on its members.
What can cause a person to feel shame?
- This feeling often develops in childhood and is created by loved ones in the form of false statements about their own inferiority. In adulthood, it transforms into shame, which limits a person’s actions and prevents him from living.
- The child’s psyche is very sensitive, therefore false accusations imposed through remarks, reproaches, ridicule, accusations do not go unnoticed by his personality.
- Feelings of inferiority arise as a result of adults' misconceptions about themselves, and it can be almost impossible to get rid of it.
- Shame is also a source of self-doubt that prevents a person from striving for success in life.
- At the decisive moment, when you need to make an important and significant decision, shame whispers in a person’s ear: “You will not succeed,” “you are a failure,” “you will not achieve anything.” And guided by this feeling in life, a person does not take any action to achieve success.
- Shame makes a person feel unwanted and sometimes out of place in this world, which leads to feelings of inferiority.
The experience of shame and guilt causes a person to constantly apologize to others and constantly feel insecure.
Every person has a “Self-concept,” which is a system of ideas about oneself and one’s place in society. Shame works through this system.
When a person's behavior is criticized or reproached by others, his self-concept changes, which implies a difference in the person's opinion of himself and other people's opinion of him. At this moment, a person begins to be overcome by a feeling of shame. Thoughts such as: “Why don’t they love me so much”, “Am I really bad”, “How can I be like this, because I’m good” come into his head.
A personality trait, or character, is a pre-thought-out program of behavior that is put into action in any situation. If a person does not act in accordance with the program, he is overwhelmed with a feeling of shame.
There is a direct correlation with personality traits: the more positive character traits a person has, the more likely he is to experience shame. If someone is brave but suddenly shows cowardice, he will be ashamed. The same is true for other personality traits.
The signs of shame are the same for all people.
Doesn't shame keep us within necessary social boundaries?
Like many other researchers, I have come to the conclusion that shame is more likely to lead you to destructive, dangerous behavior than to solve the problem. I repeat once again - it is in our nature to want to feel worthy of love. When we experience shame, we feel isolated from the rest of the world and unworthy of love. We criticize ourselves or blame others when we are overwhelmed by feelings of shame or fear of shame. In fact, shame is directly related to violence, aggression, depression, bad habits and gluttony.
Children who tend to shame themselves (“I’m bad”) are more likely to hate and criticize themselves than those children who feel guilty (“I did bad”). If you manipulate your child by making him feel shame, he will stop believing that he is worthy of love.
Why do you feel unworthy?
By being ashamed, we feel wrong, worse than other people and unworthy of their company. Why is that? It turns out that shame is a social emotion.
Social emotions are closely related to the feelings and actions of other people - their approval or condemnation. In addition to shame, these include guilt, jealousy, envy, pride, and sympathy.
With basic emotions like joy or anger, only awareness of one's own self matters. Social emotions are associated with the fact that we strive to recognize ourselves as part of a group or an entire society and understand that there are other “selves” who may experience different feelings towards us.
Therefore, many researchers emphasize that the view of the Other plays an important role in the formation of shame—the ability to look at yourself from the outside, to find out what other people think about you.
“Shame in its primary structure is shame in front of someone. I just made an awkward or vulgar gesture, this gesture stuck to me, I don’t judge it, I don’t blame it, I just experience it, I realize it in the form of a for-itself. But suddenly I raise my head: someone was here and saw me. I immediately realize the vulgarity of my gesture, and I am ashamed...
So, the other is the inevitable intermediary connecting me with myself; I am ashamed of how I appear to others.”
Jean-Paul Sartre "Being and Nothingness"
And although here Sartre is talking about a real view from the outside (someone really saw my vulgar gesture), it is enough for us to imagine what would happen if someone saw it.
We most often get our very first experience of shame in early childhood, when parents or other significant adults pointed out to us from the outside that something is shameful. As we get older, we need less and less the actual presence of other people to experience shame. We form in our imagination an image of the Other who will evaluate all our actions. Often this assessment occurs automatically and unconsciously.
The audience, real or imagined, is an important component of shame.
The assessment of other people determines whether we feel that we are doing something unworthy and bad. Having experienced shame, we want to hide from this particular audience, because they saw our failure.
By exploring shame, we conquer it!
No matter how much you know about shame, you still can’t escape it (believe me, I’ve experienced this myself). You can fall under its power without even knowing it. However, with experience you will also become immune to shame. The story I'm going to tell you illustrates not only the insidious nature of shame, but also emphasizes the need to discuss this feeling.
For several months in 2009, my website was displayed on the main page of the development company as an example of its portfolio. I once received an email from a woman who liked my website design. I was very grateful to her and proud of my creation until I read the letter to the end.
...I really like your blog. It is easy to read and creatively designed. Except for the photo of you and your friend posing in the theater... by golly! I would never post a bad photo on my blog, but it must be the photographer in me talking...
I couldn't believe it. In the photo she was talking about, my close friend Laura and I were sitting in a dark movie theater waiting for Sex and the City to start. It had just been released and we were all excited, so I took out my camera and took a picture.
The comment on the photo made me angry, shocked and confused, but I continued to read the letter. The letter writer asked a lot of questions about the blog design and then said goodbye, mentioning that she planned to share my research with clients. Spit. I was too annoyed.
I paced back and forth in the kitchen, and then returned to the table and scribbled an answer.
Draft No. 1: “By God! I would never criticize someone’s photo, but I know more about shame than you do.”
Draft #2: “I looked at the photos on your website. If you're worried about my photos, then you definitely need to worry about yours."
Draft No. 3: “If you're going to trample someone into the dirt with your letter, at least bother to check the spelling.” “Posing” is spelled with an “O.”
Low. Evil. I did not care. But I didn't send the letter. Something stopped me. I put on my sneakers and went for a run. I needed to get out into the fresh air and release the negative energy that was coursing through my veins.
After running a kilometer and a half, I called my friend Laura, the one who was next to me in the ill-fated photo. I told her about the letter, and she indignantly asked: “Are you serious?”
"Yes. I am not kidding". I read my killer messages to her and she said, “Brené, this is very brave. I couldn't do that. I would just burst into tears."
Laura and I always discuss the most unpleasant things. We analyze what is happening and say to each other: “Hmm, wait a minute. Let me think,” or “Could this be?” or “No, no. Wait, I think I’m about to understand!”
Then I said: “Laura, please be quiet. I need to think about your words."
Finally I said, “So would you cry?”
Laura reluctantly replied: “Yes. And what?"
“Well,” I hesitated, “for me to cry is a real feat.”
Laura couldn’t help but be surprised: “What do you mean?”
I explained to her as best I could. “My default reaction is to act mean and mean. It doesn't take any courage to retaliate. In a matter of seconds, I can use my powers for evil. But admitting that my feelings are hurt is another matter. I think what is your first reaction is true courage for me.”
We talked a little about this and found out that for Laura, courage is to admit the pain and not try to run away from it, and for me, it is to admit the pain and not try to hurt me in return.
We both agreed that anger has nothing to do with courage. Revenge is the easiest thing to do, especially in the modern world.
Then Laura asked me: “Well, okay, we decided: we need to admit that you are hurt. But what's the bravest thing you can do with this letter?
I held back my tears. “Be upset. Cry. Tell you everything. Forget. Delete the letter. Don't even answer."
Laura was silent for a minute, and then blurted out: “Oh God! That's shame resistance, right? You're trying to be brave."
I was confused, as if I had never heard this term before. "What? What do you mean?"
Laura repeated patiently: “Immunity to shame. 4 Steps to Becoming Immunized: Acknowledge the Reality of Shame. Tell about him. Become the owner of what happens to you. Share this with others. Just like in your book."
We both laughed. I thought: “Damn! But it works.”
A week later, I was giving a speech to a group of 70 students. One of the students asked for an example. I decided to share the story about the photo. This is a great example of how you can experience shame unconsciously and how important it is to recognize it and talk about it with a loved one.
First, I told the students about my blog and my passion for photography. I said how scared I was to post the photos and how ashamed and humiliated I felt when I received a letter of criticism from this woman.
One student raised his hand and said, “Can I ask a personal question?” Considering that I was just sharing a very personal story with them, I thought that nothing bad could happen. I was wrong.
He said bravely, “You said you were upset about the photo. Are you sure it wasn't a vulnerability? Was it embarrassing because a bad photo was criticized, or because you allowed yourself to open up and be weak and ended up getting hurt? Isn’t the point that you exposed yourself to the world and they hit you?”
My mouth is dry. Sweat appeared at my temples. Incredible! Here's what really happened. Until this moment I didn’t realize this, but it’s true.
I took a stupid picture in the cinema - I don't usually do things like that, but I was with a good friend, we were fooling around and acting like girls.
I posted the photo on my blog because I wanted to have fun. Then the photo was criticized.
A couple of students looked at their brave classmate as if to say, “Well done. You hurt her." But he didn't hurt me. Didn't bring it to light. Didn't expose it. I felt free.
These were the experiences of a rather serious woman who allowed herself to relax, do something stupid, be imperfect, and she was hit where it hurt most. Resistance is not acquired immediately. What did this experience mean to me?
We not only need to control our emotions and love ourselves, but also understand what really happened. If we want to gain a sense of self-worth, we must learn to protect ourselves from shame.
What does shame look like?
When it comes time to answer how we protect ourselves from shame, I think with great respect of the research of psychologist Linda Hartling.
According to her, in order to cope with shame:
- Some of us step aside, hide, hush up what happened and keep it a secret.
- Others, on the contrary, try to please everyone.
- And finally, the rest seek to subjugate others, behave aggressively and use shaming of opponents to combat shame (for example, sending them angry letters).
Most of us use all three strategies—with different people, on different occasions, and for different reasons.
Test yourself:
- What do you become when shame pushes you into a corner?
- How do you defend yourself?
- Who do you call to help you deal with your desire to take revenge/cry and hide/please everyone?
- What is your bravest action in a situation where you feel hurt and defenseless?
How to get rid of shame?
Despite the positive functions of shame, subjectively this feeling is experienced as discomfort, since it is felt by us as awkwardness, blocks our behavior, and we become hypersensitive to the assessments of others. In addition, shame is very often accompanied by guilt, and many people confuse these two feelings. There are very clear differences between shame and guilt , knowing which you can control your behavior.
All these factors together push us to avoid this feeling, get rid of it, not experience it. In a strict sense, it is impossible to get rid of feelings, otherwise people would choose only “good” feelings for themselves, and get rid of “bad” ones. Feelings are our biological mechanism, these are our reactions that we cannot control. to control feelings , to control them directly. Feelings can only be influenced indirectly, through actions and thoughts. You can overcome shame only by thinking about it, i.e. perform some mental actions to recognize and understand this feeling.
Overcoming shame includes 3 stages
Remember: our revelations are not for everyone
Having our revelations heard is a privilege, and before we share our deepest secrets with anyone, we should always ask ourselves, “Who has earned the right to hear my story?”
- We are incredibly lucky to have one or two people in our lives who can sit down with us and listen to our most shameful stories and love us with our strengths and weaknesses.
- We are incredibly lucky to have a friend who accepts our imperfections, weaknesses, strengths and makes us feel like we are not alone.
- We don't need to receive love, a sense of belonging and attention from everyone, but we do need at least one close person.
Whether we have one or a small circle of trusted people, the best way to express our gratitude to these people is to recognize that you are worthy. If we want to build such relationships, we need to start with ourselves.
Why is pathological shyness dangerous?
Shame is a contagious feeling. It is especially dangerous for children because it is a hidden experience, especially among victims of violence and abuse. The expectation of being shamed by peers makes the child anxious and vulnerable, and he is often the target of bullying.
Shame can be experienced as an intense negative emotion of self-hatred. In an effort to repress this feeling, a person will act like a bully and encourage those around him to engage in similar illegal behavior. In fact, he wants to minimize his painful experiences by causing embarrassment and shame in others. Children who are regularly bullied and teased can easily understand what makes other kids feel ashamed. They are very skilled at inducing feelings of shame among their peers. And this makes shame a contagious feeling.
Children are also susceptible to taking on feelings of shame for another person when they are associated with someone who behaves shamefully and unworthily. When children are mentally abandoned by their parents, exposed to physical abuse, or feel neglected by their relatives, they often take on the shame that belongs to the adult who caused the pain, because they believe that they themselves are “bad.” Some children behave this way, considering themselves to blame for the embarrassment that really belongs to their parents.
On the other hand, parents may also feel intense shame about their children's behavior. Since many adults dream of the ideal child who will make Herculean efforts to gain honor from society, a child or teenager who cannot achieve the standard desired by his parents, or whose behavior causes embarrassment, will form a shame reaction in them. Some parents deny any personal blame for their children's bad behavior in an attempt to renounce social shame. Other adults, on the contrary, take on too much responsibility and feel shame for any misdeeds of the child.
Any situation that devalues the individual and causes remorse can also foster anger or even rage. This includes circumstances that provoke envy, require comparison of oneself with others, cause fear of being ostracized from society, or evoke fantasies of a rival's misfortune. The anger experienced by a subject who is ashamed is like a poison that destroys positive conscious thoughts. But even if a person who is consumed by shame manages to transfer shame to another, he will still experience the overwhelming effects of intoxication. Shame, when taken on by a work partner, loved one, close friend or stranger, can make the bearer physically and emotionally sick.
