In theory, we all know that difficulties strengthen, and any negative experience can become positive. But simply repeating this banal truth somehow doesn’t really help you get through a difficult breakup, come to terms with being fired, or ignore the fact that you were insulted by a random passerby.
The advantage is that the nervous system is flexible, and you can train it to cope with stress more easily. Heroine has compiled several ways to become emotionally resilient.
Stop avoiding everything unfamiliar
People subconsciously strive to do what is already familiar: you know for sure that you can handle it, and this increases self-esteem. Fear of failure prevents you from leaving your comfort zone.
The problem is that when you selectively participate in only specific activities, you limit yourself. By saying: “I can’t skate/draw/sing/speak in public” and similar phrases, you constantly remind yourself that you can’t do something and fuel insecurity.
New experiences teach us to overcome embarrassment, fear of failure, and ultimately make us more resistant to stress.
Identify where you are being cruel to yourself
A good way to bring self-harm to a conscious level is to keep a list of your thoughts, feelings and activities that bring you down.
Analyze whether each of these reactions is fair? Would you do the same to someone you love? Can you replace this reaction with another?
“I'm not a pessimist. I’m a cold, tired, hungry optimist.”
To make friends with yourself, you need to listen to your inner world. Including its negative manifestations.
Experience difficult emotions
Learning to take your mind off a negative situation helps reduce stress in the moment. But to become more resilient to difficult emotions in the long term, try to experience your feelings rather than push them away. Simply put, learn to suffer without calming yourself down or switching to something else. This way you will prove to yourself that you are capable of experiencing painful emotions and managing them. Of course, it is not necessary to dwell in detail on every unpleasant feeling. But when you constantly push away and suppress emotions, it does not make your nervous system stronger.
Suppressed emotions: why they interfere with life and how to deal with it
Photo: Nadine Shaabana / Unsplash Our initial reaction to everything that happens around us is supported by emotions, it is they that provoke this or that action. Of course, with age, a person learns to first think about his actions and not make decisions “on emotions.” This is how we begin to control them and suppress them at certain moments. The most common example is to answer “everything is fine” when asked about the state of your affairs; you don’t want to burden your loved ones or friends with your problems and worries. On the other hand, speaking out is very good for your own health.
Suppressed emotions are all those experiences, moments of joy, sadness, fear that you have left in yourself. You didn’t discuss the situation with someone, didn’t let off steam, didn’t ask for advice, that is, you didn’t receive emotional feedback, which plays a big role in your internal state. And the more baggage you have, the more you will become immersed in yourself, replaying this or that situation in your head, which leads to frustration and stress.
This is why many people are not ready to do a job that they once failed, and they were constantly accused of it. They don’t want to experience it again, they start avoiding it. Then, as a rule, automaticity kicks in: when they are given such an objectionable assignment, they shift responsibility to others, try to refuse under any pretext, or immediately come up with a reason for future failure. There are many options, and they are all scenarios of one emotion, one feeling, which lies at the root of all these problems. This is guilt, a person does not want to experience it anymore, and where it came from and why, he will not even think.
The reaction to suppressed emotions can manifest itself in three different ways:
- Psychosomatic diseases. It doesn’t matter whether you believe that your well-being depends on your thoughts, feelings and inner mood or not, various ailments will manifest themselves. At times like these, I always say that oxygen doesn't care if you believe in it, but without it you will die. And pay attention: happy people are, as a rule, healthy people.
- Escape from yourself. If you think that by forgetting about the emotion, burying it deeper, or admitting that it went away on its own, you will solve the problem, this is not so. Until you begin to process the emotion, it will live in you and will come out at the most crucial moment. Your condition will be overshadowed by a feeling of constant tension and pressure, nervousness and panic. Imagine how such changes will affect you - yesterday you were calm, efficient and unbending, today you are incredibly nervous, frustrated and don’t know what to do with yourself. At such moments, automatisms are triggered - calling loved ones, taking antidepressants, eating sweets, visiting a psychologist. But as soon as this state subsides, you return to your usual routine, until the next such breakdown. Many people live in this cycle their entire lives.
- Denial of the problem. We can ignore for a long time the fact that there is something built into us that can greatly disturb us. Suppressed emotions are what prevent you from achieving great results. Sometimes they are a compensatory mechanism that helps, on the contrary, to achieve, and I know such an example. But the interesting thing is this: having dealt with this compensatory mechanism, that is, with what he had suppressed for so long, the person realized that he did not need this success and money - this is exactly what prevented him from being happy. His entourage did not understand this, this suggests that most people do not even know what happiness is and whether they need it.
How to process suppressed emotions
A suppressed feeling manifests itself at the most inopportune moment and completely takes over you, dulling rationality in favor of emotions. This causes a chain reaction or, as they say in construction, “dynamic destruction” - one element breaks, everything else collapses. The brain begins to work on the principle “if only we can fight back, then we’ll somehow survive.” That key moment when this spark flares up is noticed by few. But just knowing about the trigger that provokes the reaction is not enough; you must have the skill of working through your own emotions and feelings.
Photo: Callum Skelton / Unsplash
Freewriting
This practice helps you cope precisely in those moments when suppressed emotions begin to overwhelm you. You will redirect your emotional outburst, find a use for it, and thus work through the feeling tormenting you.
The goal is to write down everything that is in your head at the moment. You don’t need to think about what to write; put absolutely everything on paper without being shy in your expressions. In this way, you do not suppress this emotion, do not fantasize about revenge, but pour out what is happening to you here and now. Write until this emotional state and experience completely leaves you.
This technique works great in conditions where, for example, you want to send your boss, colleagues, or quit altogether. Taking a short break of a couple of minutes will help you calm down, avoid speaking rashly and getting nervous. And by saving these notes, when working on emotions in the future, you will see a concrete difference between their manifestations and will be able to observe whether anything changes at all in your life.
Let go of the emotion
This method is described in David Hawkins’ book “Letting Go. The path of surrender." It is not difficult to guess that you need to let go of what is tormenting you. Allow yourself not to fight the emotion, surrender to it for a certain period of time. You must accept it as a fact, and the less resistance, the faster this negative state will recede.
You process this emotion and let it go, rather than live it and dwell on it. There is no need to try to fix something and prove that you are right - this makes you kill the emotion. Your task is to look into her eyes, admit that she exists, and understand the reason for her appearance.
Both techniques are aimed at getting rid of excess. Remove what is dragging you down; there is no need to try to defeat it by force - the struggle causes a counter struggle. For some reason, we always think that if we fight, we will defeat the thought, but it begins to feed on your energy.
Believe me, when you start to sort through this Pandora's box, you will understand how difficult everything is. Imagine what happens when a person simultaneously awakens fear, hatred, guilt, and envy - it’s difficult to get rid of one feeling, and there are always several of them. Working on yourself takes at least a year, and often even up to three years. But by following this path, you will become a different, better version of yourself, your life will become happier - and, most likely, longer.
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Look for humor in any situation
Humor is a healthy defense mechanism for our psyche, so you should learn to use it in stressful situations. This doesn't mean you should take things lightly. But irony will help you take control of your complex emotions and release them.
The ability to laugh at a situation is useful not only at the moment when it happened. Even if it’s difficult for you to overcome negative emotions right now, if after a while you tell your friends about your failure with humor, it will not leave a serious mark on your psyche.
Be alone
We have an innate need to connect. This is absolutely normal.
The essence of loneliness is not to isolate yourself from the world, to imagine that you can be completely independent and officially declare your independence to the rest of humanity.
“Loving yourself is incredibly difficult. But it's worth it".
It is important to learn to take care of yourself, to understand that your needs are very important and they will not go away if you neglect or ignore them.
The dependence of your emotional state on anything is always the result of the fact that you suppress your needs.
Here are some ways to take care of yourself emotionally:
- Recognize your needs and prioritize;
- Make plans to meet your needs;
- Enjoying solitude;
- Find or create a support group where you can express your feelings;
- Consciously return to the present moment several times a day;
- Exercise regularly to make your body feel better;
- Immerse yourself in something positive.
- And finally, never forget that wherever there is life, there is hope.
Recommended reading → 78 of the wisest and most profound quotes of all time
Loneliness is your best opportunity to explore your condition. Imagine that you decide to spend several months completely alone. Ask yourself, “How can I make this time peaceful, relaxing, healing, constructive, and worthwhile?”
You're sure to find many amazing ways to have fun and take care of yourself. Perhaps through calming meditation, films, music, books, courses or walks accompanied by your imagination.
Remind yourself of your achievements
Prepare some positive statements about your capabilities. These should be words that remind you that you are persistent and strong. Tell yourself: “I’ve been through difficult times, so I can overcome what’s happening now.” Let your statements about your achievements become a positive mantra. What we tell ourselves in difficult moments directly affects our mood. Challenge negative thoughts and remember that this is not the first test on your journey.
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Learn to accept what happens
This is not quite the same as experiencing emotions. We often become irritated, worried, and distressed because of things we cannot control. We deny what is happening, focusing on destructive emotions.
Try to accept the reality of what is happening. Recognize that it happened (all the “what ifs” are no longer important), evaluate whether you can do something, and, if not, move on.
Write down or speak your thoughts and feelings
Pushing away feelings and thoughts creates emptiness. A great way to replenish it is to write down everything we think and feel on paper or on a tape recorder.
You want people to listen, understand and support you. Largely because you yourself refuse to do this for yourself.
Let's face it, you feel helpless when you can't express yourself. Describing needs, desires, disappointments, resentment, fear, sadness, shame, despair, stress is a great way to give yourself strength.
It is important to allow yourself to be frank and express your fears and doubts.
After this you will experience a feeling of emotional release. This method requires practice, but if you use it regularly, the results will not be long in coming.
“Never judge yourself harshly for what you think or feel.”
How to get rid of emotional dependence on a person? Even if your emotions seem overwhelmingly extreme, describe them.
When you learn to fully accept your emotions, you will realize that there is nothing more beautiful, innocent or amazing than your own heart.
In addition to expressing feelings, it is good to write down your thoughts and bring them to a conscious level. When you ignore them, they are more likely to subconsciously control you.
Create your circle of support
Being emotionally stable does not mean being able to cope with everything on your own.
Find sources of emotional support in your environment. Form stable friendships in which you will feel safe. We have already told you how to avoid losing friends over the years. Don’t be shy to share your failures and experiences with your friends. Build relationships with your family.
Anyone will feel more confident and stronger when they know that there is a person or group of people who are on your side. Make sure you always have someone to turn to.
Take absolute responsibility for your happiness
No matter how good a person makes you feel, it is a great idea to develop emotional independence. And do not shift responsibility for yourself to others.
It requires introspection, training and practice. But eventually, you will be able to take care of yourself even in situations where you are currently dependent on others.
For example, if you feel sad, lonely, hopeless, or stressed, you can work through those feelings instead of taking them out on your loved ones.
By acting this way, you will stop blaming the world around you for your troubles, take responsibility for everything that happens to you and begin to change your life for the better.
“My job is to take care of me.”
