The Victorian era of restraint has long since sunk into oblivion, and an era has come when you can openly express your feelings.
And not only is it possible, but it is necessary! You need to awaken your emotions! Surely you have already heard this idea, more than once. Now in many psychological articles you can read about the benefits of emotional self-expression, that you cannot restrain your feelings, about the destructive power of unexpressed negative emotions, and the like. In fact, these ideas correctly reflect the truth: it is necessary to be able to accept and express both positive and negative emotions, it is harmful to always “contain everything to yourself,” and emotions such as fear, anger and shame are natural and characteristic of all living people.
And many people are starting to follow these tips - they are trying to accept and express their emotions - both positive and negative - in an environmentally friendly way. However, a person is an extremely complex being: emotions can arise not only in response to some events and people, but also to his own reaction in some situation, to himself. And these feelings, in response to one’s own emotions, are an area that is much more nebulous and yet no less relevant. Reacting to ourselves and our emotions can become a real problem if we don't like ourselves experiencing certain emotions.
Let's imagine such a situation. Woman K. read one of the articles that recommend unlocking your emotional potential and learning to freely express all your emotions. She begins to follow this advice. It turned out that it works out well for her: it is very easy for her to express her anger and dissatisfaction, and she now gets openly angry when there is a good reason for this. It would seem that she has learned to freely express her feelings; she no longer “holds” anger within herself. And yet there is one significant “but” in this whole situation: when she is openly angry, she perceives herself as someone else’s, bad and disgusting person. This means that she is not in full contact with her feelings, and, in addition, experiences additional negative emotions due to open expression of anger. Therefore, in the long term, this situation leads to significant emotional problems. And the essence of the problem lies in how a person reacts to his reaction, to his emotions and to himself in a particular situation.
There may be a number of negative, unproductive reactions to your feelings and behavior. The list of such reactions can be very long, but we have identified four main types:
Negative emotions and self-devaluation
The first type of “wrong” reaction to one’s experiences is devaluing oneself due to experiencing negative feelings.
If, when this type of reaction is dominant, a person tries to accept and express his negative emotions, this leads to devaluation. People perceive reality approximately as follows: “Everyone around is so restrained and calm. And I'm behaving like a hysteric. Yes, that’s how those around me perceive me – as an abnormal hysteric, as a yapping dog...” Or the following reaction is possible: “Look, you can’t even contain your own emotions. And life doesn’t suit you, that’s why so many negative feelings rush out. And why all? Because you are nobody, and you are not capable of anything...” In any case, internal dialogue leads a person to devalue himself as an individual due to the abundance of negative experiences. Such people, deep down in their souls, could not accept the idea that it is normal to have negative experiences, and therefore the experience of anger, fear and envy causes them to experience even more negative emotions.
In this situation, it is very important to realize that feelings are not identical to the person as a whole, and to learn to accept your negative emotions without devaluing your own personality.
Why is it important to control your emotions?
From the point of view of managing emotions, it does not matter much whether we experience positive or negative emotions. An emotion is a person’s instant reaction to a stimulus; it can be compared to a flash. A positive emotion means that the circumstance or object that caused it meets our ideas about reality and expectations, a negative emotion indicates the opposite. But this is not at all an indication that the object that caused the reaction is actually good or bad. Therefore, emotions often “disturb the aim” - they distort reality and influence decision-making and often lead to mistakes.
There are expressions that clearly illustrate the consequences of such manifestations: “to be in a fog,” “to blurt out in the heat of the moment,” “to be in the heat of the moment,” “to do something without thinking,” that is, to act thoughtlessly, not of one’s own will. The result is damaged relationships, poor choices, and painful regrets about what you did.
If a person has no control over his emotions, he is very easy to manipulate. Manipulators know very well that by arousing a person’s emotions, they “turn off” his ability to think sensibly and thereby push him to take actions that are beneficial to them. A great example of mass manipulation is advertising, which evokes an emotional response and thus controls our decisions.
Failures in the emotional sphere can also lead to more serious consequences. A person can get stuck in some emotional state for a long time, if not forever, most often in a negative one. This is fraught with manifestations of irritability, anxiety, and fear, which can develop into obsessive states, which are extremely difficult to get rid of without the help of a psychologist.
Negative conditions negatively affect all areas of a person’s life. They lead to deterioration in health, relationships with others, decreased activity, weight gain, depression, and give rise to the development of addictions: alcoholism, drug addiction, workaholism, passion for gambling.
On the contrary, by understanding how to cope with emotions, you can gain clarity of thinking and restore lost calm, and with them, self-confidence and a positive attitude.
The desire for self-control or denial: “without emotions”
With the second type of reaction, a person tends to deny his negative emotions or try to control his feelings. For example, man N.’s day did not go well in the morning: the alarm clock did not ring on time, someone stepped on his foot in the subway, his boss is annoying, everything around him is annoying, anger is raging inside. But the man tries to calm himself down, to take his feelings “under control”: “Be above these petty problems! What are you getting annoyed about? Take care of your nerves and breathe deeply. You’re not that upset at all, don’t act like a hysteric.”
The problem in this situation is that there are actually negative emotions that are not accepted. And self-control or denial will not help you get rid of them, and will not turn you into a person “without emotions” - just negative experiences will be better disguised.
What to do? First, you need to recognize the fact of the existence of negative emotions, figure out why they arose and why they acquired such strength and influence on you. And secondly, learn to accept yourself even with your negative emotions: they are part of you, and in order to get rid of negativity, you need to deal with the reasons that provoked their occurrence.
Emotional addiction - what is it and how to deal with it?
Today, this problem is widespread in modern society. Very often you hear the phrase “I can’t live without him (her)” from both men and women. Strong jealousy, constant complaints against a partner, the desire to be together 24 hours a day are a manifestation of emotional dependence. The downside of dependent relationships is loneliness, when, tired of pain, a person decides to avoid emotionally close relationships and becomes distant. Such loneliness is quite painful and takes a lot of mental strength, as well as emotionally dependent relationships.
What is “Emotional dependence” - this is a condition when a person experiences too strong (almost narcotic) need for a relationship with another person.
This is a state when a partner becomes extremely valuable. His interests, his opinion and himself are a priority for the addict. If we are talking about female-male relationships, then emotional dependence is usually called love dependence or addiction. However, this dysfunctional behavior is much broader than the relationship between a man and a woman. This may be excessive dependence on parents, friends, etc.
Essentially, codependency is an excessive need for other people, a need for relationships with other people, dependence on their opinions and assessments. An addict (hereinafter we mean an emotionally dependent person) usually experiences strong fear if there is a threat of moving away from the object of dependence. And if once the addict experienced the fear of losing his partner, now he will hold on to him with a death grip. Relationships with the object of addiction become filled with constant anxiety, tension and self-doubt on the part of the addict. And then anger and irritation and jealousy appear. They usually say about such relationships: “Both together it is difficult, and apart it is unbearable.” Once upon a time, for a dependent person, these relationships brought a feeling of fullness of life, happiness and incredible pleasure from the opportunity to be close. And the memory of past happiness preserves the hope that everything can be returned.
The addict sincerely, with all his soul, wants this. And he tries his best to make everything the same as before. He falls into dependence precisely when, on the one hand, he tries to get what he passionately wants, but does not receive, and on the other hand, he retains the hope of getting what he wants from this particular partner. He seems to be “hanging on the hook” of the future. But, more often than not, he does not receive or receives a very small “dose”. And the more an emotionally dependent person tries, the more angry he becomes with his partner. He develops, on the one hand, a feeling of being deceived, and on the other, a feeling that he is not good enough for a partner, that he is doing something wrong. This situation is reminiscent of childhood, when a child tries to be good in order to gain the approval and love of his parents. And if he doesn’t receive it, then he considers himself not good enough, or, more simply put, bad. As a child, the thought does not occur to him that there is something wrong with the parent and therefore the parent rejects him. Most often, it is in children's dissatisfaction with relationships with parents that the reason for a person's dependent behavior lies.
In more detail, something like this happens. Once upon a time there was a child who needed parental warmth, love and care. For any child, the presence of love and care from parents is a guarantee of survival.
But in our case, the parents were not attentive enough to the baby:
• perhaps too hard; • perhaps they suppressed him psychologically or ignored him; • may have been rejected; • perhaps even beaten; • perhaps the child had parents who were unpredictable, and he grew up with anxiety because he did not know what to expect from them; • or maybe they took out their dissatisfaction on him; • or he was raised in conditions where he always had to meet the expectations of his parents. Moreover, for some reason the expectations always turned out to be too high, and the baby could not satisfy them. Either he behaves incorrectly, or he does not study well enough; • he could hear a lot of criticism directed at himself and his parents' dissatisfaction with themselves.
There may be a lot of options, but the result is that such a child did not feel loved by his parents. He always had to do something, try somehow, to earn love, support and recognition. To feel loved, he must be someone other than himself. He always remained emotionally hungry. They say about such people: “unloved.” The main idea that such a child will grow up with is that he is not good enough. He doesn't deserve good things in life. Sometimes, a feeling of one’s own badness can be projected onto the world around us and onto some people. And then a person has a keen sense of the injustice of the world. He may feel like a victim of circumstances and experience powerlessness.
But in both cases, the addict cannot rely on himself; he constantly doubts the correctness of his judgments. Desperately needs recognition from other people. And he is very afraid of what people will say about him. But if in childhood such a need for parents was justified - a child cannot survive without parents, then in adulthood a person is already able to take care of himself, but the emotionally dependent one does not seem to know about it. Does not notice his capabilities or does not appropriate them to himself. This may be a socially successful person, but all his successes remain insufficient. Or it could be a very attractive woman who feels unworthy of attention and love. Emotionally dependent people live with a feeling of inner emptiness and they need a partner in order to fill this emptiness. This is how sad life turns out to be... However, codependency is corrected, although it is not easy, it is corrected!
The main reasons for the development of dependence on relationships.
A person’s consciousness and subconscious are multifaceted, one’s feelings can be recognized and subjected to verbal analysis, but it is difficult to pull out the anxiety hidden in the depths of one’s soul. The fear of being rejected is an intuitive fear of the subconscious, with which many famous psychotherapists and psychoanalysts worked, including I. Yalom and Z. Freud. This phobia is the root cause on which emotional dependence arises in a relationship. The main reasons for the formation of dependence on relationships, in addition to the above phobia, include:
1. Lack of parental love in childhood. This reason has already been discussed in detail in the section above.
2. Lack of an example of correct, mature relationships in the family. Children, having become adults, often copy their parents in their future families, their behavior, reactions to certain events. Therefore, the habits of the parent who is significant to the child will play a decisive role. If the mother was always dependent on her father, never had the right to vote, and lived under constant moral pressure from him, then the daughter, most likely, will be dependent on him in her relationship with her boyfriend (husband).
3. Low level of self-realization and self-esteem. A person believes that he has no right to happiness, and if now he is loved and appreciated, then he is “obliged to put himself on the altar of this relationship, to sacrifice himself and his desires” so as not to lose the love of loved ones.
4. Lack of hobbies. A person spends a huge amount of time on his partner and his hobbies, since he has no interests of his own. He becomes the center of the universe for the codependent.
5. Fear of being alone with your experiences, inner emptiness. When a person develops harmoniously, he develops a system of communication with himself and the world around him. Diverse interests, favorite work, the presence of certain achievements - all this contributes to the process of self-improvement and self-realization. When this component is missing in the structure of a person, it is “filled up” at the expense of another person, therefore the loss of the object of the meaning of life causes obsessive anxiety and fear.
6. Childhood psychotrauma. If a child was abused by one of the parents or sexually harassed in childhood, then in the future this will distort the perception of gender relations and lead to dependence on the partner in the relationship.
7. Feeling of personal insecurity. It also comes from a deep-seated fear of being rejected, when the instinct of self-preservation comes into play. The only protection and support for a dependent person is a partner who is idealized to the highest degree. As a rule, its shortcomings are either ignored or significantly downplayed.
Signs of addiction in a person.
Like any addiction, love addiction (passionate attachment to another person) has a number of clearly limited signs that make it possible to determine this condition:
· Impossibility of ending a traumatic relationship - not a single dependent individual can independently get out of his condition without external intervention.
· The desire to merge personalities into one - a dependent person tries to “absorb” or “dissolve” in his partner.
· Obsession with the object of your love - all thoughts and feelings are only about him.
· Denial of dependence - no individual under the influence of others voluntarily admits his subordination.
· Feeling of worthlessness in relationships - a person cannot end or change the nature of his relationship.
· The severance of already established personal connections inevitably leads to depression and a general worsening of the individual’s psycho-emotional state.
· Development of the structure of a pathological personality, where the absence of an internal meaning-forming factor predominates. The person on whom a person depends is an inanimate factor that gives meaning to existence.
It is worth noting that the psychology of dependence in relationships is a search for positive factors to combat internal emptiness, anxiety, and obsessive fears. The beloved acts as a knight who protects his beloved from all troubles and misfortunes.
Types of relationship addiction in humans.
The search for an object of desire is based on what a person needs most, what needs he wants to satisfy and how. Therefore, there are several types of addiction. Types of dependencies in relationships:
1. Dependence on the feeling of love. It is important for a person to personally experience these emotions of falling in love; the relationship with a loved one is not particularly important.
2. “Hate” addiction. Destructive forms of relationships between people, when conflict situations prevail that have not found their logical resolution.
3. “My duty” addiction. A type of addiction based on a strong sense of one’s own debt to a partner, as extreme options for the other person’s behavior after a breakup are considered: suicide, binge drinking, overdose.
4. Addiction “addiction.” When an individual is completely subordinate to the will and feelings of another person, he feels his own helplessness. Slave behavior.
Ways to combat relationship addiction.
The basis of the fight against addiction is the destruction of the pathological intrapersonal connections that form it. How to get rid of an obsessive state at home and who to turn to for specialized help, we will consider below. You don’t always want to go to a specialist with your problems, so you can deal with them at home, but only if the process of dependence on relationships has not dragged on to the point of emotional and mental exhaustion of the individual against the backdrop of constant stressful stimuli. Methods applicable at home:
· Find something you love to do. It will become an impetus for personal self-development, and will also add a meaning-forming factor.
· Write down your own feelings and emotions. This will help you think about what a destructive relationship has given you and what positive emotions you are experiencing now.
· Analysis of children's experiences and emotions. Allows you to identify the root cause of addiction.
· Replenish information resources. Broadening your horizons is an important stage in the fight against your problem, allowing you to consciously move towards getting rid of it.
· Analysis of previous relationships and reasons for breaking relationships. Perhaps, among the methods used to get out of an unsuccessful union for you, there will be a suitable one.
· Enlist the support of loved ones. Parents know us like no one else, perhaps they will help you understand the current difficult situation.
· Variety of leisure activities. Not only hobbies, but also study, work, and helping around the house will help you get rid of obsessive thoughts and increase self-esteem.
· Work on mistakes. It is recommended to analyze all relationships and make a list of “How not to behave in a relationship.”
· Computer test “Level of Personal Anxiety”. Everyone can take it at home. It will help you control your internal mental state on your own.
All these methods of struggle are suitable only in a situation where the addict is aware of the full degree of responsibility for his life and is ready to change it. Otherwise, specialized intervention and correction of the person’s failure through psychotherapy will be required. Psychological methods of dealing with relationship addiction:
1. Self-development and self-esteem training. In a group, some processes proceed faster, the emotional component is clearly expressed, and you can feel the support of others, which a dependent person so needs.
2. Method of accelerated maturation. Most often, a dependent person is infantile, lacks initiative, and is tormented by doubts and feelings of guilt. Therefore, the psychologist gives tasks in which the infantile personality is obliged to take responsibility, make a decision or express himself in some way (it is easier to work in creativity - drawings, exhibitions, theatrical genres...).
3. Psychotherapy. The subject gets rid of the obsessive state and forms a further plan of action in life. Techniques of Gestalt therapy or Transactional Analysis are used.
Work on yourself.
Answering the question “how to get rid of psychological dependence on a man” and maintain a relationship, psychologists recommend:
· Recognize and accept the problem. It is important to understand the seriousness of what is happening.
· Determine the object of dependence - the reason is in the man’s personality or in one’s own feelings for him.
· Switch attention to another object. It is possible to devote yourself to sports, a career, or come up with some interesting activity or hobby. In other words, you need to occupy your thoughts with something else.
· Keep your emotions in hand. Stop controlling your chosen one every minute, without boring him with constant calls and your presence.
· Respect yourself and your partner, and love your personality.
· Set personal boundaries. If, for example, an emotional problem is related to a material issue, then a woman should find a job, which will allow her to feel like an independent and accomplished person.
· Learn to defend your point of view, make your own desires a priority.
Relationship dependence or addiction to a mild degree is very rarely treated by specialists, when a person can cope with it himself and the general psycho-physiological state of the body does not suffer, but in its extreme manifestations (phobia of losing a loved one, thoughts of suicide due to a breakup and etc.) needs psychological control and correction. It is quite difficult to recover from love addiction, but it is possible by putting new interests in the forefront. Getting rid of addiction requires a lot of effort and constant work on yourself.
Love presupposes healthy dependence of partners, and the perverted nature of dependence gives rise to codependency in relationships. For example, a codependent spouse needs relationships so much that she strives to get them from her husband in any way, using scandals, manipulation, and in some cases, physical force. Psychological dependence differs from falling in love in that it does not bring joy, but brings suffering and depression.
Avoiding the problem and yourself
Another possible reaction is an attempt to run away from the problem and from your reaction to it. It functions by simply switching attention: “How infuriating the boss is! What a lot of work! Okay, when I go home today, I’ll definitely have to go to the store... And then help my son with his homework...” With this type of reaction, a person tries to “get around” the problem of experiencing negative feelings. Starting to experience irritation, anger and fear, he tries to switch to other things and more pleasant topics. In some situations, this strategy can be beneficial, but constant use leads to a lack of reflection of one’s feelings, loss of contact with the emotional sphere (as a consequence - the occurrence of psychosomatic diseases) and a lack of understanding of the causes of negative emotions. Problems in this situation are not resolved because the person tries not to think about the bad (which means there is no possibility of finding ways out of the problematic situation and stopping the experience of negative feelings).
What can be done in this situation? You need to stop “running” from yourself and learn to reflect on your own feelings - this will help you better understand the cause-and-effect relationships of negative emotions and outline ways to solve life’s problems.
What do we need them for?
There is such a thing as emotional intelligence. And in life it is much more important than IQ, because a high level of emotional culture contributes to the development and advancement of a person. And then, a person, even with a low level of intelligence, will be able to achieve incredible success in his activities and will be able to build close and healthy relationships with others.
A person’s life is varied, and during the day he experiences a whole range of feelings. Unfortunately, not always aware or tracking. Feelings are usually divided into positive and negative. But in fact, they are absolutely all necessary and useful for us, even anger. The question is different, namely their saturation.
For example, let’s take joy, a seemingly pleasant feeling, but if it turns out to be excessive for our psyche, it will lead to the same consequences as during normal stress. Or a feeling of shame, which seems to be unpleasant and undesirable for living, but if we did not experience it, we would not control our behavior, and then we would walk down the street naked, allow obscenity, and so on.
Destruction as an expression of emotion
Does it happen: you are so irritated that only a mental picture in which you “punch the faces” of those who offend you and destroy your hated job can calm you down? This is a typical reaction of destruction in response to negative experiences. Such people tend to “burn their bridges” and remove from their lives everything that reminds them of negative experiences or provokes their occurrence. Memories are “erased” from memory, and people are thrown “overboard” from their life path. However, at their core, these people are fugitives. They run from pain, from negative emotions, from the fear of making a mistake by trusting someone.
What can help here is the emergence of relationships that do not need to be destroyed: they will either be too important for a person, or it will be impossible to escape from them. This could be a relationship with a person or with God. The main thing is that in these relationships a person learns to accept his true feelings and is not afraid to express them openly. Then trust and true freedom of emotional self-expression will appear in this person’s life.
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Awareness Technique
If you don't understand what's happening to you or what exactly you're feeling, try doing an exercise called the Sedona method. To do this, you need to choose a time and space where and when you cannot be distracted or disturbed. Gather your thoughts, realize that you need these answers, so you should be sincere with yourself. Take a piece of paper and a pen and write down the answers to the following questions that come to mind:
- What's happening to me now? What I feel? Use the table that I gave at the beginning of the article, because very often we make the mistake of calling desires for any actions emotions, for example: “I feel like I want to hit him” - then this is anger, aggression...
- Do I agree, am I ready to accept this?
- Can I let go?
- And the last question: “Do I want to let this go?”
