Mother-in-law hates daughter-in-law, advice from psychologist

It just so happens that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, to put it mildly, is not always normal. To be more precise, there is almost always enmity between them.

This is connected with the war of generations, and with the reluctance to share the beloved man (husband and son in one person), and with the refusal to perceive the daughter-in-law as the second mistress in the house. There can be many reasons. It is about them, and about ways to resolve the conflict, that we will talk.

Why the mother-in-law doesn't love her daughter-in-law: psychology

Conflicts arise for several reasons:

most often the problem is related to “loss of power.” If the mother of a loved one is narcissistic and treats her son as an extension of her own self, and not a self-sufficient person, then a conflict with her daughter-in-law is inevitable. After all, she “steals” the child;
Controversies flare up due to the “separation of powers” (especially if two women live under the same roof). The mother-in-law, accustomed to running the house, suddenly finds herself with an incomprehensible “competitor” with “strange” ideas about how to cook, clean, look, and raise children;
the son's wife constantly criticizes any recommendations and advice from her mother-in-law;
the daughter-in-law manipulates her husband and tries to turn him against his mother;
her mother-in-law gossips and “throws mud” behind her back;
inspires children that their grandmother is an evil and bad person;
fundamentally does not accept help from her husband’s parents, even if she really needs it.

There are many other reasons of a subjective nature.

Almost all of the above reasons that provoke anger and irritation in the mother-in-law towards the daughter-in-law belong to the objective factors of hatred.

To put it simply, the son’s beloved consciously and purposefully “increases” the tension between herself and her mother-in-law in order to alienate or completely deprive her of influence on her husband. But experts are convinced that difficulties in relationships between two women can also be caused by less obvious behavioral acts such as gossip or manipulation.

Hidden factors in conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are:

Mother's jealousy towards her son's chosen one.
Biological intolerance of two subjects of the relationship.
Characterological differences.
The mother-in-law’s feeling of her own “uselessness” after her son found a replacement for her in the form of a wife.
This reason is especially acute if she raised him alone.
Inappropriate envy on the part of the mother-in-law, caused by the realization that her youth has already passed.

Whatever the true motives of the conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, if they are not resolved in time, they threaten to develop into ongoing battles for influence and defending their own views and beliefs on both sides.

Living in such an atmosphere is a constant stress not only for those directly involved in scandals, but also for their immediate circle.

Especially for a man who will be emotionally “torn” between his mother and his wife, not knowing which side to take.

Where does negativity come from?

My mother-in-law hates me - what should I do? Many married girls today ask this kind of question. A mother-in-law’s negative attitude towards her daughter-in-law can begin at a subconscious level, starting from the very moment when the object of “sharing” between women was just born. From the day your chosen one was born, your mother-in-law raised a real man who, in fact, should be ideal for her. This feature is especially clearly manifested in those ladies whose husband does not correspond to their ideas about an ideal life partner, as well as in divorced women and single mothers. Therefore, while raising her son, the mother, on a subconscious level, strives to provide herself with support and support in the future. And everything would be fine, but the years go by, the son grows up, finds a life partner, and the mother realizes that she is gradually losing him. The young man devotes more and more time and attention to his lady love, and his mother, meanwhile, “tears and rushes.” Is there any point in further explaining why mothers-in-law hate their daughters-in-law?

What to do if your mother-in-law hates your daughter-in-law: advice from a psychologist

The following tips will help make your relationship with your loved one's mother less painful.

Respecting boundaries

From the very beginning, we let the mother-in-law understand that it is impossible to “invade” the personal space of the young spouses. It must dawn on the husband's mother that it is not good to visit whenever you want, or to call at the wrong time.

Also, the mother of her loved one must realize that her advice is not welcome. Young people without a “mother” will perfectly decide which kindergarten is better, where it is safe to send their child, what curtain to decorate the window with. But you shouldn’t blame your mother-in-law for giving advice. A woman must realize that her experience is valuable, but everyone has the right to step on a rake and do it their own way. Let’s thank our husband’s mother for the advice, then we’ll do as we see fit.

We will also try to be less frank with our mother-in-law if she is unfriendly. After all, a woman can use “personal” information against her daughter-in-law.

Let's try a little trick. We ask my husband's mother for advice

The spouse's mother may thaw a little and begin to treat him better if she thinks that her opinion is valuable. Therefore, let’s ask how best to cook fried chicken or treat a child with a sore throat. Let's pretend that the advice was very helpful. We will grow up in the eyes of our beloved mother.

If you have a bad relationship with your mother-in-law, using such advice from a psychologist is quite effective.

Let's learn something from men

A man, unlike a woman, tolerates interpersonal problems more easily and worries much less about what relatives think. Representatives of the stronger half of humanity understand: it is not necessary to love relatives, you just need to be able to get along. Let's try to do the same.

There is no point in “falling in love” with your spouse’s mother, we will try, just so that it does not lead to a “hot” war.

Let's figure out why the actual criticism of the spouse's mother hurts so much

Let's figure out why the mother-in-law's critical remarks are so painful, why it is so difficult to ignore them. Maybe the problem is explained by a subconscious expectation: will others approve of our actions?

It is very important to instill in ourselves: we are valuable individuals, regardless of how we dress, look, cook, or raise children. This means that criticism from the husband’s mother is unimportant and should not hurt. It is stupid to create a conflict with your mother-in-law because of unpleasant reproaches. There is no such recommendation in the advice of a psychologist.

What do psychologists recommend doing?

Sometimes misunderstanding reaches its climax, and the unfortunate girl seeks help from qualified advisers. In a current family problem, where the mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law, the advice of psychologists can significantly alleviate the suffering of the unfortunate woman and, together with her, develop tactics for her correct behavior with the aggressor in the person of the mother-in-law. For a family, especially a newly formed one, peace and tranquility are very important. You and your chosen one should not have a choice: you or your mother. Therefore, the task here is one - to build relationships competently and act in accordance with certain rules.

How to communicate and get along with your mother-in-law, stop hating her: advice from a psychologist

To get along with your loved one’s mother, you should listen to the following advice from psychologists.

Let's try to understand

Psychologists recommend making an effort, trying to understand the mother of your loved one, no matter how difficult it may be. Then we will get to the bottom of the cause of the conflict and develop a realistic strategy for resolving it. Let's try to figure out what gave rise to hostility, let's evaluate the situation through the eyes of the husband's mother.

Perhaps she is a very suspicious person, terribly afraid of old age and loneliness. When a daughter-in-law appears, the mind of the husband's mother is filled with fear that soon no one will need her. The woman develops hostile feelings towards the young woman. Also, the husband’s mother may be afraid: her daughter-in-law will make her beloved son unhappy.

We assess the situation realistically

Expectations create suffering, says the ancient Buddhist wisdom. Let's listen to her and try to look at things realistically. If the husband’s mother does not help much in raising the child, believing that this is primarily the responsibility of the parents, then there is no need to be angry with her.

Yes, she poorly meets expectations, but resentment will only aggravate the situation. It will never be possible to remake an adult, fully formed person. Therefore, you need to “work with what you have.”

Resist reality, assert: “I hate my mother-in-law, and that’s all!” - unreasonable. The psychologist's advice contains a recommendation not to view life through rose-colored glasses.

Let's learn to easily tolerate criticism

It's actually not that difficult to do. You just need to master a simple visualization technique. This is self-hypnosis using the power of your own imagination. We need to take a chair or bed, get comfortable, then imagine, for example, that all the criticism addressed to us is just a small harmless stream of water in the shower. Its drops flow down the shoulders and do no harm.

In order to get along or at least not fight with the mother of our beloved husband, we will show wisdom and patience, and try to find reasonable compromises.

Don't show your feelings

When a girl, being a bride, thinks about the question: “Why does my mother-in-law hate me?”, she should pay attention to her behavior. It is important to be able to prioritize in relationships with your future husband and his mother. Do not demonstrate your love and emotions too actively towards your spouse - this will only make your mother-in-law jealous. Be polite and courteous in conversations with her, and try to ignore caustic remarks in your direction. Instead, give your warmth to your beloved man, but do not do it too openly in front of his mother.

Reconciliation consultant, Alexander Trunov, about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law:

We are talking about this topic with family psychologist and reconciliation consultant Alexander TRUNOV:

Why does conflict arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?

The mother-in-law is one of the representatives of the clan, which includes the future daughter-in-law. And to maintain peace in the family, the daughter-in-law must literally enter this family, this clan, take her husband’s surname, and then the mother-in-law will be supportive. But often the daughter-in-law is not part of her husband’s family, but, on the contrary, tries to take him to her place. This is where conflicts arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

It is important to understand that the mother-in-law is afraid of losing her son, and the daughter-in-law wants her husband to belong only to her. But husband and son are different subpersonalities, different components. Therefore, the daughter-in-law takes her husband and leaves her son to her mother.

In turn, the mother gives her husband to her daughter-in-law, and keeps her son for herself. When this separation is present, there is no conflict. It happens that a daughter-in-law forces her husband to make a difficult choice: “Either me or mom.”

It is not right.

After all, no matter how old he is, he will still remain a child to his parents. Therefore, a choice is often made in favor of the mother. And, even if he chooses a wife, conflicts will constantly be present in their relationship.

But why does the mother-in-law react this way to changes in the family?

Again, I repeat that this happens because the mother is afraid of losing her son. For many mothers, a son is the best man in life. After all, a woman often tries to correct or remake her husband, but she fails, but with a child she succeeds.

This creates a powerful, intimate bond between mother and son. When another woman comes and tries to take away this over-aged “baby,” then, of course, she will meet resistance from her mother-in-law.

Also, you should not miss the moment when the boy must come under the influence of his father. But more often than not, boys remain under the influence of their mother, this is especially typical for Russian families.

Why are there families where people maintain good relations with the parents of the husband and wife, and there are families in which conflicts almost never subside?

There is a hierarchy in the extended family system. Everyone who enters it has their place: children, parents, grandmothers - they all take their place. If the lower hierarchy does not claim the place of the higher one, then there is no conflict.

It occurs where there is disrespect and disruption, for example, if a daughter-in-law tells her husband: “I am better than your mother.” For a conflict to arise, such a phrase will be enough.

The next important point: it is good when children ask their parents for blessings before getting married. This request is a sign of respect for parents. I think that then relations will develop more peacefully.

What influences a woman’s qualities as a mother-in-law?

A woman's qualities as a mother-in-law are influenced by how she or her mother got along with their in-laws. She will behave in the same way as she or her mother behaved with her mother-in-law: she unconsciously, automatically switches on behavioral mechanisms that she has long forgotten about.

If a daughter-in-law comes to her husband’s house, then the hostility between her and her mother-in-law often begins with the fact that they are psychologically cramped in the same kitchen. How to minimize nerve-wracking kitchen battles?

Young people need to live separately.

But if you still cannot avoid living together with your parents, then you need to try to do your things in turn. You can also introduce a role-based distribution of responsibilities: who will do what.

Mother-in-law: zones of influence

Her husband’s mother, out of habit, will try to poke her nose into all areas of his life.
If this influence is not decisively stopped, it will only grow. The tension between women is felt most acutely in the kitchen. After all, each subconsciously perceives it as her own, cooks according to her own rules and does not require assistants. “Two housewives in the kitchen mean trouble,” says popular wisdom. The easiest way is to determine the order of cooking by day and create a menu so as not to get into trouble over peeling potatoes or the amount of oil in the fry.

Or the mother-in-law will do the kitchen chores, and the daughter-in-law will wash the dishes and clean the apartment. Divide the responsibilities so that everyone gets an equal amount.

Since the spouse’s mother has already raised the children, she will rightfully try to raise the grandchildren, displacing the daughter-in-law from the role of the main authority in front of the child. As soon as the grandson appears, it is better to immediately explain what is possible and not possible. No matter how close the grandmother is, the mother is the main educator.

And finally, the mother-in-law will push the choice of her husband to where she thinks is more correct. Moreover, this does not depend at all on the situation. Whether it's ordering a sleeping bed for a young person, buying a trash can or changing jobs.

This situation will take longer to resolve:

Explain to your husband that he is the boss in his new family. You can listen to your mother’s choice, but you don’t have to follow it.
Make it clear to both your spouse and mother-in-law that refusing the option she has chosen will in no way discredit you and your son.
Having your own opinion is normal and even necessary!

Relationship with daughter-in-law: what not to talk about

If you decide to become a “second mother” for your daughter-in-law, then you need to start with the correct construction of interpersonal communication. It is constructive dialogue that is the first step in the formation of adequate relationships between people.

Therefore, psychologists have identified a number of “forbidden topics” that are best not raised in the presence of the son’s beloved. Let's look at each of them in more detail.

Don't talk about appearance

No woman will be pleased with criticism of her appearance, even disguised as a sincere desire for help. Such recommendations may be perceived by her as attempts at humiliation in front of her husband. Therefore, avoid pointing out your daughter-in-law’s shortcomings in choosing makeup and stop advising diets, otherwise conflicts between you are inevitable.

“No woman will be pleased with criticism of her appearance, even disguised as a sincere desire for help.”

Don’t try to set your own rules and constantly interfere with everyday life.

The rules and foundations in your husband’s house have been established by your mother-in-law for years; this is an established process that should not be subjected to constant interference. In her home, the mother-in-law is the mistress, and outside interference in what she is already accustomed to can be regarded as the most banal disrespect. Everyone knows that there is no place for two housewives in the same kitchen, so don’t be lazy to agree in advance on all the issues that arise that relate to cooking and housekeeping. And remember: the final word should belong to the mistress of the house.

Don't criticize your daughter-in-law's cooking skills

Of course, every mother wants her son to eat tasty and healthy food. However, you should not make a tragedy out of the fact that your daughter-in-law does not know how to cook or is not yet sufficiently aware of her husband’s taste preferences. Culinary skill is a learned skill; the necessary skills will come with time.

Your task at this stage is to help your son’s chosen one with useful advice, but without sarcastic remarks and stupid jokes. Otherwise, you will forever turn her away from such help and sow the seeds of discord between you.

Don't teach your daughter-in-law how to raise children

Raising children is a difficult task, don’t you know it? However, remember how you yourself reacted to outside help, especially regarding issues of raising a child? Dull irritation, anger and a desire to go against advice - this is a typical reaction of a young mother to the recommendations of outsiders.

If you see that your attempts to help are perceived negatively, then it is better to leave this activity. Otherwise, the relationship with your daughter-in-law will be hopelessly damaged.

Don't bring up your son's ex-girlfriends

Another effective method for quarreling with your daughter-in-law is to regularly remember your son’s former passions in front of her. It is possible that you liked his past partners more, but is this a sufficient reason to ruin your relationship with your current chosen one?

Don't blame your mother-in-law for everything

Often, according to the daughter-in-law, all scandals and omissions in the family occur only because of the mother-in-law. If you are firmly convinced that if it weren’t for your husband’s mother, your family life would be the most ideal, then, as they say, this conviction will not get you far. Ultimately, your mother-in-law will hear a sea of reproaches from you, which will have a rather negative impact on your relationship with her and on your mutual understanding with your husband.

And - finally: a reminder to the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law

It is a rare occurrence when the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is ideal. But! It is within your power to bring them closer to ideal.

Take note, daughter-in-law, and remember!

It is in your interests to make your relationship with your mother-in-law constructive. After all, it is important for a son that his beloved finds a common language with the one who gave him life.
Don't try to make your husband only yours. She is his mother and he loves her.
Don’t neglect your mother-in-law, accept her and try to love her sincerely.
Show signs of attention - congratulate her, give her a nice present, but don’t try too hard to please her.
Don’t show your ambition, but don’t let yourself be offended, and don’t let anyone interfere in your affairs.
If a conflict situation arises, do not involve your husband, do not turn him against his mother.
Ask, but don’t impose your opinion.
Don’t tell your mother anything bad about your son—you’ll immediately find an enemy in her.
Become a good wife, make your mother-in-law useful, and your husband a like-minded person, and live separately from your mother-in-law.

Take note, mother-in-law, and remember!

Your goal is one - to see your son happy. Then don't replace his wife. It was given to him by God. In a word, try hard...
Don’t bend under yourself the one your son loves. She is not your daughter. She is free.
If your boy is dear to you, back off, don’t stand in his way - build a normal relationship with his beloved.
Don't drag your son into the conflict. It will be difficult for him to choose.
He lives with her, is he okay? Don't say anything bad about her, don't interfere. Otherwise, he will move away from you or get divorced and become unhappy.
Don't force your help. If they ask, help.

In general, love each other and be happy!

Whatever it is, remember that a mother-in-law is a free and required addition to your marriage, even if you didn’t ask for it. Live peacefully, be adamant and friendly, patient. Always try to put yourself in the shoes of this poor woman, because huge changes are also taking place in her life with your appearance! Good luck!

The most common mistakes of daughters-in-law

All young wives stumble upon the same rake when they step into the house of their husband's relatives.

In order not to create a real hell instead of a family nest with her own hands, the daughter-in-law should:

Don't provoke a quarrel. Where there is an opportunity to remain silent, it is better to use it. Proving your point of view does not mean winning. More often the silent and calm one wins than the nervous and quarrelsome one.
Don't put your husband before a choice. It’s already hard for him when the women he loves are at war. And choosing between two fires will only worsen the situation.
Don't compete with your mother-in-law. You are not in a race where your husband is the main prize. If she thinks she makes better pies, then so be it.
Don't do it out of spite. Yes, it’s difficult, but only cats shit in the slippers of the owner who yelled at them. Keeping your ego in check is the only sane option.
Don't tell your husband nasty things about his mother . Complaining will only provoke discord in the relationship, which will make the mother-in-law incredibly happy.

Why does it work out for some and not for others?

As psychologists say, sometimes a man, solely on a subconscious level, chooses a life partner who is similar to his mother. If the mother is a positive person, easy-going, friendly, and so on, then the wife will be as close as possible to a similar image. There should be no problems here, because two pleasant people will be able to establish contact with each other without any problems. But if the mother-in-law is a powerful and proud person, if all that is important to her is that everyone unquestioningly obeys her opinion, then they are unlikely to quickly find a common language with their daughter-in-law.