How to break up with a girl without causing her pain: advice from psychologists

How to break up with a girl? The line between ending a relationship and conveying to the girl that there is no return and remaining gallant and humane is thin. If you show yourself too softly and, trying to support her, say a lot of compliments, you risk receiving obsessive attention and attempts to convince you instead of ending the relationship. And if your approach is too harsh, you can seriously offend and inflict irreparable mental wounds on a creature that, due to its feelings, is defenseless in front of you.

We spend different amounts of time together with people (from minutes to decades); it is easier to say goodbye to colleagues than to loved ones. Cases of saying goodbye to a relationship due to the sudden realization that a further path with this person is impossible (due to the departure of feelings or betrayal, a change in conditions or the discovery of unmanifested sides of the personality) are not new, painful and cause a lot of thought. If you decide to take this step not after a scandal, and this is a conscious decision, then you should end the relationship without prolonging the process and not letting the situation go uncontrolled. The best option for this is an honest, open conversation in person, and the worst option is to leave without explanation, cutting off all lines of communication.

If you are thinking about how to break up with a girl and remain friends, then you should also reconsider the interesting conclusions adopted, in the light of the obviousness of your desire to continue communication. Perhaps this desire hides an escape from responsibility, or you have come up with unnecessary things about the girl’s demands from you, then it’s worth discussing this, and not turning your own feelings around - it won’t get better.

But if the decision has matured in your soul and is supported by the logic of your mind, then you should take care of how to break up with a girl without offending her.

When should you break off a relationship with a girl?

To determine that a relationship has ceased to bring joy and no longer has a future, find at least one match among the items presented in the list. This will be an indicator that parting with a beloved, but unsuitable girl is inevitable, since the characters and temperaments do not match.

READ Relationships have exhausted themselves: how to understand that this is the end

Different visions of a joint future, life, and lifestyle of a couple. Men and women grow up in families where the understanding of norms of behavior is different. For some, it is acceptable, for example, not to express feelings and act coldly, while for others such behavior is annoying. The same applies to understanding further development: a man insists on moving to another city to look for a well-paid job, but a woman will not agree with this, or vice versa. Therefore, if disagreements arise when discussing everyday issues, and neither of the couple is ready to compromise, you should think about breaking up.
Disrespect, provocation, blackmail. When one representative of a couple expresses the opinion that certain aspects are not satisfactory, and the other ignores it, this is a sign of disrespect. The union will not receive further development. People with an immature psyche are more likely to engage in provocations and blackmail. Try to convey to your partner that this behavior is wrong, but if nothing changes, you will have to admit that the couple has no future.
Aggression of one representative of a couple or both at once. Regardless of who shows force and uses physical force, feel free to break off relations with an aggressive person. The same applies to a similar attitude towards children, elderly parents and other loved ones.

If at least one sign is present, think about how to painlessly break up with a girl.

Pleasant flight!

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You love your football team, don’t miss a single match, wear their T-shirt, but your girlfriend hates such hobbies? Invite her to a game. Just before the match, a small plane (which you will hire, of course) will fly a poster over the field: “Katya, we can’t be together anymore. Good luck. Thank you". While she looks at the poster in surprise, you will leave the game.

When is the decision to break up made?

If the desire to break the connection arises constantly or periodically, you should not ignore your feelings. However, the decision must be thought out and weighed.

READ How to stop loving a girl you love very much: advice from a psychologist

To accept it, use these tips:

do not say loud words during or immediately after a quarrel, when the emotional state is unstable - such issues are resolved with a “cool” head;
weigh the pros and cons in writing: this will allow you to clearly formulate your thoughts and understand the situation;
use your imagination and imagine the future that will come in 2-3 years if you don’t figure out how to properly break up with your current girlfriend. At the same time, you should not idealize another person, hoping that changes for the better will occur. Will you like this life? If the answer is no, feel free to break up.

A calmly made decision will be justified, and this will help not cause pain when parting.

On a short leash5

Sometimes there are such cunningly invented persons nearby that it is very difficult and sometimes simply unrealistic to get rid of them. Their “leash” is blackmail. Moreover, vile, cheap blackmail by suicide. Oh, how many of them are always jumping out of the window, cutting veins and emptying first aid kits. And how beautifully they stand on bridges or on the parapets of roofs: the wind blows their hair, their white clothes flow in a stream of sadness, a veil of sadness envelops their trembling body.

And he, this stinker, will still understand who he lost! She will suffer all her life, but she, a lonely angel, will be far away in heaven. Naturally, no one wants to take responsibility for someone else’s life, but most often these are just empty, pretentious words that do not carry any burden. After all, they don’t squeal about the act of suicide and don’t make a theatrical spectacle out of it.

Another way of blackmail is “oops, I’m pregnant.” It's easy to avoid this. It’s enough not to sign up for farewell sex. And set the date of separation on the days of menstruation. Fortunately, the guys know the time of “red flags” well.

Sometimes the “leash” can be material accumulations. For example, the car is registered in the name of a girl, and the loan is registered in the name of a young man. I have to pay for another three years, but I’m dying to break up now. Here you need to weigh everything. It’s one thing if the car was a birthday present, then you’ll have to leave it to the lady and continue to pay the money. It's a different story if the car was bought just like that.

Here it depends, but it would be fair to sell the car or leave it as a “farm-out”, showing masculine nobility. So, before leaving a girl, you should carefully consider the places of straw bedding in order to get out of the cycle of blackmail with honor.

What a man should do when breaking up

The sequence of how to carefully break up with a good girl depends on mutual feelings. If the relationship lasts 2-3 weeks or 3-4 months, the separation will not be difficult, since the partners have not yet had time to get used to mutual habits. In the case of a long-term relationship, pay attention to feelings.

who loves you

It is not uncommon for a girl to have strong feelings for a young man. This is explained by increased emotionality and a tendency to idealize a partner. But this doesn’t make the situation where you need to determine how to break up with a girl who still loves you any easier.

To do this, proceed sequentially:

Identify and clearly state the reason. It is better to prepare in advance not just one sentence with the main problem, but a complete plan for conducting a dialogue.
Choose a location. Any calm and quiet establishment, park or square will do. It is undesirable to choose an apartment, since this will lead to increased aggressiveness, and in the presence of other people it is easier to contain the flow of negativity.
Present your points sequentially, leaving time for responses. Words about a breakup will not bring joy; most likely, she will at least be offended.
Don’t focus on the negative aspects, remember the positive character traits of your ex-lady. Note that the breakup is partly your fault.

To part with a nice girl gracefully, provide a useful service at the end. You can, for example, give a ticket to a rock band concert or a certificate to a beauty salon. You should not choose an item in this role, as it will become a symbol of separation and will not bring joy. When giving a gift, make sure that it is a gesture of friendliness, but not a hint of the possibility of continuation.

READ Why a man stopped communicating without explanation and what to do in such a situation

which you love very much

There are situations in which a man has strong feelings for a girl, but does not receive reciprocity. This brings disappointment to both parties. The representative of the stronger sex feels his own weakness, which depresses and suppresses. And the fragile woman feels an onslaught that she cannot resist.

The result is that one is depressed and assertive, while the other is scared and depressed. Therefore, you need to know how to part with your loved one without causing harm to anyone:

First, try to put yourself in her shoes. A wise man understands that you cannot gain favor by pushing. Therefore, he will not act from the point of view of strength and perseverance.
Secondly, think about the torment of a girl who, out of generosity, agrees to spend time with an uninteresting person.
Finally, remember your own dignity. Humiliation and condescension are not feelings that a representative of the stronger sex deserves.

Exceptions to the rules and other options

So, does the “no contact period” strategy work in all situations?
What if it's been three months since you broke up?
What if you live together?

There may be many such “ifs” and many controversial situations. But in most cases I insist - no contact! True, sometimes this can be expressed in some other way. In general, if you still have doubts about the effectiveness of my method, you can turn to someone else.

If you watch my free videos and read my articles, you will always find a comment form below them in case you want to chat with me or get advice on whether the “no contact period” strategy is applicable in your particular case.

I have also prepared a list of articles that will complement the above material on this topic:

When is it better not to ignore your ex? Exceptions for the “no contact period”
Mistakes that people make after the end of the “no-contact period”
What if she forgets me during the no contact period?

Also, please pay attention to the fact that the non-contact period itself does not produce tangible results and cannot be the only method for returning an ex-girlfriend or wife. This is one of the most important elements of my course, but if you compare the Ex Factor to a car, then the contactless period is only one of four wheels!

How to end a relationship gracefully without offending the girl

There is no separation scenario that will suit every couple. However, there are a number of rules that cannot be broken when talking about a breakup:

You cannot give false hope, even if this desire seems irresistible. Keep silent or gently interrupt the conversation at the moment when you feel that you will say something stupid.
Don't tell your friends about what happened. A man must remain a gentleman, maintaining honor and dignity. Therefore, it’s not worth chatting at every corner about a breakup, especially one initiated by you.
Do not shift responsibility for the decision that has been made to others. The message about the breakup and that love has passed should come from you alone.

Don't let other people take advantage of you in a committed relationship. Therefore, you should not immediately start dating someone else, especially in front of the previous one, or, even worse, out of spite.
Physical disabilities cannot be cited as a reason for separation. After all, at the beginning of the meetings this did not bother anyone, but after time spent together, talking about it is low and undignified.
Don't try to provoke a girl into deciding to break up. If there are objective circumstances that you are not happy with, try to find ways to properly break up with the annoying girl. Even if it is outside sympathy and reluctance to cheat in a relationship, it is better to admit it honestly.

The strategy for those dates in reverse4

Everything is clear about the meeting place, but how to behave so that the girl can more easily accept the fact of breaking up, is said further.

First, you need to develop a plan for how and when the guy will meet, and what to say to the girl each time. Firstly, you need to delay the moment of the first meeting as long as possible. You can refer to employment, study, work. There is no need to show any coldness; it will be enough that the girl begins to guess and understand the situation herself.

In no case should you suggest taking a break: this is an official “divorce” with a delay in time, where everyone belongs to himself, even if the man really wants to be alone. Well, now, in marriage, you also need to go on vacation? No one does this because relationships are a job for two.

What to do if a girl is too intrusive

Representatives of the fairer sex with a hysterical character and an immature psyche tend to create additional difficulties when breaking up. Indeed, in this case, you need to think about how to break up with a hot-tempered girl without causing her even more pain, and also about how to avoid additional problems arising due to scandals.

READ How to survive a breakup with a loved one: advice from a psychologist

First, evaluate your ex's ability to ruin your life. For example, if she has influential relatives who are not indifferent to her fate, there is a possibility of dismissal from her job.

However, you will still get tired of enduring this, so it is better to get rid of the heavy burden as early as possible. If threats are not destined to come true, ignore such manifestations.

If a girl shows excessive intrusiveness and the young man wants to break up, try to carefully, but straightforwardly, report this. At the same time, do not make meaningful promises or reactions that are difficult to interpret unambiguously. She must understand that the separation is final, and the decision will not change depending on the mood swings of the ex-boyfriend.

Do not respond to blackmail and persuasion. If your companion has materials compromising the gentleman in stock, try to prepare in advance a basis for eliminating the consequences. It is better to delete or limit access to information that will ruin your reputation. If you are persuaded to return, explain that this is impossible for the reasons that the young man gave as justification for the decision.

Gradually moving away from each other is the option that will be the least painful. Mute her activity with your indifference, constant lack of time for meetings and dates. To do this, do not answer calls and messages, spend more time with friends and colleagues.

Second date: complete indifference to the interlocutor6

On the second date, if it still happens, the girl herself may seem cold or too intrigued. Of course, she was looking forward to meeting her after it’s unclear what (last time,” and she wants to hear pleasant words. The guy at this moment maintains a tactile distance:

No kissing or touching;
None of the mention of past dates.

You can start a neutral conversation about fishing or football. At this stage, the girl understands: they are talking about nonsense, they are talking to her like a friend, she cannot connect anything, find a logical continuation of the last date in the format of the current one. And then she will either ask a question directly, which should be answered, or act as if there is no hope, but the problem is still not solved. There is no need to come up with excuses not to answer or change the topic.

For example, “Are we breaking up? “Wait, I can’t think about this topic yet, let’s meet a third time, I’ll let you know for sure.” This is complete nonsense that normal girls will not play. Therefore, if possible, it is better to tell her the truth, because it will be more honest. You don't have to wait until the third date.

What not to do during a breakup

To understand how to break up with your girlfriend after a long relationship without causing additional suffering, you should avoid situations that will aggravate the depressed state:

There is no need to resort to the support of a group of friends. People have an established social circle in which they can find support. If a young man influences the company of his ex, he is acting meanly. Perhaps close friends will become the only outlet and reassurance.
Don't interfere with parents and relatives. Do not try to talk about situations where close people confirmed the negative qualities of a young lady behind her back. Speaking badly about them in her presence is also wrong.
Accusations and getting personal are not the best options when talking about a breakup. This will provoke and turn the conversation into a scandal, because mutual reproaches and insults will most likely arise.
Give a chance to return. Situations when a conversation about breaking up turns into passion do happen, but are perceived differently by men and women. The first ones are sure that this way you can put a full stop, while the second ones are convinced that this is a sign of an ellipsis. Therefore, to avoid misunderstandings, stay within the bounds of decency and do not move to a closer level of relationship.

...if you dare to come for friendly sex

Another mandatory point of the program is to copulate for old times’ sake. Firstly, because the advantages of such sex are obvious: technical perfection (it’s not for nothing that you practiced so much), multiplied by a kaleidoscope of flashbacks and sentimental memories, and seasoned with a persistent feeling that this is your last time. In short, in my opinion, it would be dishonest to deprive a woman of such a “delicacy.” And secondly, there is no more convincing argument that you still have the warmest feelings for Ex than a standing fly. And this is a demonstration of a caring attitude - as I hope you have already learned - the main thing that makes you a little less ugly in a girl’s eyes

Photo: GettyImages/Fotobank.ru

How different zodiac signs break up

Each representative of the zodiac sign behaves differently when breaking up. But identifying the most characteristic phrases and reactions is quite simple.

Aries. They quickly say the phrase “I want to break up” and leave without looking back. Sometimes this happens extremely unexpectedly for the partner.
Taurus. For a long time and smoothly they prepare a person for the fact that soon their couple will cease to exist. Sometimes their warmth is perceived as indecisiveness, but these guys do not do rash things.
Twins. Extremely insecure people. Today they can love to the point of unconsciousness, and tomorrow they can forget about the existence of a loved one. Therefore, the separation will be long.

Cancers. They endure and remain silent for a long time. But if you start a conversation in the style of “I can’t stand this anymore,” there’s definitely no turning back.
Lions. Representatives of this sign do not break up, they abandon. Therefore, when starting to date a Leo, you need to be prepared even for this.
Virgos. Soft and gentle, they will delay the moment of conversation until the last moment. And as soon as the decision to separate becomes inevitable, they will disappear without speaking.
Scales. They think and evaluate the situation for a long time. Ready for a compromise even after talking about a breakup, you just need to try.
Scorpios. They are harsh and a little rude, but they take the breakup hard. Therefore, they try to talk about claims against each other in a timely manner, and if they decide to end a romantic relationship, then they do it according to all the rules.
Sagittarius. They are purposeful and stubborn, so if you decide to break off the connection, you won’t be able to convince them.
Capricorns. They are ready to compromise, so they endure for a long time. But they break up quickly and forever.
Aquarius. The cautious behavior of representatives of this sign rarely leads to relationships in which they have to leave. But if this happens, they try to do it in silence, simply switching to ignoring their ex-partner.
Fish. They are emotional and extremely hot-tempered, so a conversation about a breakup is unlikely to go smoothly.

READ How to painlessly part with a loved one: advice from a psychologist

First date: the beginning of the end5

There is no need to prepare for the first date. Nobody does that. Just call and make an appointment. Next comes the most interesting part:

No flowers, bouquets or official visits.
Say no to ties and nice clothes; let it be casual jeans with an old jacket.
Indifference and reluctance to talk: he invited you and remains silent - suspicious and unpleasant.

The first step has been taken, all that remains is to wait until the girl herself begins to refuse dates. Suddenly she doesn’t want to repeat the events of the past day at all. Just don’t need to frantically run to her later and complain that she has grown cold and turned away, otherwise scandals cannot be avoided, and a residue will remain.

Advice: psychologists recommend a careful approach to the issue of leading a person to make decisions. As a rule, this is the work of illusionists and metalheads who force people to think and act in ways that benefit them. People who are far from this talent can simply cause a flurry of negative emotions and disappoint their companion in any manifestation of the wonderful feeling of love.

If you can’t get someone to think about it, you need to encourage it: take you to the cinema, where they will show something about unhappy love or betrayal. Proceed with caution! Such situations need to be anticipated in order to create the correct perspective on the situation.

Is it possible to remain friends after a breakup?

People who until recently were a couple find it difficult to get along with the idea of the impossibility of restoring such a situation. Therefore, often in a conversation about the need to break up, you can hear the phrase “stay friends.”

There could be two reasons for this:

Uncertainty about the decision.
Fear of gossip and unpleasant conversations.

In the first case, you need to understand the relationship and finally make sure of one of the options.
Weigh all the positive aspects and evaluate the significance of the negative ones. Perhaps you can put up with them for a long time or you are already used to them. In the second case, cast aside all doubts and part ways. Gossip and gossip are an inevitable stage, which a calm appearance and self-confidence will help you survive. Is it even possible to remain friends after a long romantic relationship? This is only possible when spiritual communication becomes more important than physical communication. But this will require that emotions subside and grievances be forgotten.

What definitely should not be done6

The list of things that are prohibited during a breakup is small, but it clearly outlines how to leave a girl in such a way as not to end up registered on a dating site for gays. So, here's a list of all the "don'ts":

Scandal, insults, humiliation during a showdown
Breaking up via SMS and calls
Address physical attractiveness: flaws in appearance and figure
Projecting a friend's future loneliness
Disappear from life without dotting all the i's
Treason without cover
Advertise new relationships

Advice from psychologists

Psychologists insist on the need to survive the breakup so as not to return to the idea of renewing the relationship. Each stage after a rupture can be smoothed out:

Denial – any thoughts that arise about a temporary cessation of communication should be smoothed out by returning to the list of shortcomings compiled in preparation for the conversation about the breakup.
Anger - active sports that require energy will help. Running, dancing, boxing and swimming are suitable.
Bargaining – when trying to return, remember your sense of self-esteem.
Depression - in this state, a change in activity, departure, a new hobby or travel will be useful. With a limited budget and time, you can try to change your area of residence or go to a country house for the weekend.

Starting a new life after a breakup is always a long and painful process. It will require determination and confidence in the decision made, so be prepared for difficulties. However, further continuation of unpromising relationships is even worse.

Do you really want to break up?

Before breaking up with a girl, a guy needs to sincerely and honestly answer the question: does he really want to break off the relationship? It will be very easy to break up, but to return the girl if it turns out that she is loved, it will be difficult and sometimes almost impossible.

Separating on your own means losing trust in yourself if you suddenly decide to return. In order not to aggravate the situation with rash actions, it is better to judge everything carefully.

Understand the true reasons for your desire:

Have you lost interest in the girl? Looking at her, does nothing shiver inside you? When she is offended, do you bear it indifferently and calmly? Do you look at other young ladies, seeing your future with them? Most likely, you really fell out of love. If there is emptiness inside, then your decision to leave will be correct.
Are you in a fight with a girl? Are you mad at her? Are you just bored, although you still think about the girl's feelings? Do you just want revenge? Most likely, your decision to leave will be wrong. You have feelings for a girl, even if not love. The breakup will hurt your feelings, you may want to get the girl back, the feelings after the breakup will be unbearable.

Of course, only the guy can decide whether to break up with the girl or not. It’s simply suggested that you do exactly what you really want.

Try to get rid of sentences with indefinite constructions

No, this is not advice to students in the “Elocution” discipline, this is a recommendation to those guys who don’t want to make their girlfriends cry by mumbling something unintelligible during a breakup.

When you talk to her, get rid of phrases like: “I don’t know if I love you or not.”

“,” “
I just still can’t decide whether I need you now or not
,” “
I can’t understand whether we should break up or not
.

Believe me, it’s almost impossible to endure this. Any of us would tear up at your uncertainty.

Don’t be lazy and think in advance about how you feel, weigh the pros and cons of breaking up in private, and then tell her something specific. Alternatively: “Listen, I think it’s better for us not to see each other for a while. It will be better this way"

. Then explain the reasons for such a statement.