A man is a manipulator in a relationship, how to beat him

Who is a manipulator?

Manipulation is exerting a harmful influence on others. And men who attack the mental and emotional parts of the victim to get what they want are called manipulators. They seek to create a power imbalance and take advantage of the victim to gain power, control, benefits, or privileges at the victim's expense.

Some psychologists describe manipulators as narcissistic individuals who constantly tell others what to do and how to act. When in fact they have no interest in the person except as a means to enable them to gain control over him.

A manipulative man often twists or distorts the words and deeds of the victim so that they become barely recognizable to her. He can play the victim, making the woman seem like the one who caused the problem in the relationship.

The manipulator can be passive-aggressive or sweet one minute, and the next minute he can be standoffish to keep the victim guessing, fearful, and uncertain.

From the very first meeting, he manipulates the initial impression of himself in order to appear respectable and sincere. He wants the woman to think that she has met a good man who is friendly, helpful, caring, hardworking and considerate.

His goal is to create a very strong, attractive image, knowing that first impressions are often decisive. When the victim of his manipulation feels very good, then she cannot think rationally or logically, even if family or friends warn her about the danger. This is where the phrase “love is blind” comes from.

Later, the victim wonders where that wonderful man went? But it never existed. It was just a mask to attract a woman and lure her into a relationship before she recognized his true colors.

The manipulator can be a colleague or a pick-up artist whose goal is to seduce a girl. This could be a man, a mama's boy, who wants to raise his own self-esteem.

Features and behavior of manipulators

Most manipulators have three features:

They know how to find your weaknesses.
Once they find your weaknesses, they use them against you.
Using multi-step machinations, the manipulator convinces you to give up part of yourself or something that belongs to you in their favor.

Manipulators and their behavior

Manipulators are often betrayed by various types of negative behavior. For example:

Excessive display of emotions.
Aggressive behavior.
Intimidation and persistent disrespect or outright neglect.

A man is a manipulator in a relationship and his signs

Knowing the signs will help women recognize a manipulator even at the courtship stage. By remaining vigilant and anticipating what might happen in the relationship, they can teach him a lesson and maintain their own self-esteem.

So, pay attention to the following signs to avoid getting sucked into a manipulative relationship.

The manipulator loves to play the victim

He never considers himself to blame for the breakup of past relationships. Everything is always the fault of the “former”, who failed to appreciate or understand him. And he really wants to connect his life with a girl who is different from other women.

Another option is to constantly claim that he has become a victim of circumstances , a kind of “hero-martyr” fighting evil for justice. Moreover, it doesn’t matter who he fights with: parents, colleagues or former women.

This is a typical technique of manipulators who pose as victims in order to be pitied and taken care of in the future. As a result, it is not they who are the victims, but gullible women.

We recommend reading about female manipulators and their ways of manipulating a man.

Manipulative man uses gaslighting

It is considered one of the most vile and insidious ways of manipulating a woman, because it distorts and even undermines her sense of reality.

Because of this manipulation, the woman begins to doubt:

the legitimacy of their complaints about insults to feelings;
in justification for mistreatment by a man.

She will be eaten up from the inside by two contradictory doubts:

or the man is mistaken;
or she is deceived by her own feelings.

Meanwhile, the manipulator will try to convince her that the first is completely excluded, but the second is the truth in its purest form. And this truth testifies to female inadequacy. This is usually accompanied by the phrases:

This has never happened before.
Something clearly seemed to you.
You're probably going crazy.
These are your inventions.
I wasn't capable of this.

Conclusion. If in communication with a man, hearing similar phrases you:

You begin to doubt your memory.
You think about your inadequacy or emotional instability.
You feel like some kind of stupid or narrow-minded woman.
See how a man constantly emphasizes your incompetence.
A man denies facts and feelings that are important to you.

This means that you are being manipulated, and your man is a manipulator.

Constantly demands proof of love

His typical approach begins with the words: “Prove that...”, followed by any condition related to his past relationships. The purpose of this approach is to force the girl to prove that she is better than his past connections and is capable of replacing any other woman.

It is precisely this kind of female weakness that the egoist manipulator is counting on. He is like a spider that has caught a girl in a web he has set up, from which it is then very difficult for her to get out.

What conclusion can be drawn if, when communicating with a guy, you have a desire to do things that previously repelled you, just to prove your superiority over other girls? This means you are being manipulated. (To avoid falling into the trap of a manipulator, learn to understand: does a man love you or not?)

A manipulative man never admits his guilt

And this is the next sign that helps to recognize male manipulation. If the manipulator does not try to pass off his mistakes as yours, then he will connect them with someone or something else.

For example, he didn’t answer your texts or calls for two days because his phone was broken or the battery was dead. He was an hour late for his date because of all the traffic jams or slow drivers, not because he forgot.

In a marriage, such a sociopath always blames only his life partner for all conflicts. All this is done with the goal of instilling in a woman a constant feeling of guilt before her husband.

Yes. some things do happen and are beyond our control. But a manipulative person never admits that his shortcomings are his own fault.

Tries to force the victim to isolate themselves from friends and family

This is the next method showing how an experienced male manipulator behaves. He knows that his victim is much weaker without the support of those close to her. At the same time, he understands that calling a woman’s friends or family crazy people will only put her on guard.

Instead, he will try to take over the mind of the victim so that she herself decides to cut off her loved ones.

What will he try to do?

He will weave stories, notice non-existent facts in order to create the impression that her friends are gossiping behind her back.
The girl will begin to build relationships against her parents as if they are hindering their happiness together, so the two of them have to be against the whole world.

Once everyone else disappears, the manipulator will by default take on the role of the most important man in the girl's life.

Punishment manipulation

To identify a manipulator, think about whether there are attempts to constantly punish you for any, and sometimes even far-fetched, offense? At the beginning of a relationship, this is disguised as innocent jokes with words like:

How to punish my culprit?
What punishment should she choose?

But in the future this will lead to real punishments or insults.

Conclusion. There is no need to be deceived about this. If you see similar warning signs in your partner, then the problem is clearly not with you, but with the fact that they are trying to manipulate you.

Male manipulation of silence

This is a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse. In which displeasure, disapproval and contempt are manifested through non-verbal gestures - fundamental silence. This is a kind of therapy with silent indifference. This behavior should be a warning sign for a girl, especially at the beginning of a relationship.

Pay attention to how your boyfriend or man behaves after any of your offenses? If he can talk for hours with people around him, but at the same time ignores any of your attempts to talk to him, then most likely you are dealing with a manipulator.

The goal of a manipulator is to force a girl to give up her principles. Wanting to break the will of his victim, he uses silence, ignoring, or pretends not to notice her presence as punishment, thereby making it clear about his displeasure.

Why is this considered a form of manipulative pressure? Because for the victim of the manipulator, this becomes torture, which she can only stop by sacrificing her principles.

A man manipulator uses the “closer-further” technique

A man can deliberately not answer his beloved’s phone calls for days on end, using the “ closer-further ” technique. Thus making your victim nervous and guessing, “what’s wrong”? The reward for her tension will be a drop of his attention, a lot of empty promises or excuses about his busyness.

Makes you feel unworthy of his love

One of the manipulator’s favorite words is “lucky.”

You are so lucky to have met a guy who doesn’t consider every girl worthy of his attention.
Yes, you are lucky that you are with me, if not for me, you would have been lost.

This is how he tries to make the victim of his manipulation feel that she does not deserve him. He can do better than a woman, so she just needs to hold on to him. But this is part of his game, the goal of which is to force the woman to do everything possible to maintain a relationship with him.

In addition, knowing typical manipulative phrases will help you understand that you are being manipulated.

Remember your worth

Manipulators take advantage of people with low self-esteem. The problem is that the manipulator also has low self-esteem, so he will look for others to control, trying to lower their self-esteem even further through insults.

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Phrases of a manipulator

“You said you loved me.” The essence of this phrase is to force you to accept his offer. If every time you hear “you…”, then they are trying to manipulate you or impose a course of action that you do not like.
“It’s hard for you to prove it, show it, do it, admit it.” The purpose of this phrase is to encourage the girl to prove the opposite of what was just said.
“If you don’t do this, then we will break up or run away” are the next tricks of the manipulator. The goal is the desire to intimidate the girl with separation. Therefore, when you hear the combination “if... then...”, be sure that the man is manipulating you.
Barbs, jokes, followed by apologies like: “Who would need such a fat girl? Don't be offended, it was a joke." Hearing this, think about whether a manipulative guy truly loves you if he has two faces in his relationship with you?
The words “never, always, always, everything.” For example, “You always don’t like the way I behave.” Or “all normal men never do this.” With these words, the manipulator tries to persuade the victim to his point of view, to impose his will.
“Nobody wants to understand me; no one loves me” - typical manipulative phrases designed to appeal to a woman’s innate sense of pity and desire to help.
“Yes, you’re right, I’m such a bad klutz.” These confessions can be manipulative if the man is not truly repentant and does not consider himself as such.
“But Petya’s girl can do this.” Or “unlike you, Sveta does this...”. Constant comparisons of a girl’s abilities and actions with other women. What is the goal? Get the desired reaction from her. How to beat a manipulator in this case? Respond with similar phrases: “I’m happy for them and their abilities.” “Yes, all Svetas are like that.” “Wow, how lucky Petya is.”
“I will marry you. I promise to turn your life into a fairy tale.” Promises can be so convincing that there is no doubt about their sincerity. These promises should be alarming, especially at the beginning of a relationship, especially if they are followed by some requests or conditions.

When to ignore and not give in

In what cases should you not succumb to manipulation:

When a man’s desires sharply diverge from a woman’s values.
When there is a gross invasion of the personal space of a wife or girlfriend.
When a man goes too far in manipulation.

When to ignore manipulation or give in:

When it is in the interests of the family, even when the interests of any of its members are violated.
When a girl wants to confront a man because of wounded pride, and not because of objective necessity.
When the desire to resist arises due to the girl’s infantilism.

How to deal with a manipulative man

Take the initiative. When you hear manipulative phrases, immediately take the initiative. For example, saying this: “This is your opinion, I don’t think so and in general this topic is closed. That’s it, the conversation is closed and is no longer discussed.” It works very effectively and is really simple.
In the case of gaslighting, when you are tormented by doubts about your own rightness, then listen to your inner experiences. Tell your friends or psychologists about them, who will help you gain a sense of reality that the manipulator wants to destroy. Your task is to find a foothold among other people.
Convict the thief on the spot. This method for brave girls is to say directly: “You know, it seems to me that you are manipulating me and not telling me something. Let’s stop this practice and not come back to this again, okay?” By exposing the manipulator with this, you will cut his threads and make him feel the “burning earth under his feet.” A manipulative man is afraid that he will be found out.
Once you find yourself in the clutches of a manipulator, do not be afraid to ask for help. Try to find people who can return you to the real world, which the manipulator managed to replace. Turn to friends, relatives or psychologists for help, because it is extremely difficult to get out of the clutches of a manipulator on your own.

Usually, the victim’s self-esteem is so low due to psychological violence on the part of the manipulator that she simply no longer has enough strength to act independently.

We suggest reading these articles: How to recognize psychological abuse in a relationship? And secondly, how do perverted narcissists affect the personality?

4 tips on how to resist a manipulative man in a relationship

Identify the problem and name it

Pretty obvious start. If you want to fight something or get rid of something, first admit it. How do you know you are dealing with manipulation? Learn to trust your feelings and intuition more than the manipulator.

If you feel uncomfortable in a relationship with a man. The soul and body often rebel against injustice against you, and your own self-esteem becomes lower every day - this is an alarm bell that should not be ignored.

(Learn the typical signs of low self-esteem in a woman so you don't let a manipulative man hurt you even more.)

Stop feeding false illusions about his re-education

An even greater self-deception is to think that you can conquer him, make him fall in love with you, or be able to beat the manipulator and live with him.

Sooner or later, your relationship will definitely become a codependent relationship, in which the roles are divided into tyrant and victim.

Don't be afraid to appear firm and always assert your personal boundaries.

This is the next piece of advice on how to get rid of a manipulative man. Feminine firmness disarms him and does not allow him to be used for selfish interests.

Therefore, set the boundaries of what is permitted as early as possible. Let him know how a man should treat you and what will happen if he violates these boundaries. Don't accept excuses for unacceptable behavior. Stand your ground and be prepared to accept the consequences of your decision.

Eliminate the manipulator from your life

If he is unwilling to change and you are unhappy with the dynamics of the relationship, then it is time to end the relationship and separate. If nothing works, then by all means leave!

"I need…"

Say directly what you want from the manipulator: “I need you to stop insulting me,” “I need you to talk to me calmly,” “I need you to take care of this yourself.”

When you start by telling the manipulator “I need it,” this is a strong counter to their tactics. You are simultaneously saying no to what the manipulator wants and replacing it with what you want instead.

“It’s better for me now...” is another way of saying what you need and refusing the manipulator’s requests. When dealing with such a person, it is best to focus on your own needs. You give up what the manipulator needs and replace it with your own needs.

How to communicate with a manipulative man

Consciously ignore him . By humiliating others, the aggressor wants to gain a sense of self-worth, which is like a drug for him. It benefits the manipulator when the victim he is processing is worried about his words and cannot find a place for himself. So she focuses completely on him. This is exactly what the manipulator wants.

Therefore, you need to deprive the manipulator of attention and then he will have to look for it elsewhere.

How can I do that?

You don’t have to answer him or explain anything, you just need to ignore him. If you can’t completely ignore, but want to respond to offensive remarks, then use the “majority opinion” technique .

The goal of manipulators is to sow doubt in their victim about the correctness of their point of view. This means that you can protect yourself from a manipulator and put him in his place if you show that his point of view is wrong. For example, you can say the following: “very significant people agree with my point of view, to whom you are clearly no match.”

Conditional situation

The manipulator offended you with some sarcastic joke in order to continue mocking your vulnerability, saying: “You just don’t have a sense of humor.”

How to respond to this manipulator?

For example, like this: “Among normal people, a good joke was always considered to be one that brought a smile not only to the joker, but also to the person being joked about. And if it’s funny only to you, then I’ll disappoint you - this is not a joke, but stupidity.”

This way you let him know that your opinion agrees with the opinion of a large number of normal people. You can also support your words with a famous quote or aphorism of a world famous person. Then he will no longer have to argue with your opinion, but with the point of view of famous and respected people.

Simply ignore all further attempts to influence you. This will raise your self-esteem, because the verbal victory is yours.

(We advise you to find out how a woman can increase her own self-esteem and become much more self-confident?)

Summarize

What did we learn from this article?

That a manipulator is a wonderful actor who brilliantly plays the role of a victim.
When he wants, he can “shed tears like a river”, fake love, joy and other emotions.
In order not to fall into the trap of manipulation, you need to carefully observe the actions of those who, from the first days of meeting you, claim that they love you, try to make you feel with their tears, or ignore your feelings.
Avoid becoming a victim of a manipulator, beat him or even teach him a lesson and put him in his place, perhaps if you know how to behave correctly with him.

In this video you can learn ways to communicate with a manipulator and how to resist his manipulations.

Source:
verywellmind.compsychologytoday.comfocusonthefamily.com

Reasons for manipulation

Why do people deliberately manipulate other people?

The manipulator is not confident in himself; he wants to assert himself at the expense of the woman. But he doesn’t trust anyone, so he uses constant control through manipulation.
The guy is afraid of emotional intimacy. In order not to experience deep feelings, he learns to manage both his own and other people's emotions.
The manipulator lacks self-esteem, which he makes up for with the woman’s energy. After encounters with such a person, the victim feels emotionally and physically exhausted.