Ego is not the enemy. The enemy is an idealized image of oneself. Defending an illusion is an exhausting and futile battle. Stop pretending and start accepting.
The ego gets a bad rap—it has become the villain of self-help. We associate it with arrogance and self-confidence. That is why we want to get rid of this enemy. However, the problem is not our ego, but your illusory self-image. According to psychologists, if we didn't have an ego, we would become mentally ill. It acts as a mediator between the unconscious and the conscious. Your relationship with the ego can turn it into either an enemy or an ally. The ego causes a lot of suffering, but it can also save you from further pain.
Ego is a lie
“The ego is the worst fraud we can imagine,
when it comes to confidence."
— Dr. Yoav Dattilo
Our ego is a curious beast: most of us are not aware of its existence, but it indulges us.
We typically associate the word “ego” with arrogance, pride, or selfishness. However, our ego is something completely different, it enhances our best or worst side. This is why the ego is the worst scammer when it comes to confidence: we end up accepting an exaggerated version of ourselves .
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The illusory Self is a fascinating fantasy, so we give in to our ego. We allow it to rule our lives without any resistance.
The ego hides in the last place you would look for it: inside yourself. It plays with you, masquerading as your thoughts and feelings. When you believe that you are your ego, you will do everything possible to maintain this illusion.
When you want to be perceived as the smartest boss, the most beloved mom, the most skilled negotiator, the kindest woman, the funniest guy, the most creative writer—insert yours—you let your ego take over. You identify yourself with only one aspect - maintaining this ideal image becomes a matter of life and death.
In wanting to preserve our illusory Self, we not only place hope in an impossible goal, but also cause harm to ourselves and others. People are willing to lie, kill, cheat, hide, or steal in order to protect the boundaries of their ego. If someone criticizes this “ideal side,” they take it personally—they feel like their entire identity is under threat.
Why is this happening to me? Everyone wants to be with me. Why is this man attacking me? Nobody listens to me! We are self-centered, all we can hear from our lips is “I-I-I.” We believe that everything revolves around us. We judge what happens through a self-centered filter.
The paradox of an unhealthy ego is that although it appears to be a confidence booster, it actually causes more harm.
- By comparing ourselves to others, we create self-doubt.
- Pursuing endless ambitions, we end up with disappointment.
- By pretending that everything always happens the way we want, we end up with bitterness and disappointment.
An unhealthy ego is a deceiver; do not believe that your illusory Self is the real Self.
The true essence of man
But the human self carries within itself another part, pure and flawless - the True Self. And if the ego is a person’s weakness, then the True Self is his strength, his creative component and the path to genius. Besides everything, when a person comes to his true essence and follows the path of life's destiny, external intention turns on, and then the whole Universe helps the person. As you can see, in this case there is no longer any need to defend yourself and bend the whole world under you. I hope the arguments are compelling, shall we continue?
We don't need another ego
“The larger a person’s head becomes, the easier it is to take his place.”
— Henry Courtney
Most people believe they know themselves, but in reality, less than 15 percent do. Egocentrism or a distorted view of ourselves makes us a victim of the illusory “I”.
The ego is your “I”—it hijacks your thoughts, beliefs, memories, and emotions, whether they are good or bad. The absence of ego would be catastrophic, it takes over your thoughts, beliefs, memories and emotions regardless of whether they are good or bad. However, the problem is not with the beast itself, but with the role it plays. Without it we would become helpless or mentally ill.
The ego relentlessly seeks attention and power, which undermines the goal we want to achieve.
Dealing with an unhealthy ego is exhausting. In an effort to become more important, richer, smarter, better, stronger or more attractive than others, we constantly experience fatigue and self-doubt. You don't need another ego; you just need to be yourself.
Our ego loves security, certainty and repetition. It makes us feel comfortable, reinforcing an idealized version of our self. If people threaten this illusion, we turn them into enemies. This is why ego-driven people engage in constant battles—they want to protect a fragile sense of who they are.
The funny thing is that we fight to maintain an image that no one believes in except ourselves. Your biggest enemy is your inner perception, not your ego.
Self-identification through achievements
The false ego makes a person the Master of this Universe and exalts him above others. It seems to say to him: “Look what a musical masterpiece you wrote! But this crowd can’t do that!”
or “Look how beautifully you sing. No one else can do this. You're the one!" or “Look at what a beautiful Instagram post you wrote! Yes, you are several heads taller than others! You can make money on these suckers."
These are all false beliefs that only drag you down.
What people
Who think that they have created another masterpiece/know and understand more than others/are faster and stronger in sports and much more. These people usually boast about their creations, masterpieces.
And also because they read more classical literature, know a large number of works, go to the opera or know how to make money in NL. And so on and so forth.
How to fight
Understand that all creations are creations of the Universe or the Great Source. And man is only an observer in life. He served as a receiver of brilliant thoughts and was able to translate the idea into reality.
The birth of the ego
“The ego is a way of organizing oneself; it comes from the intellect when the mind becomes clear.”
— Mark Epstein
You exist; therefore I exist—that is how the ego is born.
French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan developed the concept of the "mirror scene" to describe the phenomenon when a child begins to distinguish between self and others - encountering our reflection in the mirror makes us realize that we are independent. The ego is born out of fear and isolation. It creates our identity and separates us from others even in early childhood.
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The birth of the ego, according to Chögyam Trungpa, is the process of identifying one’s “I” in the framework of opposing oneself to others. Before we are aware of our own existence, we are opposed to others. We want to win them over, creating a snowball effect that feeds passion, aggression and ignorance.
Our ego blinds not only us, but also others. We want to impose our capabilities on other people - whatever we see, we want others to see it too. We believe that our vision of the world is the world.
The illusion of “I” goes beyond an unrealistic vision of who we are. We want to preserve this image forever.
We cling to the illusion that our “I” is unchanging, but life does not stand still. We are constantly changing—our sense of existence is not constant. We cannot carry our personality into the next life.
Many people believe that the ego is simply a source of trouble. American Buddhist monk Thanissaro Baikku teaches that a healthy, active, functioning ego is the most important tool on the path to awakening .
Western psychology and Buddhism agree that the ego is a creation - we must get it out of our minds and learn to tame our minds.
Explore your anger
Bro, are you crazy? The ego is always ready to make a mountain out of a mountain. The next time you feel a surge of anger, ask yourself where it came from. Does constructive criticism make you doubt the results of your work? Does a colleague's comment make you feel like the whole world is judging you, scolding you, threatening you? All these feelings arise as a result of your ego overreacting. Identify your triggers and work on transforming negative energy into productive energy.
The illusion of being yourself
“You are who you are when no one is looking.”
― Stephen Fry
The illusion of “I” is like a mask—we wear an identity that is not real.
When we feel attacked or panic, we create a world of duality—Chögyam Trungpa calls this the “world of ego.” This duplicitous and unnecessary invention prevents us from seeing our true selves clearly.
Buddhists recommend egolessness as an antidote to the illusion of self.
Most people associate having no ego with getting rid of it. However, this is a fallacy—the ego is necessary to guide our decisions and behavior. “Spiritual Bypass” is a term coined to describe those who use spiritual practices and ideas to escape unresolved emotional problems. We must confront our ego, not run away from it.
You have to get rid of the illusion of who you are, not the ego.
Let go of artificial ideas about who you are. Most of them were created when you were children. You have turned something good or bad into your personality: ego balancing is about accepting all sides of you rather than exaggerating one .
Egolessness is a healthy state of mind.
The ideas we have created about ourselves are fixed. Most people overreact to criticism because they have built their “reputation” on one idealized trait—if others don’t like that trait, they feel like their entire identity is threatened.
Most of us are ready to do anything to protect the illusion of “I”. When we encounter something that might harm our idealized self, we fight back.
It is important to become more aware. Mindfulness helps us not to cling to the pleasant and not to judge the unpleasant. We do not succumb to the illusion of the ego - we are more than that. You can separate stimuli from your emotional response—you choose how to respond, not your ego.
Need to be right
False ego dictates that we always defend our opinion in everything and be right in everything. The need to be right has dragged down not a single person. Unfortunately, they failed to control themselves at the right moment.
What people
Great debaters who, foaming at the mouth, will prove to the last that they are right. And every minute a huge stream of information and arguments spews out of their mouths, just so that they turn out to be right. They never compromise on their principles.
How to fight
If you recognize yourself: Don't be a slave to your false ego. There are a huge number of opinions in the world and each of them is true and correct for a certain person. It is important to accept and understand this difference. Give people a chance to simply express their different opinions.
Ask yourself: Do you want to be more right or free from prejudice? Here the choice is yours.
If you are an opponent of such a person: Do not enter into an argument. This is an empty shock of air. Conserve your energy, remember your worth and truth is in the eye of the beholder.
Turn your ego into an ally
“Yesterday I was smart, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I change myself.”
— Rumi
Many of the elements that define our personality have been inherited - we cannot do anything about them. But we can change our attitude towards them - just like with our ego.
To stop fighting reality, we must subdue our ego.
When we let go of our idealized self, we become free. Conversely, when the ego controls our life, we suffer. The “Me-Me-Me” approach is draining: making the world revolve around us is an impossible mission.
Psychologists recommend expanding the capabilities of the observing “I” - making room for self-reflection and observing oneself from a distance. Confronting all aspects of who you are is particularly uncomfortable. Make room for yourself. Observe your thoughts rather than be influenced by them; let go of perfectionism.
Buddhists talk about observing your mind—noticing your thoughts without judgment . Mindfulness is about being present in the present moment, here and now. This is the path that must be taken in order to abandon illusory ideas about one’s “I” for the sake of happiness and well-being.
The absence of ego means getting rid not of the ego, but of the illusory “I”. We must abandon the habitual patterns that we have developed over the years.
No ego means freedom—we free ourselves from anxiety to protect the illusion of who we are.
The need to have more
How many books and fairy tales have been written about the greed of having more and more. Insatiable characters became the main characters of Russian classics. Remember the old woman from “The Tale of the Goldfish”, Plyushkin from Gogol’s “Dead Souls” and many others.
What people
It's never enough for them. They are constantly trying to get more today than they got yesterday. It is these specimens that are prone to hoarding and greed. Because what they collected “the hard way” is never enough for them.
How to fight
Let go of the situation and start sharing! The thought “little, little, more, more” only slows down any processes in life. And the person will indeed receive less and less. Here you also need to take the importance off the problem and trust the Universe itself. She will bring as much as you need and even more.
It is also worth giving up excessive control over the process. Such actions are corrosive worms that begin to eat the brain, saying, “Yesterday/a year ago I earned more.”
You can fight stinginess and greed in every possible way only through generosity. Give to children, animals and other people in need. Yes, even more needy than you.
Only by giving do we receive.
Rule 1. Continue to study, despite all your credentials
You can be a recognized professional in your field, have a lot of diplomas and awards, work long and hard, but this does not give you the right to consider yourself better than others and stop developing. There are always people who are one step ahead and who have something to learn from. Remember this and don't be afraid to admit your weaknesses - this will give you the impetus to grow. True geniuses never cease to improve in their craft, they do not consider themselves exceptional and remain critical. This is a good skill.
Types and forms of unhealthy egoism
- Dictatorial egoism, or “everyone must serve my interests.”
- Selfishness of one’s own exclusivity, or “everyone should be a moralist except me if it’s not beneficial for me.”
- Anarchic egoism, or “everyone has the right to be an egoist, to pursue their own interests whenever they please.”
In my opinion, few people in the modern world mistake the latter form for selfishness. The second is called “double standards” and we have also long been accustomed to it. But the first type of egoism never goes unnoticed and is unacceptable even for a society of individualists.
Among the forms of egoism one can distinguish super-egoism and egoism-self-destruction:
- The motto of the first is: “I am everything, the rest are nothing.”
- The motto of the second: “Look what a nonentity I am.”
Sometimes selfishness is mistakenly identified with egocentrism or considered a form of selfishness. This is wrong. Egocentrism (the inability to understand the situation of other people) is a completely different topic.
