Popular author Mark Manson asked his blog readers to share their relationship advice. More than 1,500 people wrote to him about their experience. And using this material, Mark derived the basic rules for sustainable relationships.
However, first it’s worth remembering the reasons why you shouldn’t start them at all:
- Pressure from family or friends.
- Loneliness.
- Naive love. When it seems that love is the solution to all problems and the only meaning of life.
- Self-doubt or complexes. This inevitably leads to unhealthy relationships: we love our partner only as long as they make us feel better. And under such conditions, true intimacy cannot arise.
Be realistic
True love is not at all the same as romantic love, which makes us not notice the shortcomings of our partner. It's a choice. This is constant support for another person, regardless of the circumstances. This is the understanding that your relationship will not always be cloudless. This is the need to deal with your partner’s problems, his fears and thoughts, even when you don’t want to.
This kind of love is more prosaic; it requires much more effort from partners. But still, it gives a person much more. After all, in the end, it brings real happiness, and not just another short-lived euphoria.
The opportunity to leave without scandal
Have you heard a friend say: “I want an easy relationship.” Why do guys prefer romance without commitment? Relationships that are not serious are very easy to break up. Some people are afraid of affection because they have had the bitter experience of non-reciprocal love. Therefore, people do not want to repeat their mistakes. They choose the easy path of open relationships. After all, if your partner gets bored or wants new experiences, you can leave without a scandal. If there is nothing to destroy, then it is completely harmless to part. And most importantly, the partner will not be offended and make a scene.
Respect each other
This is the main thing in a relationship. Not attraction, not common goals, not religion, not even love. There will be times when you start to feel like you don't love each other anymore. But if you lose respect for your partner, you won’t be able to get it back.
Communication, no matter how open and frequent it may be, will eventually reach a dead end in any case. Conflicts and grievances cannot be avoided.
The only thing that will save your relationship is unwavering respect. Without this, you will always doubt each other's intentions, judge your partner's choices and try to limit his independence.
In addition, you also need to respect yourself. Without self-respect, you won't feel like you deserve your partner's respect. You will constantly try to prove that you are worthy, and as a result you will only harm your relationship.
- Never complain about your partner to your friends. If you are unhappy with something in his behavior, discuss it with him, not with friends and relatives.
- Respect that your partner may have interests, hobbies, and views that are different from yours.
- Consider the opinion of your other half. Don't forget, you are one team. If someone alone is dissatisfied, then we need to look for a solution to the problem together.
- Don't keep everything to yourself, discuss any problems. You should not have taboo topics of conversation.
Respect is directly related to trust. And trust is the basis of any relationship (not just romantic ones). Without it, a feeling of closeness and peace cannot arise.
Psychology of mutual understanding between a man and a woman - 5 main rules
Mature, long-term relationships take a lot of work on both sides. There is a foundation on which happy couples rest. It consists of five simple truths.
My winner
The girl has incredible power to give inspiration and energy. Sincere support can take a relationship to a previously unseen level. It is important for the chosen one that his beloved believes in him, notices even his smallest victories and reminds him of how strong he is. Don't underestimate your importance. One hint that you doubt his idea can make him abandon it.
Be the catalyst for his success. Come up with a few suitable phrases that help increase his testosterone and motivation. The more often you remind him of how smart, strong and charismatic he is, the deeper this thought will sit in his subconscious and the more important you will become to him. A man will always cherish a woman who inspires him to achieve achievements and is his powerful support. Feeling the flow of energy from the girl, he himself will want to become better, to achieve new heights. A certain energy exchange takes place, on which happy relationships are built.
Discuss all problems
If you are not happy with something, be sure to discuss it. No one will fix your relationship for you. The main thing to maintain trust is absolute honesty and openness of both partners.
- Share your doubts and fears, especially those that you don't tell anyone else about. This will help not only heal some mental wounds, but also better understand your partner.
- Keep your promises. The only way to restore trust is to keep your word.
- Learn to distinguish between your partner’s suspicious behavior and your own complexes. Usually during quarrels, one person thinks that his behavior is completely normal, while the other seems the same thing to be categorically wrong.
Trust is somewhat like a porcelain plate. If it falls and breaks, then with great difficulty it can still be glued back together. If you break it a second time, there will be twice as many fragments, and it will also take more time and effort to put them back together. But if you drop the plate over and over again, eventually it will break into such small pieces that it will no longer be possible to glue them together.
There's no need to prove your feelings
Psychologists say that only insecure individuals need constant confirmation of love. Other people do not require constant confirmation of feelings. Couples who are in a classic relationship must surprise and amaze their partner every day. Those people who choose easy relationships meet only a couple of times a week. In such a situation, there is no need to talk about love all the time. People can discuss any topic because they always have something to talk about. You don’t have to invent or compose something. You can only confess your love from time to time. Presenting gifts and flowers does not become a routine, because a person makes beautiful gestures only when he wants to please his partner.
Don't try to control each other
We often hear that relationships require sacrifice. There is some truth in this: sometimes you really have to give up something. But if both partners constantly sacrifice themselves, they are unlikely to be happy. Such a relationship will only harm both of them in the end.
Each person should be an independent person with his own views and interests.
Trying to control your partner to make him happy (or allowing him to control your own actions) will not achieve anything good.
Some are afraid to give their partner freedom and independence. This may be due to a lack of trust or self-doubt. The less we value ourselves, the more we will try to control our partner’s behavior.
How to stay interesting
To do this, you should regularly expand your horizons, show interest in new events and people around you.
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You can become a fascinating conversationalist if you have a hobby. A passionate girl will always share positive emotions and amazing facts.
Please note that feminine themes are unlikely to interest your gentleman. He will be bored hearing about outfits, celebrity romances or gossip.
However, tips on how to communicate with a guy are only general recommendations, since each case is individual. The only thing you definitely need to follow is to preserve your own identity. In the process of interaction, gentlemen are attracted to bright individuals from whom they can learn new things.
Be prepared for both of you to change
Over time, you and your partner will change - this is completely natural. Therefore, it is important to always be aware of the changes taking place and treat them with respect.
If you plan to spend several decades together, you need to be prepared for difficulties and unforeseen situations.
Significant changes that many couples face include changes in religion or political views, moving to another country, or the death of relatives (including children).
When you start dating, all you know is what that person is like now. You have no way of knowing what it will be like in five or 10 years. Therefore, you need to be prepared for the unexpected. Of course it's not easy. But the ability to quarrel correctly can help here.
Learn to quarrel
Psychologist John Gottman has identified four behavioral signs that indicate a possible breakdown in a relationship:
- Criticism of character (“You’re stupid” instead of “You acted stupidly”).
- Shifting the blame.
- Insults.
- Avoiding a quarrel and ignoring your partner.
Therefore, it is worth learning to quarrel correctly:
- Do not remember previous scandals during one quarrel. This will not solve anything, but will only make the situation worse.
- If the argument gets heated, stop. Go outside and walk a little. Return to the conversation only when you have cooled down.
- Remember, someone being right in an argument is not as important as feeling that you were listened to with respect.
- Don't try to avoid quarrels. Express your concerns and admit what worries you.
Advice from psychologists
Most often, couples break up precisely because of the unwillingness to give in or give up their positions. Therefore, psychologists say: the main thing is not to try to dominate, not to make comments on any occasion, not to be boring or too annoying. Becoming “henpecked” is definitely not part of a man’s plans. His status is important to him. He cannot withstand the pressure and sees no point in continuing the novel.
Independence and attraction to each other at the same time, this is what an easy relationship between a man and a woman means.
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Learn to forgive
Don't try to change your partner - it's a sign of disrespect. Accept the fact that you have differences, love the person despite them and try to forgive.
But how do you learn to forgive?
- When the fight is over, it doesn't matter who was right and who was wrong. Leave all conflicts in the past, rather than remembering them every month.
- No need to keep score. There should be no winners and losers in a relationship. Everything should be done and given free of charge, that is, without manipulation and expectation of something in return.
- When your partner makes a mistake, separate his behavior from his intentions. Don't forget what you value and love in your partner. Everyone makes mistakes. And if a person made a mistake, this does not mean at all that he secretly hates you and wants to break up.
Be pragmatic
Any relationship is imperfect, because we ourselves are imperfect. So be pragmatic: figure out what each of you is good at, what you like and don't like to do, and then distribute responsibilities.
In addition, many couples advise defining some rules in advance. For example, how will you divide all expenses? How much are you willing to borrow? How much can each partner spend without consulting the other? What must you buy together? How will you decide where to go on vacation?
Some even hold “annual reports” during which they discuss business management and decide what to change in the household. This, of course, sounds trivial, but this approach really helps to be aware of the needs and wants of your partner and strengthens the relationship.
Remember the little things
Simple signs of attention, compliments and support mean a lot. All these little things add up over time and affect how you perceive your relationship. That's why many people advise continuing to go on dates, going out on weekends, and making sure to find time for sex, even when you're tired. Physical intimacy not only allows you to maintain a healthy relationship, but even helps you fix it when something goes wrong.
This becomes especially important with the arrival of children. In modern culture they are almost worshiped. It is believed that parents should sacrifice everything for them.
The best guarantee that children will grow up healthy and happy is a healthy and happy relationship between parents.
So let your relationship always come first.
Learn to catch the wave
Relationships can be compared to waves on the sea. Such waves represent various emotions, ups and downs in relationships. Some last only a few hours, others several months or even years.
The main thing is not to forget that these waves themselves practically do not reflect the quality of the relationship. They are influenced by many external factors: loss or change of job, death of relatives, moving, financial difficulties. You just need to catch the wave with your partner, wherever it takes you.
Benefits of an easy relationship
It is possible and necessary to be easy in a relationship with a man. The benefits are mainly received by the woman:
- There are no restrictions on personal space. Being late at work or at a party is not met with reproach from the guy.
- There is no constraint in the domestic sphere. An uncleaned room or a dinner not prepared on time will not cause discord.
- Mutual distrust is eliminated. Freedom of action is not burdened by oaths of fidelity and eternal love. Jealousy eats from the inside - there is no ease in relationships.
- There is eternal romance, love. A simple formula for love. Meetings imply preparation for impressions and surprises. This keeps lovers on their toes.
- Regular sexual partner. There is a common opinion in society that an easy relationship between a man and a woman is free sex. Maybe. But it is the ease in relationships that pushes people towards each other. I want to meet again and again. This model of behavior in a union leads to happy marriages.
In addition, people who are not ready to start a family can easily end the relationship by mutual consent.
