If the relationship has reached a dead end and the only way out is divorce, it is important to survive it with the least possible losses, without dwelling on the problem and without plunging into depression for a long time. Breaking up is inevitably associated with emotional shock and anxiety. A person experiences collapse of hopes, pain, disappointment, and a sense of stability is lost. Both the initiator of the divorce and the one who has to live through this stage against their own will suffer. It is impossible to completely protect yourself from difficult emotions. Be that as it may, time is needed for the wounds of mutual insults to heal.
Divorce is a sad event. Look at it as a serious but completely curable disease. Recovery will be difficult and long, but it will definitely happen and life does not end there.
What you need to understand about divorce first of all
Over the years of marriage, the spouses begin to represent a single whole. Often, from a person going through a divorce, you can hear the following explanation of the condition: “as if your heart was ripped out of your chest” or “as if your hand was cut off.” A woman and a man invest strength, finances, and time into marriage. Mutual friends, family habits and traditions appear: having dinner together, going to the country on weekends or riding bicycles.
The usual life is destroyed, thoughts of loneliness enter your head, an uncontrollable desire appears to turn back time, to crawl back into your uncomfortable and unsteady, but so understandable and familiar little world. Habits give you a sense of confidence in the future, predictability, and stability. You can make plans and have certain expectations for your lover.
Breakups almost always happen suddenly. Even if the spouses live for years, as if on a powder keg, accumulating discontent, or are completely indifferent, not noticing each other, or know about the betrayals. But people are used to pretending that nothing happened and silently hoping that everything will work out.
Stages of divorce
Breaking up a relationship is a trauma and requires several stages to get over it. All complex stressful circumstances associated with loss, be it divorce, death, loss of wealth or job, are experienced in approximately the same way.
Psychologists identify five stages of loss, the main thing is to go through each of them sequentially, without overstepping or staying too long at any one.
The experience of breaking up is individual, and it is impossible to accurately determine the time spent going through each stage. The stronger the shock, the more difficult and lengthy the process will be. On average it takes from one to three years.
There are five stages of experiencing divorce:
Shock and denial
When a person is burned or cut, he does not feel anything for the first seconds, and only after a few moments does severe pain begin. In this case it's about the same. The body’s psychological defenses are activated: the woman lives in the illusion of the past and refuses to believe what happened.
The main emotion at this stage is fear of the inevitability of separation.
During this period, it is necessary to find the potential that will make it possible to overcome the fear of loss. We need unobtrusive and correct care from loved ones. In a supportive environment, release your tears and feelings.
At this stage, you can write a letter to yourself: “How will I live in the future without my husband.”
Anger and resentment
After a certain period, a person comes to the realization that nothing will change and divorce is inevitable. Despair and sadness transform into deep resentment. Anger towards the initiator of the separation grows. The question “For what?” Everyone asks themselves - the main thing at this stage is not to get hung up in search of an answer. Because he doesn't exist. A combination of different circumstances led to what happened.
At this stage, you cannot keep anger and anger to yourself, but this does not mean that you need to start a fight or create scandals. Cry, scream into the void, break dishes, constantly express your feelings, don’t be silent.
At this stage, you can analyze the situation in writing. Describe in detail the emotions and reasons for resentment and anger. Try to calm down, for example, with the help of art therapy, neurography, putting together puzzles and mosaics.
Compromise and the stage of guilt
During this period, there is a willingness to return the relationship and the other half in any way. Only the positive qualities of the partner are remembered. The abandoned wife decides to make changes, for example, change her image, lose extra pounds. A person is ready to humiliate himself, turn to astrologers, fortune-tellers, negotiate with either God or the devil - just to return the initiator of the divorce.
First of all, you need to understand whether your family life was going well, whether you really experienced happiness and whether the love was mutual. You cannot keep a person close against his will.
At this stage, work on your mistakes in writing. Describe how to fix it in the future.
Depression
The most difficult and lengthy stage is when suffering reaches its maximum. Powerlessness develops, a feeling of loss takes over, there is no longer any hope that everything will return to normal. There is a need to cut off the emotional connection with a partner, that is, to “let go” of a once close person.
At this stage, you can write a letter to your ex-half (no need to send it), indicating all the advantages of family life and the positive aspects. At the end, thank him for all the good things you had and say goodbye.
Adoption
This is the final period of separation with emotional recovery. A new life begins. It becomes clear how to live outside of marriage. Further goals and opportunities appear. Undoubtedly, a deep scar will remain on my heart forever. It is important to make it a symbol of invaluable experience and victory over the situation.
Typically, the initiator of the separation, unlike the partner, experiences the first stage even before the divorce is announced. It is precisely due to the fact that ex-spouses are at different stages of coping with the loss that during separation it can be difficult for them to agree, hear and understand each other. This is something to keep in mind.
If you understand that the periods of experiencing divorce are dragging on and you do not have the strength to get out of depression on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist.
Communication with ex-husband
It’s one thing when, after a divorce, all the connecting threads are severed, and there is nothing left in common between the former spouses. In this case, you can move to another city, quit your job, if you are colleagues, simply delete all contacts and not communicate. But what to do when you have common children or a business? In this case, no matter how you look at it, you will have to communicate throughout your entire adult life. How to build the right relationship with your ex-spouse? Psychologists give the following advice:
- The relationship should be like a business one. After all, ex-spouses are connected only by business: teaching and raising children, work or business. You just need to try to abstract yourself from all the emotions that were in the past. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always work out this way, and conflicts after divorce are far from uncommon.
- It is necessary to formalize alimony. This will save you from all conflicts in the future, and in case of refusal to help the child, there is a law against the ex-husband.
- As already mentioned, children should communicate with their father, regardless of the nature of your relationship with him.
- Sooner or later, both spouses will create new families. There is no need to make excuses for your new relationship, but you shouldn’t interfere in others either. Everyone has the right to happiness.
- Don't forget about relatives. After all, grandparents also worry about the breakdown of the family, and they love their grandchildren no less. Therefore, there is no need to limit their communication.
- If you have a common business, you need to either learn to move on with business, putting aside all past grievances, or separate.
As you can see, divorce is not a matter of one day, but a whole life stage with preceding and subsequent events. Whether you like it or not, divorce leaves a certain imprint on each of the former spouses. And only you can decide how to build your life in the future. But there is no doubt that every person has the right to a happy life!
What not to do after a divorce
When in a stressful situation, a person does not control himself and often commits rash acts. The most common mistakes:
- Start a new relationship immediately, without going through the five stages of separation.
- Build a plan for revenge. Live only with grievances and pain.
- Blaming yourself and thinking that there is something wrong with you.
- Trying to bring back the departed through manipulation, threats and humiliation.
- Suppress and hush up your negative feelings in front of your other half. Be afraid to express thoughts, it is advisable to do this without shouting, insults and hysterics.
- Express complete submission, endure mental or physical abuse in the hope of family reunification.
- Draw children into relationships, try to blackmail and manipulate them. Placing a burden of responsibility on a child causes a feeling of frailty and uselessness.
- Living in the past, idealizing past relationships, delving into memory.
- Play a victim and present the ex-couple as a “real monster” in the eyes of others.
Eight practical tips from psychologists
To get over a breakup faster, experts recommend:
Tip #1. Cry
Tears help relieve emotional stress. Allow yourself to feel, get angry, grieve, mope. The main thing is not to get stuck in sadness and depression for a long time.
Tip #2. Leaving go
Be able to muster your will and end the relationship, even if you are not the initiator of the divorce. If your ex-other half is not averse to chatting in the evening, coming over for dinner or spending the night with you, this does not indicate an intention to save the marriage. Don't allow your feelings to be played with.
Tip #3. Don't listen to other people's advice
Find a “vest”, someone who can empathize, hug, cry with you, be silent, hold your hand. The last thing you need right now is escalation of the situation and advice. Stay close to people who can properly support you and shake you up in time.
Tip #4. Keep contact with your ex to a minimum
Remove memorabilia, photographs, and gifts from your spouse. Don't hang out on social networks on his page. Don't look for reasons to meet. Maybe, when the worries and grievances pass, you will be able to communicate and even be friends. But until then, have pity on yourself and don't pick at a fresh wound.
Tip #5. Meditate and relax
Meditation is the most effective way to interrupt the flow of annoying thoughts and tame negative emotions in the soul. Use any practice you like. You can also do yoga, soak in a hot bath, walk in the fresh air, listen to your favorite music.
Tip #6. Don't forget about your health
In a healthy body healthy mind. No matter how strong the desire to lie curled up under the blanket, you should not neglect healthy sleep for 7-8 hours, nutrition (tasty and healthy) and hygiene. Any physical activity provides excellent relaxation: hiking, sports, general cleaning.
Tip #7. Start living your life
Develop yourself. Love your solitude. Do what you like. Create your social circle. In relationships, people often “lose” themselves. Many people get a second wind after a breakup, and they make a successful career or discover new talents.
Tip #8. Don't hide in the shell
At first it will be difficult to force yourself to leave the house. At first, eat a delicious cake in a new cafe, watch a movie in a cinema. Then visit an anti-cafe, take part in quests, go to the theater with a group, and engage in group sports. The more pleasant emotions, the less time for useless regrets!
parting
Differences in stages for short-term and long-term relationships
Coping with a breakup with a man with whom a woman had a long-term relationship is much more difficult than coping with the breakup of short flings and novels. Girls often fall into prolonged depression and cannot recover from the current situation for a long time. They withdraw into themselves and do not communicate with friends and family.
Psychologists recommend not to despair and look at the current situation from a different angle. Breaking up a relationship is always a chance to get serious about your career and become a professional in your field, an opportunity to start life from scratch.
Short-term romances are experienced quickly and easily . People have not yet had time to fully get used to each other, so the separation takes place without severe mental anguish and depressive states.
What books and films will help you survive a divorce?
An excellent cure for stress and depression is art. Also, with the help of books and films, you can understand yourself and find your new path.
A selection of books created with descriptions of real stories and practical advice that will help you choose solutions suitable for a specific situation:
- “A Family in Crisis” by K. Whitaker.
- “The troubles of divorce and ways to overcome them” G. Figdor.
- “The subtle art of not giving a damn. A paradoxical way to live happily" Mark Manson.
- "7 real stories. How to survive a divorce" Andrey Kurpatov.
- "Single and Happy: How to Find Your Ground After a Breakup or Divorce" by Tamsin Fedel.
- “A Child in the Carousel of Divorce” by S. K. Nartova-Bochaver.
- “When Everything Falls Apart” by Pema Chodron.
- “Getting through a divorce. Universal rules" Andrey Kurpatov.
- “Gap. Why relationships end and how to get over a breakup" by Daphne Rose Kingma.
- "Infidelity. Why do loved ones cheat, is it worth forgiving, is it possible to avoid?” M. Travkova.
- "Love. Reboot. What to do when a relationship ends" Bruce Fisher.
A selection of films about how a husband and wife did not get along, a love boat breaks up in everyday life and other problems leading to divorce:
Still from the film Divorce, American Style
- “Divorce, American Style” (2006);
- “The Divorce of Nader and Simin” (2011);
- “Loves – Doesn’t Love” (2011);
- "Divorce Italian Style" (1961);
- “Divorce in the City” (2012);
- "The War of the Roses" (1989);
- "Valentine" (2010);
- “Don’t part with your loved ones” (1979);
- "Husbands and Wives" (1992);
- "Revolutionary Road" (2008).
General procedure for divorce in the presence of common minor children
The presence of minor children complicates the divorce process. As a general rule, minors are children under 18 years of age; parents are considered to be their natural or adoptive mother and father.
Divorce in the presence of minor children occurs in the registry office (exceptional cases) or in court.
You can apply for divorce to the registry office only in the absence of minor children, a property dispute and with the consent of both spouses.
Exception : it is possible to dissolve a marriage in the registry office if there is a child in the family when the second spouse is recognized by the court as incompetent, missing, deceased, or is serving a sentence of actual imprisonment for a term of over 3 years. In such a situation, it is necessary to submit to the registry office an application for divorce, a marriage certificate, a judicial act that has entered into legal force, as confirming the basis for divorce (a court decision recognizing the spouse as missing, deceased, incompetent, or a sentence passed against the spouse) , a receipt for payment of the state fee in the amount of 350 rubles (in accordance with Article 333.26 of the Tax Code of the Russian Federation).
It is important to know : in a situation where one of the spouses has children, but the second spouse is not their father, a divorce can be carried out in the registry office.
In addition to the above cases, divorce of spouses in the presence of common minor children can only be carried out in court. The statement of claim by the spouse personally or through his representative is submitted to the magistrate or district court.
The Magistrate's Court considers cases of divorce in the presence of a child in the family in the following circumstances:
- the amount of joint property of the spouses subject to division is no more than 50,000 rubles;
- there is no dispute between the spouses regarding the further residence of the children;
- the existence of an alimony agreement or other agreement on the procedure for paying alimony for minor children.
If disputes arise about the division of property, as well as if one of the spouses does not want to get a divorce, divorce in the presence of children occurs in the district court.
As a general rule, a claim for divorce is filed in the district court at the defendant’s place of residence. However, if there is a minor child or a serious illness, the application may be submitted to the court at the place of residence of the plaintiff.
In the absence of the ability or desire of one of the spouses to participate in court hearings, the law gives him the right to use the assistance of a representative by proxy.
The statement of claim must contain the following information:
- details of the judicial authority to which the claim is sent;
- information about the plaintiff and defendant;
- the circumstances of the case and the reason for the divorce;
- information about the presence of minor children, jointly acquired property, a marriage contract, an agreement on the division of property;
- reasons for leaving the children with the plaintiff;
- the plaintiff's demands (divorce, payment of alimony, division of property, determination of the place of residence of children).
In addition to the statement of claim, you must provide the following package of documents to the court:
- receipt of payment of state duty in the amount of 650 rubles;
- marriage certificate;
- children's birth certificate;
- alimony agreement (if available);
- marriage contract (if available);
- power of attorney if a representative of the spouse goes to court.
Before starting the consideration of a divorce case in the presence of minor children, the court gives the spouses the opportunity to reconcile and provides a period of three months for this. If there is no progress in the relationship between the spouses, the court begins to consider the case.
If all the necessary documents are provided to the court and the parties appear at the court hearing, then the consideration of the divorce case may be limited to one trial.
At any time during the court hearing, parents have the right to agree on who the child will stay with, what will be the procedure for the interaction of the second parent with him, and what amount of child support payments he will pay.
At the end of the hearing, the court makes a decision, each spouse receives a copy of the decision and is sent to the registry office to receive a certificate of divorce.
Please note : a court decision on divorce with minor children is a confirmatory fact of divorce. But if one of the spouses expresses a desire to remarry, then he will need to obtain a certificate of divorce from the previous marriage.
If one of the spouses fails to appear at the court hearing, the court postpones the consideration of the case and re-notifies the spouse of the need to appear in the courtroom. If the spouse repeatedly fails to appear, the court considers the case in his absence and makes a decision in absentia on divorce. The absent spouse has the right to appeal such a decision within 7 days.
It is important to know : the court makes a decision on divorce in the presence of children only if it is convinced that all the rights and interests of the minor child are respected. That is, during the court hearing, the court must establish that the child will live and grow up in a favorable environment, is financially secure, the divorce of his parents will not affect his psychological and physical health, and living with one of the parents will not deprive him of the right to communicate and meet with second parent.
