We are sitting in my kitchen, Lilka drinks tea and is sad. She's going to get a divorce. The love somehow passed unnoticed, all that remained was sheer irritation with each other. Plus, her husband has a midlife crisis and a certain person has appeared on his horizon. I feel sorry for her. Once upon a time I went through all this.
I married for love. During our marriage, we had two wonderful daughters, and it took us a year and a half to decide on divorce. A year and a half of thoughts, reflections, endless introspection, worries about the fate of children, acceptance and non-acceptance of myself and the current situation... For a year and a half, my emotional state changed dramatically dozens of times a day, from “we will survive all this and live happily” to “tomorrow we must submit an advertisement for the sale of an apartment.”
A year and a half of conversations with my husband about how we should live further. I did everything to save the family, I think he did too, but in the end we filed for divorce.
Lilka is not one of those women who, during a divorce, turns children against their father and forbids them to see each other. The spouses have no irreconcilable differences. Each of them has a good position and salary accordingly. They have the opportunity to exchange their large apartment for two. Grandparents on both sides dote on their only granddaughter, so they will love and spoil her in any case.
I’m trying to convince unfortunate Lilka that divorce is not the end of everything, but the beginning of a new life. That if a mother smiles and laughs, then her daughter will feel good next to her. But if mom walks around the house with her head down, looking like a beaten dog, then this makes her daughter feel bad, even if dad is nearby.
This is exactly how I see my friend now, who was once the life of the party, in whose eyes the cheerful sparkles never disappeared, even after failing the exam. In this state, she can hardly give her daughter the love and care she is capable of.
- But the child will receive psychological trauma! - this is my friend’s main argument.
— And when mom and dad argue almost every day, and your daughter hears everything, isn’t this psychological trauma? – I retort.
Should parents “protect” their child from divorce, giving him in return a family where there is no love, harmony, or support between adults? Or should they protect him from scandals and abuse? Of course, for Lilka’s daughter, a divorce will not be in vain, but seeing her parents unhappy is also stressful.
You have to choose the lesser of two evils, and sometimes it is very difficult to make the final choice. We do not know what the fate of the children will be, and we cannot predict how the divorce will affect the future life of the child. There are an endless number of options for the development of family scenarios, here are a few of them.
Scenario one: like mom and dad
Masha had a happy childhood. Mom and dad lived in perfect harmony. Every Saturday, my mother cooked borscht with pampushki, while my husband beat out the carpet on the street. After school, the daughter returned home, the whole family had dinner and then leisurely got ready for a walk in the park.
Masha grew up and married a worthy man. Now she cooks borscht on weekends, while her husband vacuums while waiting for the children from school. Then the whole family goes to the dacha. Everyone is happy, there are no psychological traumas, but the case is extremely rare.
A woman is stronger than a man
It is a fact. In verbal duels, no man can defeat a woman (the great lawyer in every woman dies) who are unpredictable, resourceful, agile. Women's cunning, or wisdom, turns into sophisticated torture. You've probably heard a lot of tales and anecdotes about wives who are grumpy and nagging husbands. There are not a lot of counter examples. Men act. And “they don’t eat the brain out with a teaspoon.”
Therefore - to women: carefully analyze if a cold shower called “my husband wants to divorce me” suddenly poured out on you, but didn’t it just happen that you simply “fed him”?
Scenario two: something went wrong
Katya had a happy childhood.
Mom and dad lived in perfect harmony. Every Saturday my mother cooked borscht with pampushki... Katya grew up and married a not very worthy man, as it turned out. She, just like her mother, diligently cooks borscht, but her husband is lying on the sofa at this time. She goes with the children to the park, and he and his friends go to the bar. She studies physics with her son in the evening, and he studies anatomy with a young intern.
Her life did not go according to her parents’ scenario at all. And now the same psychological trauma that did not exist in a happy childhood overtakes her in adulthood. Family life failed, Katya is unhappy.
FAQ
The following are answers to questions related to the topic of marriage with children and regarding the advisability of maintaining it.
Is it possible to revive cooled feelings for your wife/husband?
Yes. But this is not always possible. The banal advice is a change of scenery. Taking a vacation together, a weekend getaway, or having a new experience in the same bed (with your partner) are good ways. The choice of one method or another is based on which particular area has become stagnant. No common interests? Find them. Are you depressed by the unfair distribution of responsibilities, against the backdrop of which warm feelings are increasingly replaced by anger? Tell your partner. These are just examples: there is a place for compromise in any case. Any problem can be solved.
What is the importance of family for children of different ages?
It is most significant for small individuals who have just begun to develop and understand the essence of things and phenomena in the world. Toddlers, for example, are not so susceptible to events. Teenagers often become completely alienated from their families due to youthful maximalism and a sharp restructuring of the mental and physical spheres. However, in any case, remember: children, regardless of age, feel and absorb everything. Even if they don’t or can’t talk about it. Only a strong family, based on the principles of mutual respect and warm feelings, influences them positively. Otherwise, its significance as an institution and union, as an association with the word “home” is diminished and even becomes the cause of a negative impact on the formation of personality.
What are the advantages of divorce?
Depends on the situation. If there are no reasons to maintain the relationship, if the number of “against” outweighs the number of “for”, then there are a lot of pros. This is the absence of stress, depression, and negativity. This is a direct way to avoid the already indicated probable consequences (psychosomatics). This eliminates the possibility that children will develop and grow up under the influence of negative attitudes.
How to maintain friendships after divorce?
Here are 5 steps:
- Forgiveness of grievances.
- Accepting that your partner is also a person.
- A break. Sometimes you need to cool down to become more objective.
- Rational distribution of parental and other responsibilities during a divorce and for the period after.
- Excluding extremes.
If you have problems with this, try making an appointment with a family psychologist.
Have you ever tried to revive your partner's cooled feelings or your own?
No. Why do this? I think this: no matter how much you reheat cooled coffee, it will no longer be as tasty as fresh coffee.
0%
Yes. I did it. I was able to configure both myself and my partner correctly.
66.67%
Yes, but nothing worked out...
0%
No, I don't have that experience.
33.33%
Voted: 3
Scenario three: does it happen that you don’t need a family?
Nastya had a happy childhood. Mom and dad lived in perfect harmony. Every Saturday my mother cooked borscht with pampushki...
Nastya grew up and married a worthy man. She diligently prepared borscht for him and almost cried at the same time. It seems that everything is fine, she, as a mother, should be happy in her marriage, her husband adores her and is ready to carry her in his arms, and she loves him too, but it’s just that everyday life spoils everything.
After two years of internal struggle, she realizes that she doesn’t need a husband, a child, a cozy home, quiet family evenings, or this unfortunate borscht - and files for divorce. All my friends, having learned about this news, are shaking their heads. Neither her parents nor her relatives support her.
And she doesn't need a family. She would like to go rafting down a mountain river with her colleagues on Friday evening. She should take a vacation at her own expense in February and go to a ski resort for two weeks to learn how to snowboard. She would binge-watch all the episodes of the new season of her favorite TV series, and wouldn’t care that there’s a mountain of dishes in the kitchen and the plaster is falling off in the hallway. And she needs an appropriate man: a long-awaited meeting, so that sparks will fly, and then she may not see each other for a month.
Family life is not hers, she understands that. Every time, returning to her bachelor pad after a family celebration with her parents, she smokes all night and cannot sleep. Hundreds of questions flash through her head. Why couldn’t she keep the family together, like her beloved parents, like her sister and her husband, who are so happy together! Why isn't she like this? She doesn’t want to have a husband or children - is this normal? What will happen in old age, and who will give her a glass of water? Or maybe there’s something wrong with her head, and it’s time for her to see a specialist?
The relationship has reached a dead end
If a husband and wife have opposing opinions on every issue of living together, raising children, and intimate relationships and do not want or cannot find a compromise solution, then trying to save such a marriage will be extremely difficult.
The decision to divorce is influenced not only by the opinions of the spouses themselves, but also by relatives and friends. Often, having realized that divorce is inevitable, spouses, especially wives, live together for a long time, fearing that divorce will cause a negative reaction from others. In such a situation, it is necessary, first of all, to follow your own desires and needs, and not the opinions of third parties.
And before you make your intention to divorce a reality, you need to honestly answer yourself whether you really want this or not.
Divorce is stressful and psychologically traumatizing for each partner. The statistics of post-divorce problems are disappointing: every eighth woman commits suicide, more than half suffer from severe depression that requires treatment. Men who initially believe that newfound freedom or a new girlfriend is a reason to start a new rosy life, after a few years they begin to suffer from post-divorce depression and every third is ready to reunite with their ex-wife.
On average, returning to “normal life” takes 1-2 years. It is after this period that you will be ready for a new productive relationship. But for this to happen, it is necessary not to revel in self-pity, not get out of bed and not rush into all seriousness, drowning out the pain.
Difficult period
The most difficult period is the first weeks after a divorce. Devastation, resentment, fear of the future, loneliness cover us like a wave. At this time, paradoxically, it is necessary to give free rein to the negativity: cry, speak out. But prolonging this period is dangerous - this is the path to depression. So what to do next? Maximum program:
- -maximum activity: physical, business, communication.
- - many pleasant experiences: meeting friends, new hairstyle, spa treatments, traveling.
- -maximum employment. Try to have as little time as possible left to think about what happened.
If “heavy” thoughts still visit and carry you into the abyss of melancholy and hopelessness, use visualization techniques: imagine yourself after some time happy, successful, loved and loving. Start believing it - and the universe will hear your request.
And, most importantly, sincerely forgive your ex-spouse. Then the process of “recovery” will accelerate many times over. Evaluate your new position in terms of freed up time. After all, now, without looking back at your ex, you can plan and realize the dreams you want.
Divorce is not a catastrophe on a universal scale, but only a revolution: old values are overthrown in the name of building new ones
This topic is relevant and almost inexhaustible due to the fact that in modern society the institution of marriage is experiencing a crisis. According to statistics, every second marriage breaks up. The severity and complexity of living through the life situation of divorce are such that the stress experienced during divorce is equated to stress due to the death of a loved one. In this article, I decided to highlight my experience as a psychologist with women experiencing divorce at the initiative of their husband, because the overwhelming majority of women turn to a psychologist in a situation of divorce.
Grief and loss
Grief and loss is an emotional state, the first stage of which is shock. If a woman was not ready for a divorce, did not suspect her husband’s intentions, she experiences a deep shock. A person wants to cry, sobs may come. This is all a natural reaction to what is happening. Unfortunately, many people still have the opinion that you shouldn’t cry, it’s shameful, and sometimes the reaction to other people’s tears is comparable to the horror of a natural disaster. Meanwhile, tears are the soul’s way of relieving its pain. The more we hold ourselves back, the worse we feel.
By refusing to cry, we avoid encountering feelings of grief, sadness, melancholy, loneliness, and therefore avoid expressing these feelings in crying. Thus, we continue to carry them within ourselves and the mental pain does not become less. American biochemist William Frey found that tears caused by grief remove toxins and stress hormones from the body, that is, in other words, he scientifically substantiated the need to cry.
But the mental pain that women talk about is almost unbearable, “you want to howl like a wounded animal.” Pain overshadows everything; it seems so huge that there is nothing else besides it. A person is alone with this pain. Questions come: “Why do I need this?”, “What was done wrong?” Believers are trying to see what happened as punishment for their sins. At this time, the presence of a close, caring person - a friend, relative, psychologist - is especially important to support the woman, listen and just be there.
Scenario four: I feel sorry for mom
Olya did not have the happiest childhood. Mom and dad were constantly fighting. Dad drank periodically, mom periodically made scandals. Dad was sometimes late from work, while mom was crying in the bathroom, thinking that no one knew about it. Mom went to the dacha on the weekend, while dad defiantly watched TV. Then there was a short lull-truce, and then everything went in a circle.
The parents did not love each other, and the daughter saw this very well. But mom and dad stubbornly maintained the marriage “for the sake of the children”!
Olya grew up and married a worthy man. Everything is fine in their family, no one drinks, no one stays late at work, the two of them go to the dacha. Often after meeting her parents, who still live together, she thinks about the fate of her mother and feels sorry for her.
It turns out that her mother, the person closest to her, was unhappy all her life. She lived and continues to live with an unloved person, with whom they do not even have common interests, she tolerated, and maybe still tolerates, his betrayals, and all this for the sake of her and her brother. What would my mother’s fate have been like if she had filed for divorce? Maybe she would have met a worthy man and been happy with him, or would she have simply lived quietly with her children separately from her husband, without seeing his spree and infidelity?
Olga sometimes feels guilty that her mother is unhappy, although she mentally understands that she is not responsible for her choice.
Learn to distribute responsibilities
Don’t know how to save a family if your wife stops loving you? Try to return the old feelings to your soulmate by completely changing your life together. However, try to pay attention to absolutely everything. For example, many women feel that all household responsibilities fall on them: cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, childcare, gardening, and so on. How can you talk about love when you work all the time except sleep?
Try to help your wife by taking on some of her responsibilities. It will be much easier for a man to cope with this or that job, and women are designed in such a way that they also want to spend a little time taking care of themselves. To prevent your everyday life from turning into mutual reproaches that one party or another does not fulfill its obligations, make a specific list or even a work schedule that will allow you to cope with your home routine much faster.
Scenario five: I know what divorce is
Vera did not have the happiest childhood. Mom and dad were constantly fighting. Dad drank periodically, mom periodically made scandals...
The parents did not love each other, and the daughter saw this very well. And then one day, after another major scandal, mom and dad called Vera into the kitchen to have a serious talk with her.
They talked at length and at length about life and at the end told her that they wanted to get a divorce. They asked her not to worry or worry that she would have the opportunity to see her father at any time.
But Vera wasn’t particularly worried or worried. Even though she was 8 years old, she understood perfectly well that her parents were unhappy, and it would be better for everyone. The girl did not suffer any psychological trauma during the divorce. She still has a good relationship with her father.
Vera grew up, married a worthy man, diligently cooked borscht and donuts for him on weekends, while he vacuumed. Then they and the children went to the park. And this went on for exactly 10 years, until another woman appeared in her husband’s life.
The husband struggled with temptation for a long time, suffered and hid his feelings, but in the end everything came out. Vera did not turn a blind eye to her husband’s betrayal “for the sake of the children”, but filed for divorce. She decided to follow the example of her parents. Since childhood, she learned that it is better to be happy separately than unhappy together.
She and her husband divorced peacefully and in a civilized manner, and now they calmly communicate when necessary. Psychological trauma, it seems to her, was avoided.
What to do if your husband cheated, but wants to save the family
What a woman should know in this situation:
- Emotions of anger, resentment, humiliation are natural . For all this to pass, it takes time – most often at least a year.
- Under no circumstances should a wife turn her husband’s guilt into a tool for manipulating him (many women get carried away with this and the relationship eventually falls apart). Blame can only be made up for by actions.
- It is necessary to receive compensation from the husband and from life for the damage caused . In one case, as compensation, the husband was assigned a year of impeccable attention to his wife (gifts, beautiful leisure time together, compliments, in addition, the husband always went straight home from work). The man accepted these conditions, and after a year his wife was really able to trust him again.
Family quarrels and their destructive impact on the strength of the family
Any psychologist will say: “You need to quarrel, but it’s important to do it right!”
A quarrel is a certain point that demonstrates the differences between two people, and gives a reason to move not only the body and tongue, but also the brains. Important during quarrels:
- Don't stoop to stupid insults.
- Do not raise your voice to the point of screeching (but if you know how to scream beautifully, then why not).
- Do not criticize your opponent's personality.
In general, behave with dignity and manage quarrels as a tool, using them as another way to get to know each other better . Insurmountable disagreements do occur, but they are very rare.
Alcoholism and family: is it worth saving the family if the husband drinks?
About 40% of all marriages break up due to alcohol abuse. However, here we will not talk about situations where the husband’s alcoholism is accurately diagnosed and the social, material, and personal losses of the family are obvious - this is a separate broad topic.
It’s better to talk about those situations when a woman herself provokes her husband to run away from her into alcohol . Alcoholism is a disease and should be diagnosed by a specialist. There is a concept - standard consumption, and it is calculated based on the patient’s body weight. It is also important what impact alcohol has on a man’s life. After all, it is quite likely that he drinks a lot, but does not suffer from a hangover, and calmly goes to work in the morning.
Women who have experienced childhood trauma associated with alcohol begin to fear even one drink. Seeing the ill-fated glass in the husband’s hands, they take it, control it, saw it, make a comment, worry. The reaction of one husband of one of our patients was: “Why are you making me an alcoholic!” And in that situation, the successfully earning family man was absolutely right. His wife persecuted him with her control and inadequate attitude towards alcoholic beverages.
