Pleasant moments and beautiful photos together, passionate nights and tender touches, memories of mutual “Yes”... How all this warms the soul while you are in a relationship - and what severe pain it causes when the decision to divorce is made. It seems that life will no longer sparkle with the same bright colors, will not be filled with the same light and joy, will not bring so much tenderness and smiles. Is it so? How to survive the period of separation and breathe deeply again?
Each couple comes to divorce in their own way - everyone has their own reasons, their own arguments and their own motivation for this decision. However, divorce never comes as a bolt from the blue.
There are always prerequisites. There is always intuition. There is always the opportunity to return everything.
You know, it's like cooking. Imagine that getting to know each other is kneading dough, adding various ingredients to it for the taste, aroma and structure of the baked goods. The decision to get married is the moment you put your cake in the oven. You check, set the temperature, preheat the oven, turn on convection if necessary. And marriage itself is the time when you bake the cake...
And it seems that everything is simple - I set a timer and turned off the oven at the sound signal. But there are force majeure events! The same goes for divorce - if a burning smell starts to come from the oven, then something is going wrong. And the sooner you smell this smell, the greater the chance of saving your culinary masterpiece.
But now the masterpiece has burned down. Happens. Does this mean you'll never be able to bake something as delicious as you planned? No, you absolutely can do this. And therefore, you should not equate your separation with your ex-spouse to grief on a universal scale. Yes, this situation is very sad, unpleasant - and you need to live it, let it go and prepare for the moment when you can knead the dough again.
How to do it? Is it possible to close once and for all those issues that won’t go away? How to survive a divorce and become happy again? I offer you four steps to help you prepare for your new life.
We went through a divorce. What's next?
Your recovery may take a couple of months, six months, a year or even two. Believe me, you will feel it when it happens. Until then, be energized and developed, invest time and resources into becoming the best version of yourself as an individual, as a professional and as a woman.
But don’t put off the goal “To meet your dear, only, dear person and build a long-term, happy relationship with him, which will later develop into a family.” Start moving towards this goal now.
Here is my author's algorithm for a happy marriage.
- Determine the starting point - your roles and mistakes in the relationship. You will do this in the 5 steps that we discussed above. Of course, it’s more effective to turn to a specialist - this way you can analyze your mistakes much deeper and from different angles, and the process of analyzing your roles in relationships and working on mistakes will go much faster.
- Conduct a subtle internal and external transformation of yourself. This point includes not only the gym for “minus 3 kg,” but also the ability to present oneself, creating a harmonious image and acquiring the right, giving energy, mastering self-presentation skills, external and internal transformation. It is at this step that you prepare to meet the man of your dreams - you clear your emotions, upgrade your image so that it matches your goals, learn to communicate and correspond with men, go on dates successfully, etc.
- Entry into the world of men. At this stage, you need to learn how to quickly determine whether a potential “suitor” is suitable for your purpose or not. It is also here that you begin to actively meet and communicate. Moreover, your task is to do everything to be an interesting and desirable woman, to inspire men to communicate and get closer. Aim for 10-15 dates per month.
- The stage of creating relationships that lead to marriage.
- Marriage itself and deepening, improving your relationship with your husband throughout your life.
It seems that the algorithm is simple and every woman knows about it even on an intuitive level, but this is only imaginary simplicity. So get rid of all the emotions that are associated with past relationships (we discussed how to do this above). And then write to yourself 5-7 steps that you will take in order to pass the first 2 points of the algorithm.
Remember the proverb “They knock out a wedge with a wedge”? The same thing happens in relationships - in order not to sit and dwell on the past, you need to think of the desired future for yourself and move towards it. And then there will be no place or time left for worries.
How do men cope with divorce?
Modern society today perceives the breakdown of marriage as almost the norm. At the same time, any factors can become reasons for breaking the “chains” of Hymen, from minor domestic discord to domestic tyranny or betrayal.
Depression after divorce manifests itself as a persistent decrease in mood, inability to concentrate, and slowness of speech. A man simply doesn’t want to do anything; nothing can give him pleasure.
People are accustomed to believing and instilling in their offspring from childhood that men are not subject to emotions, they are strong and persistent. In fact, men can sometimes experience the breakdown of a family more strongly than their counterparts.
Depression after divorce in men occurs due to loss of stability, wounded pride, change in social role, longing for the past, children, which leads to a change in the divorced person’s behavioral pattern, his character, and habits. Some men, after being freed from the bonds of Hymen, immerse themselves entirely in work, others plunge into a “whirlpool of passions,” and still others fall into “alcohol networks.”
After the divorce, men are prone to self-destruction; they cease to value their own existence and often commit ridiculous, dangerous acts. Another unpleasant, but often encountered scenario is the inability of a man to completely let go of his ex-wife. He can secretly spy on his ex, study her online life, and interfere in her real life. In the worst situations, such men can threaten their spouse with suicide if they do not return everything back.
The picture can become more complicated if there are joint offspring who are having a hard time experiencing a parental divorce. In addition, children often become hostages of the scenario played out by their parents, the subject of speculation and blackmail, which has a detrimental effect on the mental health of children. If a man was the initiator of the breakup, then the burden of guilt regarding the children begins to weigh on him.
Depression after a divorce from his wife can overtake the male half for various reasons, the key ones are given below:
– disruption of the usual way of life;
– feeling of uselessness;
– fear of losing their offspring (often women play an ugly game, using their own children as a weapon and a means of punishing ex-spouses, preventing them from meeting, pitting children against their fathers);
– if the spouse was the initiator of the breakup, then this can significantly lower a man’s self-esteem;
– if the initiator was the spouse, then an oppressive feeling of guilt arises before the offspring;
– disappointment in the inspired desire for a “free life”, the understanding that freedom did not live up to expectations, and the new companion is no better than the previous one.
Depression after divorce can be expressed in men by the following manifestations:
– violation of mental operations (decision-making skills, concentration, and ability to remember suffer);
– abuse of alcoholic beverages or other psychoactive drugs;
– attacks of anger and aggressiveness, directed not only at one’s own person, but also externally;
– loss of interest in the professional environment, hobbies, career achievements, material well-being;
– persistent feelings of guilt, pangs of conscience or a feeling of inadequacy;
– nutritional disorders;
– decreased potency;
– chronic fatigue, loss of ability to work;
- suicidal thoughts.
Test for symptoms of depression in men
Psychiatrists diagnose the disease and determine its severity. It is difficult to make a diagnosis on your own, as well as to develop treatment tactics. Despite the fact that there are enough tests on the Internet for diagnosing depressive conditions and various scales, this method alone is not enough to clarify the diagnosis.
“In psychiatry, a diagnosis is established based on a person’s current mental state, life history and examination using tests,” comments psychiatrist Christina Wirth. “A diagnosis can only be made based on a combination of factors.”
At the appointment, the specialist evaluates the person’s behavior, clarifies the life history, causes and duration of the depressive state, and offers to fill out a test as an additional diagnostic method.
For self-completion, the patient uses the Aaron Beck test, where you need to select answers from groups of statements based on your condition over the past week. Another well-known test for diagnosing depression is the Hamilton Scale; it is completed by a doctor based on a professional assessment of the patient’s condition and behavior. This test is not suitable for self-diagnosis.
Causes of the disease
These manifestations become a “marker” of processes that occur inside the body. Scientists have not yet figured out the causes of depressive disorders, but they agree that dozens of biologically active substances in the body are involved in them.
Clinical depression in men is not just a bad mood. This is a disease that affects the hormonal and immune systems, but mostly affects the functioning of the brain, as it disrupts the production of neurotransmitters responsible for emotions, reaction speed and performance.
Some external “push” usually leads to the development of depression:
- problems at work;
- dismissal;
- dissatisfaction with personal relationships;
- lack of career growth and financial well-being.
At different ages, the reasons may be different, but the processes occurring in the body of a man at 30 years old with depression do not differ from those at 40 and 50 years old. An external push triggers a cascade of biochemical reactions in the body, and it is not always possible to stop them on your own, without the help of a specialist.
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Eight practical tips from psychologists
To get over a breakup faster, experts recommend:
Tip #1. Cry
Tears help relieve emotional stress. Allow yourself to feel, get angry, grieve, mope. The main thing is not to get stuck in sadness and depression for a long time.
Tip #2. Leaving go
Be able to muster your will and end the relationship, even if you are not the initiator of the divorce. If your ex-other half is not averse to chatting in the evening, coming over for dinner or spending the night with you, this does not indicate an intention to save the marriage. Don't allow your feelings to be played with.
Tip #3. Don't listen to other people's advice
Find a “vest”, someone who can empathize, hug, cry with you, be silent, hold your hand. The last thing you need right now is escalation of the situation and advice. Stay close to people who can properly support you and shake you up in time.
Tip #4. Keep contact with your ex to a minimum
Remove memorabilia, photographs, and gifts from your spouse. Don't hang out on social networks on his page. Don't look for reasons to meet. Maybe, when the worries and grievances pass, you will be able to communicate and even be friends. But until then, have pity on yourself and don't pick at a fresh wound.
Tip #5. Meditate and relax
Meditation is the most effective way to interrupt the flow of annoying thoughts and tame negative emotions in the soul. Use any practice you like. You can also do yoga, soak in a hot bath, walk in the fresh air, listen to your favorite music.
Tip #6. Don't forget about your health
In a healthy body healthy mind. No matter how strong the desire to lie curled up under the blanket, you should not neglect healthy sleep for 7-8 hours, nutrition (tasty and healthy) and hygiene. Any physical activity provides excellent relaxation: hiking, sports, general cleaning.
Tip #7. Start living your life
Develop yourself. Love your solitude. Do what you like. Create your social circle. In relationships, people often “lose” themselves. Many people get a second wind after a breakup, and they make a successful career or discover new talents.
Tip #8. Don't hide in the shell
At first it will be difficult to force yourself to leave the house. At first, eat a delicious cake in a new cafe, watch a movie in a cinema. Then visit an anti-cafe, take part in quests, go to the theater with a group, and engage in group sports. The more pleasant emotions, the less time for useless regrets!
parting
Children
If you have children together or children who consider your ex-husband or wife to be their parent, this can complicate the divorce process. Since the partnership ends after a divorce and the parenting relationship does not, you will have to learn to negotiate with your ex-husband or wife for the benefit of the children. You may have to talk to him/her almost daily, or see him/her at school or extracurricular activities. And even if you and your ex-spouse seem to be having an easy time co-parenting children, this constant interaction can make getting over your divorce more difficult.
The face of depression
Each couple separates in their own way, some are already living a separate life while married, and divorce is just a legal formality.
And for some, the news of a breakup becomes a real tragedy that needs to be accepted and somehow survived.
In any case, after the breakup of a family, men and women experience a psychologically difficult time. The question arises - how to return to normal life and harmony within yourself?
In some cases, the “victims” of divorce become depressed.
Psychologists define this illness as an affective state accompanied by the following symptoms:
- negative emotional background;
- passivity of behavior;
- changes in cognitive ideas;
- change in the motivational component.
To put it simply, a person sees life in black terms without any chance of a happy future. Therefore, he has a bad mood, sad notes and loss of strength. Any attempts to encourage the “poor fellow” to take any action come across the question “why, if nothing will change anyway?”
