Life after a divorce from your wife: recommendations from a psychologist

05/12/20215 minutes read 621

It is believed that divorce is more difficult for a woman; for her it is much more difficult morally and financially than for a man, because she is left alone, most often with a child, maybe even more than one. Society overnight takes the position: a woman is a victim, and a man is a tyrant, abandoning his family and children to the mercy of fate. However, this is not always the case; it is worth taking a closer look.

According to WHO, divorce has a severe impact on men; they suffer from depression 2 times more often than women. Divorce is the finale of a broken relationship, a complex stressful situation that is comparable in tragedy to the loss or death of a loved one.

We can say with confidence that a man’s life after a divorce is far from being as cloudless and easy as it might seem.

Quote When people get divorced, it always seems like such a tragedy. Meanwhile, the decision to continue living together can be a tragedy.

Monica Bellucci

There can be a huge number of reasons for divorce. The main ones are:

Treason;
Domestic disagreements;
Bad habits and addictions of one of the spouses;
Birth of a child;
Differences in values, goals in life, interests.

Divorce can be divided into two types. The first, where the decision was made by both parties, both spouses came to the decision that it was necessary to separate. The second and most common type is where the initiator is one party.

Divorce has several stages:

Deciding on separation, weighing and thinking.
Emotional divorce.
Legal and financial divorce.
Parental and social.
Adaptation after divorce.

The vicissitudes of fate - it is impossible to be prepared

When life gets better (events are developing well in many or all areas), there is no reason to think about sad things. Moreover, even the accidental birth of such thoughts in the head does not find a logical continuation. The person does not want to allow even a shadow of sadness, refuses to feel the slightest negative emotions. This is a conscious choice, conditioned by experiencing positive moments: joy, happiness against the backdrop of financial well-being, an abundance of things, food, the presence of your beloved wife nearby, improving your own character qualities - self-development.

But life cannot stand still, and living infinite happiness is akin to stopping development. After all, changes happen only through pain. A person who is satisfied with himself does not need this. This means that you cannot get used to positive moments and expect them to last forever. Then you will have to regret it, but time is lost.

The death of loved ones is the worst thing that can happen, because something can no longer be corrected. In order not to be broken when the death of your wife occurs, you should not constantly concentrate on what you have achieved during your lifetime. We must allow the mental loss of everything we have. It is important to understand that death and life are two sides of the same coin. By denying one of them, you will never be able to achieve true happiness, because you need to go against nature.

It is impossible to prepare for the death of your wife, but it is possible to at least reduce the intensity of pain and feelings of guilt if you accept the likelihood of death.

Psychology of men after separation

When it comes to men going through a divorce, it can cause some anxiety, not only because the breakup with their wife makes them lose their sense of identity, but also because they are still stigmatized by our society. Society forces men going through divorce to pretend to be calm and confident despite the fact that at this time they are suffering from unbearable pain and agony living inside them. And this is very harmful to their mental health.

There are many other clichés that prevent men from fully expressing their pain and sharing it even with their close friends. Take, for example, popular phrases such as “big boys don’t cry.” If men adhere to these mantras most of the time, then it will indeed be very difficult for them to cope psychologically and physically with divorce.

Here are some tips from a psychologist on how you can overcome divorce with its emotional turmoil and start a new life. The advice includes tips for divorce that cover both the practical and emotional aspects of life, as well as things you might want to avoid to avoid causing more pain.

How men cope with the death of their wife

When a tragedy has already happened, this event still happens unexpectedly, even if the woman was sick. The main question a man asks after the death of his wife is “why did this happen to them.” But there is no answer, which causes great agony. If the wife dies, the spouse, as a rule, rushes to one of the extremes:

grieves greatly, is detached from the people around him, from the whole world, lives alone, and at the same time accepts what happened, although he feels the pain of loss, but cannot fully survive it;
leads a wild life, but not of his own free will, but forcedly, because he cannot reduce the pain in other ways, so he tries in every possible way to distract himself from it, to drown it out, not realizing that this is a path to nowhere;
decides to throw himself headlong into work, tries to find in this way a way to create balance, the former balance in life, but hard work, both physical and mental, cannot eliminate feelings, but only pushes them into the background, only hidden living entails more serious consequences than external grief.

How to communicate

Unfortunately, it is impossible to immediately cut off all contacts. Often unresolved issues remain: joint business, children, court, division of property, etc. It is better to reduce all conversations to purely business issues, rather than personal experiences and accusations.

When discussing business, you need to speak calmly and politely. This won't be easy, so it might be worth inviting a third party. If you feel like you’re about to lose your temper, you should ask to postpone the conversation for a while or discuss it by correspondence.

Not all women know how to separate with dignity. It will take effort to succumb to provocations and offensive words. But this is necessary: firstly, a quarrel is a personal thing, and the relationship must be maintained as purely businesslike. Secondly, such words can only be her emotions that she wants to throw out on someone. If you take them personally, she will lash out more often.

You need to keep things separate as much as possible. It’s good if there are no points of contact at all.

Negative feelings towards your ex-spouse can be debilitating. Therefore, it is better to get rid of them, especially since it only harms the one who experiences them. Over time, you will be able to treat her simply as a person, and treat the breakup as a fact.

How to better cope with the situation without going crazy

Life after the death of your wife will not immediately return to normal; first you will have to go through all the feelings that arise at this stage: denial, resentment, anger, despair, aggression, acceptance. Depression is one of the dangers along this path. But a man whose wife has died can improve his life. To do this, you need to try to perform simple steps.

Do what you have to do

After the funeral of your beloved woman or spouse, you need to listen to yourself. The heart will tell you what to do next, how to relieve the pain, improve your condition. At the first stage after the loss of a loved one, such a desire does not arise. First you need to grieve, survive the death of your wife, accept this fact. Only after this will there be a need to live on, to change something. Until then, attempts to return to the previous way of life may mean exposure to pressure from friends and relatives who want to “help” and get out of oppressive circumstances faster.

You need to give yourself time to get through difficult moments. If you set a deadline (six months, 1 year, etc.), rushing will not lead to anything good. The grieving process should happen naturally. Exiting this state too quickly indicates the replacement of feelings, burying them at the bottom of the soul.

Your main support is friends and family

You don't have to try to cope with pain alone. At the first stage this is normal. However, soon the desire to communicate appears, you want to talk out, share memories. This is how the magnitude of grief decreases; a person quickly accepts what happened when he feels support. But it is important to find contact with those relatives and friends who can really understand the grieving husband of a deceased woman. For some it is father, mother, for others it is brother, for others it is a friend or uncle, or maybe a colleague. The attitude must be sincere.

Redo all unfulfilled tasks and fulfill unfulfilled dreams

To go further, it is important to increase the intensity of energy exchange. Among other ways, intensification of activity is noted. The griever should set a goal to complete all the things that were previously put off. But this is not enough to feel the fullness of life. We need to set new goals. For example, if there are unrealized dreams that were difficult to realize while married, now is the time to do so. You can go on a trip to an exotic country or assemble a car yourself. Such actions will inspire a man.

Let go of the past

As you experience the emotions, the pain goes away. But this does not happen right away. This feeling almost always remains, people learn to live with it, but the intensity of the pain decreases, which allows them to coexist in a new state. This is an acceptable reality, one can live in it without the risk of psychological trauma.

Silent pain gradually transforms into memories, leaving only a light trail of nostalgia and sadness. When stronger emotions remain, it is better to try to abruptly cut off the connection - move, change jobs, find a new occupation. This measure is effective if many years have passed since the death of the wife, and the dependence on the past is still quite strong.

New responsibilities

When a man is left alone without a wife, he has more time. After the first period of sadness has passed, during which there is a desire to be alone, apathy, you can consider looking for a hobby, new interests, and activities.

This will also help the grieving person survive the loss of his beloved wife.

Common mistakes men make during divorce.

The most common mistakes after divorce:

Hasty entry into new relationships or chaotic, numerous connections. In this case, the wedge cannot be knocked out with a wedge. A man very often after a divorce strives to start a new relationship, thereby proving to himself, his ex and society that he is in demand, stroking his pride, drowning out the feeling of melancholy. As practice shows, new relationships against the backdrop of old wounds and grievances will not be successful and will also fail.
Conflicts with your spouse, showdowns, and disputes will only lead to increased stress on both sides.
Self-isolation. Cutting off ties with society, friends, relatives, the desire to sever all social ties, self-flagellation, searching for a problem, soul-searching, endless analysis of the situation, isolation will only worsen your well-being and situation.
Alcohol, drug abuse and other types of psychological and chemical addictions.

Memory Page – Album for Memories

Preserving memories is one of the important tasks during the grieving period. A man, not knowing how to cope with the death of his wife, may get rid of her things after some time. He will think that this will help him cope with the loss and experience difficult emotions. But you need to do the opposite: the deceased wife should not be erased from memories, over time the pain will subside, and a desire will appear to leave something as a keepsake. You need to leave photos, favorite things, they should be preserved, for which you use a box or an album.

How to get your ex-wife back after divorce and is it worth doing?

Often, after some time, you are overcome by the desire to return everything, your wife, family, past. It is important to realize the sincerity of your intentions. If you are bored with your bachelor life, your numerous intimate life did not live up to expectations, freedom no longer seems so sweet, there is not enough care, you come to understand that your wife was the best, so dear and familiar, then perhaps you should think about it.

Do you miss your ex-wife or your family, everyday life, or serious relationships? Very often, having had a good time, a man tries to improve his relationship with his wife and wants to get her back. However, this desire is more often associated with the desire to have a family, simply a readiness for a new, serious relationship. And the ex-wife has nothing to do with it.

It is possible that you should try to start a new relationship, try to open your heart to another woman. It is extremely important to identify your feelings.

If you understand that you still love your ex-wife and want to reunite again, you need to identify the problems that caused the marriage to break up, because neither you nor your wife have changed over the past time, and are unlikely to change, that is, you will have to change your attitude towards certain things or behavior. Of course, it’s worth asking your ex-wife if she also has a desire to restore the family.

Just because someone doesn't love you now doesn't mean they never loved you.

Children are the best source of help

If a married couple has children, after the death of the spouse they will help fill the void left in the heart. During his wife’s lifetime, the man shared responsibilities with her in caring for the children, but after death, all worries will fall on his shoulders. However, there will be more joyful moments, because now you will need to spend a lot of time with your children. They will help you survive the loss: they will distract you from painful thoughts, increase happiness, and fill you with new memories. But first, an assistant will be needed to organize everyday life when the man continues his life without his wife.

If you have common children

Children have a particularly hard time when their parents separate. They feel like they are part of both mom and dad. Fathers, in turn, have a hard time worrying about the fact that his wife and child left - after all, this is his whole family, and he, unlike her, was left alone.

Parents will be required to create a schedule according to which the child can communicate with each of them. It’s good if, at the same time, they themselves rarely intersect: for example, on some day the dad will pick up the child from school or from relatives.

If the mother does not allow her to see her children, it is worth consulting with an experienced lawyer and, perhaps, resolving the issue through the court.

You can't let difficult feelings affect your children. Speaking badly about their mother will reflect poorly on them. It is much more important to reassure them of your love, to encourage them to share their feelings - even if you have to listen to the same thing a hundred times.

A breakup is a difficult test even for the strongest men. But if you control your feelings and make wise decisions, life will continue, and there will still be joyful moments in it.

Oksana, Moscow

How celebrities deal with losses

Death is a part of life, you don’t want to remember it, but sometimes you have to face the consequences. Famous people at different times had to think about how to survive the death of their wife:

Pierce Brosnan: lost his wife after many years of marriage, but after 7 years he coped with the loss, met a woman with whom he was able to build a family again;
Konstantin Khabensky: after the death of his wife he remained alone for a long time, he was very upset by her departure, but one day he realized that he was ready for a serious relationship with a colleague, his second wife helped Konstantin create new pages in the history of his life;
Keanu Reeves: he does not talk about the death of his girlfriend and child, prefers to keep the pain to himself, lives it in his own way - he walks a lot alone, communicates with the homeless, but recently the guy met another woman, for the first time in a long time he began an affair with continuation.

New relationship after wife's death

People experience the loss of a great love in different ways. Some find themselves in work, others continue to live calmly, without stress, in complete solitude. But almost everyone sooner or later thinks about a new beginning, allows themselves to want a serious or at least fleeting relationship, to stop suffering, to meet the woman they love.

It’s often scary to think about this, because... a feeling of guilt arises. It seems that the death of his wife obliges the man to grieve until his last days. But everything is quite the opposite - the late wife would probably want the father of her children, who is going through a difficult period, to find a loved one.

My son’s wife died, and there was no one to support me except me. He was broken, and it didn't get better for months. We spoke like men, but my child is impenetrable - he got it into his head that he was guilty. Then I remembered what they say in films. I decided to tell him this: “Look at the situation through the eyes of your wife. She wouldn't approve of that decision, knowing that you weren't actually responsible for her death." And after that he seemed to understand, he began to come to life - man, I’m proud of him.

Support, psychological help - this is the territory of my wife, she was the best in such matters. But now I needed to talk, and she wasn’t there. I won’t go to a psychologist, I decided to seek help myself. I found a psychological forum. It turned out that you can even write anonymously here. I created a post and immediately received dozens of comments. And this turned my grief - I was distracted, and also spoke out. After people responded to my post, I felt lighter. I stayed there for a while, came in sometimes, but didn’t write comments. And recently I noticed that there was a desire to support one guy, I shared my story, this also inspired me.

Denis Loginov

Requests for help

Write your story

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I thought it would be easier for me when he left me.
No, it's hard. I blame myself for letting my 6 years be stolen, for allowing myself to be used, for humiliating myself in front of him when we broke up, and he threatened me that if I didn’t leave him, he would do bad things. Julia, age: 30 / 11/21/2021

Responses: 9 (+2) Read in full I don’t have a husband or children, never have. I thought that I would have all this with Sasha, but he left. I sometimes think that it would be better if he killed me than like this... I can’t cope with it.

Love, age: 26 / 11/20/2021

Replies: 13 (+2) Read in full Now I’m trying to distract myself and generally forget about him, but he periodically reminds me of himself. It’s a pity that I spent a year on him; it was still worth meeting other people.

Donya, age: 34 / 11/15/2021

Responses: 3 Read in full And to this day I have never been able to let go of this person, that time when I was 13 and everything seemed unrealistically difficult, but I believed that at the age of 16-17-18 everything would definitely be fine for me !!! However, now years have passed, and time has not healed me.

s, age: 17 / 09.11.2021

Replies: 5 Read in full I didn’t log into WhatsApp all day and didn’t even open its emoticon. I waited the whole day. He didn’t even write that maybe something happened to me, since I don’t answer or log into WhatsApp. The next day I started logging into WhatsApp, but I didn’t open its emoticon until the evening of the next day.

Sonya, age: 33 / 11/09/2021

Responses: 12 Read in full We are not officially divorced yet. By the way, he didn’t stop drinking, according to him, he still drinks now, the fairy knows, while he’s silent. She had never met a man like him.

Elya, age: 39 / 11/08/2021

Responses: 10 Read in full Now I’m 35, and I have the feeling that 4 years of my life were simply wasted on this swing. I don’t want anything from him, my only desire is for him to leave me alone.

Vera, age: 35 / 11/08/2021

Replies: 9 Read in full 2 years have passed, and I still can’t forgive myself for what I did, why I told him about another person, I don’t know. If I hadn’t said anything, my husband would have been alive, and I don’t know how we would have lived further.

Elena, age: 43 / 06.11.2021

Responses: 5 Read in full And then 1.5 months ago, my wife got into our relationship. She began to cry and say how bad she felt, that she was lonely and still loved him. Although she was the initiator of the divorce. And she could return it at any time even before our meeting. She called him and he went to her.

Sovushka, age: 49 / 05.11.2021

Responses: 8 Read more Married for 16 years, son is 7 years old. I left two days ago and fell in love. For the last six months I have become cold, I have not had sex, I am tired and want to sleep. I believed, even though it was offensive. I myself made a lot of mistakes in my family life, I wanted to be strong and independent. It hurts, it hurts a lot.

Anna, age: 40 / 11/04/2021

Responses: 11 Read more A couple of weeks later we met. The girl told me that she has no feelings for me. Plus she remembered various little things that offended her. After this there is no contact. It's hard to believe that this is possible. I tried to meet her and talk.

Andrey, age: 31 / 03.11.2021

Replies: 5 Read in full Recently, my hopes were dashed: that woman returned to him and he easily made it clear to me that he was indifferent to me. And I was already carried away by him, fell in love like I had not been in love even before my pregnancy and his first betrayal.

Olga, age: 35 / 03.11.2021

Responses: 5 Read in full I experienced a double betrayal from my husband and my so-called girlfriend. I have two children, 7 and 2. Almost a year has passed since I found out about my mistress; I found out that it was my “friend” 5 months ago.

Natalya, age: 36 / 03.11.2021

Responses: 11 Read in full The divorce is finalized. The debt for alimony is more than 100 thousand. The apartment will be sold by the bank for its debts. I invested my previously sold and maternal capital there. The children and I were left with nothing.

Olena, age: 38 / 11/01/2021

Responses: 3 Read in full And now the baby and I have been living together for a month now. He blames me for the breakdown of the family, agrees to the divorce, says that it’s all my fault, the fact of betrayal has not been proven, I kicked him out undeservedly, and now I get what I get. That there were feelings, but I ruined them with my behavior.

Ice, age: 25 / 11/01/2021

Responses: 10 Read in full 4 days ago my husband left me. We dated for three years, married for a year. He said that he couldn’t live with me, that I had a lot of problems that I couldn’t solve on my own. I really have a lot of problems.

Lassie, age: 28 / 31.10.2021

Responses: 5 Read in full He didn’t call me for a month, so I refused to meet, and he disappeared, apparently, he went to option number 2. Knowing all this, I cannot part with him completely. I have developed an addiction and I don’t know what to do with it, I’m afraid I’ll never meet anyone again and I’ve gotten used to his care.

Rosemary, age: 40 / 10/29/2021

Responses: 8 Read in full 8 months have passed since that day, I am still neither alive nor dead. And recently, problems started at work, and now I again found something hastily, so as not to be left without a livelihood with my child. He helps for now voluntarily, but it is unknown how long he will last.

Yana, age: 35 / 10/28/2021

Responses: 21 Read in full In a word, nothing began to suit him in the house and he again went to his mother and now lives there. I myself understand everything that this is not normal and you just need to get your things together and let him go. But I can’t, it’s like I’m dying without him...

Elena, age: 39 / 10/26/2021

Responses: 18 Read in full That a loved one has been lying and lying for so many years. That I'm nothing to him. He threw me out of his life. He kept me close for intimacy, burned through my years and left after finding someone. He brought her home to his mother, despite the fact that we had not yet divorced. I imagine divorce with horror. It's like seeing a dead person. I want to hug him and cuddle him so much, but he just hates me.

Longing, age: 29/20.10.2021

Responses: 19 Read more 1

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Psychologist's opinion: life goes on

Khalzanova Svetlana Borisovna

Practical psychologist

The phrase “life goes on” means that a person must make attempts to return to work, study, and loved ones after experiencing grief. But many people put their own meaning into such words: you need to forget the past, plunge into the present with renewed vigor, and actively build the future. Because of this, many mistakes are made. It is necessary to experience grief, but after this the person will need to fill the resulting void. From this moment you can begin to build a new life, preserving the memory of the past.

How to survive the death of your wife: advice from a priest

Father Vladimir

Clergyman

You need to stay close to your loved ones. If you need peace or need to have a heart-to-heart talk, your family will support you. Most often there is no need to advise someone who is grieving. Such a person needs understanding, first of all. Advice, sympathy, compassionate words - all this allows you to calm a person, but only on the surface. There is a lot of pain in the soul, it cannot be relieved in this way. But you can always come to God and talk to him. It can soothe the pain of the soul and give strength to survive difficult moments.