Is this normal?
First of all, let's talk about the word “hate.” Just because you call a feeling that way doesn't mean you really mean it. In practice, people often use the word “hate” to slightly exaggerate their view of someone or something they find annoying.
Sometimes when you feel hatred towards your ex-husband after a divorce, you may actually be feeling something else, such as resentment or disappointment, but you are not naming it correctly.
Once you identify the specific source of this emotion, it will be easier to correct it.
When a divorced person becomes angry or hurt, they may feel deep hatred. And that's quite normal. Years or even decades later, we may be afraid to let go of that anger. Then resistance to moving forward begins, since there is no willingness to separate from our suffering.
Start a new relationship
After a breakup, “scars” often remain that are difficult to heal and distrust is manifested towards all representatives of the stronger sex.
And as practice shows, some girls can “transfer” their hatred to a new partner, which will destroy the new relationship in a short time.
Therefore, it is important to remember only one rule: a new relationship is a blank slate. Negative experiences should remain in the past. Taking him with you into a new relationship, you will always feel maximum discomfort and stress.
Why is this happening
It's not that we experience some kind of perverse masochistic pleasure in feeling connected to the person we're “done with,” although we may wrap the pain and suffering around us like an old, familiar blanket.
One of the reasons why an ex-wife hates her ex-husband is that by remaining angry, we can take revenge and show the other person how deeply he hurt us with his outrageous behavior. As we move forward in our lives, we may feel as if we are letting a criminal go.
Additionally, there is the illusion that if we cling to our justified hatred and suffering long enough, the other person will finally see and understand how much they have hurt us and will feel just as bad, and perhaps even worse! It's a powerful and comforting fantasy, but it's just an illusion.
How to let go of hatred and make plans for the future again?
First of all, understand that your husband is the same person. Even the worst husband in the world, like everyone else, also wants to be happy, wants to be loved. There are reasons for the way he acts that are hidden from him. He himself does not know what he is doing.
Secondly, look for implementation. A woman often feels bad also because she doesn’t know how to enjoy life and doesn’t know enough about her strengths. Her husband made her happy. She was used to receiving all the good things from him, and when he left, she lost herself.
Ignorance of your desires does not allow you to enjoy life. When it is unknown where pleasure comes from and how to get it, it is impossible to neutralize negative feelings.
Hatred as a Form of Attachment
Often an ex-husband or wife hates their partner after a divorce because they are afraid to let go of their anger because it strangely keeps them tied to the person who hurt them. Hate is a form of intense (albeit negative) attachment, just like love.
Both forms of emotional connection keep us close to the other person, which is why so many couples are legally divorced but still emotionally together. If you can't talk on the phone or be in the same room with your ex-spouse without feeling your stomach clench with emotion, then you're still connected.
Detachment can provoke great anxiety and require great courage.
When we let go of our hatred of our ex-husband or wife (which does not necessarily mean forgiveness) and begin to allow joyful feelings into our lives, we may temporarily experience anxiety and a sense of longing for the past. With each such step, we emotionally move away from a relationship that was officially terminated a long time ago.
When we leave anger behind, we give up the dream that the person who hurt us will ever feel remorse or come back to us on their knees, begging for a second chance.
Feelings of hatred are not completely under our control, but they only make us feel worse, which is why it is so important to try to overcome them. It's not that easy to do, but there are some tips on how to stop hating your ex-husband.
Reasons for hatred
A woman, breaking up with a man, experiences anger, disappointment and hatred, an unwillingness to understand her ex-man. Typically, such a set of feelings is preceded by betrayal on the part of a loved one. What motivates a woman at this moment and why does she hate so much the man whom she loved madly just yesterday?
Cheating is one of the most common reasons why couples break up and families divorce. According to statistics, men resort to illegal love affairs on the side more often than women. For the stronger half, lodging is a habitual rhythm of life that has been formed over many years. Relationships on the side are almost always hidden from the spouse or fiancée. But everything secret sooner or later becomes clear. A woman, having learned about her lover’s infidelity, strives to break off the relationship and hates her unfaithful partner with all her heart.
Physical violence. If some women can accept and forgive betrayal, then beating cannot be forgiven. Having once forgiven an unbalanced partner, you will have to endure beatings for the rest of your life. When a man raises his hand to a woman, the first reaction he may receive is hatred.
Moral violence. There are men who are aware of their actions, who lead their actions, but are unable to curb their ego. The family leader complex gives rise to dictatorship and despotism in the family. A man tries with all his might to morally subjugate a woman and destroy her will. It's psychologically depressing. And even if the girl is not able to resist the tyrant, a feeling of hatred rages in her soul.
Alcoholism and drunkenness. In this situation, a woman may experience two contradictory feelings at the same time - pity and hatred for her partner. A feeling of pity appears in the case when a man previously had a good social status, stable financial support, but for reasons beyond his control, he lost all this.
Because of this social decline, men often become drunkards. If he has a reliable wife next to him, she, with pity, is able to pull her husband out of the hole in which he finds himself. But if a man drinks the bottle from scratch, the woman begins to hate him and eventually leaves.
A man with no prospects. Most women dream of living large; they want men to provide all their needs and desires. But not all men strive to please women's whims. Some of them are quite content with non-dusty work, for which they receive low wages. They are not looking for a part-time job to provide a better life for their family, preferring to lie on the couch in front of the TV in their free time.
The wives of such men most often endure in silence. After all, in our society it is considered shameful to destroy a family just because the husband earns little. Society will condemn such a reason, and the woman will be called mercantile.
Therefore, wives endure. They endure until hatred of a lazy husband completely replaces love.
What to do
We rely on hatred to maintain our dignity and integrity. Anger is not a “bad” or “negative” emotion, as it can take a lot of courage to acknowledge and express hatred. But it also takes courage to free yourself from the destructive effects of living too long in anger and bitterness. This may include forgiveness, but does not necessarily require it.
To get rid of hatred towards your ex-husband:
- Write down your feelings.
- Write down how much you hate him and why. Describe everything he did to you to make you feel this way.
- Read what you wrote several times.
- Destroy what is written (tear it into small pieces, burn it).
It is very important that no one sees the resulting text. After all, the goal is to get rid of the emotions that are inside.
Constantly tell yourself: “I no longer hate my ex-husband and his mother, and everything connected with him, because I am different.” This is very difficult to do, but just say it and little by little the condition will begin to improve.
Don't hate him, feel pity and disrespect for him.
He's not good at anything, so there's no reason to hate him. Instead, feel grateful to him for being able to leave and having the opportunity to have something better.
Where to get the necessary knowledge
It is enough for every woman to get what her heart wants, and the hatred will go away on its own. This emptiness will be filled with the happiness of what she now has: a happy family, a worthy husband, stable provision for children.
All you need is to get rid of those psychological problems that prevent you from realizing this. Deeply understand yourself and learn to understand men at a glance. The first basics of psychological knowledge that are needed for this are available in free online lectures by Yuri Burlan
.
Author of the publication: Evgenia Astreinova
The article was written based on materials from the training “System-vector psychology”
Take a break from the topic of love
Until the wound has completely healed, try not to reopen it again. Give up for a while watching tearful melodramas, listening to songs and reading books about love. It’s better to forget about the love topic altogether for a while and switch to other areas of life.
Focus on work, spend more time with your family, renovate your apartment or at least do some general cleaning. Notice how beautiful the world around you is. Enjoy the beauty of nature and art.
So far, the brain associates everything related to romance with the ex. Over time, this associative connection will break if it is not maintained artificially. And you can remove time restrictions.
Get rid of reminders of the person
At first, everything around you will remind you of your ex-lover - the park where you loved to walk on weekends, the elevator in which you kissed and held hands, the dessert you shared in half.
Then the associations will gradually begin to collapse. The usual things that surround you will no longer cause pain and melancholy. But there will be triggers that will forever be associated with your ex. Joint photographs, gifts, correspondence in instant messengers and social networks. You need to get rid of all this.
Throw away or at least hide notes and cards out of sight, give gifts to friends, put away photographs. Clear your chat history so you're not tempted to dig into it. This is the past that you need to try to forget about as quickly as possible.
Avoid idleness
When our brain is not occupied with anything, attention begins to flow towards figures that are significant to us. After a breakup, the figure of a former lover can acquire enormous dimensions and occupy all the space with itself. It is useless to fight it with willful efforts. At this stage she is stronger than you.
This monster can only be defeated by growing other significant figures in your psychological space. Direct your energy to interesting and useful activities, start learning something new, get creative, and improve your work.
The more time you have occupied, the better. It’s ideal when the day is scheduled minute by minute and you don’t have time to indulge in painful thoughts. Just a week in this mode - and thoughts about your ex will decrease significantly.
Take care of your image
A person comes out of an unsuccessful relationship with his self-esteem completely destroyed. Being rejected is painful and unpleasant. Willy-nilly, thoughts appear that something is wrong with you, since your loved one does not want to continue the relationship.
Working on your image helps you quickly restore self-esteem. Join the gym and start working on your figure. Get a new hairstyle, update your wardrobe, tidy up your clothes. Learn to smile beautifully and walk beautifully. Positive changes will make the attention of the opposite sex flow in your direction. You will catch interested glances and be confirmed in your own attractiveness.
Communicate more
If you want to quickly get rid of thoughts about your ex, spend less time alone. Communicate with people as often as possible, especially with the opposite sex. Make new acquaintances, revive old ones. Just avoid discussing the situation of separation and touching your ex’s bones.
Communication should be positive and meaningful. It is best to engage in some kind of group activity - play intellectual games, complete a quest, go on a hike.
Friends will help you take your mind off your worries and focus on the positive. Perhaps you will begin to develop mutual sympathy with one of them, which will then develop into something more. But there is no need to specially force this process. Let everything take its course.
Turn the page
Failed relationships very often become an unclosed gestalt. A person returns mentally to the situation of separation again and again and cannot let it go. Many moments remain unclear, words remain unspoken, grievances remain unlived. Take time to deal with all this psychological burden.
Tell yourself that the relationship is over and there is no going back. All you can do is work on your mistakes and draw conclusions for the future.
Think about what you did wrong, at what points you screwed up. Don't scold yourself for mistakes, but make a promise not to make them again. Perhaps you will come to the conclusion that the relationship developed according to the wrong scenario from the very beginning and separation was its logical conclusion. Write down the unspoken words on a piece of paper and then burn them.
Destroy joint plans for the future in your head. Imagine how a bright and beautiful picture of a future together becomes dark and gloomy. And then it completely falls apart into pieces like a puzzle.
Once you do all this, you will instantly feel better. Try not to return to painful thoughts about a dead relationship.
What does hatred of men mean for a woman? What does psychology say about this?
Hatred of men is a loss of trust in yourself and in men. A woman stops loving herself, loving everything that happens around her. Hatred of men destroys the sensual part of a woman to the core. Plus, for a woman this is a lot of stress, a lot of pain, a big burden. By hating men, a woman wastes a lot of energy and loses her joy in life. The woman begins to suffer, thereby further destroying everything around her. Many take the position - And no one will get me! It will be worse for them! And they begin to destroy everything around themselves, all the men and all the good things they do for her.
Of course, hatred is a consequence, and the cause is pain that has somehow crept into a woman’s soul. Here it is important to realize that a woman only does worse to herself. By hating men, she destroys only herself, her happiness, her harmonious relationships, her love. A woman who has the attitude “I hate men” in her head dooms herself to loneliness. And to choose to suffer, to blame, to be angry means to take the easiest path. In order to again feel the desire to get to know men better and trust them, you need to work on yourself.
Don't follow a person's life
No matter how tempted you may be to inquire about him from mutual friends and check his social networks, restrain yourself. Scraps of information about a person will only fuel your interest and raise many questions. If before you only sometimes remembered your ex, now he will firmly settle in your head.
And if information about his new passion flashes somewhere, then you will experience real mental anguish. All the work done to restore mental balance will go down the drain.
