In this article we will tell you:
- Separating from your husband - the end or a new beginning
- Separating from your husband according to all the rules
- 10 tips on how to get over a separation from your husband
Separating from your husband is always a painful process. However, this is often the only true ending to an unsuccessful marriage, which brings only sadness to both partners. But if you made the decision to divorce suddenly, it is important to understand whether this is really the end or just a temporary whim to cut everything off.
Today we will talk about how to survive a breakup with your husband, recover and find yourself in a new life, and also discuss what you should never do during conflicts and separation.
Stage 1: Survive the First 90 Days
The first 90 days after a divorce can be called the most difficult. For the first time in many years, you are left alone with yourself and heavy thoughts about the causes of discord in the family. Tamsin Fedel compares this state to being lost. You are lost and don’t know where to go next, who to turn to and how to start enjoying life again. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” has compiled a detailed action plan for readers for the first 90 days after divorce.
Start with a reboot in your own home
Get rid of furniture that reminds you of your ex-husband. Throwing it away or arranging a burning ritual is completely optional. You can sell unnecessary things and use the proceeds to buy something you have always dreamed of. That ridiculous ottoman or that chic four-poster bed.
Organize your home space
Get rid of chaos and unnecessary things.
Use the rules “Every thing has its place,” “Like to like,” and “One thing in the house, one out of the house.” When cleaning, set a timer (for an hour, two or three) and be sure to rest after the signal. Take the time to take before and after photos so you can see that even spot cleaning works effectively.
Take care of yourself
Get a new hairstyle or at least just update your haircut, go for a manicure, go in for sports. You can start with morning yoga - there are millions of videos on the Internet with simple exercises. Over time, you will get the hang of it and, quite possibly, at some point you will find yourself in the gym with heavy weights.
Inspect your refrigerator
Throw everything fatty and unhealthy into the trash: mayonnaise, sauces with monosodium glutamate and low-quality chocolate. New life - new menu. Your choice is vegetables, fruits, healthy cereals, lean meat and dark chocolate. Drink clean water and eat small meals when you feel hungry.
Plan activities for every day
In the first months after a divorce, you don’t want to do anything at all, so force yourself. Take courses, go to the library or to exhibitions. Feeling blues on Saturday morning? Get up early and go for a walk. Change your habits and develop new ones.
Psychologists say that communication and social interaction are one of the key ways to move on after a breakup.
Isolation brings about dark feelings that give rise to thoughts, words and actions that we later regret.
Stop whining
Master your emotions - who controls whom, after all? You are the love of your life. And you are the main prize. To reduce stress levels, use the “gratitude jar” technique. Place a beautiful jar on your bedside table and every evening put a note in it that captures the most positive moment of the day. At the end of the year, remove and read the notes.
Stage 2: Learn to communicate with your ex-husband
Communication with an ex-husband is one of the most difficult moments in the life of every second divorced woman. It is difficult to resist the obsessive thoughts of having a heart-to-heart talk with your ex and still find out the reasons for the discord in the family. Unpleasant thoughts constantly swirl in my head: “I was too cold, or fat, or ugly, or inconsiderate, or unsexy.” Tamsin Fedel advises not to share thoughts about your ex-husband (especially negative ones) with others, and also to adhere to a few simple rules.
Don't look for meetings
A good reason for personal communication is the fate of children. Decide everything else through intermediaries, friends or lawyers.
Don't keep his things
He has already taken everything he needs. Everything else doesn’t interest him now and certainly won’t interest him in a year. It is advisable to get rid of things.
Don't follow him on social media
Remove him from your friends list and don’t poison your soul. Do this immediately after the divorce.
Don't paint a false picture of your ex-husband
It is human nature to remember only the good. Let go of the memories at least for a while. Later, when the wounds heal, you will take out these photographs and letters, remember the lovely family evenings.
Don't use children as a shield
Or as a loophole to get information. Don't turn children against their father. Your emotions will subside, but the children’s attitude towards their father will remain.
Don't speak badly about your ex
This is perhaps one of the most difficult tips. The author of the book honestly admits that she herself committed similar sins. More than once she caught herself thinking that she was happy to remember her ex-husband with strong words. However, you should not do this, especially in the presence of potential partners.
Stages of divorce
Breaking up a relationship is a trauma and requires several stages to get over it. All complex stressful circumstances associated with loss, be it divorce, death, loss of wealth or job, are experienced in approximately the same way.
Psychologists identify five stages of loss, the main thing is to go through each of them sequentially, without overstepping or staying too long at any one.
The experience of breaking up is individual, and it is impossible to accurately determine the time spent going through each stage. The stronger the shock, the more difficult and lengthy the process will be. On average it takes from one to three years.
There are five stages of experiencing divorce:
Shock and denial
When a person is burned or cut, he does not feel anything for the first seconds, and only after a few moments does severe pain begin. In this case it's about the same. The body’s psychological defenses are activated: the woman lives in the illusion of the past and refuses to believe what happened.
The main emotion at this stage is fear of the inevitability of separation.
During this period, it is necessary to find the potential that will make it possible to overcome the fear of loss. We need unobtrusive and correct care from loved ones. In a supportive environment, release your tears and feelings.
At this stage, you can write a letter to yourself: “How will I live in the future without my husband.”
Anger and resentment
After a certain period, a person comes to the realization that nothing will change and divorce is inevitable. Despair and sadness transform into deep resentment. Anger towards the initiator of the separation grows. The question “For what?” Everyone asks themselves - the main thing at this stage is not to get hung up in search of an answer. Because he doesn't exist. A combination of different circumstances led to what happened.
At this stage, you cannot keep anger and anger to yourself, but this does not mean that you need to start a fight or create scandals. Cry, scream into the void, break dishes, constantly express your feelings, don’t be silent.
At this stage, you can analyze the situation in writing. Describe in detail the emotions and reasons for resentment and anger. Try to calm down, for example, with the help of art therapy, neurography, putting together puzzles and mosaics.
Compromise and the stage of guilt
During this period, there is a willingness to return the relationship and the other half in any way. Only the positive qualities of the partner are remembered. The abandoned wife decides to make changes, for example, change her image, lose extra pounds. A person is ready to humiliate himself, turn to astrologers, fortune-tellers, negotiate with either God or the devil - just to return the initiator of the divorce.
First of all, you need to understand whether your family life was going well, whether you really experienced happiness and whether the love was mutual. You cannot keep a person close against his will.
At this stage, work on your mistakes in writing. Describe how to fix it in the future.
Depression
The most difficult and lengthy stage is when suffering reaches its maximum. Powerlessness develops, a feeling of loss takes over, there is no longer any hope that everything will return to normal. There is a need to cut off the emotional connection with a partner, that is, to “let go” of a once close person.
At this stage, you can write a letter to your ex-half (no need to send it), indicating all the advantages of family life and the positive aspects. At the end, thank him for all the good things you had and say goodbye.
Adoption
This is the final period of separation with emotional recovery. A new life begins. It becomes clear how to live outside of marriage. Further goals and opportunities appear. Undoubtedly, a deep scar will remain on my heart forever. It is important to make it a symbol of invaluable experience and victory over the situation.
Typically, the initiator of the separation, unlike the partner, experiences the first stage even before the divorce is announced. It is precisely due to the fact that ex-spouses are at different stages of coping with the loss that during separation it can be difficult for them to agree, hear and understand each other. This is something to keep in mind.
If you understand that the periods of experiencing divorce are dragging on and you do not have the strength to get out of depression on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist.
Stage 3: Learn to date again
After a divorce, many women are tempted to go to great lengths to prove to themselves (“and this scoundrel!”) that they have retained sexual attractiveness to the opposite sex.
How to start dating men again after decades on the bench? Tamsin Fedel advises following two rules.
Don't look for the perfect man
Look for someone who respects you now, someone who doesn’t put off feelings for later. The one for whom you want to get up in the morning, and in the evening dive into bed with him and snuggle under the covers.
Value your principles
Don't forget - even for the sake of a gorgeous man - about what is important to you. Don't fool yourself into thinking about your needs and desires. Be yourself. If you are suitable for a man only under certain conditions: different hair color, weight, habits and preferences - nothing good will come from this relationship.
Let's extract 3 positive points
Divorce is always a difficult and sad event . It brings suffering, pain, emotional decline. Undoubtedly, this causes serious harm to health, career and other areas of life. But besides the negative aspects of divorce, there are also positive aspects.
Freedom-No. 1
Family life introduces certain restrictions for both spouses. For every person, the concept of freedom is relative: some do not need it, and others cannot live without it. If you are not afraid of loneliness, then freedom will be an advantage.
Financial component-No. 2
In a divorce, a woman loses financial support for her husband if he earned more. If she still has a child, then life becomes almost unbearable. But there is a huge plus here - a new goal appears. Most girls reach career heights just after a divorce and find new ways to make money.
Creative component-No. 3
Parting with a loved one is always traumatic and demotivating. However, many women, in order to distract themselves from the breakup, make progress in sports, art, and science. The resulting stress gives you a chance to start your life from scratch, radically changing it.
Stage 4: Learn to build new relationships
Often after a divorce, women are eager to occupy themselves with new relationships and are ready to literally disappear into a new man. The author of the book “Alone and Happy” honestly admits that she herself made some of the mistakes described. Tamsin Fedel had the strength to pull herself together. Invaluable experience helped her develop several tips that will save women from disappointment.
Be self sufficient
Don't be humiliated. If he doesn't call, he's not interested in you. There are no other options.
Keep your distance
Don’t make a man your best friend, much less a vest for tears.
Don't become a mommy
If you took care of your ex-husband, brought him slippers and tea in bed, do not rush to do the same with a new man. Have you caught yourself doing something like this? Get a dog and leave the man alone.
Accept his habits
It is useless to try to break and change another person. You are both established individuals, and if his slurping at the table bothers you, then you should think twice before moving in together. Either accept the man along with his habits, even those that infuriate you, or break up.
Looking for a free man
This is really very important, and there can be no options here: “almost divorced,” “we’ll file documents tomorrow,” “we live for the sake of the children.” Otherwise, you risk falling into a trap and turning into a banal mistress.
What not to do after a divorce
When in a stressful situation, a person does not control himself and often commits rash acts. The most common mistakes:
- Start a new relationship immediately, without going through the five stages of separation.
- Build a plan for revenge. Live only with grievances and pain.
- Blaming yourself and thinking that there is something wrong with you.
- Trying to bring back the departed through manipulation, threats and humiliation.
- Suppress and hush up your negative feelings in front of your other half. Be afraid to express thoughts, it is advisable to do this without shouting, insults and hysterics.
- Express complete submission, endure mental or physical abuse in the hope of family reunification.
- Draw children into relationships, try to blackmail and manipulate them. Placing a burden of responsibility on a child causes a feeling of frailty and uselessness.
- Living in the past, idealizing past relationships, delving into memory.
- Play a victim and present the ex-couple as a “real monster” in the eyes of others.
Bonus: how to arrange your personal life with children
Children are not a death sentence for your personal life. The main thing is to properly organize your free time and talk with your child. Don’t forget: a child is a child, he is used to considering himself the center of the Universe and is unlikely to want to immediately share you with someone else. Tamsin Fedel has compiled her top tips for dating if you have kids.
Talk to your children about your feelings
Don't think that they are small and don't understand anything. Children are much more perceptive than they think, and will easily guess that you are dressing up for a reason.
Don't lie about your personal life
Over time, children will learn the truth, but the fact that you lied to them will remain in their memory for a long time. And after that, how can you ask them to be honest with you?
No matter how old your children are, eight or thirty-eight, they still need confirmation of your unconditional love. Show them in no uncertain terms that no one can replace them.
Never put yourself before the choice “children or personal life”
Moreover, do not reproach your child for dedicating your life to him, but he has grown up and is going to live separately.
