Just yesterday it seemed that love would last forever, that every day of life together would be filled with happiness and nothing would overshadow it. And, like a bolt from the blue... Divorce. The feelings that both sides experience are sometimes beyond words. This is both resentment and misunderstanding of what happened, and sometimes even love that has not yet faded away. It is generally accepted that only women experience the situation of divorce painfully. The psychology of a man after a divorce is based on his desire to radically change his life.
Peculiarities of a man's behavior after a divorce
The first sensations of a divorced man are associated with a feeling of freedom. And, above all, freedom from negative memories of the divorce process. Everything he worried about during this not at all cloudless period of his life was left behind. And now... Peace. Life for today. No need to prove anything. The behavior of a man at this stage is characterized by the following signs:
- The divorced man does not regret anything; on the contrary, he believes that this is how the relationship, which had become painful for both parties, should have ended.
- As a rule, a man considers himself the victim. And, even if the reason for the divorce lies in him and his attitude towards the family, he is sure that his wife is the cornerstone in the current situation.
- Due to the absence of a sense of personal guilt, a representative of the stronger half of humanity shifts the blame for the breakdown of family relationships onto the shoulders of the ex-wife.
- He looks confidently into the future. Past mistakes have been analyzed and left behind in family life.
- Memories of the past irritate the ex-spouse.
How to survive divorce for a woman with children
The psychology of a child strives to balance and harmonize everything that surrounds him in life, so it is important for a child to grow up in a full-fledged family where common interests are observed. Most mothers, realizing this, hold onto unsuccessful marriage relationships to the end, forgetting that the difficult emotional background that accompanies partners’ dissatisfaction with each other has a much more destructive effect on the child than the absence of one of the provocateurs in the family
Does a woman experience divorce as acutely when she needs to devote most of her time to the needs of her children? When a mother with a child in her arms is left without the support of her husband, she has no time to waste time on introspection, since her new task - to raise the baby on her own - requires an instant concentration of moral and physical resources. This simultaneously helps a woman cope with depression and serves as an additional source of stress generated by the need to take on a new role as a breadwinner. How can a woman left with a child survive a divorce?
Here's what psychologists recommend you definitely shouldn't do:
- Do not focus on the process of raising a child as the goal of your whole life - the baby will grow up quickly, and the position of the mother, left “overboard” for the second time, will be pitiful.
- Do not try to be both dad and mom at the same time - the child sensitively perceives the model of behavior shown to him and over time will transfer it into his personal life.
- Do not blame or scold the betrayed husband in the presence of children - the obvious humiliation of one parent by another undermines the child’s confidence in the adequacy of the institution of marriage.
- Do not prohibit the father and his closest relatives from visiting the baby.
Special attention and patience on the part of the mother, according to psychologists, require teenage children who are faced with the fact of family collapse at the stage of adolescence
Teenagers rarely seek to understand the complexities of their parents' relationships, concentrating on the event itself. In some cases, a child may refuse to see one of the family members who, in his opinion, is guilty of what happened
There are frequent cases of a child’s sudden change in life priorities, a decrease in moral values and disruption of interaction with society.
In order not to provoke the child to form erroneous conclusions, the mother needs to explain to him, in a gentle form, that the act of the father who abandoned the family is not betrayal, but the only way to protect relatives from negativity and aggression. The teenager will appreciate the adult treatment of him and will make efforts to understand the situation if the father, for his part, refrains from making negative statements about the mother and holds a similar conversation.
If a woman feels that she cannot cope with the role of a single parent, she always has the opportunity to receive free psychological and legal assistance guaranteed by the Russian state. Also, in case of low income, she has the right to receive monthly social benefits and mandatory, regular payments from the child’s father (alimony).
Stages of psychological state after divorce2
Experts have identified several stages characteristic of a man’s psychology after a divorce:
- Denial stage
A man cannot believe that the divorce proceedings are over, and his wife, with whom he has lived for many years, is now a stranger. Some enjoy freedom and the opportunity to live as they please. And some are slightly confused because they did not realize such a result of the resolution of the situation, naively believing that they would be reconciled.
- Anger stage
The man, having come to terms with the situation, learns to live independently. But sometimes he experiences an attack of inexplicable anger, the object of which can be any person nearby.
- Bidding stage
It would seem that the man got what he was striving for. But loneliness torments and gives no rest. The thought of reconciliation with his ex-wife increasingly comes to his mind. Analyzing the years they lived together, he begins to understand that not everything was so bad in their marital relationship. The man seems to be bargaining with himself. But these thoughts disappear as suddenly as they appear.
- Stage of depression
The most dangerous stage in the life of a single man. It was not possible to save the family. I don’t want to think about new relationships yet. Every day is eerily similar to the previous one. There is a high probability of a depressive state, from which it can be difficult to get out.
- Acceptance stage
This stage can be considered the recovery stage. The man realized his mistakes and, having analyzed them, is ready for a new relationship, which by that time he had drawn in his imagination.
How can a man survive a divorce if he has a child?
The verdict has already been passed, everything has been decided, the couple separated. Nerves, tears, resentment - everything is insignificant in comparison with the experiences of children. It is difficult for them to understand why their family collapsed. But this is a separate conversation, but what should a husband who loves his child do? The cunning of women is incomprehensible, and manipulation and blackmail by children are their main weapons. The man has no choice but to follow the lead so as not to be deprived of communication with the child.
So, practical tips:
If the wife does not allow her husband to see the child, then scandals will not help. This requires cunning tactics. First of all, it needs to be given time to cool. Friends or relatives can come to the rescue and convince the wife of the need for communication between the father and the child. A sane woman will not deprive her child of a loving father. Well, if everything is more complicated, then it’s better to rely on time. Children grow up, and good, warm memories of their father are deposited in their memory. And sooner or later the child himself will find a way to communicate with his father.
Dream one4
Hooray! Freedom! A man enjoys the opportunity to live as he sees fit, without obligations and unnecessary problems.
But the realities turn out to be less rosy than he expected. All household little things for caring for himself fall on his own shoulders (when his wife was busy with this, he did not notice them). Along with everyday disorder comes a feeling of abandonment and uselessness.
Mistake #6. Hoping for perfect sex
You shouldn’t paint rosy pictures of sexual exploits with his participation. Sex is impulsive, short-term, sex with a “coming” partner is not at all like marital sex. With my wife there is an “adjustment” - psychological and biological, the second is even more important. Although there is no particular attraction to each other (after several years of marriage), the bodies of the husband and wife have “adapted” to each other at the level of biorhythms, arousal occurs quickly, without lengthy foreplay, intimacy occurs in a stereotypical manner, the level of pleasure is high, and release is achieved in 4-5 minutes, warns the famous sexologist Alexander Poleev.
What to do: be aware that erotic fantasies and life are two different things. To receive pleasure, at least minimal emotional attachment is required, and for both partners.
Second dream5
The new chosen one will be very different from the ex-wife. All her thoughts will be aimed at surprising her lover with unearthly sex, gourmet cuisine, comfort and coziness.
In reality, a new friend, even if she was white and fluffy at the meeting stage, very soon shows her true colors. Material requirements were added to personal characteristics, outlook on life, and habits. The man understands that he will not be able to maintain the bar he raised during the candy-bouquet period for long, either physically or materially. The result is reproaches and exorbitant demands. The fact becomes clear that much of what he was running from in his previous marriage overtook him in his current relationship.
The decision to get a divorce
