Even if you get along with your parents—talking often, exchanging recipes and guesses about the next season of Descendants—you'll likely snap at them from time to time and regret it later.
Maybe every time you come home for the holidays, you yell at your mom for being late or get mad at your dad for buying the wrong snacks. You know perfectly well that they love you and your brother or sister equally, and yet you still take the opportunity to accuse them of always having a favorite. So why are we unable to control ourselves even when we realize that we are being unfair and disrespectful towards our parents?
It is completely normal to quarrel with your ancestors. As a 2009 study states, “conflict is a natural part of the relationship between children and parents.” According to clinical and forensic psychologist and Valparaiso University professor Amanda Zelechoski, conflicts with your parents during adolescence or young adulthood are inevitable, even if you didn't quarrel with them as a child.
But if you constantly snap at your parents and at the same time calmly communicate with other people, here are some possible reasons why this is happening.
You are trying to assert yourself
“The process of growing up is about forming our own identity and determining in what ways we want to be like our parents and in what ways we want to be different from them,” Zelechoski says.
Nobody wants to be an exact copy of their parents. Even if you idolized them as a child, over time you begin to strive for independence and realize that they are not always right.
Physiological factors also play a role. Zelechoski notes that hormonal changes can trigger mood swings, and the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for making decisions and controlling emotions, doesn't fully develop until age 25.
“At a young age, it is very important to find a balance in your relationship with your parents,” says Jacob Goldsmith of Northwestern University in Chicago, “learning to be both yourself and part of the family.”
Stages of growing up
Experienced psychologists divide the relationship between children and parents into three main stages:
- “Mom, hug me.” This is the stage of childhood when the child is in dire need of his mother’s affection, touch, and communication. Until a certain period of life, mother and baby are connected by invisible ties that are not only spiritual, but also physical.
- “Mom, let me go.” This is adolescence, when the need for independence appears. This time may be accompanied by protests, rebellion, and leaving home. The young girl strives with all her might to replace her mother in some way, to take on her functions. But the young body is not yet strong enough, so mistakes are made, and the daughter returns to her mother again.
- “Mom, leave me alone.” This is the time of full maturation, when a girl has already become an adult woman. Now my mother’s advice and instructions seem unnecessary. Not only do they not help, but they also irritate you because they don’t give you the opportunity to live the way you want.
You carry past grievances within you
If you have already left adolescence, then you need to look for other explanations.
“The first thing that comes to mind is that there are unresolved conflicts,” Goldsmith continues. “Perhaps you harbor a grudge against your parents.”
Or perhaps you are still clinging to your childhood role. Each child plays several roles in the process of growing up: baby, parent, peacemaker, helper, hero, rebel. If you are trying to change, the restrictions they place on you can make you angry.
What makes your mom constantly control your life?
There are two main reasons:
1) Mom still considers you a little girl who needs to continue to be taken care of.
She does not realize that her role in education is over, and is afraid to admit that she is useless. At the same time, he sincerely believes that such care brings you great benefit, and is offended when you refuse to accept this care.
2) Circumstances forced my mother to make her way in life; this developed a rather tough, authoritarian character.
She always knows what is best and demands unquestioning obedience. Most likely, the situation has changed a long time ago, but the character remains the same.
And if she has no other interests in life besides you and your family, then the situation only gets worse.
Your family members are toxic people
Don't dismiss the possibility that your anger is a completely justified reaction to your parents' behavior. Even if you used to get along great, it's worth reconsidering what you think is "acceptable" behavior from time to time.
“Anger may indicate an attempt to set boundaries,” Goldsmith explains. “In that case, you need to try to transform it into persistence.”
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13 typical phrases from toxic parents: what they really mean and how to respond to them correctly
Say it without "no"
Now for some magic. Have you heard anything about how our consciousness does not perceive the particle “not”? It works like this: if you tell a person “Don’t forget to take the keys,” there is a high probability that his brain will “not” ignore it. And - dammit - the keys will be left at home.
Therefore, if you want results, formulate your request without “no”.
Homework. Try to formulate your requests for a week without using the particle “not”. During this time, firstly, you will get used to avoiding it, and secondly, you will have time to evaluate whether anything is changing.
In the meantime, practice with my examples: say these phrases without “not.”
Coronavirus has messed things up for you
Quarrels with parents have happened since the beginning of time. “But now the situation is more difficult than ever,” Zelechoski says. How to become independent if, due to a pandemic, you have to stay under the same roof with your family all day long?
Maybe you moved in with your parents because there were too many new cases in your area, like those who left New York City in the early days of the pandemic. Perhaps you are a student and, since classes have been cancelled, you have to stay at home. Many of Zelechoski's students were eager to return to the classroom simply because they could not study comfortably at home.
Stage 2. Get to know mom
Look at your mother as if she were a stranger.
It will be useful for you to know the difficult situations that happened in your mother’s life. Dad, grandmother, other relatives can become a source of information, you can also talk to mom, only carefully.
For example, as a child you were seriously ill, and your mother made a lot of efforts to cure you. And then follow the rules - put on a hat, don’t get your feet wet - you can continue the list yourself. Care, care, care... And now mom can’t stop.
Get to know your mother’s life better, and then objectively evaluate the information and find the reasons why your mother behaves this way.
What will it give? You will not be biased towards her behavior.
You're freaking out because it's your parents.
“Sometimes our parents are simply the easiest and safest target for our anger,” Goldsmith says. — It’s paradoxical, but most often it is on the people closest to us that we dump negativity. They won’t get away from us anyway, so we can take our anger out on them as much as we want.”
Ask yourself, are your parents really the source of your dissatisfaction? Perhaps all is not well with you personally or at work, and your negative emotions are directed at your parents simply because they are nearby.
Stage 3. Negotiations
You have found the reasons and know what to tell your mother. Then, first, try to tell her how you saw her life from the outside. And then move on to why you think she continues to take care of you and constantly controls you. At this stage, there are two possible developments:
- You will understand each other and will look for joint ways to solve the problem.
- The negotiations will reach a dead end, your mother will not hear you and will move on to “manipulation.” In this case, you proceed to step 4.
How to prevent breakdowns (and recover from them)
Conflicts happen, but they don’t always end with a loud slamming of the door, an angry pressing of the “end call” button, or just an angry exclamation of “Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaly4earll44l9l99999999999999ears have have. Here are some ways to help keep yourself in control when a fight seems inevitable.
Be carefull. “Monitor your body and pay attention to what triggers you,” says Zelechoski. Perhaps you grind your teeth or clench your fists? Things like this should be your signal to relax.
Talk about your feelings. If you're still angry at your parents for something that happened years ago, maybe it's time to talk about it? “We must talk openly about the past and related experiences in order to build healthy relationships in the present,” Goldsmith believes. “Sometimes a difficult conversation is just necessary.”
Whenever you feel overwhelmed by emotion, say something like, “I know you're just trying to help. I need a few minutes to calm down and then we can continue.”
According to Zelechoski, when we leave during an argument, it is often perceived as disrespect, but in reality the person just wants to be alone. Instead of slamming the door, hanging up or yelling, it's better to say: “Let's come back to this conversation a little later. I feel like I'm losing my temper." It is very important to say this before you leave.
Analyze your behavior and its reasons. Zelechoski advises to analyze each moment of the conflict and try to understand your goal: were you trying to convey something to the other person or were you just yelling at him so that he would understand how unhappy you are? If you identify why you snapped, you can respond differently next time.
“Become an emotional detective. Find out what was behind the outburst of emotion,” Zelechoski says. When do you usually lose your temper? When you are asked to do something over and over again? Or when you are asked personal questions?
Don't isolate yourself. It is quite natural that if you relapse, you feel shame and guilt. According to Zelechoski, these feelings should not be suppressed. Families often pretend that nothing happened, but this does not help avoid conflicts in the future. Try to discuss the problem later.
All these tips also apply to parents. But you cannot be responsible for them. You can only work on yourself.
Stage 5. Gradually moving to new rails
- Do not reduce the time you spend communicating with your mother, but increase the number of common topics of conversation (news, weather, neighbors, her health) and reduce the discussion of your life. At the same time, in general matters, do not enter into polemics, support your mother’s opinion.
- If you constantly call or text your mom about where you are, then it's time to start cutting down on the number of “reports.” Also, start small: first reduce the number of calls (SMS) by one, then by two, etc. But be sure to warn about this in advance, citing external circumstances. For example: “Mom, today I won’t be able to call you from work at lunchtime, because my colleagues and I are having lunch at a cafe.”
- Learn to say “no” not categorically, but gently, with a joke. This “no” is perceived less painfully.
- If your mother has no interests, then remember what she was interested in and pick up a hobby for her. If the lesson is for two, even better, then you will always have something to talk about. "Like like." Ask your mother how her day was, what she did, ask her to report more often on where she was.
- Let the scale of control begin to tip in your direction and then, perhaps, your mother will think about how to get rid of the interference in her life.
In order to weaken your mother’s control, you must first of all be a self-sufficient, adult woman. A fulfilling adult relationship between mother and daughter is the result of patience, sensitivity and understanding.
Let's discuss this topic: tell us in the comments about your relationship with your mother. What do you think is the most difficult thing about “defending your territory”? What questions did you have after reading the article? If you tried to loosen control, how did you do it and what results did you achieve?
Advice
Don’t rush to say “I can’t find a common language with my mother,” because this can be corrected. If your relationship is disrupted by the third stage, there is one hundred percent confidence that everything will work out. Surely you know exactly the source of your problems, so try to resolve them peacefully. Remember how you all got along great with each other all the time. Are you really going to let some ridiculous situation or temporary misunderstanding ruin everything? And even if your mother was wrong, try to forgive her for it. You still love her, so you can make allowances for her age, circumstances, or even the difficulties she has had to endure. Try to give in to your mother, because now that you yourself are an adult woman, this will be easy for you to do.
