Arthur S. Brooks
Sociologist, professor at Harvard Business School, former president of the American Enterprise Institute.
Years of research convincingly prove I Matter to My Friend, Therefore I am Happy: Friendship, Mattering, and Happiness: it is almost impossible to be happy without friends.
People who have them, on average, rate “I am so happy cause today I found my friend: Friendship and personality as predictors of happiness”: Erratum their level of happiness is almost 60% higher than those who are socially lonely.
You don't have to have dozens of friends to feel happy. With age, for example, the number of close friends decreases, and there is a reason for this: people become more selective Taking time seriously: A theory of socioemotional selectivity in communication.
It is also important that your friend is not only your spouse or partner. The type of friendship also plays a role.
What is friendship like?
Friends can be different. Some people you text and call every day to share a fresh joke or silly idea. You call others once a year. One of your friends is the person you would like to be like. You sincerely like others, but, in general, do not cause admiration.
This is exactly how your friends treat you. For one, you are a friend who always gives good advice or can give you money before payday. And someone perceives you as an attorney - a person to whom they can reveal the most precious secret.
We get different things from different relationships. And that's okay.
Perhaps one of the best and at the same time most laconic classifications of friendly relations belongs to Aristotle. The philosopher described it in his “Nicomachean Ethics Three kinds of friendship, corresponding to the three motives Perfect friendship is that whose motive is the good.”
The ancient Greek thinker imagined friendship in the form of a kind of pyramid.
At its lower level, where emotional ties are weakest, there is a rational type of partnership, based on mutual usefulness in work or social life. This is how colleagues, partners in business projects, or simply those who can provide each other with any kind of service become friends.
The next step is friendship based on admiration. In this case, you become attached to the person because you see qualities in him that delight you. For example, a sharp mind or a good sense of humor.
Aristotle called the highest level perfect friendship. These relationships are based solely on spiritual intimacy. There is no other underlying reason for them than a sincere, inexplicable attraction to each other.
The three types of friendship are not mutually exclusive. For example, you can mutually benefit from communicating with a person who also admires you for some of his traits. However, it is important to define relationships at the most pronounced level.
"Psychology": Why do we need friends?
We use neither water nor fire as often as we use friendship, said Cicero.
“Used” is not quite the appropriate word, but perhaps the most honest. Today we will talk about friendship with our expert, practicing psychologist Balzhid Sandakdorzhieva. Special feeling
Corr.:
Balzhid, well, is there really no way without friendship? Why do we need it so much?
Balzhid Sandakdorzhieva:
Friendship is a relationship between people based, first of all, on a mutual feeling of concern, respect and trust, people who have common points of contact in some interests. Although it arose from natural human needs for communication and cooperation, since man has always been a social being. And that is why we need friendship so much. But friendship is not just camaraderie or cooperation, it is a special feeling that can be ranked among the highest feelings, such as patriotism.
- Fine. How many friends, let's say, will be enough for happiness?
— Happiness and friendship are not phenomena on the same plane; moreover, “happiness”, in fact, does not depend on any external factors. Therefore, let everyone answer for themselves how much is needed for the happiness of friends. But it’s not a matter of quantity, but quality, right?
- It's hard to argue. Then this: why is it enough for one person to have one close friend, while another is constantly in the company of different friends?
- Different people - different needs - different characteristics. There are, for example, introverts, and there are extroverts. Introverts feel comfortable alone with themselves, and a narrow circle of close people, one or two friends, completely covers their needs for communication. Extroverts are sociable, active people and making new acquaintances is not difficult for them; they need a lot of communication. It happens that the same person’s friends do not know each other at all, which speaks more about the diversity of interests of the individual himself. Have a heart-to-heart talk with this person, ask another for advice, and go to the mountains with a third. It’s not for nothing that people say, “Tell me who your friend is and I’ll tell you who you are.” If friends are different, and in ordinary life do not intersect with each other, with different interests, then the person himself is different, multifaceted.
- Does everyone need friends? I know married couples who communicate only within the family. This brings up another question: is this generally normal?
— Everything related to family relationships is normal, provided that the couple has decided so for themselves. But usually the need for outside communication is more of a plus than a minus. Let it be distanced communication, not necessarily friendship in its ideal sense - having people or a person with whom it is pleasant and interesting to communicate, sometimes making joint outings is useful.
Men and women
- They say that women's friendship is based on emotions, and men's - on actions. Is it true?
— I think that not everywhere, and depends on the peculiarities of thinking and values of people.
— Do women who are friends only with men miss something?
- I think yes. After all, when asking any questions, there will always be a risk that the answers will be one-sided; a woman will hear “only a man’s position.” And again, she herself so directly wants to discuss “feminine”?
— In general, it’s normal for a woman to be friends only with men, and a man only with women. And what does this mean?
- If a person is normal, then everything is normal. However, from a psychological point of view, most likely here lies a deep compensation for dissatisfaction with the partner’s choice, or lack thereof. Again, in different cases there may be different reasons, so this opinion is not final, and you should not draw hasty conclusions on this issue.
- We have just discussed friendship between a man and a woman. So, are you sure that it happens?
- Yes. There is sincere, true friendship. Of course, not for everyone, everything is individual.
- What are the chances of love that grew out of friendship?
- Very high. People know each other well, they don’t need to seem better to each other, as often happens with people we like. That is, the likelihood of disappointment from expectations is reduced. But in any case, love is work within a relationship. Therefore, relationships based on friendship are a kind of head start, but not a guarantee.
Not to lose. or find a new one?
— They say that the strongest friendship is the friendship from childhood. Often they envy such friends: they must have known each other all their lives! These are proven comrades. Is it so?
“This friendship is strong because people grew up before each other’s eyes.” And we are talking here not only about growing up, but also about personal development, about what we have experienced together. And if people developed in the same way, took care of relationships, then this is a great success. But anything can happen in life, and friendship even from school can become obsolete.
“Perhaps there is some secret that will help us keep dear people close to us, with whom we went through “fire, water and copper pipes”?
— I repeat that friendship is reciprocity. Mutual respect, mutual concern. I am not a supporter of the “burning bridges” position; disagreements and disagreements of views happen - this is normal for developing people... But if a person has made it clear to you that there is no friendship, then there is no point in trying to revive the relationship. And yet, give yourself and your friend time to think whether your paths no longer have common ground. If this is final, thank the person for the time that you were friends, for the experience, for the good moments, for the sad moments. Don't regret anything and move on on your path.
- Let’s imagine that the friend with whom we broke up is the only one. And, if in his youth, a replacement could have been quickly found for him, then at a more advanced age everything can be much more complicated. It’s not customary to ask this, but... how, being a respectable person, can you find friends?
— Still open up to people and be friendly. If you want, if your soul asks for it, go forward, help, communicate. At the same time, do not allow people to sit on your neck, under the guise of friendship. Well, don’t demand anything from people beyond their understanding of the norm.
- Is it possible to tell a friend everything?
— If you think it necessary, you can, but not necessarily. You have the right to reserve the right to build your own personal boundaries. You can stipulate, stipulate, some taboo topics that you do not want to discuss. A friend will understand.
— Above you said “don’t let people sit on your neck.” But this does not happen so rarely. How can you distinguish a person who takes advantage of you, a kind of vampire, from a true friend?
“Such “friends” turn to you only when they feel bad. When they feel good, they communicate with others. Moreover, if you feel bad and ask for help, they will find reasons to refuse communication or treat your feelings formally. Also, after communicating with such people, you will probably feel as if slop has been poured on you, a loss of strength, resentment, irritation. When trying to get an explanation, “your friend” pretends that nothing happened, saying that he made it all up to himself.
— How to end a “toxic friendship” gracefully?
- Why end it gracefully if there is no friendship anyway? Just stop communicating and learn to defend your internal boundaries.
Other interesting facts about friendship:
- Half of those you call your friends don’t consider you a friend
At least a best friend. But don't worry about this. This does not mean that we are talking about indifference.
— School friendships most often end a year after graduation
A truth of life that, I think, doesn’t even need explanation. Sometimes we become friends with people due to certain circumstances. Besides, all people change over the years. And, as our expert said, maintaining friendship through time is a great success.
- Every second friendship lasts only 7 years
And these are the calculations of the Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst. According to the scientist, the void is then filled with new friendships.
— Friends help you live longer
This fact has a very long explanation from American scientists, which would not fit on a whole page. And to put it very briefly: who else will get you back on your feet after a bad breakup, dismissal, or just the autumn blues? Not to mention the laughter that often accompanies your conversations and, I remember, also affects your life expectancy.
- And it’s better to work
A friendly atmosphere in the team, conversations and meetings outside the office can go hand in hand with working on a common cause. A person reveals himself better at work. At the same time, we should not forget that competition and financial issues can destroy any communication, sociologists warn.
- A bosom friend is bad
The phrase “bosom friend,” which means strong friendship, has completely different roots. Initially, this phraseological unit meant: “pour into the Adam’s apple,” “get drunk.” That is, in essence, we were talking about a drinking buddy.
- Even sharks can be friends!
How are we, one might ask, worse?) And these are the observations of the French. They discovered that in flocks, some individuals stick together all the time, while avoiding others.
- Clumsy people have more chances
Back in 1966, an American psychologist found that people who are awkward in behavior seem more attractive to others.
— Family is more important than friends, men say
At least the British ones. According to a large-scale survey, men there never refuse friends. They simply set priorities in favor of their spouse and children.
— City of Friendship – Sydney
For many years now, sociological research has identified Sydney, Australia, as the city with the friendliest residents.
—And there is also an asteroid named after friendship
We are talking about asteroid 367 Amicitia. Translated from Latin, this word just means friendship.
Interview author: Maryana Safina
You can ask your questions to a psychologist anonymously by email:
[email protected] marked “Psychology” or personally by Balzhid Sandakdorzhieva by phone: 8-908-593-92-09, “Vkontakte group” - Psychologist 03.
preview photo: kinopoisk .ru, photo: pixabay.com
Which type of friendship is critical to happiness and which is not?
It's hard to describe in words, but you probably understand what perfect friendship is. It is not related to work, money or ambitions and most often arises from a general love for something. Such deep relationships are an important component of happiness.
Unlike true (perfect) friendship, rational friendship brings much less satisfaction. In it, a person cannot open up completely. For example, if you are friends with a colleague or business partner, you have to show your professional side. It is unlikely that you will risk spoiling an important business relationship with a difficult personal conversation.
Unfortunately, modern city life pushes people to make useful (rational) friendships rather than perfect ones. Indeed: many people work at least 40 hours a week. That is, they communicate with colleagues much more than with family or acquaintances outside the office. Thus, “mutually beneficial” friends can easily supplant perfect ones.
Heart protection
Having friends has a beneficial effect on your heart rate. Scientists from Canada came to this conclusion. They conducted a study among foreign students who came to study in Montreal. Experts regularly assessed the heart rate of the subjects over a period of five months. It turned out that only those volunteers who managed to find friends immediately after moving to a new place could boast of normal heart function. The rest were subject to various heart rhythm disturbances. In the future, such violations can lead to serious illnesses.
Question and Answer What is true friendship like?
How to find true friends and make your life happier
The steps to restoring a healthy friendship balance are quite simple.
Analyze whether you have real friends
Ask yourself how many people know you really well. For example, who (except close relatives!) is able to notice when you are a little unwell or a little upset, and sincerely ask if everything is okay?
If the answer is “Nobody,” then know that you are not alone in this experience. A 2021 Loneliness_Index_National_Report_Compliance survey found that 54% of American adults “always” or “sometimes” feel like no one cares or knows them well.
Here's another test of true friendship. Try to name a few people, not including your partner or spouse, with whom you can easily talk about very personal, truly exciting topics. And even if you managed to name a couple of names, remember how long ago you discussed such issues last time. If it's been more than a month since then, you might not be as close as you think.
Take existing friendships beyond usefulness
My wife and I realized that it was important for both of us to create deeper friendships, and we restructured our social life a little.
When meeting with friends, we tried to redirect the conversation from everyday, potentially useful topics like vacations, shopping, renovations to more personal issues: happiness, love, moral principles, spirituality. This helped us get closer to some friends. And in other cases, on the contrary, it turned out that a full-fledged relationship (that same perfect friendship) is impossible even in the future. But we were able to understand which people are really close to us and with whom we need to meet more often.
What is friendship and who are called friends
In serious explanatory dictionaries, friendship is defined as a close relationship based on affection, mutual trust, sincerity and common interests. Many psychologists believe that friendship is not possible without love, because the relationship between best friends resembles the relationship of a loving couple, if you exclude romance and. It can also be said that true friends communicate almost like brothers and sisters in a good family, and in a relationship, the friend’s personality is more important to them, and not the benefits that can be obtained from communication. Based on this definition of friendship, we can say with confidence that few people can really have 100 or at least 10 real friends - it is quite difficult to trust, love, share interests and hobbies, and be actively involved in the lives of so many people at once. Therefore, most people have 1-2-3 close friends, and the rest of the environment is divided into friends and just acquaintances. And this is normal, because if almost everyone with whom you can have coffee after work can be called a friend, then this is not enough for friendship.
"Pros" and "cons" of friendships
Friendships, like any other, have their advantages and disadvantages.
"Pros" of friendly relations:
- satisfying the need for communication,
- the opportunity not to be alone,
- common interests with another person, have someone to discuss a book or movie with, go to the planetarium or shopping, and so on,
- help and support in any life situation,
- psychological assistance, listen to news and problems, give advice, console and more.
"Disadvantages" of friendly relations:
- job responsibilities, a friend must help and support, console and listen, regardless of whether he wants it or not,
- unjustified expectations from a friend’s behavior,
- compliance with certain rules of friendship, the so-called “code”. Each couple or group of friends has their own.
What to do if life becomes boring? Advice from psychologists will help you!
Friends are pulling you down . How to get rid of friends? Adviсe:
Over time we all grow up
It is much more difficult to make friends as an adult. After all, now the world does not seem as welcoming and kind as before. We try to find hidden intentions behind every action, and the saddest thing is that they often really exist.
It is quite difficult to open up to strangers, which is why true friends appear so rarely in our lives. More often, a person just makes friends with whom he can have fun, but certainly not go on “reconnaissance.”
And yet, even in this period of life, we meet those whom we have the right to consider friends. Even if this doesn’t happen so often, this only makes their importance even greater. Having met such a person, you need to strive with all your might to develop your friendship so that it ultimately bears fruit.
So why do many people’s attitudes towards friendship change as they age?
The answer, in my opinion, is obvious. In youth, a person is less confident in his own abilities, he is just learning, just mastering this world, trying to find his place in it. He really needs friends at this stage of his life. After all, psychologically he must leave his parental family and face all the trials and challenges of the outside world alone, and become a hero. In these trials, he must harden himself, gain an independent adult position, become successful in his business, find a spouse, and give birth to children. The tasks, you see, are not simple.
And friends play the role of a support group for any person. If in childhood, when faced with fears or powerlessness, he resorted to his parents and sought consolation from them, then at the stage of growing up, the role of psychological support and safety net is played by friends and girlfriends.
Is it possible to live without friends?
Theoretically, a person can live without friends, but in practice such a life can hardly be called full.
Every person unconsciously wants to become part of some social group.
Living in a society without much connection with a specific person, the individual begins to feel lonely and unhappy. Therefore, for a full life a person needs friends.
If a person consciously does not want to make friends, saying that he does not need them, this can mean two different conclusions.
The first conclusion is a person’s reluctance to communicate and share his impressions and life events with someone. Such people are called introverts or phlegmatic people.
Why was it so easy to make new friends as a child?
Children always make new acquaintances with ease and within a few minutes they can call the first person they meet a friend. And it’s not even that they are not fully aware of who friends are. No, the truth is that children are the most selfless creatures on earth.
Every person, looking into his past, can easily remember what interested him most in childhood: sweets and fun. Everything else was completely unimportant. That is why it was so easy to make new friends, because almost all children have similar interests. Moreover, at this age we do not yet suspect that people are capable of betraying us or being hypocrites in order to achieve their hidden goals.
What to do if you don't have a friend?
Undoubtedly, it happens that a person has no friends - what does this mean? Several variants:
- The person is not sociable. And there are different reasons. First: a person simply does not need communication, due to: the mental makeup of the inner world, or he has internal problems that do not allow him to have friends and generally communicate freely. Such people can be recommended to work through internal problems, for example, using the Turbo-Suslik () system, which frees a person’s inner world from the burden of mental problems (from: fears, complexes, negative personality traits, limiting beliefs, negative attitudes (such as self-destruction, lack of money etc.) and much other mental garbage).
- After the betrayal of friends, there are fears of getting burned again. There is an opinion that you can only rely on yourself. And this makes sense. As they say: trust in God, but tie the horse.
- A pronounced introvert has virtually no need for communication. Such options do exist. A couple of fleeting phrases at work, as well as communication at home, are enough for such people.
- Inability to value friendship. Here it is advisable to reconsider your views on those people who surround you.
Good friends can:
Improve your mood
. Happiness can be contagious. Spending time with happy and positive friends can lift your mood and improve your appearance.
Help you achieve your goals
. Whether you're trying to lose weight, quit smoking, or otherwise improve your life, the support of friends can really increase your willpower and your chances of success.
Reduce stress and depression
. Having an active social life can strengthen your immune system and reduce isolation, a major factor in depression.
Support you in difficult times
. Even if you just have the opportunity to share your problems, friends can help you cope with a serious illness, job loss, relationship breakup, or any other challenge in life.
Will support you as you grow old
. As you age and retire, illness and death of loved ones can often leave you isolated. And then friends can help you, who can be a buffer against depression, disability, deprivation and loss. Staying socially connected as you age will help you feel positive and increase your happiness.
Increase your self-esteem
. Friendship is a two-way street, and the giving party contributes to your own sense of value and self-worth. Being on the other side for your friends makes you feel needed and adds purpose to your life.
But it has to be the right kind of relationship. The question to ask yourself is, “Am I really the best version of myself to spend time with these people?” I hope the answer is yes
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Significance at different stages of human development
In early childhood, friendship comes down to walking together, playing games, watching cartoons and other similar activities. Children easily quarrel and make peace, do not try to use each other and benefit from each other.
During adolescence and adolescence, friends become the most important people in a person's life.
It is to them that he entrusts his secrets and secrets, shares all his impressions, and spends hours discussing a film or a book he has read.
Often this communication stops due to moving, entering university and other circumstances.
In adulthood, friends share their everyday problems with each other, ask for advice about relationships, talk about family and troubles at work. Friends do not have time to meet frequently due to lack of time, but this does not spoil the relationship.
Friendship rarely lasts into adulthood and old age ; over the years it is simply replaced by marital relationships and raising children. However, there are friendships that last throughout adult life, but this rarely happens.
With age, a person becomes more self-confident, understands what he wants from life, so the need for old friends disappears.
A serious danger to friendship is caused by the marriage of one of the friends; now a person’s whole life will mainly revolve around his lover and children, pushing the friend far into the background.
However, friendship acquires its true meaning in trouble ; a true friend will sacrifice his time and interests to help and support.
He does not need to be asked or persuaded; he will voluntarily provide help and will not demand anything in return. In a difficult life situation, such a friend will not allow you to slide into the abyss of despair and depression.
What is a best friend?
Among all our comrades, there are always those whom we value much more than others. Their friendship is much more important to us than anything else, because they are the ones we call best friends. But why does this happen? What makes us make such a choice? And who is a best friend?
Best friends are those people whom you can unconditionally trust with any secret. You can always rely on them, no matter what difficulties you need to endure. They will not betray, will not deceive, and will guide you on the path of truth if there is such a need.
Quite often, people become best friends after going through a number of life situations together. Some of them may be sad, others, on the contrary, are pleasant to remember in the evenings. But they are the link that connects people for many years.
