Nobody likes friends who constantly push themselves. This may be flattering to some at first, but over time, even the person with the lowest self-esteem in the universe will tire of a clingy, intrusive friend.
But what’s even more unpleasant is being obsessive yourself. On the one hand, you can’t help it - you need her/his attention and approval. On the other hand, you subconsciously know that sooner or later your boyfriend or girlfriend will get tired of your behavior, and she will begin to ignore you, and potentially break up with you altogether. You may not even know why, although you will guess...
If you now notice obsessive behavior, it makes sense to stop it as soon as possible in order to avoid discord in the relationship.
And so, to help you, I wrote an article in which I list three ways to stop imposing on a friend or friend. I have arranged them in order from easiest to most difficult.
The first way is to control the frequency of contact with your friend. Requires willpower, but is effective in stopping obsessive behavior.
The second way is to intentionally communicate with more people. By expanding your social circle, you automatically reduce your susceptibility to imposing on anyone in that circle. Effective for suppressing emotional dependence, but suitable only for those who are not bothered by communication with new or less close people.
The third way is to subconsciously work through emotional dependence on a friend. The main advantage of this method is the direct solution to the problem, and not attempts to manage this problem. This method is effective for those who prioritize a radical reduction in the degree of mental masturbation, and who are ready to work on themselves for this. The method is not easy, but in the long term it gives a person many psychological bonuses.
The article turned out to be very long, so while still in the process of writing, I decided to break it into three parts. In this part, I will dwell in more detail on the first method, revealing its pros and cons. In the other two parts we will talk about the rest.
So, the first and probably the easiest way to stop imposing on your friend is self-control.
Why is it dangerous to become attached to a man?
Attachment is a manifestation of selfishness. When it arises, a woman begins to constantly make demands and be jealous. She is afraid that she will be abandoned, she tries to do everything for the sake of her partner in order to earn praise. She ceases to identify herself as a person and tends to idealize the person. You can not do it this way. In many ways, a painful attachment to another is similar to addiction. Therefore, we begin to behave inappropriately, and when our partner is not around, we experience withdrawal symptoms.
Men don’t like it when a girl becomes their shadow, while controlling and worrying too much. Therefore, relationships where one partner is attached to the other are doomed to failure. As a result, you will get a difficult breakup, self-dislike and self-esteem below par.
You need to understand that this phenomenon is dangerous, unhealthy and wrong. If you notice signs of attachment in yourself, start working on yourself.
How to deal with those who treat you badly
Almost each of us is surrounded by friends and relatives, communication with whom quietly poisons life. This could be a close friend, colleague or even mother. How to stop toxic communication and get out of harmful relationships without unnecessary losses?
Why do adults believe that other people must be reasonable, good and kind to them?
After all, this, in general, contradicts reality, life observations, and ordinary biology.
It is natural for biological creatures, which include humans, to experience aggression towards each other. Nature is interested in the population spreading as widely as possible, and the only way to achieve this is intraspecific aggression.
Many people have basic feelings towards each other - hatred and fear. Two strangers in the same territory are almost 100% guaranteed to begin to experience aggression towards each other. This is if we are talking about biology.
Therefore, it is not unusual that most people will treat you unkindly, to put it mildly. Perhaps with aggression, with hatred, with envy, with irritation, with anxiety, with fear.
In our current society, this attitude has also been aggravated by the special mentality of the endangered species of “Soviet people”. Those same ones who will never directly show aggression in front of someone stronger and more influential, because it’s scary, but who will definitely kick the defenseless or weak.
And hence all these problems with elderly relatives, with co-workers, with people who have gained even the slightest power over you and include the “janitor syndrome”.
For example, I have a sign hanging above my table that says “People are different. The world doesn't have to be comfortable." When I encounter inadequacy, I read these two wise thoughts. And life immediately becomes easier.
Imagine for a moment that it is not a person who acts, but the weather. Let's say something happened that you didn't expect. Rain is coming. Will you worry, not sleep at night, mentally reading angry monologues to the rain? Hardly. Most likely, you will simply think about how to make yourself as comfortable as possible. Take an umbrella, maybe call a taxi. Or reschedule the meeting for another day.
This is a reasonable approach. It also works in relation to inadequate people. Yes, there is such a character, and nothing can be done about it. Think about how you can make yourself as comfortable as possible, despite his attempts to achieve the opposite. With this approach, the worries disappear: “Oh, why did he do this to me?” I entered and entered, and you moved on.
You yourself understand that normal educated people cannot communicate like that. And, in an amicable way, we need to get rid of inadequate people.
Signs of Toxic People
We all have those “friends” around us who are actually more like enemies. They say nasty things, accuse, manipulate, hinder the achievement of important goals... At the same time, for some reason they are sure that they are telling the so-called “truth”, that they are great.
No, if someone tells the unsolicited truth, then this is a violation of the boundaries of another person. This is direct aggression. This is his attempt to assert himself at your expense.
Look carefully around. Who drains your energy and ruins your mood without giving you gratitude, joy, or a kind word in return? Very often these are in-laws or their own elderly relatives.
For example, a situation: a relative is sick and requires care. You can help by paying for a professional caregiver, but you don't have to personally endure the unbearable temperament and whims.
Or another example: a husband humiliates his wife, trying to prove to her that she is a fool and that she will not have a career.
This means that this husband is an enemy, he treats you badly, he definitely does not love you, but he is happy to assert himself at your expense. From the point of view of human happiness, it is incomprehensible to me why living with an enemy in the same family.
Or a mom who never misses an opportunity to make jokes. We either educate the mother or turn on the “ignore” mode and stop communicating.
We explain to mom that we won’t tolerate this. We clearly indicate the punishment: “If you say nasty things to me, we won’t communicate for a month, Mom. I will give money, but I will not tolerate the way you humiliate me. I have one life, I want to live it happy.” Mothers, after turning on the ignore mode, re-educate very quickly.
And don’t blame yourself unnecessarily. Mom didn’t say nasty things to the boss. This means he can control himself. She should be just as afraid of losing your favor as she was afraid of her manager’s reaction. If she sees your determination, she will behave perfectly. I'm sure - maximum from the third time. And everything will be very simple in your life: if they communicate well with you, they become friends; if they communicate poorly with you, you distance yourself.
On this topic, I recommend everyone read Karen Pryor's excellent book, Don't Growl at the Dog. This book teaches how to train unpleasant relatives to behave appropriately.
How to get rid of people who treat you badly
I advise you not to break off the relationship in one sudden move. This can cause unnecessary “showdowns” for you. It’s enough just to start treating such people as indifferently as possible. Stop broadcasting anything to them. Stone face, complete ignorance and no reciprocity.
Stop calling them yourself. Answer their calls immediately: “Sorry, your phone will run out any minute, quickly say what you wanted.” If they call on business, then in a minute they will have time to say everything that is most necessary, and will not spend half an hour talking about all the sores and other gossip. And if a person has nothing to do, then you just need to turn off the connection - and not let him steal your time.
Many people are burdened by feelings of guilt. But I want to say right away: you are not obliged to communicate with toxic people. You have your own life, your own children, your own dream, your own health. Don't waste these resources on people who treat you poorly.
It is their fault that they have not learned to be pleasant, to be grateful, and have not learned to exchange. It is their own choice - only to vampirize and pull all the resources from those around them.
The most interesting thing is that as soon as you make such a decision in your head, surprisingly, these people themselves begin to disappear from sight.
This happened to many of my friends from childhood and youth. As soon as I appreciated the scale of their envy and stopped thinking about them, they disappeared instantly.
Where can I get new ones?
You know, when a person is busy with his business, his dream, people of his level, like-minded people, are automatically drawn to him. True, it often turns out that even they are not particularly needed.
An adult no longer has that teenage desire to have many friends and waste hundreds of hours of time on them.
He is always faced with a choice - to realize his dream at this moment, spend time with his family, or waste energy on empty chatter, which will not improve anything in life.
I am sure that you need to get rid of those with whom you feel bad. If you have kind and loyal friends with whom you enjoy spending time, you can only be congratulated.
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Don't fall for manipulation
When we meet a new guy and we really like him, we happily put on rose-colored glasses with a big sign saying “I’m in love” and don’t notice the obvious things that are being done to us. There are men who deliberately behave in such a way that we become attached. It is necessary to monitor such moments.
For example, if a guy took the initiative and was actively involved in the relationship, and then disappeared for several days without a normal explanation, then you should be wary. Especially if this happens more than once.
I have had experience of such relationships. I was a very young girl and was experiencing my first crush, so I fell for such tricks. That relationship was a difficult but rewarding experience for me, and now I judge people’s behavior very strictly.
What to do if you can’t gently break off a relationship with a very obsessive person?
If the above methods were not understood by the person, then you need to start ignoring him, not answering phone calls and SMS, not opening the door to the house, or directly saying that you are tired, bored or in a hurry.
You can get rid of an overly intrusive person more quickly only by saying sharply and directly that his communication is tiring and he is being intrusive. They cannot understand any other approach, because they are too intrusive, so they need to be removed from your society.
Maintain your personal space
Don't let the guy immediately fill up all the free space around you. Don’t rush to introduce him to your friends, invite him home, or tell everyone around him about him. Keep a certain distance and maintain your own interests. Don't give up on them in order to meet a new acquaintance.
For example, if he invites you to go for a walk, and you have planned a workout for that day, then refuse. Say that you already have plans, and it’s better to meet another day.
Here I will also mention personal boundaries - they need to be defended, no matter how much you like the man. Everyone's boundaries are different. You will understand that they are being violated when your partner’s phrases, actions or questions cause discomfort. For example, if he criticizes your work, interests or hobbies.
Working with personal boundaries is very important to avoid becoming attached to unhealthy personalities. Read the article about who abusers are and why relationships with them are very dangerous.
How to tactfully hint to a young man that he is obsessive?
Some young people in relationships go too far with their frequent presence in their partner’s personal space. And such a moment should also not be missed or tolerated, because this can later affect the relationship and lead to its destruction.
The party that is bothered by the intrusiveness of the other half in some aspects (violation of personal space, frequent calls, SMS and control, imposition of one’s tastes and behavior) needs to, in a calm atmosphere and in a calm tone, start a conversation from afar about tastes and desires and reduce it to the fact that Everyone should have their own personal space, trust and some free time, but excessive presence and control are disturbing and alarming.
If the other half did not draw the necessary conclusions from this conversation, then you can start a similar repeated conversation and play it out so that the obsessive young man or girl takes the place of the one who is being bothered by this obsession (switch roles). In any case, calm conversations indicating that obsession is interfering with showing exactly how will help to correct something in the behavior of the annoying person.
Don't blend in with your partner
“Merging with a partner” was first put forward as a term by psychotherapist Murray Bowen. This means a strong emotional attachment to another person. A woman does not understand where she ends and a man begins, which leads to increased anxiety. Merging as one sounds beautiful, but in reality it causes constant self-doubt.
By the way, such a symbiosis is easy to notice if a woman often uses “we” instead of “I”, as well as phrases like “he’s like that for me...”.
In order not to merge with your partner, you need to be clearly aware of your “I” and feel like a full-fledged woman, regardless of whether there is a man nearby or not. To do this, take note of the following tips.
Learn to speak confidently
Sometimes it's hard to say no just because you don't know how to express yourself clearly and confidently. And you are afraid that it may sound aggressive or impolite. Learn to refuse without offending anyone.
Here are some simple statements to get you started:
- Right now (this week/this month) I can't do it.
- I have too many other things to do right now.
- Thanks for the invitation, but I can't at this time.
- I won’t be able to go with you, but then be sure to tell me how it went.
- Perhaps another time. I would be glad to have an invitation next week.
- Sounds great, but no, thanks.
Develop your confidence
A confident woman never becomes attached to a man if she barely knows him. Yes, she can fall in love, but at the same time she objectively perceives her partner, realizes his advantages and disadvantages.
If you have a lot of complexes and low self-esteem, then it is very easy to become attached to a man who is so strong and solves all problems. You consider yourself weak and are looking for a patron - but this is a road to nowhere. The problem will eventually get worse.
To avoid painful attachment, you need to become self-confident. To do this, engage in self-development, find new interests, and emphasize your strengths. Let him become attached to you, not you to him. Always love yourself a little more than others - this is the key to a healthy relationship.
Method 1. Control the frequency of contact.
Difficulty level:
Very easy.
Pros:
- Takes minimal time.
- Effective.
- Suitable for everyone.
Minuses:
- Superficial, does not solve the fundamental problem of emotional dependence.
- Potential danger of attacks of mental masturbation due to withdrawal symptoms.
- “Unnatural.”
Time costs:
From 5 seconds to 3 minutes.
***
This method can be safely recommended to anyone who is inclined to impose themselves on their friends. It does not require any effort, while being very effective in terms of managing relationships with a friend or girlfriend.
Don't rush to have sex
Intimacy causes a strong surge of the hormone oxytocin in a woman. She feels loved and safe. Of course, if you and your partner spend the night together, affection will grow - it's inevitable.
Therefore, it is best to enter into an intimate relationship only under the following conditions:
- the time spent with your partner is enough for you to develop trust;
- you yourself really want this connection, and do not adapt to his desires;
- the guy confessed his feelings to you and proved them with his actions.
There is no specific moment when it is okay to make love. You have the right to decide for yourself whether to do this on the first date or after six months of the relationship. But the risk of becoming attached is higher if you have already entered into intimacy with a person. The connection will become more serious, you will begin to make some plans, dream about the future, which is dangerous if you still don’t know your chosen one well.
What can you do to avoid trying to please everyone?
Luckily, there are a few steps you can take to help you balance your desire to make everyone happy without stepping on your own throat.
Clear boundaries
Set boundaries for yourself about what you are willing to take on. If you feel that someone is asking too much, let them know that it is beyond what you are willing to do and that you will not be able to help.
For example, you can only accept phone calls at certain times to set limits on when you can talk. Or you can explain that you are only available for a certain period of time. This can be helpful because it ensures that you are in control of not only what you are willing to do, but also when you are willing to do it.
Start small
Changing yourself and your habits is difficult, so start with small steps. Start by periodically saying “no” when you know for sure that they will do without you.
Practice saying the word “no” in various situations, such as talking to a salesperson, ordering at a restaurant, or even when communicating with colleagues.
Set goals and priorities
Think about how you want to spend your time. Who do you want to help? What goals are you trying to achieve? Knowing your priorities will help you determine whether you have the time and energy to invest in others.
If something is draining you of energy or taking up too much of your time, take steps to solve the problem. As you practice setting these boundaries and saying “no” if you don’t want to do something, you’ll find that you suddenly have free time for yourself. You can dedicate it to what really matters to you.
When you feel tempted to give up, remind yourself that you deserve to have time for yourself. Your goals are important, and you don't have to waste your time and energy on things that don't bring you joy.
Give yourself time to think
When someone asks for a favor, tell them you need some time to think about it. Saying yes right away will make you feel obligated. By taking time, you will have the opportunity to think and decide whether to take it on or not.
Don't exclude other men from your life
This recommendation sounds strange, but it will be useful for girls who tend to get attached. Because, being surrounded by other men, you will feel more confident and in the subconscious you will gain confidence that your chosen one is not the only representative of the stronger sex on the planet.
Try not to disappear from companies where there are other guys, and also choose a male trainer or doctor. Being surrounded by men does not mean betraying your partner. This is just a little trick that will benefit your self-esteem.
Bottom line
How to get rid of obsessive people?
- If a person is not very intrusive, this can be done with the help of a hint in a conversation about his behavior.
- If a person does not understand the hint, start behaving like him (calling and coming without an invitation and staying at a party for a long time, boring you with your conversation, even if the interlocutor cannot and does not want to start a conversation). As they say, wedge with wedge!
- With a very intrusive person, all of the above methods are powerless, so you need to get rid of such people sharply and completely (not answer the phone, don’t open the door, or directly say that his company is tiring).
Don't romanticize
Attachment is formed not because we spend a lot of time with our partner, and not even because he is very good and interesting. Everything happens because we think a lot about this person, keep his image in our minds and fantasize.
Try to dream less about dating, do not assign non-existent qualities to him, so as not to be fascinated by the person. Look at things more soberly. Think about whether you imagine your new chosen one as a prince on a white horse.
Realize the need itself
Why did you decide to break off this relationship? Awareness of the reasons will not allow you to succumb to momentary weakness when remembering the good moments of your relationship and will give you strength to build new boundaries. Do you feel like you are being used? That you stop being yourself or change for the worse? That you just feel sorry for the time and emotions for this communication? Take at least a short break , allow yourself to be away from this person and find answers to the questions posed.
Do not give in to emotions and provocations: it is useful to think carefully about ending communication with a “cool head”
In order for this difficult process to go smoothly, determination is required. Any hesitation or attempts to revive communication introduce unnecessary drama. Remember: if you feel bad in this communication, you have the right to end it unilaterally . In many situations, it will be healthier and calmer for both to explain themselves without leaving any unanswered points, but for this you need to have a remarkable sense of tact, true diplomacy and politeness.
Parting gracefully without leaving any grudges is a special skill
How to let go of attachment in a no-strings-attached relationship
It happens that two people do not dare to have a serious connection at the moment, but want to have a companion nearby for entertainment and a sense of fullness of life. I believe that such a phenomenon has a right to exist if it is comfortable for both people. But there is one danger - attachment on one side.
When you feel that you are non-reciprocally immersed in a person with whom you have agreed to a relationship without obligations, immediately look for a way out of the situation. Possible options:
- Talk to the man whether he is ready for something more serious than free meetings.
- If he is not ready, then decide whether you are able to restrain your desires, or whether such a relationship will bring you too much suffering.
- Weigh the pros and cons of whether to stay in this relationship.
- Leave if there are too many negatives for you.
Chances are, if you have feelings, you won't be able to deal with them in this relationship. You will suffer from loneliness and lack of reciprocity. To preserve your self-esteem and sanity, it is better to leave early.
Minimum conflicts
You made a decision: yes, this communication takes up your time/finance/internal resources, and therefore you simply don’t need it. Naturally, you cannot present your thoughts to another person in this form - it will be painful, it will be offensive, such straightforwardness borders on arrogance and arrogance. How to properly end communication without unnecessary drama ?
- Build new boundaries in relationships, do not allow them to be broken by gradually increasing the distance.
- Conversations “for life” are now a thing of the past. Be careful not to give a person random hope by allowing him to pour out his soul to you once again over a cup of coffee.
- If there is a serious reason for the breakup (a friend set you up, a guy cheated on you, a friend gossiped ugly, etc.), it is recommended to speak openly about it. If a person really has a “snout in the cannon”, he will draw conclusions and disappear from your life. If the situation through the eyes of another is seen completely differently, listen to his arguments. Perhaps you missed something, and the relationship is not so hopeless yet.
- If you seriously intend to dot the i's, do without direct accusations - this may cause counter-aggression and a constructive dialogue will not work. Try to talk more about your emotions (“I’m upset,” “I don’t understand,” “this really upset me”) rather than about the actions of your opponent.
Any final conversation, if one is planned, should take place on neutral territory that does not evoke any associations with previous communication for both. The dialogue should be as restrained and polite as possible, not touching on personal topics. Simply avoiding a person is often not an option at all: there are many questions left, unsaid things, and second-guessing and second-guessing is unlikely to be in your favor.
The end of any communication is rarely painless for both
How not to get attached to a man who doesn't reciprocate your feelings
If you feel addicted to a guy who has made it clear to you that he doesn't want to be together, follow these tips:
- Learn to push away thoughts about him. As soon as you feel sad and remember him, switch your focus. Dance, play sports, read a book, learn a poem.
- Look for flaws in it. Remember only the worst moments - those that brought you pain. Get angry at this man for the suffering he caused, and then throw out the energy - through the same sport, for example.
- Do not isolate yourself from your loved ones and friends - they will help you get out of a difficult period.
- Visit public places and have a social life. Use your free time to do something to take your mind off things. Perhaps this is how you will meet a new gentleman.
- Understand that this is all temporary. After a few months you will feel better. Praise yourself for every day that you don't think about or contact this person.
- Take advantage of the situation when you are alone. Learn how to cope with feelings of loneliness.
- Get a pet - this will help you remove some of your attachment to a man and redirect your attention.
Finally, stop feeling sorry for yourself. Such attachment is a disease. It needs to be treated, either on your own or with the help of a psychologist, if you can’t cope. Give yourself a chance at a new relationship, healthy, full of mutuality and understanding.
If the suffering is very strong and you cannot switch, then allow yourself to cry, but for a certain time. Set aside 15 minutes a day that you will lie down and deliberately complain about your unfair fate.
I once heard this advice in a psychologist’s video and put it into practice. When I felt like I wanted to suffer, I set a timer for 15 minutes, curled up in a ball and began to feel sorry for myself, think how unhappy I was and how cruel people were to me. Believe it or not, after 2-3 minutes I realized the stupidity of this activity and turned off the timer, and then went about my business as if nothing had happened.
Try it, maybe it will help you too.
How do obsessive people behave?
These “stuck” ones are really very easy to identify. Obsessive people extremely love to attract all the attention of the audience and society to themselves. And most often they do this by inserting themselves into the conversation, increasing intonation during conversation, and shifting the topic of conversation to their person. If we’re not talking about a conversation with an obsessive person, but about his presence in your life, then everything is completely neglected here! Intrusive people like to come when they were not invited, and the most interesting thing is that it is very difficult to send them out the door, since they absolutely do not understand hints, and even if you tell them directly that you are tired of their company, they can easily stay on as a guest .
As for the intrusiveness of a young man or girlfriend, their behavior includes excessively frequent calls, long meaningless conversations, unexpected visits that last until late, obsessiveness in advice and tastes, excessive presence in personal space.
You need to find a special approach to this type of person in order to clearly convey to him about his excessive presence and intrusive behavior, since obsessive people understand hints very poorly.
