Whining is far from the last place in people's lives, and complaints are now found everywhere: in personal conversations, in public places, on forums, in correspondence. The habit of complaining is formed from childhood, therefore, as an adult, solving the problem of how to stop whining over trifles becomes quite difficult.
Whining is considered a behavior style and a way of perceiving problems. Whining people include those people who are not satisfied with themselves or their environment and selfishly constantly demand something from society. The complaints of such people should be taken calmly, since for them the solution to an exciting topic is not important; for them, the discussion of a pressing problem is important. Therefore, it would be advisable not to react to a whining person and not to be influenced by his consumerist attitude towards communication.
It should be remembered that listening to other people's complaints takes away energy. This kind of communication is toxic. The complainer transfers his negativity to another person. Therefore, often a dissatisfied, whining person irritates those around him, to the point that he can cause hatred towards himself. Whining is a very contagious activity, because as soon as one starts complaining, the tendency to despondency can be picked up by the person listening.
How to stop whining if this habit is strong and optimistic views on a person’s life are quite rare. It is important to realize that it is pointless to plunge into hopeless melancholy and complain about life. Whining inherently does not solve anything, and no matter how much a person does it, the cause of dissatisfaction will remain.
Psychologists have found that positively thinking individuals live longer, are more successful in life, and have good social connections. But fans of despondency have a high probability of getting a heart attack, because they are unhappy with everything and often beat themselves up. At first, a person’s whining will be treated with condescension, but then such behavior will cause bewilderment and irritability. Everyone has problems, but others somehow cope on their own, without “draining” their dissatisfaction with life on others.
You can stop whining if a person realizes that his behavior causes irritability and contempt among those around him. Whining is a sign of a weak personality. Such people are avoided and not respected in the team.
Throw away what you don't need
Get rid of junk that has been sitting around for years. Follow this rule: if you haven’t used something for two years, get rid of it. You may be indignant, saying, why should good things be thrown into the trash? And you'll be right. If someone can use something you don’t need, give it to someone who needs it more.
Think about it: you have a bunch of clothes in your closet that you definitely won’t wear anymore because they’re out of fashion/no longer to your taste/not your size, and so on. And some people have absolutely nothing to wear. So wouldn’t it be more noble to give these clothes to someone who really needs them, rather than clutching another blouse to your chest and telling yourself, “the day will come when I’ll wear it.”
Today there are many centers that accept any used items and then distribute them to those in need. Therefore, scoop out everything that you no longer need and drag it to such centers. This way you won’t have to torment yourself with thoughts of your own wastefulness.
You can also try taking some of your things to a pawn shop, maybe you can get some money for an old DVD player, for example. In general, there are more than enough options. Realize that you don't need that much clutter in your home. By getting rid of unnecessary figurines, souvenirs, books that you will never read, old equipment, clothes, and so on, you will feel better in your home.
Causes of self-pity
Selfishness within reasonable limits is a completely organic phenomenon for any person. Anyone who does not respect and value himself will never become a worthy representative of society in the eyes of society. However, in some cases, a person is overtaken by such a misfortune as an excessive feeling of self-pity.
The causes of the problem may lie in the following factors:
Excessive demands on reality. Life is a complex process that often cannot be adjusted. In this case, you can often find whiners who simply dissolve in self-pity. All objects existing in the Galaxy are to blame for their troubles. In this case, the countdown must begin from the microbes and bacteria that had the audacity to penetrate the whiner’s body. Further claims are made to the guilty Supreme Intelligence, who dared to interfere in the whiner’s life. It is very difficult to communicate with such people, because when talking with them you can hear a huge amount of negative and unnecessary information.
Hypochondria. In this case, I immediately remember the giraffe Melman from the famous animated film “Madagascar”, who was sick with literally everything. The suspiciousness of people of this type sometimes turns into a mania for persecution by all kinds of misfortunes. A hypochondriac man will not find only signs of pregnancy (and that’s not a fact!), and a woman with such a character will only be calm about the absence of prostatitis in her body. At the same time, self-pity is so overwhelming that it’s time to seek help from a competent psychotherapist.
Dependence on other people's opinions. Only a cowardly or hypocritical person can deny the obvious fact that society is sometimes extremely cruel towards some subjects. Another question is how the victim of condemnation relates to such a fact. There are such shocking, self-confident people who don’t care about gossip and criticism. However, at the same time, a legion of suspicious and weak-willed people suffer nearby. For them, the opinion of others is a verdict that is beyond doubt. Self-pity in this case is of a hidden nature, so as not to give rise to additional ridicule from the persecutors.
“End of the tunnel” situation. It's hard not to start feeling sorry for yourself if fate has smacked you in the face. In this case, people react to the problems that arise in different ways. This only turns the rebels on, giving them a reason for a new fight with fate. A person with a more lethargic life position launches a program of strict self-analysis, which gives him all the parameters for self-flagellation. After the destruction of his own “I,” such an individual begins to feel sorry for himself, complaining about the universal disharmony in relation to such a wonderful person.
Betrayal from loved ones. Sometimes this happens solely in the head of someone who begins to feel sorry for himself. For example, let's take two literary characters: Arthur Burton (Gadfly) and the Count of Monte Cristo. Both are rebels with an unhappy fate, which was changed by both people and circumstances. The situations are different, because Gadfly, with the imaginary betrayal of his beloved Gemma, was offended by the whole world. Edmond Dantes (Count of Monte Cristo) took a different path, taking revenge on his real offenders and not becoming a victim of self-pity. Consequently, everyone reacts differently to the fact of betrayal by people significant to them.
Manipulation of loved ones. Most likely, this is the most unpleasant cause of self-pity. The fact is that either experienced provocateurs or selfish people to the core do this kind of thing. There are rare cases when vulnerable and insecure people feel sorry for themselves at the expense of their loved ones.
It is very important for them to show themselves weak and defenseless in this world full of dangers. If we formulate the problem more briefly, it looks like a diagram: I am good - you are strong - danger - I feel sorry for myself - help, because I am good.
Cleaning
Get your home looking its best by spending a day or two doing some deep cleaning. Wash those curtains already, the dust in which has added an extra kilogram to them, clean the dust from under the furniture, get to those hard-to-reach places where you have always been too lazy to go. Overall, make your mom proud by keeping your home clean.
And, yes, wean yourself from the habit of throwing clothes anywhere. Dirty clothes should be in the laundry basket, clean clothes should be in the closet. Dot. There is no need to create fields planted with T-shirts, jeans, shirts and other things. A chair is designed for sitting, not for hanging clothes on. An exercise bike is a thing that people use to keep fit, not as a hanger.
Complete all tasks
Have you been planning to take your tablet to a service center for a year now and have the cracked screen replaced? Do it now or sell this tablet for parts and buy a new one. Make a list of things that have been hanging over your head for a long time, but you still can’t get around to doing them. And, crossing off task after task, complete them as quickly as possible.
Having gotten rid of thoughts like “Oh, I’ll have to do *name of the task*...”, you will feel lighter and more joyful, because you will not have the burden of responsibility for unfulfilled tasks. And for the future, try to do everything at once, and not put it off until later.
Start playing sports
To your question “Why?” We have several answers at once:
- You will have more energy
- Your mood will be better
- Your health will be better
- Your figure will be better
- Your mind will become sharper
- You will sleep better
And these are not all the advantages that sport will give you. So stop being lazy and start training. If you feel like you don't have the energy to workout, just start it and you'll be surprised how much energy you'll have.
Eat right
Breakfast is required. And no excuses, teach yourself to eat breakfast. This way you will get a boost of energy for the whole day and get on the path to losing weight. And if you want to skip one of your meals, skip dinner.
Try to eat one vegetable or fruit with each meal. Not that hard, right? Well, your body will thank you for this and delight you with a huge amount of energy.
Don't overeat. Eat more often, but less, so you won't overload your body, and the calories you get from food will be spent evenly, and you will be energetic throughout the day.
Drink water! Not sodas and juices, but plain water. Place a glass of water by your bed in the evening and drink it in the morning as soon as your alarm clock rings. This will help you wake up and feel energized.
Time for a change
Last winter, after several extremely difficult and unpleasant moments in his life, including the death of a loved one and the breakdown of a relationship, Loke's pessimism reached its peak. She returned home after a hard and long day of work and found that her last strength had left her, and the fire inside had completely died out. She sat in the dark on the sofa and cried. She lived the life she had dreamed of since her youth - Loke became a successful editor living in New York. But she was unhappy. She knew something needed to change.
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Don't do things that depress you
Do you dislike your job so much that you feel stressed just thinking about it? Quit your job. There are always options, and holding on to your position just because you might someday be promoted is nonsense. No amount of money is worth living in constant stress because of work.
The same applies to some everyday matters. Do you really hate cleaning the house and do you force yourself to do it every time? Hire someone to do deep cleaning once a week. But just don’t apply this rule to those things that you are simply too lazy to do.
How to stop feeling sorry for yourself?
Yulia Burlakova 184 2 years ago Business coach, psychologist-consultant, instagram.com/pobudilnik, I hold events in St. Petersburg to sum up the results of the year
“Feeling sorry for yourself” in a healthy way means “feeling sorry for yourself.” And it is important to learn to sympathize with yourself. This is what most of us have been deprived of since childhood - a healthy culture of empathy for our feelings, good and bad.
There is a negative and incorrect stereotype: “Why are you feeling sorry for yourself? Stop feeling sorry for yourself." Sometimes a person needs to grieve: divorce, dismissal, something doesn’t work out chronically.
Another thing is that he may become a victim of secondary gain: not solving deep-seated psychological problems, but constantly quitting, continuing to take advantage of the cheap pity of others. He creates emotional inflation for himself. With each quarter and six months, the internal response and support from this pity is less and less convincing for him. This is a question of our awareness, balance and adult position: “What part of me now really needs sympathy? How can this empathy be provided to me by myself, environmentally and responsibly. So that no one gets hurt: neither me, nor those around me, nor my body, nor my health.” Going out and getting drunk on vodka is also considered a form of self-compassion, but it is not an environmentally friendly form. This is the destruction of health, psyche and social connections.
Self-pity needs to be reformatted into self-compassion, to make it a practice: “What do I need now? Why am I in so much pain now? How can I provide this for myself? This is the path to healthy self-esteem and self-healing. This is very important to do, because the only person who can help us is ourselves. The faster you integrate this simple thought into yourself, the faster qualitative improvement will begin. If you feel like you are reveling in pity, masturbating to this trauma, then it means it is underexpressed, underlived. Something that especially hurts you. Mom spoke to you rudely, and you completely fell out of control for two days. What hurts you needs to be worked through with a good, safe psychologist or psychotherapist.
If you're chronically failing to achieve your goals and wallowing in pity, try a different approach—coaching or books. There is no need to blame either yourself or others at this moment. Don’t do this, even if you are advanced, you understand psychology, that a person in a state of victim has a benefit for the victim: not to change anything, to reproduce the same passive pattern. Don’t leave your drinking husband, complain to all your friends, stuck in Karpman’s triangle “victim, rescuer, persecutor.” The person may not have the resources to leave this dysfunctional relationship.
To cut from the shoulder, “you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself”: I wouldn’t say that. We have too little empathy for ourselves and others. This is where 90% of our problems and horrors come from.
Learn to forgive
Resentment hangs like a dead weight on us, preventing us from feeling happy and moving on. Finally, let go of old quarrels and forgive those with whom you are offended. Better yet, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and look at the situation through their eyes. Maybe there was nothing to be offended about.
Know how to admit when you are wrong. Standing your ground and proving your own innocence is not a way out of a dispute if you are to blame for the current situation. Tame your pride and learn to admit your guilt.
Main differences
What is the difference between pity and compassion?
First of all, because there is strength in compassion, while in the second feeling it is absent. A compassionate person is always ready to be there, even if he cannot help. Even just being present is an indicator that the situation, no matter how difficult it may seem, can be endured. When you have a reliable shoulder, there will certainly be a way out. It is healing even in situations that seem hopeless. Let's say a person is on the verge of death. The situation is clear - there is no salvation in sight, but those who sympathize with him will still not leave. Showing love has a healing effect on the soul. Pity is a powerless, sticky and cloudy feeling. Compassion is characterized by activity and wisdom. It always seeks a balance between accepting, letting go and taking action. Many areas of Buddhism, for example, prescribe the development of certain qualities in oneself. This religion proceeds from the fact that every person initially has a lot inherent in him. You can become a victim of circumstances, or you can successfully cope with them
The main thing is to make the right choice. Pity does not contain sympathy, but in compassion it is present, prompting one to help another in overcoming his suffering. The key difference between these feelings is that one is destructive and the other is constructive. Pity is related exclusively to regret, and compassion is aimed at providing assistance in overcoming the current unenviable circumstances. Another important difference is the feeling of leniency. It always follows pity
But his compassion is deprived, the other person is perceived at the same level, not lower. Pity is characterized by isolation, and compassion by integrity. People who are pitied do not get anything good from it, and continue to remain victims. This attitude does no good to anyone. Being poor and unhappy is a road to nowhere. By feeling sorry for someone, a person plunges him even deeper into darkness and misfortune. This behavior is a kind of message of the image of inferiority. People who are pitied get used to being weak and can remain inactive for a long time. Often, drastic measures must be taken to overcome bad circumstances. But why do this if it’s easier to be poor and unhappy. People who feel sorry for themselves happily share the existing burden with others - this is an effective way to shift responsibility for their own actions and actions, to demand understanding and attention. The distinctive feature of compassion lies in the fact that it comes from the depths of the soul. This feeling makes it possible to look at others without shuddering or emotion, and to always remain calm. True compassion is not an emotional experience, caring for a loved one - it is the perception of the suffering of others on a spiritual level, accepting them as they are. By being compassionate, you can calm the suffering person and take on his pain. To empathize means to be in the place of someone who has to suffer. Regret is realizing that a person is in trouble, but at the same time feeling relieved that this did not happen to you. Compassion is characterized by activity; it pushes one to search for ways that can reduce suffering - not just to console and pretend that “everything is fine” when in reality it is not, but to find a way out of the current circumstances. A compassionate person does not separate himself from the world around him and feels absolute equality before everyone. Compassion is a higher feeling; it stimulates avoidance of suffering, and pity only increases it.
Do what you like to do
Spend time on your hobby, family, friends, on yourself, in the end. Don't have enough time due to work? Either look for another one, or make sure that work doesn’t take up all your time. And yes, we know how much money is needed in the modern world. But we know one more thing - not a single person before his death regretted that he worked little. Quite the contrary, everyone regrets that they missed out on many important things because of work.
Help from a psychotherapist
However, some people, for example, those with increased personal anxiety, need outside help to understand how to stop feeling sorry for themselves and start living without looking back at their past mistakes.
Carefully analyzing literally every day of his life in a conversation with a psychotherapist, a person, as if from the outside, evaluates everything that happened to him, which made him upset and lowered his self-esteem. Only by admitting to yourself that you are excessively compassionate can you move on and fight for mental happiness and peace of mind.
Alcohol is not part of your diet
No, we are not talking about giving up alcohol and becoming a teetotaler. But if you get drunk with enviable regularity, then you should think about it. Find your drink and enjoy it without getting drunk. Learn to appreciate the relaxed state that 100 grams of strong alcohol gives you, and be content with it, rather than getting drunk into a stupor.
And yes, if every Friday at the end of the working day you rush to the bar and get so drunk that the next day you don’t remember who you are or where you are, then you should seriously think about the level of stress that your work brings to you.
Why do we tend to regret the past?
Our smaller brothers do not know how to regret the past. But we can. Because our psyche is much more complex. We know how to mentally transport ourselves into the past and harp on and harp on the same events over and over again. Moreover, we do not harp on the facts themselves, but on our ideas about them.
The picture of the world that we create in our heads is subject to the influence of so-called cognitive distortions - natural properties of our mind, inherent in every person, and responsible for the deviation of the emerging model of reality from reality itself. Regret is a consequence of these very distortions.
However, we can not only detect these distortions, but also eliminate them. More on this a little later. In the meantime, let's look at the distortions that are responsible for our regrets about the past.
And finally, change what you don't like!
Don't like your figure? Improve it, and don't complain about being overweight. Are you annoyed by your other half and you understand that you don’t feel love for this person? Break up and stop whining about how sick you are. Don't like the job? Quit and look for another one. Earning little money? Use your brain and look for options. Don't want to live in your own country? Move!
Seriously, go for it! Sitting and complaining about how bad your life is is pointless. And remember that every time you complain, you attract even more problems to yourself. Change the world around you and be happy.
Constant self-pity
Sometimes self-pity turns into a real emotional swamp. A person simply does not find the time and energy for other feelings: from morning to evening he feels helpless, unhappy, as if trying to pat himself on the head and console him.
This condition is quite rare and may indicate quite serious disorders of the affective sphere.
- Often, heightened self-pity indicates the presence of a depressive personality disorder that requires long-term treatment.
- Self-pity often arises after a person has suffered a severe traumatic situation.
In this case, negative experiences are considered the norm, although you should not refuse to work with a psychologist either. Be that as it may, if it is self-pity that comes to the fore in personal experiences, it is worth seeking the help of specialists.
Maxim Gorky once said that “pity humiliates a person,” but this is about ineffective pity, when there is no help and sympathy, but only the mournful faces of neighbors and awkward silence.
Although this option suits some...
