How to overcome shyness and become more confident

Every day you can meet a huge number of insecure and shy people. But, according to experts in the field of personality psychology, shyness is a trait of every person, it’s just expressed in everyone to a greater or lesser extent. So, even if you do not suffer from a pronounced form of shyness, in any case, reading this article will benefit you, not to mention those for whom shyness is a serious problem on the path to a fulfilling life.

Next, we will naturally present several effective ways to combat shyness, but first it’s worth talking about what it actually is.

Learn to be brave

Shyness is the exact opposite of confidence. So, if you strive to be a confident person, then you must have the determination to do what you are afraid of. For example, giving a speech in front of a large audience. However, before you do this, you need to set yourself up properly, encourage yourself, tell yourself: “I will do it.” This will help you be more courageous and confident. The more often you try to deal with your shortcomings, the closer you become to your goal - to stop being a shy person.

Lifehacks

Let's look at a few small life hacks to help remove shyness and uncertainty. These are short tips that fit into one or two sentences.

Record a video with your camera, for example, summing up the day. This way you will learn to express your thoughts and will worry less about speech deficiencies.
If you mess up in communication, then you can admit it to the person. “For some reason words don’t work for me at all, I’m probably overworked.” This will indicate that you are an open person who admits his shortcomings.
If you don’t know where to look and what to do, don’t do anything . This will give you freedom and relaxation. Don't play on others.
Come up with a couple of prepared phrases that you can talk about with a stranger. If you can't think of anything, use surrounding events and objects to talk.
Switch attention from yourself to the interlocutor, ask him questions.
If you are embarrassed about your shortcomings in appearance, go online and Google. For example, if you have a big nose, look for “big nose.” You will be shown the faces of other people, and you will understand that you are worrying in vain .
Everything is determined by your condition. If the pause is awkward and you are embarrassed, then it will be awkward for the interlocutor too. If you are silent and behave as if nothing had happened, then everything will be fine for the other person.

Don't be afraid to talk to others

Practice, practice and only practice. Talk to other people over a glass of wine or just a cup of coffee or tea. Ask the person what brought him to this place, to this event. If he keeps up the conversation, ask him to tell you a little about himself: what he does in life, what he is interested in, what he likes and what he doesn’t.

The interlocutor will feel that you are interested in him, and this will endear him to you. Communicate with others as often as possible, do not hesitate to make new acquaintances, and after a while you will notice how your shyness begins to evaporate.

Authority

The first thing we need is a relaxed state in society. Just remember: when you communicate with a friend, you don't worry. You are not shy about your words, long pauses and bad jokes. You're kind of in a neutral atmosphere and you're not afraid to screw up.

Approximately this state should be achieved in conversations with ordinary people. A state in which you and your interlocutor will be at the same level of significance. (Naturally, this does not apply to the size of the wallet or the position held, we are talking specifically about the internal mood). [adsense1] In order to achieve this state, you need to constantly increase your confidence and self-esteem. You must respect yourself, feel your inner strength. Meditation and spiritual practices are unlikely to help with this; you need to start doing something in the outside world, give your all and give it your all. You need to accumulate achievements that you will be proud of and that you will remember. At a certain point, when there are enough of them, you will be able to communicate with people easier because you will not put someone else's authority above yours. Here are some examples of what you can do to improve your confidence:

Join the gym
Start running
Earn a certain amount of money
Write a list of your past victories
Find a passion and develop it
Engage in self-development
Read books (see books on self-development for girls)
To study a foreign language
Set daily goals and achieve them
Find what you don't like about yourself and work on it

Also, to increase your confidence, you need to get rid of all controllers and idols. These could be influential friends, popular people, overbearing parents, etc. You need to start doing what your soul wants and filtering the opinions of people around you. You have to be yourself and listen to yourself, because this is the only way to develop independence, confidence, and then emancipation.

In fact, this is enough to loosen up and get rid of shyness. All that is required is confidence and normal self-esteem, and the rest will take care of itself. However, let's look at a few more ways to approach the issue holistically.

Fight your shyness every day

Here's what helps me fight shyness every day:

Don't be afraid of rejection . If a complete stranger or even an acquaintance refuses you something, then think about it, is it really that scary and have you lost something?
Stop beating yourself up and imagining the worst. In your own head you are in captivity, from which no one can get you out except yourself. If you belittle yourself in every possible way, you will soon believe it yourself and begin to behave accordingly. It will be enough for other people to simply look into your eyes to understand everything: in front of them is an extremely insecure person.
Remember that no one is perfect . Other people have exactly the same shortcomings and problems as you. No, I don’t encourage you to rejoice in the fact that “others are no better,” just understand that everyone experiences exactly the same as you. And most people have absolutely no time to think about you.
Inhale and exhale. Everything will be OK .

The most important

Let's start with the most important thing - determine what is really happening. No matter how, you find yourself in unfamiliar company. There is a person standing in front of you with whom you need to chat - exchange a few words, joke, discuss any issues, etc. Naturally, you want everything to be successful, because this is a normal desire for any person.

However, for some reason the body tenses up, the eyes begin to dart, the speech becomes crumpled in general - everything is not going as smoothly as we would like. What's happening? What happens is that you start to worry. Why are you worried? Because you are afraid of making a bad impression. This is where the shyness mechanism comes into play . It’s better to do nothing and say nothing than to blurt out something wrong. “What if they condemn you,” says the brain.

This is the whole problem. Shyness is a fear of other people's opinions , not a character trait. By overcoming this fear, you can free yourself from the bars that bind your emotionality and, as a result, overcome your timidity. But how to do this? Let's finally get to practice.

Any failure is a wonderful lesson

Shyness is something that many people suffer from, myself included. I believe that our upbringing and environment play a big role here. Don't be afraid of what other people will think of you. You don't have to make a big deal about it, you have to be able to take risks. Don't worry about someone making fun of you. Every failure, every failure is a wonderful lesson that will help you become more self-confident in the future. And don't forget to remind yourself that you will get through this problem.

Training

When a person enters an acting school, difficult challenges await him. On instructions from his teacher, he is forced to approach strangers and tell them complete nonsense. At first he feels ashamed and uncomfortable, but then it greatly helps him feel more relaxed on stage. [adsense1] This test can be transferred to our lives. Of course, you don't need to make an idiot of yourself and humiliate yourself in front of people. It is enough to simply ask passers-by for directions or time. In fact, it’s not so easy, especially when in front of you is a “cool guy” in his Mercedes.

You can also try to always take the initiative into your own hands. If you are in a company and need to resolve any issue, take it upon yourself . Talk on the phone, order a service, show the way. The more often you communicate with strangers, the faster you will get rid of shyness.

Other people don't think about you at all

I'm also a shy girl and I've always wanted to change that. Every time I have to say even a couple of sentences in front of a large group of people, I say to myself:

They are strangers to you, they know absolutely nothing about you. It is unlikely that they will remember your name or recognize you after a couple of days on the street. Even if you do something wrong, they will just laugh and forget about it in a minute.

This may seem too simple and naive, but it really works, at least for me. For example, I don’t speak English very well, but I can focus on the main goal - to convey my idea to people and try not to pay attention to my mistakes.

Reasons for shyness

Self-doubt and shyness are concepts that are almost identical. Yes, the main reason for shyness is a person’s lack of confidence, low self-esteem, and excessive self-criticism. All this is ingrained in us in childhood, so the main reasons for shyness should be looked for there.

Reasons for shyness:

Parental education . Children of overly strict parents may be shy around their family. At the same time, in the company of friends, at work, in a team, a person will feel absolutely comfortable. Or, on the contrary, due to grafted complexes, a person will feel out of place with everyone except his family.
Heredity . If both parents have a similar trait, the child adopts this style and inherits shyness.
Criticism . Did you often hear criticism directed at you in childhood and adolescence? Was it unreasonable and came from people important to you: parents, relatives, teachers? Then don't be surprised if you feel shy and insecure in most situations.
Low emotional intelligence can also cause a person to be shy. It is difficult for him to express his thoughts verbally, so he shows it emotionally.
Lack of communication with peers in childhood makes itself felt in the future. If a person simply does not know how to communicate with people, he will feel fear and constraint.

Understanding the cause of shyness is the first step to overcoming it. Everyone can experience self-doubt in one situation or another, but if this feeling does not leave you for a long time and interferes with your life, it is worth starting to fight it.

Shyness is an inner monster

I was also very shy. It felt like there was some evil creature living inside me that wanted to take control of my body and life (it may sound stupid, but it’s true). My main goal was to fight this inner monster every day, that is, I tried to do exactly what he is afraid to do. Of course, I made a lot of mistakes and stumbled a lot before I learned all the rules of the game.

And then the inner monster left my body.

How do you deal with shyness? Share in the comments.

Shyness is not introversion

Introversion and shyness are not the same thing. Introverts like the most relaxed social environment and often they are not loners - they get along well with people, they just don’t want unnecessary fuss and noise, so sometimes they prefer to stay at home, ignoring parties.

If an introvert (let’s take a generalized image) is tired of parties, then a shy person is simply frightened by them: I will need to get acquainted with someone, how will they evaluate me, I look disgusting, why does this guy look at me like that and similar questions begin to tear at the nervous system even before the party itself.

The most interesting thing is that among shy people there are more extroverts than introverts. It is the acute desire to socialize that encounters a psychological barrier that gives rise to a painful feeling of shyness before communication. Such people often try to put on a sort of “loner” veil over themselves, imagining themselves as a free person who does not need anyone, although in fact they deceive themselves every day and are forced to remain in a cocoon, suffering more and more from the lack of contact with others.

Ways to overcome modesty

How to stop being shy?

Analyze situations in which a feeling of awkwardness arises.
Understand yourself, find the true reasons for shyness.
Work on yourself, explain why you shouldn’t be shy, why there is no reason to be afraid or ashamed of yourself.
Imagine a situation in which shyness usually occurs and mentally overcome it.
Facing fear halfway is a real practice of a traumatic situation and a new model of behavior.

You can overcome shyness on your own or by visiting a psychotherapist. The scheme is always the same:

behavior analysis;
identifying the cause;
work on mistakes.

This method is applied to almost all types of psychological problems.

What does shyness lead to?

It would seem that what is wrong with the fact that a person is shy of society and strives for solitude. But few people without experience in psychology understand that a person’s behavior of this kind is just the tip of the iceberg. The worst thing happens in his head. He hates both himself and those around him because circumstances are such that he cannot be a normal member of society. And every time the party ends, the shy person constantly conducts a deep analysis of his behavior, uncomfortable moments constantly emerge in his memory, for which he is terribly ashamed. As a result, the problem gets worse.

So, let's look at what shyness leads to:

Complete lack of self-confidence. A person is not able to manage and control his own life processes. He goes with the flow and always follows the lead of those who are more persistent; he will never defend his own point of view. As for work, they go where there are no interviews and the need to often appear in front of their superiors. As a rule, it is shy, shy people who often sit on the other side of the computer and write custom texts.
They will never share their ideas and thoughts, even if they are completely confident in their success. Such persons never move up the career ladder - they are ready to silently do whatever is ordered and never express themselves, as long as they are not touched or scolded. It is quite difficult for shy people to create relationships; they cannot meet the opposite sex. Even worse, such people are always unsure of their sexual abilities. Of course, this question concerns men more. Such guys, due to their shyness, often suffer from “psychological” impotence and need the help of a serious specialist.
A lot of phobias are acquired. Constant isolation, solitude, and communication only with people from the family circle create conditions under which global types of phobias arise. Fears especially relate to crowds of people and contacts with the opposite sex. But various phobias may also arise, such as fear of the dark, transport, spiders, closed spaces, etc.

Where does it come from?

It's all about self-criticism. Shy people are unusually dependent on others, they have low self-esteem, there is uncertainty and even dissatisfaction in life. A shy person is ready to limit himself to standard work, in which he will not be seen by others.

He will be ready to remove all friends from his life, just to experience less social stress. He is completely lost in simple everyday situations, such as making phone calls or communicating with sales consultants.

Each time the situation only gets worse, because every action that you fail to implement in communication is a small blow to your self-esteem, a step towards even greater isolation. You can no longer understand how to get rid of shyness and tightness. The inner Samoyed that lives in a shy person completely destroys your self-confidence. In such a state, overcoming oneself is practically a feat.

If you want to get out of shyness, there are many steps you need to take. When you begin to overcome yourself, decide how to deal with shyness, or even just think through your actions, it becomes easier for you. Time after time, without steps back, you will move towards a free existence in which you can discard excessive modesty. Indeed, in our case it is really unnecessary, simply because it interferes with life!

Decide on a goal

Any action becomes much more effective when it is purposeful. It is clear that constant embarrassment interferes with your life, but you need to explain to yourself exactly how it interferes with you. It is possible that the formulated goal will become an impetus for overcoming the old problem.

Eric Holtzclaw

Serial entrepreneur, author of Laddering: Unlocking the Potential of Consumer Behavior, radio host

Even though I perform, write, and host a radio show, I am an introvert at heart. But as the head of the company, I had to talk about our products and services. It required me to come out of my shell and deliver a message to the world. I overcame my shyness by realizing that only I could ensure that my message was delivered correctly. After realizing this fact, I took steps to make public speaking and meeting new people easier for myself.

How to get rid of shyness

You need to start by identifying the cause. What triggers your shyness? Excessive self-criticism, low self-esteem, high demands on yourself, lack of social skills, past trauma?
Learn to control the tension and confusion that comes with shyness.
Get rid of egocentrism. Stop focusing on your feelings and self-blame.
Shyness is caused by a distorted self-perception. A shy person is characterized by the thinking of a “small” person, a victim, and a negative attitude towards the world. Moreover, the more a person allows shyness to consume him, the more his perception, memory, and self-control are distorted. Accordingly, you need to work with the development of positive thinking and the formation of an adequate self-concept.
Adjust your self-esteem.
Increase your self-esteem. To do this, it is enough to engage in socially significant activities, for example, volunteering.
Accept yourself. Understand yourself, find out what exactly about yourself you are afraid to show to people. What happens if you are yourself?
Remember under what circumstances and conditions you achieved success and successfully entered into a relationship. What resources did you have and do you have them now? What resources do you need to get?
Learn to be confident in your abilities, do not pay attention to outside opinions and stereotypes. Make it a rule to behave the way you want. Don’t be afraid to lose something, because you will gain yourself, and this is much more important. Ultimately, the meaning of any life is living in harmony with oneself.
Learn to communicate with people and be attentive to them.
Make friends with yourself, learn to live happily and in harmony. Everything else will follow. If you strictly follow your inner plan and goals, then you will always find your place in the sun (work, friends, family), even if your current environment and work environment goes away. But the new conditions will be yours, and not who they wanted you to be.
Regularly expand your comfort zone. You can only overcome shyness by force, forcing yourself to contact people and do things that frighten you. But, of course, it is more important to change the inner world, since it determines our thoughts and behavior.
First, open up to yourself, then to the person closest to you. Gradually show the real you. Realize that this saves energy and time when dating, prevents future misunderstandings and disappointments, and protects you from irritability and internal contradictions.
Do not build ideals and do not look for idols, although it is worth adopting certain desired character traits. Talk to people who have them. Surely every successful, happy and confident person will answer “I can just be myself.”
Enrich your vocabulary, broaden your horizons, take care of your appearance, work on your image.
Learn to notice and relieve muscle tension. Feel your body and relax if necessary.
In a situation of increased shyness, repeat to yourself “I have the right to...”.
Don't be afraid to look stupid in front of other people. To do this, get together in a group just to fool around, act out scenes, talk in a ridiculous voice. Develop a sense of humor.
Force yourself to communicate with strangers, for example, as an exercise, ask for directions or time, conduct some kind of survey, for example, on the topic “Do you evaluate random passers-by?” or “Are you afraid of other people’s opinions?”, or “Are you embarrassed?” I am sure you will receive many positive responses, which will demonstrate the similarities between people. You are not alone in your problem, and in general this is normal. Or maybe you’ll find out that people are fixated on their own problems and don’t even notice the mistakes of others.
Find something you like that matches your interests and abilities, and realize yourself in it and make regular progress.
Recognize and accept the fact that you have the right to make mistakes, to refuse, to be independent; don’t make excuses and don’t please someone. Just like all people have the same rights. Recognize the personality in yourself and others, learn adequate altruism.

Shyness is very similar to social phobia - in both cases it is a fear associated with social interaction. Dealing with shyness on your own is not easy, since it requires, first of all, a correction of the self-image. In some situations, to overcome shyness and normalize the psychophysiological state, I recommend using self-regulation techniques. To fully work with shyness, you need to understand the root causes and its specific manifestations. To do this, it is better to consult a psychologist.