We have already discussed the management of emotions in some detail on the pages of our website (course “Emotional Intelligence”), but this issue will probably never lose its relevance, and therefore we continue to create materials on this topic.
If you know how to always control yourself and maintain composure, we can only be happy for you. But there are people for whom this is very difficult, and our new article is designed to help them master this skill, which is useful in everyday life.
The ability to restrain emotions (control anger, rage, aggression, etc.) will be useful everywhere: from ordinary communication with family and friends to resolving work issues and conducting business negotiations. Let's figure out how to learn this.
Resources for work
At the end of the master class, the presenters asked the audience: what practices do you use to change your attitude towards problematic situations? What thoughts and attitudes help you maintain your internal balance throughout the day and work week?
Here are some answers. • Phrase: “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” •Attitude: “I will solve problems as they arise. I am solving pressing issues right now. Those questions that can be postponed, I postpone them.” •Approach: “The main thing is to get involved! Let’s get started, and then we’ll figure it out!”
Why do we need emotions
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Emotions reflect the inner world of a person. Using them, we show the outside world how this or that event affected us, demonstrate our attitude towards other people, perception of a specific situation, and so on.
And you can repeat as much as you like that you are not at all worried about what happened, but you will still be betrayed by manifestations of anger, disappointment, fear, relief, or another emotional reaction.
The main function of emotions is evaluative . They help us establish the most preferred directions. To explain in simpler terms: people change the direction of their actions and plans, guided by the emotions they experience. Relying on inner feelings, we can find the most correct solution in the current situation.
In addition, emotions have another function - mobilizing . They activate additional sources of human energy. Moreover, we are talking about both positive and negative experiences. Often they provide the necessary charge, an impulse that forces a person to act actively.
For example, you were told that you are not capable of anything. Naturally, such a conclusion will cause in you a whole storm of negative emotions (anger, rage, hatred, resentment) and it is they who will give you the energy to start acting, proving to the offender that he was wrong.
The most important role of emotions is to help perceive current events not in the form of separate fragments (went to the cinema, made an appointment for a haircut, read a book), but as a whole, all-encompassing picture (for example, an exciting journey). That is, a separate part of life.
All events that take place in a specific period of time are united by a common feeling. Therefore, we often designate certain time periods according to the dominant emotional state: an unpleasant meeting, a boring conversation or a fun trip, an emotional conversation.
Also, with the help of an emotional state, a person understands what or who appeals to him, and what, on the contrary, causes rejection or hostility. Thanks to the language of emotions, we establish contact with our inner self. But, despite the huge role of emotions in life, it is important to learn to control them, otherwise they can begin to harm you.
Proper nutrition
Human nutrition plays a special role in this section. Food that evokes extreme feelings arouses corresponding emotions in a person. Taking into account the repeated repetition of food intake, certain habits develop to experience certain sensations. As a rule, this aspect eludes a person, and he does not see the connection between uncontrolled emotions and nutrition.
For example, the habit of eating sugar-containing foods often leads to sexual addiction or excessive sensitivity in a person. It is advisable to gradually balance your diet, ideally with simple vegetarian food. Knowing what problems a person faces in this matter, we recommend gradually increasing the percentage of fresh fruits and vegetables in the diet.
How to control emotions without suppressing them
Psychologists say that systematically suppressing experienced negative emotions is extremely harmful to health; it provokes constant internal tension and leads to the development of many psychosomatic diseases. However, controlling emotions and suppressing them are radically different things.
All negative emotions that we try to restrain are divided into 2 types:
- Emotions caused by internal tension.
- Emotions provoked by external factors.
Let's talk about both categories in more detail.
Emotions caused by internal tension
We are talking about a hypertrophied reaction to external stimuli, which was provoked by accumulated irritation. In simple words they can be described as “Enough.” Such emotions manifest themselves during chronic fatigue, a difficult period in life, as a result of a hard day at work, and so on.
At first, the person tried to suppress emotional reactions for a long time, and at a certain moment he “broke through” and gave a violent (perhaps even inadequate) reaction to a completely insignificant event.
How to cope with the first category of emotions?
- Let the tension out. But this is not about throwing a violent tantrum or quarreling with someone. Just imagine a kettle standing on the stove and boiling. The water in it began to boil, she tossed the lid, threatening to knock it off. If you don’t do anything, sooner or later water will leak onto the stove, which will provoke a new problem. It will be much more effective to turn off the stove in a timely manner and remove the kettle from the burner.
Now draw an analogy - you are a boiling kettle, you want to throw out the negativity, that is, scream, cry, throw a scandal. But won't you create new problems with such behavior? Rather, you will earn the reputation of an inadequate person. If you want to resolve the situation peacefully, then learn alternative ways to relieve tension.
These include the following:
- taking a relaxing bubble bath;
- yoga, fitness;
- breathing exercises;
- meditation practice;
- a walk in the fresh air;
- trip to nature.
You can add other options to this list. The main thing is that you do not suppress negative emotions, but get rid of them peacefully. That is, turn off the stove and kettle in time.
- Avoid tension . You can give vent to negative emotions, or you can prevent them from appearing. This method, however, is considered more complex; for it you will need to put things in order in your head, in your thoughts. You need to achieve a state of mind and nervous system when external factors do not lead to internal tension.
This skill is possessed, for example, by yogis who have been meditating for years. If we recall the situation with the stove again, we find that their stove never turns on, so nothing makes the kettle boil and the water splash out.
Develop and train willpower
Thanks to willpower, you can easily and simply learn to control your emotions. Willpower is your internal resource, with the help of which you will manage not only your emotions and body, but also change your life for the better.
Emotions, like drugs, tempt us, cause addiction and turn us into slaves. Willpower helps you overcome this temptation.
You can develop willpower through asceticism, meditation, sports, planning your day, maintaining personal hygiene, maintaining order around yourself, fighting gastronomic weaknesses, getting rid of bad habits, etc.
Stop hanging out with toxic people
Why do you need to limit or completely stop communicating with toxic people? The fact is that people have the ability to transfer their emotions to other people. And if you communicate with positive and pleasant interlocutors, then your mood improves noticeably, and you yourself begin to feel much better.
Constant communication with toxic and negative people can turn the most cheerful optimist into a grumbler dissatisfied with anyone and nothing who looks at the world through the prism of the darkest pessimism. If you want to learn to control your emotions and be in harmony with yourself and the outside world, then you should definitely refuse to communicate with such people. If you can’t completely cut off the connection, then do everything possible to reduce communication with the toxic person to a minimum.
Start living a healthy lifestyle
Our lifestyle affects our emotions in the most direct way. If you want to learn to control your emotions, then be sure to reconsider your lifestyle. Avoid fatty and heavy foods, alcoholic beverages, smoking and other bad habits. Start exercising, eating right and going to bed on time. Spend more time on your spiritual growth and personal development.
Find a hobby that will become your outlet. If at school you attended a young naturalist club and loved picking mushrooms, then why not now go into the forest and enjoy communion with nature? A hobby will help you forget about problems and worries, give you the opportunity to escape from routine and everyday hustle and bustle, and will help develop willpower and increase vitality.
Meditation
However, this condition is not always stable. Meditation leads to better results in controlling emotions
. Meditation is a fairly common term nowadays. There are a huge number of different meditation techniques and their variations.
Classical yoga involves a state of deep concentration
on any object. In Sanskrit it sounds like “dhyana”.
It must be said right away that this is a rather long path and not the easiest technique, which may take a modern person years to master. But if a person manages to realize the state of dhyana, then he takes himself to a new level of being. Deep calm and self-control are some of the qualities that can characterize a person who has achieved and mastered internal practices.
Yoga asanas
When starting to master techniques for managing emotions through the body, it is best to go from simple to complex. Asanas are a very good tool for self-transformation, which develops patience, endurance and observation. By cultivating such qualities, we do not just block emotions, we replace them with better models of behavior.
Definition of self-regulation
In a broad sense, mental self-regulation is considered as one of the levels of regulation of the activity of living systems, which is characterized by the use of mental means of reflecting and modeling reality.
Thus, mental self-regulation includes control of the behavior or activity of the subject and self-regulation of his current state. There are also narrower interpretations of this phenomenon:
- “Mental self-regulation is the influence of a person on himself with the help of words and corresponding mental images”
- “By mental self-regulation we understand mental self-influence for the purposeful regulation of the comprehensive activities of the body, its processes, reactions and states”
According to V.I. Morosanova, self-regulation is understood as “integrative mental phenomena, processes and states” that ensure “self-organization of various types of mental activity” of a person, “integrity of individuality and the formation of human existence.”
What all definitions have in common is the identification of the human condition as an object of influence and the focus on the use of internal means of regulation, primarily methods of psychological self-influence.
Observer state
There is another technique that allows you to take control of your emotions. A person gradually in the process of life (work, home, travel) develops the state of an observer of his feelings and thoughts. Observer State
You can master shavasana well in time after a complex of asanas. By studying ourselves, our reactions to various events, we can over time classify which emotion arises when.
Usually our reactions are of the same type and almost everyone can predict their occurrence with practice. By acting proactively, we can either not bring events to our reactions, or be already prepared for the expected emotion, which in itself will weaken it. Thus, we will be able to avoid many negative events, maintain friendly relations and conduct more constructive activities.
In conclusion, we recommend using all of the above techniques in a comprehensive manner. Gradually, you will be able to notice that your sharp reactions to certain events become softer, the sharp corners of your personality are erased, and thanks to calmness you can make better decisions. The key to success is always making the decision to change yourself and take responsibility for your life, no matter what events happen outside.
Shatkarmas - cleansing techniques
An important link at this stage is the complex of shatkarmas - actions to cleanse the body of waste and toxins. It is known that toxins greatly affect not only our physical health, but also our mental state. The shatkarma complex also includes techniques for calming the mind. For example, contemplating a candle flame relieves tension from the eyes, prepares a person’s mind for deeper practices that affect the emotional sphere of life, and puts a person in a blissful state. Often people ignore this area of knowledge, please do not forget about cleansing!
Take a little break
If you feel like a teapot that is about to boil, then you should take a short break to cool down, because this condition is very dangerous for both physical and mental health.
Do not react immediately to a situation that causes you negative emotions. Think about how this situation can be resolved. Come up with several options, and then choose the one that is most optimal for you.
To learn to control your emotions, you should remember that you first need to cool down and calm down, and only then can you begin to solve the problem. Analyze the situation objectively, look at it not as a direct participant, but as an outside observer on whom this situation has no influence and for whom it does not evoke any feelings.
If you make a hasty decision under the influence of emotions, you will later experience a bitter and unpleasant feeling of regret. By taking a short break, you can focus your attention on those details that go unnoticed during an emotional outburst.
The great importance of self-control
Containing emotions, the ability to first think carefully about a situation and only then take action is a very valuable skill in life. By controlling emotions when necessary, people can more easily and effectively solve various problems (social or personal), plus improve their relationships with others.
The skill of emotional self-control is developed in childhood and subsequently improved in adulthood. It makes a person stand out from the general background. Every day we are faced with a variety of temptations, which in many ways can be overcome by controlling the emotional sphere.
Of course, this skill is of particular importance for teenagers: it helps to form a strong character, develop habits, and skills that will contribute to success in adulthood.
How to explain to a child what emotional control is? It is best to do this by personal example, because parents are the main source of role models. And if you yourself have not learned to take control of your emotions, then it would be naive to believe that your children will master this skill.
Therefore, start with yourself: try to control the emotions you experience and make decisions based on logical reasoning, and not on the initial emotional reaction (feelings of fear, aggression or joy, euphoria). When there is no self-control, you cannot be sure of the correctness and adequacy of your actions and judgments.
It is very important to maintain composure even when other people behave inappropriately. After all, as soon as we allow our opponent to take us out of emotional balance, we give him control over our emotions, thereby falling into his power.
For example, when you don’t like the tone in which your interlocutor speaks to you, try to abstract from his intonation, shifting the focus to the meaning of the words spoken. Will what is said hurt you if the emotional coloring is turned off? Once you feel the initial dissatisfaction, do not allow yourself to be driven out.
How to control emotions: useful tips
Of course, in words everything always sounds simple, but how to do it in practice? Here the following recommendations from psychologists will come to the rescue.
Recommendation 1 - Do not allow a “boiling point”
Expert psychologists have long proven that no matter how emotional a person is in character, he can pacify his violent temper without allowing himself to go into extreme states. And this means both negative and positive emotions. Again, developed self-control is something that should be emphasized.
Let’s imagine a situation where you have a heated argument, your opponent’s words affect you like a red rag on a bull, you feel like you have “boiled” emotionally. At such a moment, it is important to stop, pause in communication, for example, leave the room.
Even a few minutes will help you realize that you did the right thing: the emotional intensity gradually fades away, you begin to think more soberly and thoughtfully. Just think how much effort and nerves can be saved with such a simple manifestation of willpower.
Recommendation 2 - Stop making excuses for yourself
For hyper-emotional people (mainly representatives of the fair sex), who do not know how to take control of their emotions, it is typical to constantly look for “justifications” for their behavior. The famous PMS, bad weather, burdened heredity, creative nature, difficulties with relatives, and so on are used.
Indeed, our psyche is susceptible to external factors, but we should learn to take responsibility for how we behave, regardless of our internal state.
Recommendation 3 - Limit strong emotional outbursts
In the modern world there is a huge number of sensations and entertainment that can give a whole range of different emotions. So, you can go to the cinema with the effect of being completely present in the film, jump with a parachute, ride a crazy roller coaster...
And although such entertainment initially evokes positive emotions, in the future, especially sensitive people may experience increased heart rate, sweating, nausea, fear, panic and other unpleasant symptoms. And such strong emotional swings will not do you any good, so think twice before going to such an event.
Recommendation 4 - Practice breathing exercises
Breathing plays a vital role in the process of curbing unnecessary emotions. He deserves more attention. And now we are not talking about incomprehensible techniques, but about completely natural oxygen saturation of the brain.
Feeling emotionally drained? Then close your eyelids, first inhale slowly and deeply through your nose, filling your lungs with oxygen. Hold your breath for a few seconds and then exhale slowly through your mouth. This exercise should be repeated 8 to 10 times, its effect will be increased vigor and emotional calm.
Recommendation 5 – Communicate with calm people
They say that it is enough to say who is in your environment to understand who you are. If you constantly interact with calm, balanced individuals, they will charge you with their calmness and it will become easier for you to control your emotions.
Also, exclude conflicting people from your social circle who constantly provoke quarrels and clashes. After all, when you don’t have bad emotions, the problem itself will gradually go away.
Recommendation 6 - Solve problems
As a rule, people fall into a state of stress because they feel confused, do not know what to do in the current situation, how to cope with the problem that has arisen. However, you can approach any task from the other side, starting to perceive it as a kind of challenge that requires the manifestation of all your abilities and intelligence.
Anything can happen, but it is always important to control yourself. Just breathe out and think that all situations always have a solution and you will definitely have the strength to find it!
Piano playing
Playing the piano imaginatively helps manage stress and emotions.
Polina Zelenko , practicing psychologist, Gestalt therapist:
— Imagine a piano. And then write down on a piece of paper what you do to get rid of unwanted emotions when you are sad, bad, irritated, feeling apathetic or angry... Someone “eats” stress, someone goes to bed, someone goes for a walk with friends or vice versa, secluded... These are the piano keys. There will almost certainly be few. If you look at it, when we feel bad, we press the same keys. Due to intensive use, they sooner or later fail and stop working. To prevent this from happening, you need to constantly invent and try new “keys”, i.e. come up with other options to “exhale” - draw, start weaving with beads, jump with a parachute, beat a pillow...
In fact, there are a lot of “keys”; you can use everything your imagination can do. In addition to ways to relieve internal tension that involve risk to life, yours or someone else’s.
What is self-regulation
Let us take a closer look at the concept of “self-regulation” in psychology and pedagogy.
In psychology
Self-regulation means assessing the situation and adjusting one’s own activity directly by the individual. As a result, the results of the action are adjusted. There is voluntary and involuntary self-regulation.
Voluntary form is characterized by conscious control of behavior in order to achieve the desired. With the help of conscious self-regulation, a person develops individuality. Involuntary is more aimed at survival and self-preservation - subconscious defense mechanisms are triggered.
The norm is considered to be a situation where self-regulation is formed and develops in parallel with personal maturation. If there is no personal development, a person does not learn to bear responsibility, then the situation worsens. The development of self-regulation is impossible without personal growth.
In adulthood, self-regulation helps subordinate emotions to intellect, but in old age the balance shifts again towards emotions.
Aspects influencing self-regulation
:
- external environmental conditions;
- personality traits;
- features of the relationship between the individual and the environment;
- goals of activity.
Simply put, self-regulation is socially acceptable methods of dealing with feelings and emotions, as well as accepting norms of behavior, respect for others, and adequate reactions.
