Regardless of how conflict-prone a person is, in the process of life he somehow becomes a participant in it. Conflicts arise as a result of clashes of opinions or interests, so they can arise at home, at work, and even when going to the store. If a dispute arises suddenly, then often the person does not have time to find the right words, so he replays the situation afterward and rethinks his words. Many people dream of learning how to manage conflicts and be able to emerge victorious from any controversial situation. So, how can you learn to manage conflicts and emerge victorious?
What is conflict and conflict management
Conflict acts as one of the ways to develop relationships between people. It is characterized by the emergence of a controversial situation when one of the participants in social relations does not agree with the other. Conflicts have different directions and have far from a minor role in human life. With their help, it is possible to resolve contradictions that have existed and developed for a long time, but due to some circumstances have not been resolved. In addition, conflicts help to gain support and find new friends or allies if they occur in a group of people. However, the negative side of the coin also exists. Often people do not know how to competently respond to conflict and manage it, as a result of which they lose in controversial situations. Which subsequently leads to a decrease in self-esteem, a reluctance to express one’s own opinion and a constant replay of situations from the past in order to find the best solution to a long-ended conflict.
Conflict management is a psychological technique that helps a person decide in which direction the conflict will develop. Even non-conflict people often become participants in controversial situations, this is justified by the fact that relationships between people simply cannot be built without contradictions. It is worth noting that not every conflict can be managed, but most can be resolved based on your desire.
How to determine the opponent's intentions in a conflict situation?
Conflict management should begin from the moment it arises. It is necessary to learn to assess the situation and analyze the intentions of the interlocutor, and the cause of the conflict. It can be formed not as a result of a conflict of interests, but as a consequence of a long-term resentment that was not expressed by the person initially. In order to manage the conflict, it is necessary to assess the opponent:
- The opponent is trying to resolve the situation in his favor, however, he behaves insecurely, the principles are not adequately defended, and the goal of the conflict is not clear.
- The interlocutor fights back, is confident, and persistently leads the conflict in a direction beneficial to him. However, it differs in that it provokes a verbal altercation with the aim of elevating the conflict to the level of mutual insults and humiliation.
- The person behaves stubbornly and unbalanced, the person shows open aggression. He does not try to defend his position with arguments and facts; his weapon is moral pressure with shouts, insults and aggression. If such a person cannot exert moral pressure, then his only weapon remains physical strength. You should not try to resolve such conflicts in your favor; it is better to try to smooth out the controversial situation and retreat.
- A person striving for power will try to suppress with his “authority” in controversial situations. The purpose of the conflict for him is to show that he is in charge and is leading the conflict.
- An adequate opponent will behave with restraint and try to listen to the position of all parties to the conflict. Its task is to resolve the conflict peacefully, without infringing on other participants. It differs in that in a situation it looks not only for the problem, but also for options for solving it.
It is not always possible to quickly find your bearings and understand how the other party to the conflict is feeling. Therefore, to manage conflicts with loved ones, it is recommended to create an individual rave card for them.
It will provide you with information about what vulnerabilities a person has and how he manifests himself in different situations. You will understand how the interlocutor assimilates information and will be able to correctly resolve conflicts with your household or even reduce them to a minimum. In addition, you will help your loved ones identify their true selves, find deep values and look at conflicts from a different perspective.
Don't look for someone to blame, look for a reason
Conflict moderators should focus not on finding someone to blame, but should go to a higher level - focus on finding out the causes of the conflict.
If you need to discuss the mistake of a specific person, then this can be done without accusations. For example, talk about the process during which the error occurred - find out whether the person had all the necessary information, which prevented him from doing everything correctly right away. Maybe the cause of the error lies in external factors?
After the discussion, you can ask the parties to the conflict what needs to be done to avoid mistakes in the future? And what needs to be done to avoid conflict?
Managing conflict to your advantage
Carrying out an analysis of the situation as a whole will allow you to determine the tactics of behavior in the conflict, which will allow you to become a winner. Of course, the most favorable options for resolving conflicts are situations when all participants either reach mutual satisfaction or make mutual concessions. However, achieving such an outcome can be extremely difficult. In order to determine how you should behave, do not neglect to try to take a break. Taking a break does not mean admitting defeat; this way you can postpone the resolution of the conflict and choose the most beneficial tactics of behavior and conflict management. Ask your interlocutor to explain the purpose and cause of the conflict, based on this, determining how to manage the situation becomes much easier.
There are several ways to manage conflicts:
- Rivalry. A person accepts the opponent’s position, openly enters into a conversation and defends his position. In this case, the person gives the second opponent the opportunity to speak. This form of conflict resolution is suitable for conflicts of interest that occur “here” and “now”. However, this method of decision, if you express your own thoughts incorrectly, can lead to defeat.
- Avoiding a controversial situation. With this method of conflict management, the resolution of the situation is postponed for a certain period of time. This is done in cases where the opponent has aggressive behavior and it is impossible to build an adequate dialogue with him. After the person has cooled down, you can choose a different way to manage the conflict.
- Cooperation. Involves resolving long-term conflicts or conflicts with avoidance of resolving the situation for a certain period of time. In the process of resolving a conflict, it is necessary to listen to the enemy’s position. Most often, this method of conflict resolution is suitable for situations where the opponent is an inadequate person. Therefore, the most advantageous behavior is to persuade the opponent to make mutual concessions.
- Finding a compromise. This method of conflict management is aimed at persuading the opponent to find the most optimal solution to the situation. Suitable for those cases when the second participant in a disputable situation cannot defend his position, but prevents the end of the conflict.
- Device. Suitable for resolving conflict situations when the opponent is extremely negative towards you. Ideal for situations when you begin to fear for your moral and physical health. Accommodation is formed by smoothing over the conflict and creating the impression that you have accepted the opponent's position.
In order to direct the conflict in the direction you want, you need to delve into the essence of the conflict and not ignore the behavior of the other participant. By correctly analyzing the behavior of the participants, you will identify their weaknesses and be able to emerge victorious from the situation.
2.5. Negotiation
Of all the ways to overcome confrontation between the parties, negotiations between them are the most effective. They are characterized by the fact that the parties try to achieve at least part of what they want and take on certain obligations. In order for negotiations to be possible, certain conditions must be met:
— interdependence of the parties to the conflict;
— lack of significant differences in power among the subjects of the conflict;
— correspondence of the stage of development of the conflict to the possibilities of negotiations;
— participation in negotiations of those parties who can actually make decisions in the current situation.
Properly organized negotiations go through several stages:
1) preparation for the start of negotiations. Before starting negotiations, it is necessary to diagnose the state of affairs, determine the strengths and weaknesses of the parties to the conflict, predict the balance of power, clearly formulate your goal and possible results of participation in the negotiations, resolve procedural issues: Where is the best place to negotiate, what kind of situation is expected, is good relations with the enemy important? in future. According to many researchers, the success of all activities depends 50% on this correctly organized stage, and the lack of information leads to suspicion and mistrust of the participants, that is, to a deepening of the conflict;
2) initial choice of position (official statements of the negotiators). This stage allows you to show your opponents that you know their interests and take them into account, determine the field of maneuver and try to leave as much space for them as possible. There are several possible tactics for starting negotiations:
- you can be aggressive in order to put pressure on your opponent, to suppress him;
— successful negotiations contribute to the establishment of relaxed personal relationships, the creation of a friendly atmosphere, and the demonstration of interdependence;
- small concessions can be used to achieve a mutually beneficial compromise;
- obtaining a small advantage contributes to the provision of new facts and the use of manipulations;
— simplicity of the procedure is achieved by joint search for information;
3) search for a mutually acceptable solution, psychological struggle. At this stage, the parties test each other’s capabilities, trying in every possible way to seize the initiative. Opponents come up with facts that are beneficial only to them, and claim that they have all sorts of options. The goal of each participant is to maintain balance or a slight advantage. The mediator's task at this stage is to direct the negotiations towards finding specific proposals. In the event that negotiations begin to dramatically affect one of the parties, the mediator of the new party must find a way out of the situation;
4) completion of negotiations or exit from stagnation. There are already a significant number of different proposals and options for this stage, but agreement on them has not yet been reached. Time begins to run out, tension increases, and some decision needs to be made. A few last-ditch concessions by both sides could have saved the whole thing. But here it is important that the parties to the conflict clearly remember which concessions do not affect the achievement of their main goal, and which ones nullify all previous work. The mediator, using the power given to him, resolves final disagreements and leads the parties to a compromise.
Humanity has accumulated vast experience in negotiations. In recent decades, a number of rules and procedures for their implementation have been defined. The parties to the negotiations, the direct participants, the topic, channels of mutual communication, and information are determined. It was noted that there are difficulties in establishing criteria for assessing both the progress and the results of the negotiations. In general, the behavior of the participants largely depends on the situation, as well as on their educational and cultural level, will and other personal characteristics.
Managing conflicts in relationships
When conflicts arise with a partner, it is necessary to choose the right tactics of behavior. The first thing you should do is allow your partner to abstract himself from the current situation. It is recommended to listen carefully to your partner without trying to interrupt or comment on his words. This way, you will achieve your partner’s disposition to resolve the conflict in a calm atmosphere, without unnecessary shouting or displays of aggression.
After your partner has calmed down, you should carefully persuade him to discuss the problem. Try to suppress his emotions at any manifestation; it is important that your partner fully expresses his position. If your partner continues to develop the conversation in a negative way, set him up for positive memories. When he shows emotion again, point out his positive qualities and praise him. A person will not be able to conflict with you if he sees that you are friendly.
Express your feelings carefully, without focusing on the negative aspects of the conflict. Talk about how conflict makes you upset, but don't point out your partner's negative behavior. This behavior on a subconscious level changes the partner’s perception, he begins to think that the situation arose because of both of you and your feelings are as important as his. Once you understand that your partner is aware of your feelings and is ready to talk, try to sort out the essence of the conflict. You need to competently combine the problem and ways to solve it so that your partner is subconsciously inclined towards your solution.
When sorting out relationships, do not forget about respect. Do not get personal under any circumstances, try to match your true “I” even in such a situation. You can find out what the true “I” is by making a calculation in the Human Design System. It will provide you with complete information about what kind of person you really are and will help to establish the reasons for your movement along the path of the False “I”, which prevents the revelation of your true essence. By following the path of the true “I”, you will find harmony with yourself and your body, learn to understand yourself and clearly perceive the information that your brain processes daily. In addition, calculations in the Human Design System are a unique opportunity to find out your strengths and vulnerabilities. Knowing them, you will get a chance to learn how to use them correctly, which will greatly simplify your life.
Conflict management: universal recommendations for any controversial situation
To manage conflicts of any nature, there are several tips that will help you set your opponent up for the behavior you want. The advice is suitable even for those cases when it seems that the other participant in the disputable situation is completely inadequate.
- Always give the opportunity to express your opinion and position. Listen carefully, ideally avoiding any comments on your part until your opponent has fully expressed his or her own opinion.
- Show interest in your opponent's words. Even if statements contradict your position, try to understand the person’s logic and emotions. Flattery is not the best thing to hear in everyday life, but in conflict situations it is a helper. Learn the techniques of hidden flattery, and you will be able to win people over to constructive dialogues without any effort.
- Try to focus on the fact that there are two sides in the conflict and gradually persuade the enemy to resolve the problem. Choose phrases with the words: “come on”, “together”, “we” or “us”.
- Do not allow yourself to directly point out that a person is wrong; you must respect his position, even if it completely contradicts yours. You can carefully hint that the person is wrong, but you absolutely cannot point this out directly.
- Show that you are open and honest with the person. Show the person that within the framework of the conflict that has arisen, you are not hiding anything from him. Never use lies to resolve a controversial situation, it will not lead to anything good. However, if there are some facts you cannot tell because it is confidential information, say so honestly but gently.
And remember that conflict management does not always lead to the desired result due to various circumstances. However, the more you apply the techniques described above and analyze the behavior of other participants in a controversial situation, the more skill in conflict management you acquire.
2.1. Intrapersonal methods
Intrapersonal methods of conflict management consist in the ability to correctly organize one’s own behavior, express one’s point of view so that it does not cause a negative reaction or a psychological need to defend oneself from others. For example, when you come to work in the morning, you find that someone has moved everything on your desk. You want this to not happen again, but you also don’t want to ruin your relationship with your employees. You state, “When papers move around on my desk, it really bothers me. I would like to find everything in the future as I leave it before I go." By being clear about why those around you are irritated by these actions, you help them understand you, and when you speak up without attacking them, this reaction can encourage others to change their behavior.
