Self-affirmation at the expense of other people is a destructive model of behavior. Self-affirmation as such is a person’s desire to achieve and maintain a certain social status and recognition in society. A healthy option for self-affirmation is continuous self-development, the disclosure of personal potential. However, some people choose another option - to assert themselves at the expense of others. Let's consider this model of behavior in more detail.
What is it - self-affirmation at the expense of other people? Why and when does it occur?
A person who asserts himself at the expense of others strives to prove to everyone that he is better and smarter than others, that he is always right, that he always knows everything, etc.
and so on. This form of self-affirmation occurs in childhood when, under certain conditions, a person develops “false superiority syndrome.” A person who asserts himself at the expense of others constantly needs confirmation of his own importance, his own superiority. How does this happen?
The easiest way to strengthen your own opinion of yourself is by belittling other people. And this can be done through humiliation and insult, criticism and condemnation, unfounded accusations, constant search for shortcomings in others, authoritarianism and ostentatious importance, a constant desire to defend one’s point of view through argument. That is, a person who asserts himself in this way unconsciously strives to prove to everyone that others people are worse than him, therefore he is better. The more shortcomings such a person finds in others, the more confident and comfortable he feels.
But this comfort does not last long, and after a while he again needs a new portion of the feeling of his own superiority.
The reasons for this behavior, like the reasons for most of our problems, must be sought in childhood:
- it may be a feeling of rejection and self-unacceptance resulting from a lack of love and support;
- unprocessed childhood traumas and grievances;
- psychological abuse;
- feeling of fear;
- authoritarianism and power of significant people, usually parents;
- Often such people outwardly look like aggressive and confident individuals with high self-esteem. However, this is just a façade.
And if you look deeper, you can see an insecure person with low self-esteem who strives to internally close himself off, hide from his experiences and problems.
I don’t remember who said: “A successful person will never shout about himself that he is successful.
It’s usually losers and worthless people who scream, who assert themselves at the expense of others.”
In psychology, self-affirmation at the expense of others is often viewed as a compensatory and protective mechanism that helps a person protect himself from unresolved problems. Here we can draw a parallel with our physical body. If, for example, one of the kidneys functions poorly or is removed, the second begins to perform the function of both.
Similarly, a person who asserts himself at the expense of others seeks to compensate for his insecurity and his fear of unresolved internal problems with a sense of superiority. These people feel vulnerable and neglected.
Therefore, they find nothing better than, in their desire to attract attention, they begin to show off, boast about their (even the smallest!) achievements, insult, and humiliate. Sometimes the desire to assert oneself at the expense of others leads to the fact that a person is always and everywhere late, thereby trying to emphasize his exclusivity.
But this distorted superiority does not bring them satisfaction, and often makes it even more painful.
Such a person really needs support, in an atmosphere of goodwill and acceptance.
But any goodwill and understanding of others cannot be endless if a person does not want to change himself, does not want to face his problems. As a result, such people are often left alone.
Peculiarities
Let's analyze the features of self-affirmation through its components:
- Social interaction. Self-affirmation is impossible outside of society.
- Interaction with oneself and the formation of self-concept. Self-affirmation is connected with the rest of the “self”: self-realization, self-esteem, self-esteem, self-acceptance, self-knowledge, self-actualization, self-determination (professional and in life) and so on. Sometimes a conflict arises at the junction of the first and second elements. For example, it may be difficult for a person to achieve self-esteem and respect from other people.
- Hierarchy of motives and needs, value system. In the process of self-affirmation, these elements can be transformed (the person himself can change his values when necessary), but at the same time, the initial base determines the specifics of self-affirmation.
- Behavior. The need for self-affirmation dictates to a person what to do and how to live. However, there are different tactics: defensive, compensatory, dominant, constructive.
In addition, self-affirmation is associated with self-esteem. Self-affirmation is the desire to declare oneself, one’s individuality, and uniqueness.
Why do you need self-affirmation?
Self-affirmation is necessary for a person to feel like a harmonious, strong and unique person. This creates the basis for self-respect. Coupled with stable, confident self-esteem, recognition of merits from other people allows you to experience satisfaction, joy of life, and stimulates further development.
Self-affirmation is part of self-realization. If a person does not know how to assert himself, he develops serious internal conflicts and pathological conditions arise. They manifest themselves as depression, addictions, and aggressive behavior.
Self-affirmation at the expense of others or why a sense of self-importance is bad
In our society, self-affirmation at the expense of others is quite widespread. You will see this in practice in any area of life: at school, some kids humiliate others in order to feel cool; the mother criticizes the child and does basic things for him in order to feel important; The boss yells at an employee because he wants to strengthen his power.
We assert ourselves at the expense of others in order to feel important, even if we later fail to save the relationship. We need something to reinforce our sense of self-importance, and every time, again and again, we need even more of this feeling, this intoxicating feeling of power and glory. Why do we need this? Why do others need this?
We all play games all the time. We can say that we don’t really live, everything happens automatically - we play out our roles as a parent, a child, a student, a colleague, a motorist, an angry passerby... we have many such roles, and we participate in the game all the time. We don’t notice it, because inside the game we are like fish in water. The game is air, an unconscious dream, where we are given a role, and we obediently fulfill it. Only occasionally do we manage to leave the game, turn on awareness and experience real life, but then things get busy and we fall into the game again.
The problem is that the game is illusory, it does not give us real sensations and feelings, so we experience life as something gray, insipid and boring. And all the time I want one thing - to feel alive. Ask people why they steal, cheat, cheat, drive at breakneck speed? We want to feel life, adrenaline, feelings, emotions, we want to “feel alive.”
The feeling of self-importance is the same intoxicating feeling, a small pinch of adrenaline that makes us feel the moment of life. Therefore, we collect these moments like chips in a game, so that in the end we can say to ourselves “I won.”
Self-affirmation at the expense of others is an insidious thing in many guises. A woman whose husband drinks a lot complains to her neighbors about how unhappy she is, that the house, children, and work are on her shoulders. Fire victims who have lost all their property and cannot obtain insurance are forced to visit relatives. Do you think trouble is unpleasant? Grief loves an audience, it seeks sympathy and attention, even if it requires real suffering. That is why we cherish and nurture our sores, savor our sorrows and disappointments, and surround our problems with an aura of mystery.
There is also an obvious manifestation of a sense of self-importance. Have you seen modern weddings? How do they celebrate the birth of a child now? How do people like to post travel photos on social networks and collect likes? Surely you recognized yourself in all this. Agree, it’s nice to receive attention. It's nice to know that someone thought of you, admired you, or even envied you. And you collect compliments, admiration, likes, approval, hidden envy like chips in a game. To feel alive, to say “I won.”
Eric Berne calls such states “psychological coupons.” We use such psychological coupons in the supermarket of life to buy expensive goods. Check out the list and you might recognize your favorite purchases.
Inferiority complex coupon
Beneficial for those who like to be insulted and offended. He needs the approval of others, but he will agree to some kind of punishment. For example, someone will say a harsh word about his hairstyle or creative work. It would seem, who cares about appearance? And is it really necessary to take criticism to heart? But no, it is important for a person with an inferiority complex to feel offended to the core, because this way he will receive the sympathy of the crowd.
Depression coupon
Such coupons are used to buy the repentance of those who “brought it down.” People who fall into depression love to feel sorry for themselves, to feel helpless, because when others are to blame for their troubles, they can safely blame everyone around them, but not themselves. Depression is a surefire way to feel how everything is falling out of your hands due to the fault of others. And then these others come and repent of their guilt, of what they have done, how they have offended. This is the sense of self-importance of the offended victim, this is the treasured chip... Such games are usually played by wives whose husbands have cheated. Women love repentant men who come to confess, because this is the only way lovely ladies feel how important they are to their beloved ones.
Aggression coupon
Critics love using these coupons. They buy them the opportunity to shift responsibility onto the shoulders of others. While others are being judged for their shortcomings, there is no time left to deal with one’s own problems. And it’s such a wonderful feeling to feel that someone else felt the bitterness of worrying about their worthless life, because the critic saw all this worthlessness and “taught them how to live.”
Infallibility Coupon
“It’s others who are to blame for what’s happening, not me,” thinks an infallible person who actually wants only one thing - complete control and management. When you consider yourself good, the shortcomings of others become especially clear. And it is because of her son that the mother ends up in the hospital, because he thought more about his new family than about the woman who raised him. Now she has the opportunity to reproach him, and he will, like a darling, run to the hospital, paying for medicine and paying all his attention to his sick mother.
Excellence Coupon
There are people who believe that they are always right. In their opinion, there is no need to take others and their interests into account. It is much more important to prove that you are right in order to ultimately gain respect and recognition. Do you remember when you said something to a friend, but he disobeyed you, and in the end everything turned out the way you said? Do you remember what a pleasant feeling it was? Well, you then bought yourself respect and recognition with a coupon of excellence.
Self-affirmation at the expense of others never leads to anything good. Ultimately, you end up with hidden hatred, divorces, quarrels, and gossip about yourself. Remind yourself that we are all equal, that no one is better or worse by definition. Comparisons are only appropriate in an objective way, when you yourself want to become better, but when you realize that we all do not compete with each other, but provide mutual assistance, it becomes easier for you, and you play games less and less.
Why does it occur
Self-affirmation at the expense of others is a protective mechanism of the psyche that helps a person protect himself from unresolved problems. It is based on the need to constantly seek confirmation of one’s own superiority and importance. If a person can prove that everyone around him is bad, then the attitude “I am good” automatically appears in his head. With this comes a feeling of confidence, security, and comfort.
Why do some people need regular confirmation of their worth? Because they live with the belief “I am bad.” Where did this attitude come from? Parents suggested. They did not accept the child, criticized him, insulted him, humiliated him, suppressed him, beat him, punished him, intimidated him, compared him with others, etc.
Self-affirmation and social status
In life we take on many roles, but we do not assert ourselves in every one of them. It is important for us to be recognized in the things that matter most to us: career, motherhood, creativity, material success, social significance and much more.
It all depends on the role through which we define ourselves as an individual. Yes, a woman is both a mother and a professional in some field, and she is also, for example, a fighter for the environment. She can be all of this at the same time.
Self-affirmation - what is it?
But at some point a situation comes where you have to choose - who am I first of all? Am I staying with my child on maternity leave because I am a mother first and foremost? Or am I going to South Africa to save the starving? Through such prioritization we define our own identity.
How does the need for self-affirmation arise?
A person is designed in such a way that he needs recognition, a sense of self-worth, understanding and evaluation of his own achievements and failures; this need is no less important and necessary than the vital needs of a person (hunger, thirst, sexual desire). Back in the 50s of the 20th century, A. Maslow proved and systematized all human needs, creating a pyramid, according to which a developing personality goes through 5 stages of development, located hierarchically, that is, satisfaction of needs occurs sequentially from the lowest to the highest level.
Consequently, having reached the first stage, you automatically move to the second, and only after completing all five stages do you become a full-fledged, or, as they say in medicine, a normal person.
Not every individual goes through all the stages of the pyramid even in his entire life, because the higher the level of the pyramid, the more complex the ways to satisfy it.
When are the first manifestations visible?
The need for self-affirmation at the expense of other people is associated with childhood trauma. As a rule, in such cases, from the first days of life, the child is faced with the coldness and cruelty of adults. Therefore, the first manifestations of self-affirmation at the expense of others are noticeable already at 3–4 years. And every year this gets stronger.
The child insults and humiliates his peers and fights. He fantasizes a lot and lies, for example, he says that every weekend he and his mom and dad go on vacation to the sea. Or he says that he has the best phone of the latest model at home, he just doesn’t carry it with him, etc. That is, already in kindergarten, the child’s desire to be in the center of attention and to show his strength is noticeable. Many children lie about their parents' status and wealth. Sometimes a child takes credit for the merits of others and invents “superhero” stories about himself.
Note! As the child grows up, the essence of the manifestations of the desire to assert oneself at the expense of others does not change. Only the specifics and scale of fictitious stories, provocations, criticism, accusations and other things change.
What is self-affirmation?
Self-affirmation is behavior aimed at increasing one’s own importance in one’s own eyes and in the eyes of others. The goals of self-affirmation may be different. Someone wants to increase their self-esteem, for some it is an element of general self-development, and someone strives to obtain a certain status in society necessary to achieve their goals.
There are a large number of ways that people use to assert themselves, but they all fall into one of two types:
- Constructive. A person asserts himself due to the fact that he actually improves, achieves his goals, and becomes a more mature and strong person.
- Destructive. A person tries to rise above others by humiliating them, highlighting their shortcomings and devaluing their virtues, and also attributing to himself fictitious achievements and talents.
Regardless of the type, self-affirmation helps a person feel like a strong and holistic person and creates the basis for self-esteem. Together with the respect shown by others, this helps him enjoy life, feel satisfaction in achieving goals and strive for further improvement.
The ability to constructively assert oneself, without boasting of talents and without trying to elevate oneself above others, is an important skill necessary for every person for self-realization. But sometimes the need for self-affirmation becomes paramount and quite quickly turns into a destructive form due to the fact that it cannot be satisfied with constructive methods.
Causes
If we are talking about healthy self-affirmation, then the reason is the natural need for acceptance by society and the desire for internal harmony. If a person does not find a healthy way of self-realization, then he will find himself cut off from society.
A person who asserts himself at the expense of others does so for reasons of self-defense. It seems to him that there are only enemies around him. To prevent others from attacking, reproaching, or criticizing him, he strikes first. The reasons for this attitude towards the world: lack of love, attention, acceptance, security in childhood. At first the parents did not accept the child, later this turned into the child not accepting himself.
The appearance of desire
The desire to assert oneself appears early. This is first noticeable in early childhood - about three years. At the age of three, a child experiences an age-related crisis, which in psychology is called “I myself.” It is at this age that the child first realizes his significance, value, independence and tries to defend all this, to declare himself. He wants his opinions and desires to be listened to and respected. In general, he strives for self-expression and self-affirmation. However, the peak of the craving for self-affirmation occurs in adolescence.
Healthy self-affirmation involves the gradual disclosure of personal potential, interaction with society through existing abilities and opportunities. However, sometimes people use other strategies.
Self-suppression
This is a blocking of personal potential and abilities, a ban on self-expression. This is based on fears, anxieties, doubts, complexes, and conflicts. For example, self-suppression often occurs against a background of fear of failure, uncertainty, low self-esteem, distrust of society, fear of criticism and public condemnation.
This behavior can hardly be called a self-affirmation strategy. This is a failure to assert yourself and an unhealthy response. You need to get rid of this, that is, look for the root cause of uncertainty, complexes and other problems, and then get rid of them. It is necessary to eliminate all blocks that impede self-realization.
Self-denial
This is self-affirmation for the sake of society. That is, a person gives up his individuality, desires and interests. He doesn't live his own life. Instead, he becomes what society accepts him to be.
This model also cannot be called healthy, since it triggers the development of intrapersonal conflict. A person’s denial of himself leads to the development of neuroses, depression and other mental disorders.
An alternative to self-denial is imitation of someone. Moreover, a person gets used to someone else’s image so much that he takes over the merits of the idol. He himself begins to believe that he has something to do with what his chosen subject is known for.
Recommendations from a psychologist
To stop asserting yourself at the expense of others, you need to work through childhood traumas and grievances against your parents. It is necessary to regain a sense of security, self-worth, significance, to find a source of love and support in yourself and in other people. You need to accept and love yourself, develop self-confidence and work on self-esteem.
In addition, it is important to find support among others. However, a person must understand that if he himself does not want and does not change, then no one will constantly tolerate his behavior. Yes, society can give support and goodwill in advance, but then it will behave as a person deserves.
More often, a person tries to assert himself at the expense of others in only one area. If this is about you, then you need to think about where you usually look for the mistakes and shortcomings of other people, what you blame them for. This is what bothers you inside yourself, this is what you need to work with.
Well, the last thing you need to work with is personal boundaries. You attack first so as not to offend you. This is how you assert your boundaries. You are afraid that by becoming yourself, opening your soul to society, you will be subjected to suffering. What exactly are you afraid of? What is your fear of unsolved problems, what kind of problems are they? Why are you afraid of this? What does this deprive you of? What is your true purpose? How can society be useful to you, and how can you be useful to it?
Important! Healthy self-esteem involves identifying a purpose in life and making a plan to achieve it, as well as meeting your needs and desires. You need to live according to your potential, that is, rely on your interests and abilities.
Signs
A person criticizes, insults, provokes others, points out their shortcomings, focuses on their mistakes, provokes, devalues, seeks out the mistakes of others, etc. At the same time, he exaggerates his own achievements, boasts of real successes, or invents stories about his well-being. The sphere of devaluing others and idealizing oneself can be anything: appearance, abilities, social status, career, finances, material wealth, personal life, etc.
Interesting! A self-affirming person will defend his point of view, even if he understands that he is wrong.
Definition of the concept
The dictionary interprets self-affirmation as behavior aimed at demonstrating and achieving one’s own importance, value and status in society. It can be expressed both in real achievements and in verbal statements.
In simple words, self-affirmation is a person’s desire for respect and recognition. He can perform some actions that can increase his importance in the eyes of others, or simply talk about real or even fictitious successes in order to arouse everyone’s admiration.
This concept is closely related to self-esteem. A self-affirming person first of all wants to increase his self-esteem by receiving approval from other people.
Also, its components are other “selfs”: self-realization, self-acceptance, self-respect, self-knowledge, self-determination, etc.
How is the need for self-realization achieved?
The most difficult thing to achieve is the need for self-development and self-realization, the process of satisfying which can occur in a variety of ways. However, today a very common mechanism for achieving results is self-affirmation as a consequence of humiliating other people; these concepts are gradually approaching and becoming synonymous.
A person who tries to assert himself at the expense of others uses a simple, but very workable pattern of behavior; he strives to prove to everyone that he is better at anything, and it doesn’t matter at all whether this is so, only the fact of proving his superiority over others is important. human. Thus, the sense of self-worth is strengthened by underestimating everyone around.
A person who is the bearer of this behavior pattern spends the lion's share of his energy and time on humiliating, criticizing and trying to find the shortcomings of other people, and the more results he gets, the more powerful the energy drawn from such behavior. Most often, attempts to humiliate others are not realized by the carrier himself; he does it subconsciously.
This mechanism works, but, like any other, it has its drawbacks. Having received another portion of energy due to the humiliation of another person, its effect is gradually suppressed and the bearer of this self-realization scheme needs to replenish his resources again for ever-new confirmation of his own importance, in addition to the need to constantly obtain a positive result, the person’s solidarity towards the received encouragement from self-affirmation at the expense of others, the portion that he received earlier is no longer enough for him; he needs to increase the amount of work performed in order to achieve the same result as before.
What impact does this have on others?
As for the surrounding society of such a person, they see him as aggressive, easily excitable and extremely self-confident, but one way or another, each person from the environment can unwittingly become a victim, who will be targeted by a stream of humiliation for the sake of his own self-affirmation, the main factor here is the reaction itself sacrifices for such interactions.
There are several types of reaction to external humiliation:
- Avoidance - avoiding conflict, ignoring humiliating effects, emotional stress;
- Confrontation is a clash between two similar types of reactions to humiliation of individuals, where the conflict ends with positive confirmation or humiliation of the second opponent;
- Escalation is the deliberate increase in conflict, moving to a higher level, which ultimately becomes insoluble.
Consequently, in such a person’s environment, most often there are only those people who tend to avoid conflict, thus not accumulating negative emotional energy, in which case an excellent symbiosis arises, which is very beneficial for a person who tends to assert himself at the expense of others, however, in the environment It is not uncommon to meet people with a confrontational type of reaction who are also comfortable interacting with a person who asserts himself at the expense of other people. They exchange energy with each other, creating a kind of symbiosis.
What determines the choice of behavior pattern?
Of the entire mass of hypotheses for the emergence of such a pattern of behavior, the most relevant and worked out at the moment is the problem inherent in childhood; such a problem can be a feeling of not accepting oneself for who you are, which is a consequence of a lack of love from parents and others, psychological trauma received in childhood left without timely therapy, excessive authoritarianism of parents.
There is a feeling of inferiority of one’s own self, while everyone around seems more successful and self-confident. Against this background, a complex is formed that must be compensated for full interaction in society as an individual, due to the fact that the individual himself does not find the resources for self-actualization, he chooses a way of compensation at the expense of other people.
Meaning and importance of the process
Photo by Nandi Gustian: Pexels
Is this true? If you open an explanatory dictionary and look up the meaning of the word “self-affirmation”, you will find that this is a very useful and necessary word for defining the process of development of your personality: to assert oneself means becoming more confident in oneself, in one’s abilities and one’s capabilities, that is, to assert oneself as a person
Self-affirmation is expressed through human behavior that is aimed at raising self-esteem in one’s own eyes or the eyes of other people, as well as maintaining one’s social status.
When can you see the first manifestations of self-affirmation at the expense of others?
From childhood, people love to be the center of attention. The age-related periodizations of human psychological development developed by psychologists unanimously insist that this is necessary for the development of a psychologically healthy and normally developing personality. However, markers of such behavior are already in adolescence, moreover, this is especially clearly seen in adolescents, since at this age a person is in search of his own “I”, self-affirmation, proof of his own individuality in all spheres of life, be it the style of clothing or the right to choose.
But the personality is not yet ready for complex behavioral patterns; it subconsciously chooses the one for which the still immature personality is ready. It is at this age that a teenager makes a choice whether to use this scheme throughout his life or make a choice in favor of another.
Causes and Effects
The reasons for this behavior are different: dislike in childhood and adolescence, lack of acceptance of oneself in general, feelings of fear, experienced psychological trauma at different ages, a communication environment in which there is the direct influence of stronger individuals.
Of course, choosing the path of destructive self-affirmation is easier: you don’t need to work through your own shortcomings or look for your own ways of realizing yourself in the world. This is a dead end path to personal development. To get out of this impasse, you must realize that, in this case, any achievement of success is just an illusion that will be destroyed upon closer examination, changing your area of activity or social circle. It is from understanding the inappropriateness of this type of behavior that your path to the real you begins.
Developing your self while maintaining interest in others
Constructive type of self-affirmation. A person strives for self-discovery through the development of his own personality. Such self-affirmation is a natural process for a person seeking to realize himself in society. Constructive self-affirmation is important for the individual, as it is a motivating factor for self-realization. Self-realization is one of the main tasks of personality development. This means that a person is doing what he loves, he has succeeded in his profession and family. I found love and discovered my creative abilities.
The concept of self-realization is sometimes confused with the concept of social success, although they are not the same thing. In the public consciousness, the understanding of success is determined by material security, popularity, and power. Self-realization is the disclosure of natural data, one’s purpose.
Self-disclosure of personality is not always successful in all areas of activity. At each age it has its own characteristics. For example, there are cases where physically weak teenagers achieved high results in sports. This age is especially characterized by the need for self-affirmation. And his best side is his hard work on himself. Adults assert themselves in their profession. In this case, a person reveals his abilities without denying other personalities; the essence of his self-affirmation is the ascent to higher levels of development. Finding oneself in a new quality, a new role at each specific time (age) stage.
With the constructive type of self-affirmation, a person himself determines how to establish himself in society and gain confidence in the value of his self. Women are characterized by self-affirmation in the role of mother, wife, and housewife. Male wealth is determined by success in social and professional activities.
A successful person can do a lot for others, but his success may not bring him a sense of self-satisfaction. A self-realized person is a happy person. These two concepts are not at all mutually exclusive. Some people manage to combine both social success and personal fulfillment.
Denial of self
At first glance, self-denial is the opposite concept of self-affirmation. After all, this is a kind of renunciation of oneself, alienation from one’s own individuality. A person considers himself weak, and in order to overcome this, he mentally joins someone else, stronger, and ultimately transfers his qualities to himself.
In this situation, he lives not his own life, but someone else’s, and identifies himself with his idol. As a result, he develops those personality traits that are characteristic of the hero he has chosen. Behavior strategies change accordingly. This is how fans of famous people behave, fans of celebrities who are ready to change both their appearance and character, losing their individuality. Self-denial is typical for teenagers who strive to imitate some famous actor, athlete, or musician.
According to psychologists, each person, asserting himself, has in his arsenal options for behavioral strategies. They are studied in order to classify personality types in the process of self-affirmation, determine the reasons for choosing a particular strategy, and understand the mechanisms of self-affirmation. If a person adheres to only one strategy of self-affirmation, then he feels certain psychological problems, which can be difficult to understand. But for the most part, their essence comes down to the inability to communicate and build relationships with people.
Observing people's behavior, psychologists note the ability to refuse as one of the mechanisms of self-affirmation. People with different behavioral strategies say “no” differently. A person of the first type of behavior says “no” peremptorily, not allowing the free expression of the will of another person. A person of the constructive type of self-affirmation justifies his refusal, gives arguments, explains why things are this way and not otherwise. A person prone to self-denial cannot say “no.” He experiences psychological problems because he is often forced to do things he doesn't want to do.
Self-affirmation strategies
Self-affirmation can be considered as a person’s need to achieve and maintain a certain social status. Various strategies can be used:
- constructive – the ability to maintain and maintain the significance of one’s “I” through one’s own development. This occurs due to maintaining interest in other people, the so-called social interest;
- denial or self-denial - a person completely copies the behavior of another person, as if he begins to live the life of another person. This happens if the personality is not yet sufficiently formed, or, intuitively feeling the weakness of his own personality, a person strengthens the sense of his own “I” by joining another person, and complete or partial identification occurs;
Photo by Polina Zimmerman: Pexels
- destructive – suppression of another person, assertion of one’s “I” due to his shortcomings. To do this, there is a process of continuous search for these shortcomings, and deliberately emphasizing them, which leads to an increase in the value of one’s own “I”.
How to practice it?
Nathaniel Branden recommends doing the following exercise for a month. Its essence is to write down (on paper, a computer or a tape recorder) the basis of a sentence, and then add endings to it.
Week 1
First thing in the morning, before you start your daily activities, sit down and write:
“Self-empowerment means to me...”
Complete this base with 6-10 endings. Answer quickly, in 2-3 minutes, no pauses for thinking, no artificial fabrications. Don't worry about the wisdom and significance of any given ending. If you write down the first thing that comes to mind, move on.
“If I asserted myself 5% more today...”
Why only 5%? Let's move forward with small steps, they are not so scary. Complete the following phrases:
“If someone had told me that what I wanted was important...”
“If only I had the courage to appreciate the significance of my desires...”
When you're done, get down to business. During the first week, do this exercise every day, from Monday to Friday. Don't read what you wrote yesterday. Of course, there will be a lot of repetitions, but there will also be a lot of new endings. Use all your mental strength - you are working for yourself!
You will find that you have set in motion forces that will no longer allow you to avoid being mindful in your actions.
Take time over the weekend to review what you wrote for the week, and then write down at least six endings to the following stem:
“If anything I wrote this week is true, it would be helpful...”
The average duration of the exercise should not exceed 10 minutes. If you spend more on it, it means you are thinking (rehearsing, calculating) too much.
Ideally, while doing this work, you will not rack your brains about what will happen or is supposed to happen. Don't make any demands or expectations about the situation.
Do the exercise, go about your day, and simply notice the differences in how you feel and how you act. You will find that you have set in motion forces that will no longer allow you to avoid being mindful in your actions.
Week 2
“If I were more aware of my deepest needs and desires...”
"When I ignore my deepest desires..."
“If I were willing to say yes or no when I want to…”
“If I were willing to voice my thoughts and opinions more often...”
Week 3
“When I suppress my thoughts and opinions...”
“If I am willing to ask for what I want...”
“When I keep silent about my desires...”
“If I let people hear my “inner music”...
Week 4
“If I allow myself to hear my inner music...”
“If I increase my self-expression by 5% today...”
"When I hide who I really am..."
"If I want to live more fully..."
The effectiveness of this method is that it generates shifts in the consciousness and attitudes of a particular person without lengthy discussions or analysis. The solution comes mainly from within. Clients who have done the exercise for a month or two report that they now act with greater awareness in their daily lives. They experienced progress in the practice of self-affirmation.
Types and examples
Self-affirmation can take two forms: constructive (healthy) and destructive. Let's look at examples of both the first and second.
Constructive self-affirmation
Healthy self-affirmation does not involve deception or belittling others. A person asserts himself by achieving his goals, self-development, finding interesting hobbies and harmonizing all areas of life. A person prefers to achieve universal recognition according to the principle “to be, not to appear.” The most important component here is hard work on yourself.
It happens that the desire for development is so strong that a person begins to achieve success in those areas in which he previously obviously lost. For example, the ancient Greek politician Demosthenes was naturally endowed with slurred speech and a weak voice. To become respected and significant in society, he went to the seashore, filled his mouth full of pebbles and practiced speaking loudly and clearly. It was through perseverance and determination that he became the best speaker of his time.
And such stories are not isolated. Among the athletes, there are many from whom one could hear a story in an interview, saying that as a teenager I had poor health, I was frail, my classmates bullied me, so I decided to go into boxing. It was the desire to become the best version of themselves that helped such people achieve incredible heights and champion titles.
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Destructive self-affirmation
It represents increasing one's own importance by humiliating others. The peculiarity is that the person himself may not even notice how unsightly his behavior looks, since it is formed unconsciously.
I believe that each of you can give many examples from life when a person devalued the skills, qualities, and talents of others in order to appear better against their background. I hope it's not you! Perhaps this is your boss who behaves too arrogantly so as not to compromise his status, or a friend who puts her neighbor in an unsightly light and thereby tries to make herself look better and more decent at the expense of this woman.
The role of a man in a woman’s self-affirmation
A man receives moral rewards through promotions, salary increases, annual certifications, and bonuses. A housewife can only receive moral encouragement from her husband. The most unhappy of women is the one who has to pull her burden day after day, without finding in her husband an understanding of the effort it takes to run a household and raise good children. So, dear women, learn to respect and love yourself! A husband who really wants to build up his wife's self-respect should make sure that she gets away from the kids and the house at least one day a week. This is especially important for mothers who have small children, so as not to cause depression. The husband can also take care of outside help when there is a lot of work to do: washing windows, polishing floors, cleaning carpets. Of course, all this will come at a cost. But all your expenses will be rewarded a hundredfold, and, importantly, a less tired wife will be next to you at night. A husband who wants his wife not to be burdened by the responsibilities of motherhood, and so that she is able to cultivate a positive self-perception in his children, becoming a source of love and spiritual strength for them, must constantly show attention and interest in all everyday affairs. If a wife is having a particularly difficult day, the husband should definitely find time to talk with her and discuss everything that is important to her. A woman needs his help and initiative in raising, teaching and entertaining children.
How to assert yourself environmentally
Healthy, constructive self-affirmation is the unfolding of personal potential. In other words, first of all you have to deal with several important things:
- What are you capable of? What is your talent?
- What do you dream or dreamed of as a child?
- What have you wanted to do for a long time, but put it off because you were afraid of not being able to cope or because you were afraid of being judged, you didn’t have time or money?
- What are you ready to give to this world? What to share?
- How can the world help you achieve your goals and dreams?
By the way, I recommend reading the article about setting smart goals.
What means can be used for self-knowledge for both men and women:
- intelligence tests - emotional intelligence;
- M. Rokeach’s methodology “Value orientations”;
- diagnostics of personal creativity according to the method of E. Tunik;
- multifactor personality questionnaire by R. Cattell.
Find even more interesting questionnaires that will help you get to know yourself better in our selection of psychological tests.
If you already have a job that you like and enjoy, improve your skills in this area and become a master of your craft. It’s the same with any other area of life. Choose a hobby and learn its intricacies. For example, if you are unhappy with your fitness, take responsibility for it and start making changes.
You can read about how to satisfy the need for self-expression in a separate article on our blog.
