If you put the interests of others first and your own last, sooner or later it will undermine your strength. Maybe it’s worth reconsidering your life now?
Everyone loves Mandy. She is so cute. Caring, generous, always ready to help. In fact, she rarely says no because she doesn't like to upset people or let them down.
Unfortunately, this trait makes her someone who is easy to get the better of. At work, at church, or even in the PTA, everyone knows that Mandy is the person to turn to when you need help. She strives to do everything flawlessly, sparing no time and effort. Sometimes her friends wonder how Mandy even finds time to sleep.
Mandy works as an office manager for a large construction company, and her boss absolutely adores her. And how can you not love her? She is a model worker, coming early and staying late, always doing the hardest work, and sometimes doing the work of colleagues who are not quite up to the job.
Mandy hates misunderstandings, disagreements and conflict, so she always tries to smooth things over and make sure no one is left upset or angry.
Mandy has been like this since childhood. She grew up in a prosperous, even almost ideal family - a mother and father with two children (a girl and a boy), living outside the city in a comfortable two-story house. Mandy's older brother started rebelling when he entered middle school, and he was always in trouble in high school. Fights at home ran rampant, and Mandy spent much of her time trying to be the perfect daughter and contain the simmering tensions in the family.
Mandy cares about how she looks and what she wears as she is always worried about what other people might think of her. The woman likes to keep up with fashion trends, but is not ultra-modern. She also takes pride in her attention to decorating and taking care of her home and doesn't want anyone to think that she is a bad housewife.
Mandy was always active in her social life and had many friends. The room becomes brighter from her sincere smile. Mandy and her husband get along well because Mandy hates arguments and simply agrees with her husband on everything rather than fighting to have her own way.
Mandy dreams of opening her own business. She would like to have a small cafe in the city center, but has no idea where she will find the time for this. In addition, Mandy has difficulty withstanding criticism: if the business suddenly fails, she will feel humiliated.
Sometimes she finds her life tiring. Trying to make everyone happy, Mandy spends a lot of time, which in the end is not left at all for her own dreams and goals.
Mandy is a People Pleaser.
Who is a People Pleaser
People Pleasers always seek the approval of others. This archetype struggles most with the fear of letting someone down or being judged for their actions.
They live with an eye on the whole world: who will react how and what people will say. Instead of confidently moving towards his own goals, the People Pleaser hesitates and is in constant tension, waiting for people’s reactions to his actions and words, fearing that he will be ridiculed and made out to be a fool. People of this archetype feel overwhelmed by their own indecision and unable to take action.
Although People Pleasers may not consider themselves extroverts, they are often popular and well-liked. These people constantly monitor how they may be perceived, and, as a rule, carefully select their words, often agree, and hide their point of view on some issue if it contradicts the general consensus.
People Pleasers have a hard time saying no and setting healthy boundaries because they are terrified of letting other people down. And people, in turn, are glad to have such a friend or colleague nearby who is always ready to help, serve, please. Kind and generous with time and energy.
It is important for People Pleasers to be on good terms with everyone, they do not allow themselves to do anything that could cause anger, disappointment or resentment. The People Pleaser is friendly with everyone; you can call him the life of the party. For him, this is a way to win the approval of others and be loved.
Although such characteristics may not seem so bad at first glance, they force a person to neglect his desires for the sake of other people’s needs and to set his life priorities incorrectly. Sometimes things like this come to the surface in the most unexpected way.
There is no doubt that, having pushed personal goals and dreams into the background, we will inevitably experience bitterness and resentment, dissatisfaction with life.
The People Pleaser is the third most common fear archetype. 21% of respondents found it the most important for themselves, and for 63% this archetype is in the top three.
Signs that you are trying to be nice to others:
- passive-aggressive behavior for no apparent reason. You do not openly protest, but you are annoyed that you are not doing what you want;
- you are not in the mood and you often walk around with a dissatisfied face.;
- you are in an excessive hurry for no obvious reason.
Act according to how you feel about the situation. There is no need to apologize for not being “as convenient for everyone” as before. At the same time, think before you do anything. As I wrote above, if you do not follow the instructions of your manager, he will do everything to fire you. Always think with your own head and do not forget about a sense of proportion in everything.
And if they start arguing with you, then it’s worth studying the article “how to defend your opinion and point of view.”
What People Pleasers Think About Themselves and Others
Here are some of the thoughts and beliefs expressed by our respondents who scored high on the People Pleaser archetype.
- “I'm afraid of failure, being ridiculed or laughing at someone. I'm afraid of losing friends."
- “I know it shouldn't be this way, but I'm afraid of what others will think of me, like what I do. I'm worried they won't approve of it."
- “I'm afraid of looking stupid or that people will think I'm wasting money, and I'm afraid of disappointing or angering those I love.”
- “I'm afraid of being overwhelmed and letting people down. I've let people down before because of lack of time, lack of stamina or lack of willpower."
- “I booked a few workshops to talk about health, focus on self-love and overcome self-criticism, and then I canceled everything. I let the fear of being seen and judged as weak stop me.”
- “I am afraid of losing face in front of other people or appearing like a fraud. I’m bothered by the feeling that I’m worse than my peers who are becoming “pros.”
- “I'm worried about mistakes, I'm afraid of disappointing people. I don't want to embarrass myself."
What could be the consequences?
This is not about not doing anything good for people. Caring is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships with loved ones and in society at large.
This becomes a problem if you are trying to gain approval to maintain low self-esteem. And this becomes doubly a problem when you forget about yourself, trying to make everyone you meet happy.
If you devote all your time to helping others, to please them and earn their approval, this can have the following consequences:
Anger and Exhaustion
Although sometimes you really enjoy helping, you may begin to feel angry when you once again force yourself to do something for others. You did not find the strength within yourself or were afraid to refuse and as a result you begin to get angry with the person you are helping. You may even lose your temper and throw out negative emotions on him. And then comes shame for your emotional outburst. You may begin to berate yourself for not silently complying with the request.
And next time it will be even more difficult for you to refuse someone, because the neural connections of your brain have acquired the conviction that refusing is bad, since you were already ashamed once for your emotional outburst and unwillingness to help. But the anger did not go away, only self-pity increased.
Anxiety and exhaustion
Trying to make everyone happy can drain your own physical and emotional resources. Trying to cope with the overwhelming amount of responsibilities placed on you can leave you suffering from stress and anxiety.
Helping other people can actually have mental health benefits. However, by not leaving time for yourself, you may end up experiencing negative consequences. You may begin to feel like a lost lemon, and also mentally worn out.
Resource shortage
By directing all your energy, all your resources to sorting things out for others, you will most likely begin to neglect your own needs. And not because you don’t want to do something for yourself, you simply won’t have the strength to do it. All resources “went” to other people.
Suppression of the True Self
People-pleasers often hide their own needs and preferences in order to fit in with other people. This can make you feel like you are not living your true life.
By hiding your true feelings, you also don't give anyone a chance to know the real you. You have to constantly wear a mask and be who other people think you are. Not being able to express yourself can ultimately result in apathy.
How does the People Pleaser archetype hinder you?
As a People Pleaser, you face the danger of allowing the thoughts, opinions, and needs of others to prevent you from pursuing your own dreams, passions, and goals.
Here are some ways this fear archetype can negatively affect you:
- You may ignore your own desires because you are worried and afraid of what others might think or say about you.
- You may follow a popular idea or point of view just to fit in because everyone else supports it.
- You may struggle with the urge to refuse to help someone because you realize you have little time to pursue your own goals and dreams.
- You can allow people to take advantage of your kindness and generosity, to “sit on your neck.”
- An irrational fear of letting people down may cause you to give in to the demands of others rather than stand up for yourself or use your own judgment.
- You may be more interested in being liked and approved by others than in achieving your own goals.
Why you shouldn't strive to please everyone
It's impossible to please everyone
“How many people, so many opinions.” Some people will think you're a nice person, but there will be others who won't like you.
You shouldn’t take other people’s opinions as pure truth.
Therefore, there is no need to take what other people say to heart. “A compliment can be said out of pity, but a nasty thing can be said out of envy.” Any opinion is subjective, take it easy.
You don't care about other people's opinions
Be indifferent to the remark made to you. Who cares what strangers think about you? Many of those who judge will never help you in difficult times, but they are always welcome to help you. Therefore, their opinions should not be considered very important.
Fitting devalues your personality.
Trying to please others can cause you to lose your Self. People will always force their opinions on you. In such situations, ask yourself: “What do I really want?”
How to stop pleasing everyone
Here are some strategies you can use to overcome your fear of being judged.
Rethink. Much of your fear of being judged or letting people down comes from the script that is in your head. This scenario communicates that others may not like or accept me if I do not follow the path expected of me. If you want to free yourself from this fear, you must begin to change this attitude. Create a few new affirmations that you can repeat daily that will eventually change that old, wrong message.
If you know deep down that people will judge you when you tell them no, then the new statement should be something like, “It’s okay to have your own opinion that not everyone agrees with. Disagreeing doesn't mean they don't like me."
Likewise, if you are afraid that people will be disappointed in your actions, then try telling yourself something like: “The people to whom I mean something, who sincerely want me to be happy, will not change their attitude towards me if I put them first. place one's own interests."
Take action. The most important thing a People Pleaser should practice is learning to say the word “no.” After all, if you refuse to say “no”, ignoring your needs and desires, you will soon lead yourself to neurosis, and in this state it is impossible to give anything to anyone - neither to yourself nor to those around you. Worse, you will begin to feel burdened by the obligations you have taken on.
Want to avoid this? Just learn to say no. Of course, for a People Pleaser this is easier said than done! However, the more you practice giving up, the easier and more natural it will become for you. Take time to think before giving an answer, delegate some of the tasks, assessing your own capabilities and desires, analyze the priority of current affairs. Say no. Over and over and over again.
Be sure to set aside time in your schedule that you can spend just for yourself. Start small, and after a while people will adapt to the new order in your life. Don't forget: when you take care of your own needs first, you make yourself a better person for others, too.
As a People Pleaser, you have spent some time putting other people's needs before your own and neglecting to take care of yourself. This state of affairs could tire you and accumulate internal irritation. That’s why it’s so important to take care of yourself and find time every day to realize your personal goals. Me first. Then everyone else.
Create accountability. To overcome any type of fear, you need to find a teacher or mentor who has the qualities and skills you hope to develop in yourself, and let him help you.
Ideally, you will find someone who is willing to push you outside of your comfort zone; someone who can also help you practice saying no and taking care of yourself. You may feel uncomfortable and uneasy at first, but in the end, especially if you trust the person, you will be able to succeed.
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Love yourself as a person
Become your own best friend, and then you will no longer have the desire to please others. Make yourself a priority. Psychologists say that a person needs to love himself as an individual in order to stop depending on the opinions of others. To do this, you need to treat yourself with respect, praise yourself, stop criticizing yourself, and then you will no longer need external praise.
Realize that the only person there is and always will be in your life is you.
By building a harmonious relationship with yourself, you will stop filling holes in your self-esteem with the praise of other people.
Love yourself and then you will not depend on other people's opinions
How to fight the desire to please
At some point, Mandy was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, she was too tired and did not get enough sleep. Soon she became seriously ill with the flu. Unable to get out of bed, Mandy listened to a self-care podcast and finally realized it was time to make a change.
Mandy started with a frank conversation with her husband. He was glad to hear that she wanted to take more time for herself. He said that he would always love his wife, even if she expressed a different point of view from his and did not agree with him. The woman was shocked.
Then she started saying “no,” gracefully getting out of situations in which she would have previously said “yes.” Mandy was stunned when everyone she interacted with seemed to understand her and no one was angry. As a result, the woman concluded that all the tension was in her head.
At work, Mandy stopped trying to smooth over any conflict and take on other people's work, and instead began to encourage colleagues to take the initiative to work independently, and also began to be stricter about her own boundaries when it came to her schedule.
Mandy putting her life and her desires first has been the biggest change for her. The woman still hasn’t found the courage to open a cafe, but her dream has become more real and closer.
A person who tries to please everyone
Until you are able to say “no”, your “yes” is meaningless...
Osho
Have you ever done something that you didn't really want to do? Have you ever changed your mind just because someone didn't like it? If your answer is yes, then you are the type of person who can or is used to pleasing others. In any case, if you are willing to subject yourself to the opinions or positions of other people without any justification or good reason, then most likely you are trying to please someone. A people pleaser does anything to please others, whether they are asked to do so, or the person himself “understands” what people want from him. Such a person places himself on a level lower than other people, giving priority to other people who are significant (both in positive and negative terms) for him.
What is behind pleasing behavior?
For some, people pleasers seem like the nicest and friendliest. Many even try to imitate them. But in reality, it is very difficult to be a pleasing person, because in his life there is no room left for himself, his opinion and his own “I”.
Sometimes we wonder how someone can be so selfless, dedicating their entire life and interests to others? Such people certainly have their own opinions, likes and thoughts, but they always try to adapt and change them to please others.
The root of self-sacrifice lies in the fact that such people lack confidence in life and crave outside support. Their basic need for security and self-esteem are based only on the approval of other people. Their own low self-esteem is temporarily corrected when they, by pleasing or doing the “right thing,” become submissive to the will and interests of others, receiving in exchange explicit or hidden (and sometimes fantasy) encouragement and reinforcement of their self-esteem. Often this behavior leads to codependent relationships. Constantly living in such a distorted world, such people begin to believe that, first of all, the wishes of other people or groups of people (for example, political parties) should be valued, respected and fulfilled, and not their own. People pleasers are always very worried and anxious that others will reject or ostracize them if they do not behave in accordance with others' expectations. People pleasers constantly fear that they will not be loved if they stop pleasing the interests of others. Thanks to this situation, people pleasers are always in a state of chronic stress and anxiety. When doing things for themselves (which they sometimes have to do to support their own lives), people pleasers experience anxiety and worry that they are doing something wrong. To reassure themselves, they make efforts to regain the approval of significant others, expecting the reinforcement of self-esteem and reduction of anxiety associated with their pleasing behavior. When these expectations are violated, which happens quite often, because others can quickly get tired of the pleasing and flattering, clearly not sincere style of behavior, the pleaser becomes even more restless and anxious, chaotically directing his efforts to gain approval from anyone. Such a vicious circle leads to an increase in internal tension and, ultimately, to a breakdown in the adaptive capabilities of the psyche and the body as a whole. This condition can manifest itself in increased irritability, depression, sleep disturbances, increased blood pressure, heart pain, headaches, and digestive disorders.
What does it really mean to be a people pleaser?
Being a people-pleaser actually means having low self-confidence. When we strive to love and appreciate, to please and please everyone around us, this means that, above all, we want others to show attention, care and love, which we are deprived of. The desire to please and do good to others is a sure sign of a lack of self-love. At the same time, worrying about constantly pleasing others in the vain hope of receiving love and recognition in return deprives a person of strength, creates great tension, and is extremely wasteful of time and energy.
Wanting to gain approval, a person can rush from side to side, adapting to the views and needs of different people. This process can be endless and simply exhausting - after all, it is impossible to please everyone at once. What you do may please one person, but will anger or irritate another. These things will leave you unsatisfied and put you in a state of hopelessness and worthlessness because your only strategy for coping with the world around you is not working as well as you would like, which greatly reduces your self-esteem.
People with low self-esteem are targets for manipulators
People with low self-esteem often become dependent on exploiters and manipulators who take advantage of such unhappy people for their own purposes, reinforcing their low self-esteem. For example, relying on people with low self-esteem, totalitarian regimes and sects implement their ideological doctrines.
Such people, with the help of the media and ideologized art, at collective sessions of suggestion (party meetings, team building, sessions) are constantly being taught that the person himself and his personal interests are not important “for the common cause”, and only a complete renunciation of their interests and goals for the "common good" or "great idea", subordination of one's will and interests to the "collective", "majority" or "leader" are socially approved. People dependent on the opinions of others, practically without any violence or material incentives, are capable of endless “approvals”, support of the “general line of the party”, “correct” voting in elections and all other possible types of unrequited delegation of their will.
In totalitarian societies and sects, it is extremely unprofitable for the ruling elite to have independent people with sufficient or high self-esteem based on personal achievements and capabilities. In totalitarian societies of all types, all the forces of dictators are aimed at educating dependent and insecure people, whose success and well-being should depend exclusively on the opinions, values and will of “significant others”, which can be a team, a party, a religious denomination, leaders or Fuhrers. The best strategy for this is to create conditions for members of a sect or society of constant uncertainty in the future, depriving them of the ability to independently solve problems (often deliberately created), learning to identify the successes of “society” with their personal successes and achievements.
How to get out of the vicious circle and stop pleasing people?
First of all, you need to learn to accept yourself as you are, accept and appreciate your own interests and needs. And, secondly, you just need to stop pleasing others, overstepping your interests. Through a series of simple steps, self-confidence and self-esteem will gradually increase:
- Although you may feel like you should always say “yes,” remember that you also have the right to say “no” or not answer at all. Always remember to say “no” to anything you don’t want—this means setting personal boundaries that protect your autonomy and self-identity. By refusing to devote your precious time to undesirable things, you will soon find that it is much easier than suffering through something you don't really like. You will be surprised, but over time, those around you will begin to value you more: people who value themselves and their time command more respect than always agreeing to everything.
- Saying no is the hardest thing to do the first time. Justify your refusal with a good reason, but never go into details so as not to make excuses: you are not to blame for anything! Therefore, you refuse quickly and unambiguously, without verbosity, without trying to defend your decision.
- Be confident in what you say - make a choice and don't change it. This gives the impression that you have preferences, even if you don't really have them yet.
- The next time you are asked to help with someone else's work or project, think about your own work and concerns. You don't have to agree just to earn approval. Remember what is important to you.
- At first, all these steps can lead to remorse and feelings of guilt. You may feel selfish, focusing only on yourself and your needs. No need to break yourself. Calm down and if you want to help others, set a strict time frame for doing so. For example, say that you will only have two hours from 18:00 to 20:00 or so. This will allow you to manage your time and not refuse help if it is really needed.
- Instead of doing what others want, you should focus on who you are and what you want to achieve in your life. When meeting the needs of others becomes your only goal in life, you simply lose yourself. So, try to figure out what you really like to do in life.
- Whenever someone asks for a favor, it's completely okay to say that you need to think before making a promise. This extra time will give you the opportunity to think so that you can make a decision without compromising your interests.
- Always think about whether you really want to do what you are asked to do. Think about how difficult it will be to do something against your own will, and how relieved you will be when you refuse to do something against your will. Try making a list of must-do actions that you are usually asked to do, and those things that you can refuse.
- Always check the offers that other people give you. See if they can do it all on their own but still ask you for help. If you are being manipulated, you have every right to refuse to help.
- Sometimes you don't need to answer anything. Silence, an eloquent smile or a glance may be enough to refuse. In this case, the manipulator will understand perfectly well that you have decided not to give in to him.
- Always remember that people need to feel heard and understood. So even though you're going to say no, be respectful and do it politely. In the old days, there was a delightful formulation for refusal in this case: “Positively, no!”
- When a request comes from your boss, you don't have to refuse. But if the request comes from a colleague, don't back down if you can say no. This way, it will be easy for you to stop being a people-pleasing person.
- If you feel guilty about rejection, remember that you cannot be held responsible for everything that happens. You never promised that you would take care of everything in the lives of everyone around you to the detriment of yourself.
- Take care of yourself, reward and support yourself for every achievement. Become your own best friend who treats you the way you truly deserve.
- Listen to what your inner self says and always talk to yourself about your own needs. Practice spending some quiet time with yourself during the day.
If you still find it difficult to change yourself and your attitude towards a problem, if your uncertainty prevents you from being alone and making your own decisions, it is always advisable to seek psychological help.
Andrey Demkin
Identify your thinking errors
We often fall victim to cognitive distortions. We attribute negative thoughts about ourselves to others, take all their words and reactions personally, and imagine the worst case scenario. This happens unconsciously.
Try to understand what distortions you are susceptible to. What assumptions do you usually make about yourself and others? What do you often take for granted? How fair are you thinking? Notice what thoughts you have before, during, and after the conversation. Be honest with yourself about what may have skewed your perception.
Let go of the problem
Understand that what others think of you is not your problem at all. If you like sewing soft toys, do it without worrying that your best friend will sigh heavily because of such a “childish” hobby. If you work from home and want to rock colorful locks, don't worry about someone being skeptical about your style.
We are different, but each position has the right to exist. Of course, we are not talking about observing basic rules of decency.
There will always be those who don't like your choice.
There is no solution, product or service that will satisfy everyone at once. For example, look at product reviews. Some say that they have never seen anything better in their life, and others say that this is money thrown away.
But even decisions that don't affect anyone else can still be judged. So, your mother may speak unkindly about your new job, or your friends may express dissatisfaction with your new relationship.
You can listen to their opinions and advice, but you don't have to make them happy.
Distinguish negative from neutral assessments
Uncertainty makes us uncomfortable. When a person sends neither overtly friendly nor overtly hostile signals, it is difficult for us to determine his attitude. Therefore, we interpret many completely neutral conversations as negative. In such situations, we have to rely on our understanding of the world.
If your picture of the world includes the idea that people always reject you, you will begin to notice this constantly.
Seeing someone just minding their own business will make you think that they are avoiding you. This manifests an increased sensitivity to neglect. It is more typical not for meetings with strangers, but for communicating with those with whom you have known for a long time or are just starting a relationship.
Leave something for yourself
You shouldn’t reveal the whole truth about yourself to people you don’t know. Experts do not encourage people to lie, but some facts can be hidden without fear of being branded a liar. It is not at all necessary to talk about your shortcomings, failures, or complain about problems. Such sincerity, on the contrary, will only scare off opponents.
The same applies to the sphere of thoughts and motives. Don’t try to think the way people expect you to, or do things that will impress others. If you're the only one in your circle who enjoys collecting stamps or butterflies, don't be ashamed of it. Worry more about your collection than about how your work colleagues will treat it. Compare yourself with your past self, your potential self, and not with your former classmate who managed to achieve something. This way you will quickly get rid of the destructive feeling of anxiety, gain self-confidence, and realize your own self-sufficiency.
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Imagine yourself as a blot
Ottawa-based clinical psychologist Roger Cowin compares how others perceive us to a Rorschach test (in which a person is shown ink blots and asked to tell us what they look like). “What a person sees tells us more not about the blots, but about himself. The same picture applies to relationships with people,” he explains. “The same qualities will attract some people and repel others.” For example, what someone might consider confidence may seem like arrogance to someone else. We also tend to like people who are similar to us more. In a 2009 study, scientists found that even if a person does not have the simplest character, this rule still works: for example, nervous and irritable participants were more likely to like those who were the same.
People just love to criticize and judge others.
This is one of the most beloved human activities. No matter how good and wonderful you think you are, there will still be people who will criticize you for your appearance, your behavior or your views. It is impossible to be perfect in everything, and those around you are happy to cling to any of your shortcomings, mistakes or mistakes.
And no, people won't necessarily do this out of hatred or dislike for you, it's just that many people really enjoy criticizing others.
Nobody knows you better than yourself. So don't worry about the subjective assessments of others.
Decide on your own goals and plans for life
To stop caring about other people's problems and needs, you need to learn to separate your thoughts and feelings from those they experience. Remember that it is the ability of people to think and feel in their own way that changes the world. The ability to differentiate significantly reduces stress levels and has a positive effect on your emotional and physical well-being. Try to clearly formulate tasks that will lead you to your dreams and help make them come true. Take consistent actions, taking care of your feelings and needs first.
