It is difficult to find a person who has not experienced feelings of envy - no, no, yes, everyone has a worm of doubt scratching about someone else, more successful, more interesting and in demand. Psychologist Ekaterina Talakova told AiF.ru about what envy is, why it arises and whether it is necessary to fight it at all .
“In psychology, a feeling of envy is defined as a negative emotional experience that has a destructive effect on the human psyche. Some researchers consider envy to be innate, others attribute it to socially conditioned, i.e., acquired human qualities,” the specialist notes. All we can say for sure is that the feeling of envy has deep roots in human nature and his relationship with the outside world, says the psychologist.
Envy, the specialist notes, is a complex feeling that is based on a whole complex of specific experiences, such as:
- anxiety;
- irritation;
- pride;
- desire for pleasure;
- arrogance;
- anger.
“Having different resistance to envy, some people are more susceptible to this feeling, others - to a lesser extent. There are often situations when a person prone to envy not only envy himself, but also willingly provokes others to this feeling - flaunts his achievements, boasts of possessing certain values. Fleeting impulses that the envious person manages to cope with without obvious negative consequences are popularly called “white envy.” However, such a beautiful formulation should not underestimate this phenomenon. Envy is envy, and if you catch yourself feeling this way, it’s wiser to take it as a signal to reconsider your own values and priorities,” says the psychologist.
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How does this feeling arise?
Step 1: Comparison
Envy starts when we compare ourselves to others. As long as a person is busy with himself and does not look around, there is no one to envy him. But as soon as he turns his attention to others and compares, unpleasant thoughts appear.
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Step 2: Inflated Self-Esteem
Comparison in itself is not envy. It can be objective and even neutral. For example: I have a one-room apartment, and my neighbor has a two-room apartment. This is a statement of fact, without emotional overtones. But as soon as we start to think that “the neighbor is richer (prettier, more successful, etc.) than me and this is unfair” - that’s envy, right there.
“Such thoughts arise when a person considers himself better than others and does not allow other people to have any advantages. He looks down on those around him, although he does not admit it. Lack of modesty, acceptance, inability to objectively assess someone’s capabilities or abilities is a direct path to the appearance of envy,” the specialist emphasizes.
As a rule, we envy people of our own sex: men - the career successes of other men, women - the beauty and successful personal lives of other women. Both are envious of the age of younger people.
Step 3: Denying Yourself
Envy reveals an interesting paradox of human nature. An envious person considers himself better than others, but does not love himself. In fact, he condemns himself, criticizes himself. It is impossible to treat yourself with love and envy others - these are mutually exclusive concepts. “By what becomes an object of envy, you can determine what a person does not accept about himself: appearance, family, position in society, career success, etc.,” says Ekaterina Talakova.
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Envious people have accompanied me all my life
Do you know your envious people?
Yuri Buziashvili: Envious people have accompanied me all my life. But for some reason it turned out that without thinking about them (I give you my word of honor), I silenced them with my achievements. That's why I didn't feel them. They couldn't do anything bad to me. Although there have been such attempts. But I easily repelled them. Despite the fact that I have never received anything undeservedly. I worked very hard. So many. I can overcome what is sometimes insurmountable and find a way out of any seemingly hopeless situation. I have this. I just need to be “ignited”, and I must know in the name of whom and what I am doing this. As an example, I can cite the construction of our center (cardiovascular surgery named after Bakulev - V.V.). Construction was started by my teacher Vladimir Ivanovich Burakovsky (academician, famous cardiac surgeon - V.V.) in 1984, and in 1990, when it slowed down, I was already a mature person standing next to him. At least he brought me closer to him. And I managed to do a lot to complete the construction. Believe me, there were a lot of difficulties to overcome, but I knew why I was doing this. So why should anyone be jealous? Hardly. Did they envy me? Of course, they were jealous. Because such a career cannot but be envied. Do I still have envious people now? I think yes. But again, I don't feel them. I live on my own. And whether the fact of my life is a reason for their envy, let them decide, I am not a pleaser of envious people. I don’t specifically give such reasons. And if they find them, it doesn't concern me.
What to do if you are jealous
1. Try to imagine what you look like from the outside. People around us easily read our emotions, no matter how hard we try to hide them. An envious person seems both angry and pathetic. Realize how repulsive this cocktail is.
2. When we are envious, we focus on others. As a result, they feel an additional surge of strength, and we feel devastation and apathy. Modern man does not have many sources of energy to waste left and right. Remember that your supply of strength is not infinite; it is much more useful to direct it to yourself: to take care of your well-being, appearance, and mental balance.
3. Envy often occurs when a person confuses self-esteem and dignity. It seems to him that since he doesn’t have something, then he himself is insignificant. This is a very harmful misconception.
“Self-esteem is formed by comparing yourself to others. Dignity is an integral part of our nature. It cannot be lost with material wealth, health and the passage of years. Dignity is the beauty and strength of the human soul. It is with us by default until we give it up,” says Ekaterina Talakova.
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When people start imitating you
People who most often experience feelings of envy try to subconsciously seem better than you and begin to imitate you in every possible way. These people only feel better when they completely copy your clothing style or communication style.
Don't feel bad about it, rather try to encourage such people to follow their own path. And at the moment when they try to do something on their own, encourage them in every possible way. Try to show them that in order to be yourself you don’t have to imitate you.
What to do if you can’t suppress envy
It is important to be honest with yourself, the psychologist emphasizes. Accept the fact that you have envy, and to prevent it from growing to immense proportions, you will have to control yourself.
“Such control is a growth point for deep internal changes. Through awareness and overcoming negative qualities, we purify ourselves and become stronger, this is how our personality develops and becomes stronger. At the same time, envy can be transformed into gratitude and admiration,” emphasizes Ekaterina Talakova. Take a closer look at the person who catches your attention so much:
- what are its strengths;
- what qualities help you achieve success;
- how constructive their manifestations are.
Perhaps envy will become an inspiration for you, a push to discover new opportunities of your own.
People are constantly gossiping behind your back
Envious people secretly always try to discuss you and your behavior in every detail. And in fact, this is not funny at all, since they can spread very bad rumors about you. You can confront them directly in order to stop these people.
As a rule, people who, out of jealousy, spread rumors behind your back, are not actually hostile towards you, and therefore sometimes one serious conversation may be quite enough for them to stop spreading gossip about you.
Main manifestations
- During communication, he expresses sarcasm or aggressive behavior in order to assert himself at the expense of another person.
- It's the wrong reaction when someone talks about their achievements. Instead of joy - indifference or an aggressive attitude.
- Copying human behavior. If someone starts imitating another, he is definitely jealous of him.
- Changes in friend's behavior. A person is not able to rejoice in the success of his comrade.
What is the danger of an envious state
Envy can lead a person to loneliness
- Inferiority complex. A person who watches other people's successes, other people's lives, is not able to live his own normally. This leaves a peculiar imprint on his fate, and all sorts of complexes develop.
- Loneliness. It is difficult to live with a person who is constantly tormented by the fact that someone is doing well, someone is happy. However, he makes no effort to achieve the same on his own. They try to avoid such people or communicate with them as little as possible.
- Risk of crime. A destructive feeling leads to aggression, anger, meanness, which often leads to antisocial behavior.
How to get rid of a problem and benefit from it - practices
Any emotion is valuable, including envy. We do not encourage you to directly fight it, but to transform this feeling and make it work in your favor:
- Exercise “Forgive and Let Go.” It is important to learn to let go of negative emotions (anger, resentment, anger, aggression). If you get rid of them, new, productive and creative feelings will come to replace them. Previously, we wrote about how to let go of your own anger and give vent to your emotions.
- Exercise "Plus and Minus". There is a balance in life, which says that if a person loses something, he will certainly gain something in another area. If something bad happens, then you should look for advantages in this situation, it is advisable to record them in writing. For example, the owner of the apartment asked me to vacate the apartment, but I can find a better or more attractive option.
- “Real Goal” technique. It is important to set only realistic and achievable goals. A prerequisite is that the result of an activity must depend on the person, and not on random circumstances. For example, next month I will write reports well, and I will definitely be praised at the meeting.
- Exercise “What can I?” Envy is a marker that something is going wrong in a person’s life. It is worth thinking and deciding what can be done now to improve the situation. For example, increase income, learn something new, make peace with loved ones.
It is advisable to surround yourself with positive people who know how to be grateful and give these emotions to others. There is no need to treat envy badly. Every person experiences this feeling. It is only important to learn how to work with it correctly.
Do the exercises in writing. This will help secure the material. By unloading all thoughts from your head, new ideas and thoughts begin to come to you, which will help you see new solutions.
How often do you notice feelings of envy in yourself? How do you prefer to work with him? Or maybe there are envious people in your environment. Tell us about your experience in the comments.
Share the article on social networks, as well as with family and friends. Let as many people as possible realize the value of their own emotions.
Why is it dangerous and does it affect health?
From the point of view of etiquette, envy is condemned; even if it arises, it is customary to hide it. A person begins to become more emotionally invested in someone else’s life, while forgetting about his own. His affairs, plans and hobbies gradually collapse, and when a person comes to his senses, it is often too late.
Envy also negatively affects a person’s health and well-being:
- Envy breeds passive aggression and develops depression.
- Depressive conditions can cause breathing and bowel problems.
- When a person is irritated or stressed, his skin produces more oil. The result of this is an increase in rashes: acne, various forms of rash, hives. If a person is prone to eczema or psoriasis, then the diseases worsen.
- Envy develops tachycardia, provokes chest pain and heart failure.
- Anger has a negative effect on the eyes.
- Envy provokes congestion in the liver and gall bladder.
- When a person is constantly in a bad mood, his immune system suffers and the likelihood of getting sick increases.
- Constant melancholy can provoke insomnia and excessive fatigue.
- The sexual sphere of a person’s life suffers due to stress.
- Negative emotions lead to weight fluctuations and pinched nerves.
