What is envy and is it always a bad feeling: reasons, signs, ways to get rid of it

An ax of the soul, a destructive poison for the heart, the most disgusting passion, the baseness of nature, the friend of empty souls, the sister of competition, the mother of iniquities... There are so many metaphors about this feeling in the works of ancient and modern philosophers and writers! Every person has experienced envy at least once. Only for some it is just a short-term emotion - a prick, the pain from which passes quickly, and the wound remains almost invisible. But for others, it becomes a real pathology, corroding the soul and requiring the intervention of psychologists, and sometimes psychotherapists.

What is envy

We cannot speak unambiguously about envy; this concept is broad and very capacious. The simplest lexical meaning of the word can be found in Ushakov’s explanatory dictionary. Envy is the desire to have what someone else has.

A large psychological dictionary offers the following definition: envy is a feeling of annoyance caused by the well-being and success of another. In its extreme manifestation, envy provokes a feeling of hatred, anger towards a person, a thirst for his failure, fall.

Psychology believes that envy is bad, because it has a destructive effect on a person. He finds happiness for himself in someone else's misfortune.

Some people have a neutral or even positive attitude towards envy, because this feeling is a kind of litmus test. If envy arises, then something is going wrong in a person’s life. This feeling can help usher in positive change.

Reasons for the transition of emotion into pathology

To cope with envy, which becomes a destructive pathology, it is necessary to get to the bottom of its origins. Not a single feeling arises in a person just like that, out of nowhere. They are all grown on some soil. Therefore, the first step towards getting rid of a poisonous scourge is to find out the reasons. The following circumstances are most often the provoking factors.

Frustration

Inability to satisfy one’s own needs, discrepancy between desires and capabilities. In psychology, it is one of the strongest psychotraumas. Causes strong aggression against someone who does not have such a problem. The consequences are deprivation, neuroses and egodystonia. For example, one of my friends goes on vacation to the sea every year. The second, due to his financial condition, cannot afford it and begins to envy.

Need

It is a source of frustration, which subsequently develops into pathological envy. Lack of money, financial insolvency, low social status force a person to compare himself with others - the rich, the successful, those at the helm of power. As psychologists note, today the too obvious stratification of society, which is actively exaggerated by the media, is the cause of most psychological disorders.

Dissatisfaction with appearance

More than 75% of people have internal complexes due to their own appearance. Some are embarrassed by the shape of their nose, others hate their figure, and still others cannot look at themselves in the mirror at all. Reasons: congenital pathology (deformities, heredity) or acquired psychotrauma (contrived complexes due to suggestion by parents, peers, husband, etc.). Such people are capable of being very envious of those who fit social stereotypes of beauty.

Lack of personal achievements

Sometimes people, having wealth, family well-being, normal appearance, begin to feel emptiness within themselves. It seems that everything is there, but the potential remains unspent. It would be possible to make a more successful career, move to a larger city or abroad, send a child to sports, etc. Comparisons with former classmates, co-workers, neighbors, relatives begin - and envy arises.

Subjectivism

A person stews in his thoughts around the clock. Often, focusing on problems, he does not see the positive things happening in life. For example, if at work it is not possible to occupy a high position and earn more, all efforts are thrown into closing this gap. Even if everything is fine in the family, everyone is healthy, no one quarrels, the children are doing well in school or sports - all this fades into the background. There is no objective picture of life. Envy arises towards those who achieve career growth. Although, most likely, the latter also has his own difficulties, but in a different area - disagreements with his wife, illness of parents, misunderstanding with teenage children, etc.

Childhood psychotrauma, peculiarities of upbringing

The most common cause of envy. It completely takes over a person if, in childhood, parents:

• they praised him only when he achieved a certain success (if he finished a quarter with honors, won a competition, etc.);
• punished for the slightest offense by saying offensive words and using physical violence;
• forced to constantly limit oneself in desires;
• convinced that wealth and power are always bad;
• invaded personal space, controlled every step;
• They argued that you always have to pay for happiness with tears and pain;
• supported pessimistic sentiments.

As a result of such upbringing, there is no ability to sincerely enjoy life, deep internal complexes and a distorted value system are formed. While others, believing in success, make a career, create a prosperous family, and realize their potential. It goes without saying that jealousy of others’ achievements and envy arises.

If the cause of envy is psychological trauma, you will have to get rid of it with the help of a psychotherapist - perhaps even through hypnosis. It allows you to identify gaps in the upbringing and attitude of parents and correct distorted attitudes. If the problem is low self-esteem and internal complexes, a psychologist will help you cope with them. All other points can be eliminated yourself.

This is interesting! In 2009, Japanese scientists from the National Institute of Radiology (Honshu Island) conducted a series of studies under the leadership of Hidehiko Takahashi, MD and PhD. As a result, they said they had found the area of ​​the brain responsible for envy and schadenfreude. This is the anterior part of the cingulate cortex. It is noteworthy that it plays a major role in the occurrence of pain syndromes.

Types of envy

People envy in different ways, which is why psychologists distinguish different types of envy.

There are other classifications of envy:

1. Black and white. Black envy provokes negative feelings (anger, competition, dissatisfaction, hatred, desire to compare). White is an impetus for positive changes.
2. Male and female. It is believed that envy is more common in women than in men. Women's envy often borders on hatred. Quality also manifests itself in guys, but it is no longer envy, but a spirit of competition, a desire to win and prove one’s superiority.
3. Short term and long term. Envy can only arise once. For example, a woman envied her friend that she had a fashionable bag, and then bought herself an equally fashionable one or completely forgot about someone else’s bag. But envy can last for years. For example, to someone else’s social status, lifestyle or position.

Envy in literature

Many books are written about envious people, some of which have already become recognized world classics:

1. A. Pushkin “Mozart and Salieri”. A work about the eternal confrontation between two geniuses.
2. Christopher Priest "Prestige". What to do if your friend becomes more successful than you? What if he is to blame for the death of your lover? Another story about the eternal confrontation between art and science, reason and feelings.
3. Thomas Mann "Joseph and His Brothers" Joseph was Jacob's favorite son, which made his other brothers terribly angry. What will come of this?
4. Ian McEwan "Atonement". The feeling of envy can ruin a person's life and change his destiny forever. “For the company” his relatives, who are not guilty of anything, may also suffer.
5. Julian Barnes "The Sense of the End" The main character suffered all his life from feelings of envy towards two more successful and bright people. The feeling haunts him even in his old age.

Do you know works and films about envy? Share in the comments. Let's put together a cool selection.

Signs

Black envy simply paralyzes a person and does not allow him to exist normally. Signs:

• aggression;
• inferiority complex;
• gloating;
• injured pride;
• vanity;
• exaggerated desire for justice;
• greed;
• hatred;
• hostility;

A person with such feelings considers the successes of others to be the reason for his own failures. Tries to harm the object, to humiliate him.

White envy is an adequate feeling. An envious person perceives the success of another as the result of his efforts. There may be a desire to elevate yourself. Signs of this condition:

• empathy;
• goodwill;
• Delight.

It is difficult to recognize unconscious gray envy in yourself. Its signs:

• Bad mood;
• dissatisfaction with life;
• irritability;
• despondency.

Such a person is bored listening to the target talk about his successes, and is irritated by his boasting and lack of restraint. For some reason I often feel sad and sorry for myself.

Why do people envy others - reasons

If a person regularly envies others, then such behavior is not the norm. There are serious reasons for envy. Where envy comes from and how the habit of envying others is cultivated in a person, see the table.

What do you think provokes envy in a person? Share your opinion in the comments. Examples from your life and the lives of friends.

Do they envy you?

“The envy of other artists has always served me as a thermometer of success,” said Salvador Dali . Some people happily flaunt their achievements and juggle in front of familiar bright events in their lives. But most of us are in no hurry to talk about ourselves. How can you tell if your friends and colleagues are sincerely happy for you? Should they be trusted with their little successes, or is it better to never share them with anyone, and when leaving the house, just in case, wear an “evil eye” pin under your clothes?..

Article on the topic

Without envy and complaints, but with love: how to live to be a hundred years happy

Most often, envy is felt on an intuitive level. And the rule “the eyes are the mirror of the soul” does not lose its relevance to this day. When the interlocutor hears information that clearly upsets him, his pupils noticeably narrow, his gaze and facial expression change. Even if he smiles diligently at the same time.

Therefore, try not to let everyone in on your secrets. One or two close people is a sufficient circle of listeners. There is no need to report to others about the events of your life. If an envious interlocutor persistently asks you about something, try to switch him away from the topic that is undesirable for you. This is pure diplomacy, but it is necessary! Better yet, exclude those who envy you from your list of acquaintances.

How to understand that others are jealous

The main signs of envy:

1. There is a sense of insincerity in a person’s tone, even if he congratulates or compliments another.
2. Efforts are worthless. An envious person attributes success to favorable circumstances or luck.
3. An envious person constantly brags about his successes and deliberately exaggerates them.
4. The person notices that the envious person has begun to imitate him (clothes, manner of speech, hobbies).
5. Jealous people love to compete with others.
6. If a person fails or makes even the slightest mistake, the envious person will not miss the opportunity to demonstrate his joy.
7. They are always looking for a reason to gossip behind their envy's back.
8. Shows a clearly negative attitude.

How do you recognize the envy of others? Share your secrets in the comments.

Experience your own powerlessness

A very important step in working with envy (as with any problem) is to admit that you can overcome it on your own. That is, in our case, you will neither reconcile nor act. Why? Any passion is a breakdown of a person’s volitional mechanisms. This is especially evident in the example of chemical addiction - there is a certain zone in which you are not able to control your own behavior. The main illusion that a person has in this situation is that he will now tense up, pull himself together, pull himself together, read another book and... improve.

An attempt to cope with one’s passion by a volitional decision when one’s will is violated results in an endless nightmare of rotation in the cycle of passion. This is self-deception. Until a person admits that his volitional mechanisms are broken, he will not be able to do anything. “Go, throw your passion at the feet of Christ and you will receive relief,” the Egyptian ascetic said to his disciple. It is very useful to face the experience of your own powerlessness. Admitting your powerlessness over passion is the first small victory over it.

Source: www.nsad.ru

Please note that the information presented on the site is for informational and educational purposes only and is not intended for self-diagnosis and self-medication. The selection and prescription of medications, treatment methods, as well as monitoring their use can only be carried out by the attending physician. Be sure to consult a specialist.

Why is it dangerous and does it affect health?

From the point of view of etiquette, envy is condemned; even if it arises, it is customary to hide it. A person begins to become more emotionally invested in someone else’s life, while forgetting about his own. His affairs, plans and hobbies gradually collapse, and when a person comes to his senses, it is often too late.

Envy also negatively affects a person’s health and well-being:

1. Envy breeds passive aggression and develops depression.
2. Depressive conditions can cause breathing and bowel problems.
3. When a person is irritated or stressed, his skin produces more oil. The result of this is an increase in rashes: acne, various forms of rash, hives. If a person is prone to eczema or psoriasis, then the diseases worsen.
4. Envy develops tachycardia, provokes chest pain and heart failure.
5. Anger has a negative effect on the eyes.
6. Envy provokes congestion in the liver and gall bladder.
7. When a person is constantly in a bad mood, his immune system suffers and the likelihood of getting sick increases.
8. Constant melancholy can provoke insomnia and excessive fatigue.
9. The sexual sphere of a person’s life suffers due to stress.
10. Negative emotions lead to weight fluctuations and pinched nerves.

Consequences: how it poisons our lives

This is a dangerous feeling accompanied by anxiety. It needs to be taken seriously. The human body, like poison, is saturated with negativity. It corrodes the nervous system from the inside. What an envious character can lead to:

1. Development of chronic depression. Anxiety is accompanied by frustration, despondency, and a decrease in emotional background. Prolonged stay in this state leads to changes in the biochemical structure of the brain. An important hormone, serotonin, is not produced. Without it, there is no motivation, there is a loss of strength, and important processes in the body slow down. A deficiency of this hormone leads to depression.
2. The person falls into apathy. There is absolutely no energy to implement plans and goals. Inside there is nothing but devastation. There is no desire to do what you love and enjoy life.
3. Communication with people is deteriorating. Such people are avoided. It reveals their arrogant attitude towards others and their sarcasticness.
4. Conflict situations arise.
5. Low self-esteem is reinforced. Attention shifts to other people's achievements, and the chance of one's own success decreases.
6. An imaginary sense of justice develops. Constant disappointments.

Envy, like rust, corrodes and destroys souls. If you feed it with negativity and resentment, then it is impossible to overcome it. In contrast, it is worth putting strong, bright feelings. There are many ways to deal with this emotion. The most important thing is to stop feeling sorry for yourself and take steps towards success. It is important to focus on your own development. Become friendly, wish people well, praise them, give sincere compliments.

How to deal with envious people

Envious people are not the most pleasant interlocutors. They can make a person nervous, worried, and feel awkward. How to communicate with them with minimal losses for yourself:

1. Limit communication time and keep it to a minimum.
2. If a person expresses envy openly, then you can honestly tell him how difficult success is, how much you have to work for it, and what you deny yourself. A person must understand that other people's achievements are not a happy accident or a generous gift. But there is a chance that the envious person will simply brush it off.
3. Follow the saying “Happiness loves silence.” There is no need to talk about the level of your bonus, your relationship with your significant other, or other achievements. This only creates the ground for envy.
4. In the presence of an envious person, you should behave neutrally. There is no need to complain about failures and mistakes. This will only feed the envious person emotionally; he will then use all the information against the person.
5. Show self-confidence, do not react to the caustic remarks of the envious person, or respond to them as politely as possible.

FAQ

How to protect yourself from the envy of others?

There is a saying that only those who do nothing make no mistakes. This does not work with envy; even a completely passive person is not immune from becoming the object of this not very pleasant feeling. This means you shouldn’t look back at those who suffer from envy without intending to change anything. But you need to take personal safety measures. First of all, don’t take it to heart. “If they spit in your back, it means you’re ahead.” And that's great. And communication with an envious person should be limited to a minimum, meeting attacks with a neutral smile and not reacting to provocations.

How to understand that this is envy?

It is easier to recognize an emotion on the part of another person, since you can observe facial expressions and behavior from the outside. If a person does not show sincere joy at the success of others, is constantly wary and ready to say nasty things, bows his head so as not to make eye contact - this is envy. It is more difficult to catch yourself in this feeling. You will have to listen to your inner feelings and note if there is a feeling of discomfort, irrational resentment or dissatisfaction when you look at or think about a certain person. In this case, you can’t let negativity take root if you don’t want to ruin your life. When your strength is not enough, you should consult a psychologist.

How do I know if I have envious people?

And again observation will save you. If there is an unhealthy buzz around a certain person, the person is the subject of gossip or scandals without reason on his part, then most likely he has become an object of envy. It’s worth looking around and thinking about how sincere your friends and acquaintances are in expressing their feelings. This will allow you to quickly identify the envious person and neutralize him, reducing communication to a minimum.

How to understand that people envy you at work?

The main external manifestations of this situation are regularly occurring gossip, groundless nagging and inflated demands, attempts to give additional workload without payment, as well as ignorance from colleagues. A good sign is that if people begin to imitate a person, this is already a constructive option, when hostility is translated into motivation.

How to deal with envious colleagues?

Envy is not a reason to change your job, especially if you like it and are satisfied with the conditions. You can neutralize an envious person by not giving him a reason for gossip and not mentioning your successes more often than necessary. The personal must be left behind the scenes, but at the same time there is no need to skimp on compliments and avoid group events. The most important thing is that you should not deviate from your intended goal, since you cannot bury talent in the ground to please others. Everyone goes to their own heights.

What is narcissistic envy?

This is a special type of hatred associated with the desire for the unattainable, the desire to receive everything without giving anything in return. Often negative self-esteem leads to the appearance of complexes when dissatisfaction is directed at oneself. In case of failure, such a person cannot and does not strive to find support from others. This provokes the development of emotional and behavioral disorders, neuroses, and unmotivated aggression. Need help from a psychologist.

What is maternal envy?

A woman's envy of her child may be associated with a poorly developed maternal instinct. Most often, this occurs if the baby is unwanted, born too early, when the mother’s personality has not yet formed. Signs include complaints about an unfulfilled life, a constant emphasis on the fact that the child is luckier and has better conditions, and constant dissatisfaction with any actions of a daughter or son. The feeling is so destructive that it destroys the lives of both, rewarding them with complexes, a feeling of unreasonable guilt and a desire not to meet for as long as possible, even to the point of refusing to communicate.

Protection from the envy of others

If someone is jealous of a person, this can seriously affect his emotional state. There are several ways to protect yourself from the envy of others, see the table.

What to do if you yourself feel jealous

The Germans are sure that an envious person always suffers and cannot be happy. How to deal with your own envy:

1. Accept the world as it is, and not look for justice and answers to questions.
2. Stop criticizing people, especially stop unconstructive criticism. Not all people act as we ourselves consider necessary, and they have the right to do so. If you need to criticize someone at work, then do it as tactfully as possible, always rely on your colleague’s successes and positive emotions.
3. Engage in self-improvement. New knowledge and positive emotions will leave no room for envy in your soul.
4. Learn to rejoice in the achievements of others, sincerely admire people who managed to achieve something. They did it, and you can too.
5. Stop comparing yourself to others. It is much more productive to compare yourself with your former self than to regularly recognize your inferiority compared to more successful people. Goal setting and self-analysis will help here.

Vision angle

Yes, it is natural and normal to compare yourself to others. But how we perceive our personal and professional achievements (or lack thereof) depends only on us. Will it be black envy and condemnation of more successful friends (colleagues), or white envy, like an internal shot that triggers the work of thought in one direction: how and what to do so that I can have it too.

Psychologists have terms to designate two types of people’s reactions: extrapunitive and intrapunitive. With the first, we look for the causes of world evil in the actions of others. With the second, we dive into ourselves, turn on the mode of searching for answers, opportunities, reserves and motives within ourselves. With “white” envy, it is the second type of reaction that “works” for us.

How to get rid of a problem and benefit from it - practices

Any emotion is valuable, including envy. We do not encourage you to directly fight it, but to transform this feeling and make it work in your favor:

1. Exercise “Forgive and Let Go.” It is important to learn to let go of negative emotions (anger, resentment, anger, aggression). If you get rid of them, new, productive and creative feelings will come to replace them. Previously, we wrote about how to let go of your own anger and give vent to your emotions.
2. Exercise "Plus and Minus". There is a balance in life, which says that if a person loses something, he will certainly gain something in another area. If something bad happens, then you should look for advantages in this situation, it is advisable to record them in writing. For example, the owner of the apartment asked me to vacate the apartment, but I can find a better or more attractive option.
3. “Real Goal” technique. It is important to set only realistic and achievable goals. A prerequisite is that the result of an activity must depend on the person, and not on random circumstances. For example, next month I will write reports well, and I will definitely be praised at the meeting.
4. Exercise “What can I?” Envy is a marker that something is going wrong in a person’s life. It is worth thinking and deciding what can be done now to improve the situation. For example, increase income, learn something new, make peace with loved ones.

It is advisable to surround yourself with positive people who know how to be grateful and give these emotions to others. There is no need to treat envy badly. Every person experiences this feeling. It is only important to learn how to work with it correctly.

Do the exercises in writing. This will help secure the material. By unloading all thoughts from your head, new ideas and thoughts begin to come to you, which will help you see new solutions.

How often do you notice feelings of envy in yourself? How do you prefer to work with him? Or maybe there are envious people in your environment. Tell us about your experience in the comments.

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