“You did great, you did everything just wonderful!” It would be nice to hear only such words. But in reality, rarely does a day go by without criticism. They make comments to us at work, at home, in transport, and anywhere. Since criticism cannot be avoided, you need to learn how to respond to it correctly. In this article we will look in detail at how to respond to criticism addressed to you.
Why is it so difficult to calmly respond to criticism?
For many, criticism is a source of a variety of unpleasant emotions, and not only because, due to errors found, part of the work will have to be redone. unsettle someone
, and for people with low self-esteem it further reduces it.
Often the person being criticized experiences severe stress and cognitive dissonance
, especially when he is sure that he is doing everything well, but those around him convince him otherwise.
But why does criticism hurt? First of all, this happens when it hits a sore spot.
. Imagine: you meet a three-eyed representative of an extraterrestrial civilization, and he accuses you of finding your two-eyed face disgusting. Will you be offended? It’s unlikely, because you know that everything is fine with you (at least within the confines of planet Earth). But if you have a complex about your height and someone speaks out about it, it will be difficult to calm down the unpleasant emotions.
When does criticism hurt the most?
- When words from the outside echo your inner critic.
- If you have a history of psychological trauma.
- When a person suffers from: narcissism,
- perfectionism,
- paranoia,
- depression,
- low self-esteem,
- excessive vulnerability.
Rule 8 - Use someone else's opinion to add perspective
Different people think differently. They see the situation differently. They notice what others do not notice and, conversely, they do not see what you see. This is why we are forced to cooperate: our points of view complement each other, even if, at first glance, they seem to be in conflict.
It's like looking at the same point on the landscape, but from different angles. You are standing on a hill to the north, and your colleague is overlooking the point from the plain to the south. You see the landscape from above: the roofs of houses, the peaks of towers, but you do not realize the actual height of the buildings. Whereas, if you look at them from below, your eye will more accurately notice how some buildings differ in height from others. And the contradiction generated by looking from different perspectives is only imaginary.
Open collaboration, a willingness to accept someone else's point of view, gives volume, depth and completeness to the problem at hand, be it your relationship, your work, or yourself.
Why do people even criticize you?
Criticism is usually divided into constructive and non-constructive.
.
The goal of the first is to correct the shortcomings
of your work, your behavior, etc., the goal of the second is
to offend, offend, and cause negative emotions
. Even if there are grains of truth in such words, they are presented in harsher words, even insults. Accordingly, the reaction to such speeches is more vivid, although in most cases there is no need to react to them at all. How to avoid falling into this trap?
Let's think about why everywhere - on the street, at work, on the Internet - there are so many individuals who want to ruin your mood and hurt you with or without reason? As a rule, everything can be explained by the following reasons
:
- Problems in life and, as a result, the desire to take out anger
on someone. - An attempt to cover up envy, irritation, resentment
towards you or other negative emotions associated with you, but not with the issue at hand. - The presence of a certain need
, which for some reason cannot be satisfied, and you act as an irritant (for example, you just returned from vacation, and a colleague cannot afford it this year). - The desire to establish one's status
and higher position in society can manifest itself among bosses. - The need to feel needed
and respected often arises in an older family member. - The desire to look better compared to you
in order to promote your idea or achieve your goals - this is how colleagues can act. - An attempt to justify your own unsuccessful actions
by casting your activities in a more negative light. - The need to compensate for one's own feelings of insecurity
. - The desire to get your attention
, accompanied by a lack of social skills and the inability to give good feedback, is more common in children and adolescents. - The desire to achieve your admiration
- in such a situation, the critic usually considers himself an expert in what caused the conflict between you. - Narcissism
, which does not allow a person to come to terms with the fact that you do not agree with him on some issues. - The desire to make it clear that your actions hurt or harm the critic
. - Suspicion that you have an unfair advantage
in something.
We will also note several options when criticism cannot be called constructive, but it does not serve the purpose of ruining your mood:
- A sincere desire to help do “what is best”
(as they sometimes say, “do good.” - Having strong convictions
– political, religious, etc. - A different value system
, because of which the individual condemns you.
Thus, when you are criticized, you need to distinguish fair words from unfair ones
to determine further tactics. Remember that fair comments can also be mixed with emotions. For example, your boss has already explained to you five times how to properly prepare a report, but the next printout showed that you were again in the clouds.
Rule 3 - Ask for details
Sometimes it's worth clarifying a criticism. First of all, thank the person for their critical comment. Next, you should make sure that you understood him correctly: you can clarify some aspects of his remark. For example: “what do you mean by lack of references to sources”, “give an example, please!”
This will not only buy you time, but also clarify, detail the criticism and change your reaction to it. For example, at first it seemed to you that the quality of your work in general was being questioned, but after clarifying the criticism, you became convinced that it was only about a separate aspect of your work: “Okay, I’ll give an example. In the “software” section you do not have an analysis of the sources you relied on. I also did not see a detailed analysis in the “technical solutions” section. As for the remaining 12 sections, there is enough analysis there.”
Agree, such criticism is much easier to accept than the generalized statement “you do not cite sources in your work.” People tend to generalize, so ask them to clarify their comments and support them with specific examples. The same applies to life situations, not just work situations. Instead of arguing with your wife because she called you irresponsible, ask her in what situations you are irresponsible and how often such situations occur. Ask her to give examples. It is always easier to agree with examples than with abstract accusations. You can’t argue with facts; they help dot the i’s. Maybe you'll find out that you really aren't being very responsible with your life and something needs to change. Or you will come to the conclusion that the facts of irresponsible behavior are exaggerated by your spouse, they are isolated. And in many situations you remain serious and decisive.
This tactic will not only help clarify what the critic meant, but will also allow you to take a time out so as not to give in to the first reaction, which can be the most destructive when you do not have the time and opportunity to relax and calm down.
How do you know if criticism is fair?
When a person is criticized, his first instinct is often to try to interrupt the accuser and start defending himself, but it is very important to let him finish. Focus on the speaker and try to answer the following questions honestly
:
- Do the critic's words correspond to reality?
- What is the criticism directed at - at you as a person or at your actions, actions, your work? Getting personal is rarely constructive, especially when your qualities that are not directly related to the issue at hand are being condemned.
- Does this person seem to have good intentions and is trying to help you?
- Is the speaker really interested in solving the problem and achieving mutual understanding, or does he have other goals - for example, he just wants to vent his frustrations or elevate himself by putting you down?
- Does he demonstrate feelings of envy, anger, resentment, etc. that are not related to the issue at hand? Pay attention to tone of voice, facial expressions, body language.
- Are you criticized one-on-one or publicly? If publicly, why in front of these people?
- Is the person addressing you or is his presentation intended for others?
- Is he competing with you for status or position?
- Do his words really reflect his opinion or is it something personal?
- Is he projecting onto you his own problems that you know about?
- Is he ready to listen to your answer?
- Does he respect your right to have a different opinion and make your own choices?
- Is he ready to make concessions to reach a compromise?
The answers will tell you what they really want from you - for you to correct any shortcomings/mistakes or simply act as a reason to pour out negativity on you. Depending on this, choose a further strategy on how to respond to critical cues.
Oscar Wilde wrote: “Criticism is the only reliable form of autobiography.” More often than not, a critic’s words say more about himself than about the object being criticized.
Strategy two: no conflict
People react painfully to criticism, reflexively, unconsciously. Any comments are an attack that must be defended against. This is a natural reaction, which sometimes manifests itself outside of a person’s will in various little things.
For example, people often interrupt critics. The following phrases are often heard: “I know it myself”; “What are you talking about?”; "I'll deal"; "Not true!"; “I can live without your valuable advice.”
And body language usually gives off a “defensive position.” Arms crossed over the chest, one leg crossed over the other, a glance to the side or up, tightly compressed lips - all this is evidence of suppressed retaliatory aggression.
These little things lead to conflict. Even if a person is ready to accept constructive comments, the one who makes them has a completely different idea. And as a result of this, the conversation leaves a negative aftertaste and is regarded as a conflict. Of course, they begin to say about a person that he is completely incapable of accepting critical comments, although this is not the case. Therefore, it is important to monitor your speech, facial expressions and postures.
If the criticism is objective
Filter what is said
You can't believe every word
– even constructive statements can be exaggerated, especially if a person speaks out of emotion.
But you can’t deny everything either. If you take negative feedback too seriously, you risk psychological trauma, and if you reject it completely without looking for anything useful in it, you will learn nothing
.
Accept the truth
If the “accuser” is right, be honest, admit it and take appropriate action
. Taking responsibility for your actions is a good strategy inherent in emotionally mature, harmonious individuals.
Calm down
Even after fair criticism, you may feel hurt, and this is a normal reaction. Try not to act rashly
and find something
to calm yourself down with
. Treat yourself to something pleasant to relax and unwind: take a hot bath, discuss a problem with a friend, go to the cinema, etc.
Take action
If possible, put the fair comments you receive into action.
. If you see positive changes, it will help you understand and accept that criticism is not always evil and that paying attention to it can actually help.
If the criticism is biased
In such cases, several options are possible:
They are trying to humiliate you
If you think the critic is a narcissist, your competitor, or just a toxic brawler and his words are obviously biased, set boundaries and try to avoid communicating with this person
.
If you are unfairly criticized by a boss or client with whom you would not like to spoil your relationship, it is better to nod and try to forget about it. But if someone you're close to does this, it's best to tell them how you feel.
The person is projecting their problems onto you.
Sometimes when people criticize you, they are actually talking about themselves, projecting the situation
. For example, a colleague scolds you for revealing an outfit, while she herself would love to appear in the office in a spectacular dress, but finances/strict upbringing/complexes, etc. do not allow her. Therefore, she tries to prove to herself that everything in the office must adhere to the strictest style.
In this case, you should also not take such words seriously: they are not even about you
.
The critic wants your attention/respect
If the critic is a family member or friend, you can tell him that you care about him and sincerely want to understand, even if you disagree on a particular issue. If a person needs to know that their efforts are appreciated, tell them that. But remember that you have the right to your opinion, different from the point of view of your opponent
.
A good way to confront a teen who is trying to upset you with negative feedback is to acknowledge that their feelings are legitimate, but they need to work on communicating them more respectfully.
Pitfalls to Avoid When Being Criticized
The desire to give in to emotions
The first reaction (anger, resentment, desire to hurt in response) repeats the reaction to stress, and it is always wrong. Many rush into a counterattack and begin to hurl retaliatory accusations, others remain shocked in silence, and still others make excuses. None of this is adequate to solve the problem. Therefore, it is important to put emotions aside
. If this is not possible right now, try to take a timeout and wait until you calm down.
Feeling tense
Listening to criticism is the same stress factor for the body as falling from a height. To minimize damage when hitting the ground, you need to relax your body muscles as much as possible.
. The same rule works in a situation where someone criticizes your actions. Negative feedback causes most people to tense up because they expect to get hurt and subconsciously want to block the pain, but instead only make things worse. Try to calm down, relax your muscles, control your breathing.
Striving to respond as quickly as possible
It’s better to think carefully about what has been said, and if possible, take time to think. Take a deep breath, focus on your emotional reaction and the nonverbal message of the critic. Focus on the fact that you want to resolve the conflict, not make it worse
.
If you can't postpone the conversation, use delay tactics by reflecting back what the person said. Repeat his thought: “Are you saying that...?” Or say directly that you need a few minutes to collect your thoughts.
An attempt to make excuses
Think: what if what was said is true? To evaluate criticism more objectively, imagine that there is another person in your place.
and you look at the actions he performed on behalf of someone else. How would you evaluate your actions, the result of your work, etc.? Justified criticism (that is, one that you yourself have justified) causes less negative emotions and can be more beneficial to you.
Remember: negative feedback, like failure, is a good opportunity for self-improvement, it is an incentive to look at yourself from the outside.
How to get rid of shame and avoid soul-searching after listening to criticism?
For some people, negative emotions can unsettle them for a long time. If you find yourself returning to an unpleasant conversation over and over again, the following tips can help you calm down.
Your actions are not you
If you mess up the numbers in your annual report, it doesn't mean you're no good. Troubles happen to everyone, and there is no point in blaming yourself endlessly.
. Despite the mistake you made and the dissatisfaction of your colleagues, you still have the right to be a respected person.
By making mistakes you learn
Mistakes don't make you bad, they make you better.
. They help prevent larger troubles and be more attentive in the future, and sometimes they help you gain new useful knowledge and even get to know your surroundings better.
You may also find NLP presuppositions useful. Regardless of how you feel about NPD, these attitudes and principles can be really helpful
Nobody is perfect
You should never consider yourself perfect
, because in this case you will feel shame because of your mistakes (and they will definitely happen). Instead, it is better to thank—you can mentally—the critic for the experience gained.
There's no point in torturing yourself
If the criticism is fair, this does not mean that you need to remember the painful experience again and again and experience torment of conscience. Think about how to use the situation wisely and don't dwell on it
. For example, use the following technique: as soon as your thoughts return to this situation, interrupt yourself and switch to what you need to buy for dinner, what series to watch, how the events in the book you are reading will develop, etc. And so every time an unpleasant situation comes to mind.
Few people don't like criticism, but it is valuable information about how others perceive you. It is important to find a middle ground between taking more responsibility for the problems of others and defending yourself. Remember that it is important to understand the motives and show wisdom, and not cut from the shoulder. Make it a habit from time to time to ask yourself how you can improve what you do - this will keep you one step ahead of uninvited critics.
Strategy Three: Containing Paranoia
In this case, paranoia should not be understood as a mental disorder at all, but as excessive suspiciousness, overthinking oneself and second-guessing what one hears. Often a calm attitude towards critical statements is hampered by the peculiarity of perception. People do not hear what is said to them, but invent for themselves the meaning of the phrases said by the critic.
For example, if a person pointed out to a painter an unpainted area on a window frame, this does not mean that he is dissatisfied with the entire repair. The critic simply saw a flaw and said so. Nothing other than what was stated was meant. But the paranoid master will spend the rest of the working day thinking about the remark, stressing himself out, imagining various troubles, such as non-payment of money and bad reviews of work. The result of this will be a visit to a bar, where the painter will tell his friends about what kind of “snob” he works for. Moreover, the master will subsequently warn all his comrades against collaborating with the critic.
People prone to paranoia, when they hear critical remarks, not only think them out, they are also very worried. Those who take criticism this way often feel like the world is ganging up on them. It seems to them that those around them who allow themselves to make comments simply hate them or are jealous.
How to calmly respond to criticism and not get upset or beat yourself up? It’s very simple - you need to hear not your inner voice, but what the other person is saying. The essence of the remark must be taken literally. If a critic pointed out a specific flaw, he did not mean anything else. Accordingly, you just need to correct the mistake and immediately forget about it.
