How to respond to criticism: rules and strategies

October 26, 2019
Psychology of relationships
Angelica Braldi

“I react sharply to criticism,” this statement can be heard quite often. People often worry about their sensitivity. After all, a painful reaction to critical remarks not only interferes with personal growth, it can also create many problems. For example, if your boss makes a remark, an overly nervous reaction can harm your career. What if a friend criticizes the new dress? Resentment can cause a break in a relationship.

A painful reaction to comments can harm a person’s work results. Nervous perception makes it difficult to see mistakes made and correct them.

How to deal with criticism?

How to respond to criticism? Keep silent, smile, take note? Maybe we should take advice from a popular movie and apologize for our own shortcomings? Or thank the critic for pointing out shortcomings and mistakes?

Behavioral response is determined by a person's attitude. Accordingly, if it seems incorrect or causes inconvenience, you need to reflect on your attitude towards criticism.

The vast majority of people do not take criticism well. But is this attitude a problem? Being carried away by self-improvement and considering criticism useful, many forget that it does not always contribute to human development or correction of mistakes. What is the reason for the belief that the critic is right? What would have happened to modern art if Van Gogh had listened to criticism?

Accordingly, when thinking about your own attitude towards comments, you need to understand which of them cause rejection. If we are talking about a nervous reaction to remarks that do not have an objective argument, then it is unlikely that trying to defend your vision of something is a wrong attitude. In other words, everything that is subjective cannot be criticized.

If the attitude towards criticism is negative in general, then it is worth changing it. The problem for a person is a reaction that includes:

severe frustration;
long-term experiences;
refusal to study or loss of interest and motivation.

If the attitude towards criticism is so painful that it can cause stress, then it is urgently necessary to change it.

In general, one must approach comments with Buddhist calm, avoiding both violent denial and blind acceptance.

Rule 7 - Don’t argue with other people’s impressions, listen to them

A few years ago, on one forum, I saw a request from one participant to evaluate his online project. The idea for the site was interesting. But the implementation was at a very low level: small font, lack of paragraphs, confusing style of presenting information, difficulty with navigation, completely unsightly design, lack of optimization.

Critics voiced all these shortcomings, showed examples of successful sites and made suggestions on how and what needs to be corrected for the site to become popular. That is, the criticism was aimed more at helping than at denigrating the work of this person.

But the author of the site stubbornly disagreed with the criticism. He said that the font and navigation were actually fine and the site didn't need any improvement. And the critics, in his opinion, were simply mistaken in their assessments.

But you can never be wrong in your impression! If your work has a repulsive effect on someone, then that effect is what it is. If someone says that they are uncomfortable reading the text on your presentation or their eyes are strained by the colors of your design, then they are most likely not deceiving you. Yes, this impression may change over time, but now it is exactly like that and, most likely, for a reason. If you do work for people, and not to admire it alone, then it makes even more sense to listen to people’s opinions.

The author of the site I was talking about could have listened to the opinions of those who were trying to help him make the site better for the public and, perhaps, win over his loyal readers. But in order to do this, he needed to get rid of the mindset that the result of his many months of work had to be perfect. But he was convinced of the correctness of his assessment, that he knew everything better than other people, whose impressions were “wrong,” and no one except him could evaluate his work. From the very beginning, he did not want criticism, despite his request. He only wanted to receive praise for the work done. And he sacrificed a potentially successful project to his ego and stubbornness. His website no longer exists.

What kind of criticism can there be?

How to properly respond to criticism? To the one that is useful - with gratitude. The one expressed by self-affirmation-hungry know-it-alls should simply be ignored. In other words, the correct reaction depends on what exactly the remark is.

Criticism can be subjective and objective. In fact, subjective comments cannot be considered full-fledged criticism; they are statements of personal opinion, and not “truth”. What does this criticism mean? All those statements that cannot be argued with something objective.

For example, a salesperson decorates the sales floor before opening a store and hangs balloons in the center. The manager comes and criticizes the work done, demanding that the balls be hung along the walls. Both people based their decision on their own personal idea of what a decorated room should look like. This is an example of subjective criticism, not based on anything other than personal perception. Thus, in most cases, the content of works, appearance, behavior and much more are criticized.

If a person puts on a beach robe and goes like this to a court hearing or to the theater, then criticism regarding his appearance will already be objective, since it can be reasoned. Objective criticism is one in which a person is pointed out the mistakes he has made based not on personal ideas, but on existing rules, traditions, and norms.

What influences the perception of criticism?

Often the answer to the question of how to respond to criticism directly depends on the type of criticism. That is, there is hardly any need to gratefully accept subjective comments expressed in an aggressive manner, in a raised voice, or, conversely, in a deliberately mentoring tone.

Rule 2. What can be improved?

Think about what the person criticizing you wanted to change. Maybe he wants to make you a real professional? Try to obey, and perhaps you will develop faster in your field. Maybe he wants to impose his way of life on you because he considers it the only correct one? If this kind of life simply doesn’t suit you, calmly say so. Maybe you made a mistake that you yourself didn’t notice? Then correct it and thank the critic. You can't go wrong in future.

What would change if you were flexible and listened to the critic? Just imagine possible scenarios.

How to react? Basic behavior strategies

How to respond to criticism addressed to you? As a rule, those who are looking for an answer to such a question have in mind lines of behavior and strategies that are applicable in practice.

Psychologists identify the following main theses that underlie an adequate behavioral response:

translation of a monologue into a discussion;
absence of conflict;
controlling paranoia;
maintaining self-esteem;
designation and adherence to the boundaries of influence of criticism.

Each of these theses, when implemented, becomes a behavior strategy.

Strategy One: Discussion

How to respond to criticism, the reasons and goals of which are not entirely clear? As a rule, such comments cause rejection. But what if the critic simply does not know how to express his thoughts succinctly? It is possible that the person is right, but the wording of the comment does not allow this to be understood immediately.

You need to listen carefully to everything that is said, and with a smile ask what exactly needs to be corrected and how. You should ask where exactly the mistake was made and how to avoid repeating it. The most important thing when choosing this line of behavior is goodwill, calmness and openness to questions. You cannot provoke a critic into conversation with phrases containing mockery, ambiguity, or any hints.

This strategy is also useful in the case when the critic does not pursue good goals, but tries to humiliate a person or manipulate him.

If you need to respond correctly to criticism, moving the monologue from comments to a conversation dedicated to discussing controversial issues will be the best behavioral strategy. This manner of perceiving criticism completely suppresses the desire of others to make a remark “out of nowhere.” Accordingly, it filters out unnecessary and subjective comments. Those who make substantive comments are only pleased by the opportunity for dialogue, because the discussion gives them a chance to explain their position in detail and in detail.

Strategy two: no conflict

People react painfully to criticism, reflexively, unconsciously. Any comments are an attack that must be defended against. This is a natural reaction, which sometimes manifests itself outside of a person’s will in various little things.

For example, people often interrupt critics. The following phrases are often heard: “I know it myself”; “What are you talking about?”; "I'll deal"; "Not true!"; “I can live without your valuable advice.”

And body language usually gives off a “defensive position.” Arms crossed over the chest, one leg crossed over the other, a glance to the side or up, tightly compressed lips - all this is evidence of suppressed retaliatory aggression.

These little things lead to conflict. Even if a person is ready to accept constructive comments, the one who makes them has a completely different idea. And as a result of this, the conversation leaves a negative aftertaste and is regarded as a conflict. Of course, they begin to say about a person that he is completely incapable of accepting critical comments, although this is not the case. Therefore, it is important to monitor your speech, facial expressions and postures.

Concluding remarks on criticism

Please make sure that you only use these methods when you are 100% sure that the other person's intentions are bad, especially those that destroy the Ego.

These tips should only be used when dealing with harsh criticism that is in no way constructive or has any other purpose than to make you feel bad.

Contact and make an appointment Read about counseling and qualifications

Psychologist, hypnologist Natalya Korshunova ©

Strategy Three: Containing Paranoia

In this case, paranoia should not be understood as a mental disorder at all, but as excessive suspiciousness, overthinking oneself and second-guessing what one hears. Often a calm attitude towards critical statements is hampered by the peculiarity of perception. People do not hear what is said to them, but invent for themselves the meaning of the phrases said by the critic.

For example, if a person pointed out to a painter an unpainted area on a window frame, this does not mean that he is dissatisfied with the entire repair. The critic simply saw a flaw and said so. Nothing other than what was stated was meant. But the paranoid master will spend the rest of the working day thinking about the remark, stressing himself out, imagining various troubles, such as non-payment of money and bad reviews of work. The result of this will be a visit to a bar, where the painter will tell his friends about what kind of “snob” he works for. Moreover, the master will subsequently warn all his comrades against collaborating with the critic.

People prone to paranoia, when they hear critical remarks, not only think them out, they are also very worried. Those who take criticism this way often feel like the world is ganging up on them. It seems to them that those around them who allow themselves to make comments simply hate them or are jealous.

How to calmly respond to criticism and not get upset or beat yourself up? It’s very simple - you need to hear not your inner voice, but what the other person is saying. The essence of the remark must be taken literally. If a critic pointed out a specific flaw, he did not mean anything else. Accordingly, you just need to correct the mistake and immediately forget about it.

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Strategy Four: Maintaining Self-Respect

The person who reacts adequately to criticism is the one who knows how to divide it into constructive and subjective, and not the one who immediately blindly accepts any comments. What does this mean in practice? The fact that you need to apologize only when there is something for it. Defects should be corrected only if they actually exist. It is necessary to respect yourself, your point of view and your own vision of something.

For example, if someone makes a comment about the dress you have chosen, you should not start making excuses or immediately change your clothes. Of course, you shouldn’t take criticism with hostility either.

But how to behave in order to maintain self-respect? If criticism comes from friends, friends, parents or colleagues of equal status, then it’s quite possible to laugh it off. But what if the boss makes a remark? After all, even if the boss is wrong, and what he considers a shortcoming is not such, it is hardly appropriate to defend one’s position. Of course, there are leaders in the world who are ready to discuss the instructions given, but this is very rare.

The strategy of behavior in such a situation does not change. You should not make excuses or apologize for shortcomings, unless they are actually mistakes and blunders. A polite phrase is enough to let the boss know that he has been heard. For example, something like this: “Thank you, I’ll definitely take it into account.”

Dealing with criticism and lack of self-confidence

Confidence and self-esteem is certainly one of the factors that influences your tolerance for comments on your actions or words. If you are a very successful (see Psychology of Success) and famous person, and someone tells you that you are a failure, then you will think that this person cannot judge others and is just trying to boost his self-esteem. It's very unlikely that you will think that you are defective, right?

The more confident you become, the less likely it is that any negative comments will affect you.

Strategy five: designating and respecting the boundaries of criticism

This line of behavior is needed by people in creative professions or doing something that cannot be assessed objectively. For example, designers in advertising agencies, housewives, fashion designers, hairdressers or architects do things that are almost impossible to subject to constructive criticism. Of course, if we do not talk about the technical nuances of work processes, but consider only those comments that relate to the results of work.

Very often, people encounter “advisers” who impose their opinions, and it is presented under the guise of criticism. For example, a housewife hangs green curtains in the kitchen. A friend who came to visit says: “Hey, green has not been in fashion for a long time, you need to hang red curtains with white polka dots.” A designer in an advertising agency, when designing a banner layout, chooses an orange background and black letters, and his colleague says: “This looks disgusting, at least play with the fonts or something.”

The list of examples can be continued. All of them indicate that people have not identified areas of their personal responsibility within which only they make decisions. Of course, you can’t prevent others from expressing their opinions, but you don’t need to react to them either. In such a situation, you need to follow the phraseology: “I am an artist. That's how I see it." And to the “advisers” it is quite possible to say: “I like it.”

In other words, the ability to respond to criticism also implies a clear understanding of the boundaries of one’s zone of self-expression or responsibility. Those who like to criticize should not be allowed outside their boundaries; there is no need to worry and worry, and also doubt yourself just because someone said something. Of course, if we are not talking about objective criticism.

Rule 6 - Get rid of the mindset that you have to be perfect

Let go of the belief that you have to be perfect and your work has to be perfect the first time. If everyone did their job perfectly, there would be no need for teamwork, meetings, and the exchange of ideas. People are forced to support each other, discuss the results of joint work, make suggestions and point out mistakes. Even the most senior leaders do not make important decisions alone. Because they know that every person makes mistakes.

Learn to be calm about your mistakes and shortcomings. No matter how hard you try to do something, no matter how ambitious goals you set for yourself, no matter how reverently you treat your tasks, there will always be room for error and imperfection. We are all human and we are all limited by our knowledge, experience, and beliefs. And the more we think about being perfect, the further we push perfection away from ourselves! What we fear eventually becomes our reality! By rejecting criticism, by rejecting everything that does not correspond to our idealized ideas about ourselves, about our work, we refuse to learn. We refuse to become better. We refuse to move towards perfection. The resilience of our illusions and shaky ideas about ourselves becomes more important to us than any development.

I will talk about how destructive these attitudes can be in the next paragraph, giving an example from life.

How to learn to distinguish subjective comments from constructive ones?

The basis of learning to respond to criticism correctly is the ability to distinguish constructive comments from statements of private opinion. Accordingly, in order to adequately perceive critical cues, you need to master the art of recognizing the sub- and objective.

How to do it? Observing, analyzing and checking. For example, if a person makes comments only to one person, it is quite possible that he is biased or, on the contrary, wants to help. If a person gives advice to everyone around him, then criticism is simply a trait of his character.

You should carefully analyze the criticism you hear and relate it to your own vision. It is possible that outside advice will be useful in this regard. And, of course, it is necessary to check what you hear. For example, if a woman is told that her makeup is too bright, she should not immediately classify the criticism as expressing a subjective opinion; she needs to look in the mirror. It is quite possible that the person who made the remark is right.

It is impossible to learn to distinguish constructive criticism from subjective criticism intuitively; you always need to check what you hear. Of course, if we are not talking about things that, in principle, do not imply an adequate attitude.

Rule 12 - Don't get involved in pointless arguments

Try to listen to criticism if it is reasonable, and simply ignore it if it is not true. This will save you time and nerves. In my article “how to stop arguing” I wrote the following. When a person argues, his mind is completely focused on attacking his opponent or defending his own point of view. He is not interested in the truth, he either defends himself or attacks, being unable to understand and perceive. This prevents you from benefiting from criticism and improving, and also gives rise to many unpleasant emotions.

Of course, meaningless disputes should be avoided, but this does not mean that in situations where the public is waiting for your answer, you should silently accept any, even the most unfair criticism. Sometimes you still need to pay attention to the shortcomings of criticism or its inconsistency with its subject.

What will help you deal with comments calmly?

A nervous and painful reaction to comments is characteristic only of people who are insecure. Without a doubt, absolutely everyone perceives criticism as a threat, an attack, an attack. But only those whose self-esteem is close to zero worry for a long time because of what they hear.

Accordingly, gaining self-confidence can help in forming an adequate attitude to comments. You can raise your self-esteem by finding something to do that no one is better at. For example, if a person knows how to amuse and organize others, then he may well take on the responsibility of hosting a corporate evening. Of course, success at the holiday will not eliminate the likelihood of criticism from the boss during working hours, but it will certainly change the attitude towards it.

Psychologists recommend doing auto-training. The ability to switch from one task to another and relax is also important. For example, if a person’s work is criticized, but he sees no reason for criticism, then he should interrupt the current activity, switch to something else, or simply relax. Having reviewed the criticized work after some time, you can notice something that escaped attention immediately.

Criticism is a part of our life, which cannot be avoided either in work or in relationships with people. But that doesn't make it any less unpleasant. In essence, we are biologically programmed to perceive criticism as a serious stressor.

“Criticism usually hurts a person. It affects one of our basic feelings - shame,” explains psychologist and executive director of Sveapsykologerna David Waskuri.

“We feel shame when we realize that we have made a mistake or that there is something wrong with us. Shame is also needed to help a person develop behavior that will prevent him from becoming an outcast. That is, functional shame is good, because it prevents us from being alone,” Vaskuri adds.

Essentially, we are talking about survival: before, a person was dependent on his “pack” and could not live without it. In other words, it's not strange that criticism hurts so much.

Why does criticism hurt so much for some?

How well we handle criticism or how hard we take it depends on a number of factors, Vaskuri notes.

Dagens Nyheter 09/16/2021 Ilta-Sanomat 06/19/2021 Iltalehti.fi 06/05/2021 Helsingin Sanomat 06/03/2021

“Some are more vulnerable to criticism than others. Some people even perceive as criticism what is not criticism. It depends on the person's past experience. An emotionally stable person probably doesn't take criticism as hard, but someone with low self-esteem or someone who has been criticized a lot in the past takes it to heart. Momentary circumstances are also important: if you are hungry, haven’t gotten enough sleep or feel insecure, criticism will hurt you more.”

For people who care deeply about the opinions of others and who prefer to do everything according to the rules, criticism hits the hardest.

There are a number of benefits to learning to calmly accept criticism. A constructive response to critical comments allows you to learn something new about yourself, develop and become better. But at the same time, it is important to defend personal boundaries and distinguish constructive criticism from rudeness, especially if you are easily offended.

David Vaskuri shared with Expressen his best tips for not worrying too much about criticism.

Stop speculating

When a colleague asked how I was doing with the report, there was dissatisfaction in his voice. He is angry that I have dug in, and is sure that I am working poorly and too slowly. He thinks that I shouldn’t have been hired for this job at all, because I’m of no use.

The brain is a strange thing, it is always trying to explain what is happening in the world and draw conclusions from every smallest detail. In the example above, the person decided that he was being criticized based on his tone of voice. But is this criticism?

“The brain makes up stories. Someone glanced at you - and now you are looking for a special meaning in this and wondering what this glance meant. But we don't know what a person is thinking about. In psychology, this trap of the mind is called conjecture: a person imagines that he understands the train of thoughts of others, although he has no evidence of his own rightness. - says David Vaskuri. - Here you need to stop perceiving your own thoughts as a fact. Do I have proof? Do I know for sure that everything is exactly like this? Call a spade a spade: I am speculating. Instead, focus on what is happening in the present moment.”

Maybe the colleague did not deliberately speak in a dissatisfied tone? Or was the cause of the dissatisfaction something completely different, and not your report at all? Or perhaps your colleague is worried about this report and believes that you could have done a better job, but this does not mean that he has a bad opinion of you in principle or is convinced that you are doing a bad job.

Analyze the situation

Situational analysis is another common method of cognitive behavioral therapy, and it can be very useful for those who want to learn how to deal with criticism in a healthy way.

“You analyze what exactly is causing the discomfort, what thoughts and feelings arise, how your body responds, how you react and what the consequences are.”

A situational analysis can be carried out by mentally going through the following list.

Situation. A colleague looked over my shoulder and reminded me that the report I was working on was due after lunch. He said it seemed like things were going slowly for me.

What did I think. His voice sounds like he's unhappy. He was definitely angry with me. He thinks I'm no good. He definitely thinks that I’m letting everyone down and shouldn’t be working here at all. I take this as an attack on myself personally.

What I felt. Fear, shame, anger, stress.

Physiological manifestations. My chest feels tight, I feel hot, my face turns red.

Reaction. I take the question with hostility, snapping that everything will be ready soon, instead of asking for help with the part in which I am swimming.

Short term consequences. A sharp answer provides me with a short-term release, giving me an outlet for my anger.

Long-term consequences. It's hard for me to ask for help, I get nervous, I feel like I can't cope. When I think about a relationship with a colleague, I feel cold inside. Low self-esteem. The colleague may be hesitant to offer constructive criticism, so I miss an opportunity for development.

When a person monitors his reactions and understands the potential consequences, he can try to act differently without being led by emotions. The short-term consequences of the reactions in the example above may seem positive, but in the long run they only make the situation worse. If the hero of our story had not snapped, but had thanked his colleague for the offered help, even though he was initially cold with shame and overcome with negative thoughts, the consequences could have been positive in both the short and long term.

Try to understand criticism

In such situations, the predominant emotion is usually shame. But we must remember that the critic most often does not wish you harm.

“Feedback is when the world gives you information about yourself that can be useful,” explains David Vaskuri.

The New Yorker 05/20/2021 Helsingin Sanomat 05/06/2021 Helsingin Sanomat 05/04/2021 ABC.es 04/03/2021

You take constructive criticism with curiosity, it can even be exciting. It helps you see qualities in yourself that you have never thought about, and it gives you the opportunity to learn something new, if only you are able to listen to it without becoming defensive.

“People behave differently when they are ashamed. Some experience everything within themselves, others reject it. If you perceive criticism aggressively, you must try to stop yourself and not make hasty conclusions without listening to the end. Ask clarifying questions in order to understand everything well, and try to track your feelings at this moment, “breathe” them. There may be discomfort, but this is normal. Once you have mastered this task, you will be able to accept criticism. It is not very pleasant to listen to her, but it is possible that she is justified. Or is the criticism groundless? Then we can declare it.”

Worry less about what others think

To be able to listen to criticism means to be able to perceive it and respond constructively to it, as well as to distinguish between its different types. You don't have to agree with her. Someone else's opinion does not always correspond to the real state of affairs or should become a guide to action. Sometimes, at first glance, a constructive assessment is just unnecessary criticism or simply rudeness.

“Everyone has their own truth. If you're being bullied, ask yourself if it's fair. Sometimes the answer is obvious, sometimes it is not. If a critic is a real perfectionist compared to those around him, then perhaps you shouldn’t take his words too to heart,” assures David Vaskuri.

It is important to remember that criticism sometimes says more about the person who utters it than about the person to whom it is intended. Perhaps the critic himself feels insecure and wants to assert himself by putting others down, or he is simply in a bad mood and expressed himself rudely, although in fact he does not think so and would not say so in other circumstances.

“We are all guided by rules of life based on basic ideas about ourselves and the world around us. If one of your core principles is “I'm no good,” and one of your main rules is “But if I'm a nice person, it won't be that bad,” you're likely to take criticism about your inappropriate behavior especially hard. in relation to others, and exaggerate its importance. If you have social anxiety and always want to do the right thing, you might want to learn to worry less about criticism and even practice being a little different.”

InoSMI materials contain assessments exclusively of foreign media and do not reflect the position of the InoSMI editorial staff.