Long distance relationships. 25 tips from a psychologist

You don’t want to part with your beloved and close person even for a minute. It’s so great to spend all the time together - waking up and falling asleep together, going shopping, spending the weekend, planning a vacation. But what if, for some reason, one of you needs to go to another city and a long separation awaits you? Or maybe your relationship is just beginning, but you are separated by hundreds or even thousands of kilometers? Is a long-distance relationship possible and how to maintain sincerity and trust?

Very often, due to life circumstances, people have to build relationships at a distance. The crazy pace of life is to blame, but all kinds of communication means and modern messengers become salvation in this situation. But sooner or later, couples are faced with the question: is love at a distance possible in principle? In long-distance relationships, there is a main rule - the outcome depends only on you.

The meaning of long distance relationships

Long-distance relationships are always a choice between two people. If you are soon going to travel to different cities or countries, then you need to decide for yourself whether you need a long-distance relationship. Not every person is ready to remain faithful for a long time and wait several months for his partner. Several factors influence this decision:

Duration of relationship
Affection and strength of feelings
Joint children, life and property
Future plans
Duration of separation

If partners have known each other for a long time and have something in common, then it is likely that they can agree to a long-distance relationship.

For those who have been living together for a long time, separation will not bring negative results. If a person loves and believes in the love of a partner, separation will be a useful test. You can feel a stronger attachment and understand whether it really is love.

If you met online but have never met before, then a long-distance relationship can become a big problem. After all, the more people communicate online, the more they fall in love with a virtual image. People on the Internet find it much easier to flirt, fall in love, and be romantic (some seem to be ideals without downsides).

After a long-distance relationship, it can be easy to become disillusioned with reality. Therefore, psychologists advise that before starting a long-distance relationship, see each other and spend at least a short time together.

Therefore, for some, the meaning of a long-distance relationship is to test and test their feelings for strength; for others it is an attempt to find the ideal partner.

Don't communicate on the Internet

Breaking up this relationship doesn't end with just stopping the phone calls, text messages, and emails. You should also take care to stop communicating with your ex on Facebook, VKontakte and other social networks. Remove him/her from your friends list and clean up your photos together. Even a small mistake can send mixed signals to your ex. For example, you see a cute love quote on your Facebook feed and you immediately click “Like” without even noticing that it was actually your ex-partner who posted it. This could be a catastrophic mistake. Because it will make him/her think that you have changed your mind. Therefore, be sure to cut off all contacts. Including on social networks.

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Pros of long distance relationships

Not every person can list the advantages of long-distance relationships. To avoid getting too upset about your husband's shift, read the following facts:

You can be alone with yourself. Yes, it’s great to come to an apartment every evening where your loved one is waiting for you. However, men, unlike women, understand how valuable loneliness is. You must learn to understand yourself while the man is working. You shouldn’t bother him with your calls and messages all day while he’s busy. It is better to spend this time thinking or pursuing a hobby. Learn to be alone with yourself. If you succeed, then you will begin to understand your young man even better.
For men, long-distance relationships are an opportunity to test their word. If you have said that you will be faithful, then do not give in to temptation and do not look to the left. Be a man and keep your promise
Of course, a short separation is an opportunity to make sure that you have chosen your person and are ready to live with him for many more years
For many, long-distance relationships, on the contrary, bring them closer together. People become more sensitive and begin to value their feelings and their partner. Pay more attention and talk about what was not customary to discuss before separation (for example, arranging a wedding, joint plans, children, etc.)
If you need to leave for work, then you can earn more or succeed in self-realization (if you are moving to Moscow to earn money, be sure to read: “How to live in Moscow”)
Separation will help partners go through hardening themselves and their feelings. If you pass this test, you will be able to overcome all adversity in the future and not break up because of nonsense

In this way, long-distance relationships can be beneficial. If you are about to start a long-distance relationship, then do not think only about the bad, think about the good.

Voice your problems and try to find a solution

It is unfair of you if you break up with your partner without expressing your concerns about your relationship. Let your girlfriend or boyfriend know what's bothering you. In addition, think together if there is a solution to these problems. Perhaps things can still be fixed and you can feel love again and be together.

For example, if you think your boyfriend doesn't love you anymore, then say how you feel. Wait a few days or even weeks to give him a chance to express himself. For the sake of your relationship, you owe it to your partner to make amends.

Cons of long distance relationships

Every person knows the disadvantages of long-distance relationships. Starting from mistrust, ending with betrayal and loss of feelings on someone’s part. Still, we list the most famous disadvantages:

Lack of attention, communication, love and affection (especially from the girl). Many young people want to constantly be in touch with their loved ones and hear words of love from them. However, if the guy went to work, then he physically cannot be on the line all the time. After all, he works almost 24 hours a day
Mistrust. If mistrust appears in a relationship, then this is a huge step towards separation.
Control. This is the second step to separation, which begins with distrust. Even in life together, mistrust and control causes negativity, and at a distance this can quickly kill all feelings
New friends and acquaintances help you forget your past. If new emotions and pleasant people appear, then over time you may not return to your old life. So new feelings take the place of old feelings
As a result, if you do not pay attention to long-distance relationships, betrayal and breakup may occur.

As you can see, all the disadvantages of long-distance relationships are interconnected. They are only stages in the development of alienation, distance from each other. Therefore, if you interrupt the beginning of negativity in a relationship, then you don’t have to be afraid of betrayal and deception at all. Try to trust and respect your partner.

Write a long emotional letter as a continuation of your call

The next step to breaking up long distance is to pour out your feelings and emotions after the conversation and explain why you took this step. Here are a few things you should keep in mind when writing your letter.

Explain that you both have been unable to find answers to the problems in your relationship;
Write what really bothered you;
Explain that this was one of the most difficult decisions of your life;
Tell your partner that you will always cherish the memories of your relationship;
Be direct and choose your words carefully. Keep your sentences short so as not to leave room for misunderstandings. Conclude the letter by clearly stating that your decision to terminate is final.

Long distance relationships. 25 tips from a psychologist

Maintaining a long-distance relationship requires a lot of effort and patience. Psychologists say that not all people are ready for long-distance relationships. There are two opposing types of people who may behave differently when separated from their partner.

The first type of people can be called reliable. They remain true to their choice and word. They are disgusted to even think about treason and do not allow thoughts of jealousy. Such people are self-sufficient and self-confident. From such people you can hear: “I myself don’t know how to cheat and I don’t intend to, but there is no reason for me to cheat.”

To find out if your partner is thinking this way, look at how he spends time alone. If in his free time he works, is busy with a hobby or his passion, then he is an integral person who does not need anyone’s attention and support.

The second type of people is anxious and requires constant attention to their person. Such people cannot withstand even a short-term ignore, they begin to suspect their partner of cheating and begin to come up with different scenes in their heads. People of this type most often begin to cheat or look for backup options for a possible separation in advance. They do not understand that they will not be able to withstand loneliness for very long, so they are afraid to be alone.

Determine for yourself what type you are and decide whether to start a long-distance relationship.

Should you start a long distance relationship?

To decide whether to start a long-distance relationship, you need to make your choice, and then listen to your partner's choice. You may not always hear the expected answer. Very often people face their partner's fears. However, 3.7% of people in Russia have long-distance relationships. In the US, this number is even higher - 4.3%.

How do they manage to stay “together”? According to modern research, if at least 1 person in a couple belongs to the “reliable” type, then the relationship has a chance of success. However, if both partners are jealous, hot-tempered, anxious, etc., then separation is doomed.

Everything can change, only if there is a desire between two people to keep the relationship at a distance, they can change their behavior and thoughts.

Is it worth starting a long-distance relationship? This is a question that each person must answer independently. Learn to hear your partner and support each other, then you have a chance to maintain your connection and feelings. A long-distance relationship is a serious step, so talk to your loved one and discuss all your fears and worries in advance.

How to maintain a long distance relationship

So, if you have already started a long-distance relationship, then you need to maintain interest in each other and try not to get discouraged.

Psychologists say that the most important mistake in long-distance relationships is the loss of interest in your life. You should not forget that while your partner is not around, you can devote even more time to yourself. Then it will be interesting to communicate with you every day, learn something new, etc. For example, you can go to university, enroll in a class, find a job.

Let's list important tips from a psychologist:

Try to communicate more often. Set up your schedule so that you can call your loved one every day. For example, at a certain time in the morning or evening. Don't forget about video calling and try to use it when communicating, not your phone. Also use correspondence and chat if you live in different time zones. For example, you are already at work, and the guy is just waking up, write him good morning wishes. This way, he will immediately start his day thinking about you. In response, expect the first good night wish. Such favors become very valuable at a distance.
Take care of free communication. Use free WI-FI to communicate on social networks
Send photos of your face often. After a short time, our brain stops remembering the details of a loved one's face. And then he forgets them completely. To avoid being forgotten, try to remind yourself more often.
Send each other gifts. They can be ordered immediately and delivered to your address. What to give a guy was discussed in the previous article
Send letters via mail. Sometimes a handwritten letter is more important than thousands of messages on social networks
Don't make someone jealous
Support the person with kind words: I believe in you, I love you, we can handle this, you will succeed, you’re great, etc.
Share your successes
Try to take up hobbies in your free time so as not to occupy your head with fears and worries
Before separation, give each other something with your own scent. This will help you remember faster and more colorfully, and experience the feeling that you are close again. Our nose and sense of smell are the best way to recall memories.
Don't forget about the sexual side of relationships. Discuss in advance how you will maintain intimacy

So, all this will help you maintain your long distance relationship. However, remember that long-distance relationships always complicate problems, quarrels and resentments. Therefore, always watch your words and treat each other with care. If you feel like you've started to lose touch and become distant, then read on to learn how to maintain a long-distance relationship.

How to save a long distance relationship

It is possible to maintain a relationship at a distance, even if you yourself feel that you have lost interest in the person. To do this, you need to use the following recommendations from a psychologist:

Meet as soon as possible. Research conducted in recent years suggests that long-distance relationships can last up to 3 years, but no more. Therefore, if your separation period is already close to the third anniversary, then think about living together
If you have the choice of meeting 3 times a month for 2-3 days or once every six months, but for a week, then it is better to choose the first option. The more often you are close, the better you will remember each other, the smell of your loved one and pleasant moments. In addition, sex and hugs release the hormone oxytocin, the bonding hormone.
You can save long-distance relationships through communication. It is enough just to stop swearing and become more affectionate. A kind word will help melt the ice in your heart. Remember “your” phrases, “your” song, or some incident from the beginning of a relationship. Sometimes nostalgia works best
Give the person complete freedom. If you have already made a mistake and began to control your partner, demand constant calls, photographs and excuses from him, then give him complete freedom of choice. Now he is angry with you, but if he feels that he has the right to decide for himself, he will most likely understand you and return to his old feelings
Understand yourself. If you're feeling negative in a long-distance relationship, it might just be your problem. Visit a psychologist and ask for help
Start keeping a diary so that you can pour out all negative emotions in a notebook and not on a person.
Set up a neutral meeting place if you live in different countries. Or fly to each other in turns so that no one is offended that he is the only one wasting time and energy
Don't blame a person for working. Firstly, it’s stupid, and secondly, it’s better not to exhaust your partner with constant reproaches
If you suspect your partner of cheating, then try to distance yourself from him. Over time you will find out for yourself whether this is true or not.
If you bombard your partner with messages all day long, then stop doing this and take a break. Don't write to him for 2-3 days and wait for him to write first. Try not to be intrusive or annoying with messages.
Limit your interactions with people who put pressure on you. If your parents or close friends advise you to leave a long-distance relationship, then ask them not to meddle in your personal life
In general, share less information from your personal life with others
Make a calendar with your own hands, in which you will cross out the days until you meet your loved one again
If your partner has financial problems, then help him purchase a ticket, do not refuse the meeting. Read the article “Student discounts on railway tickets”, it will be useful to all students

So, if you use these tips, you will be able to save your long distance relationship. Remember the most important thing: do not waste your nerves and time on imagination and unnecessary worries.

We gave each other personal space, even when we were thousands of kilometers away.

In any relationship, you are always working to be closer, but that doesn't mean you have to control each other's every move. Your partner will have friends you don't know, and that's okay. He will go to bars, watch movies and do much more without you. And this is also normal, you need to do the same, so as not to turn your personal time into flour, but to start enjoying it.

Real Life Examples: Long Distance Relationships

Let's look at real-life examples of how people went through long-distance relationships:

Julia and Daniil, 30 and 32 years old. Yulia says: “We met on the Internet, using a dating site. The first three months we simply corresponded, and then we met in Moscow. I came on vacation with my girlfriends after the 1st year at KSU, and Danil just came to me. He lived then in St. Petersburg. A week later he invited me to visit him. I lived in St. Petersburg until the end of the summer. Then we also saw each other during the holidays. More often, of course, I came because he had work, and in February and June, I already flew away from Kazan. After university, I finally packed my things and moved for good, and we’ve been living together for 6 years now.”

Pavel, 26 years old: “Quite recently my relationship with a girl from Spain ended. She lived there with her parents. We met in an online game and started texting. We had a long-distance relationship for 2 years, and then she asked me to come to her. I needed money, a passport, a visa. All this was not easy to get. I moved to Moscow to earn money and get a visa faster, but she didn’t wait anymore after 2.5 years of waiting. In principle, she can be understood, so I’m not even offended. We parted easily and without hard feelings.”

Christina and Ilnur, 22 and 23 years old. Christina says: we started dating when I was 17 years old. This is probably love at first sight. We were together all the time while we were studying. When we graduated from university, we had to solve the problem with work. As a result, Ilnur was offered a job with a good salary on a rotational basis for 2 working months with 1 day off. This is the second time he has gone on shift, but now he promises that he will not go again. The money from this salary will be enough for him to get back on his feet and find a new job in his hometown for some time. In the meantime, I’m working in a candy store and I’m looking forward to it. We communicate every day by phone, although the connection in the north is poor and doesn’t work everywhere, but he tries to find places. It’s a pity that photos cannot be sent.”

So, now you can draw a conclusion for yourself based on these examples. As you can see, long-distance relationships do not always have a sad ending. Try to think positive and take care of your feelings. Then you will succeed.

How to move on to intimate conversations in correspondence

Start with daring games:

— to undress with the camera on or with sending a photo;

- guess the body part;

- guess what I'm thinking about.

Ask frank questions to the girl casually or in an appropriate setting in the evening.
Send a dirty article or interesting news and discuss your impressions, find out her opinion.
Watch movies with 18+ scenes. And since you watch them while talking, you can add comments or after the film tell how you would do the same with her.
Find out how she likes to be caressed. Rough? Gently? Where? In the dark or in the light?
Send exciting SMS to the girl.
Ask if she would like to try sex on Skype (webcam), over the phone, sexting?

I'll probably stop there for now. Finally, I’ll give you one more important piece of advice: