Were you taught as a child how to become a good girl? Surely they said that you need to study diligently, not argue with your elders, and always give in? And it seems like some good advice. But how did all this “backfire” in adult life? It is very difficult to say “no”, to defend personal boundaries, and you have to put up with disrespect. Problems familiar? Let's deal with them.
Where does the “good girl syndrome” come from?
The root cause lies in upbringing. Parents always tell their daughters that they need to be more modest and behave with dignity. At the same time, higher demands are placed on a girl, while a boy can be forgiven for noisy games, pranks, and daring actions. After all, this is a future man.
But women's purpose, according to caring adults, is obedience and problem-free. The task of a decent girl is to create home comfort and smooth out rough edges. So sometimes you have to sacrifice your desires for the sake of goodness and peace in the family. In a word, be comfortable for everyone, but uncomfortable for yourself.
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The sleep of reason, multiplied by the lack of experience, gives birth to monsters. Girls who have been unsuccessfully racing for a permanent relationship for many years often seem ready to do anything for the sake of this relationship, including wearing a collar with the sign “Property of so-and-so” and a Saturday educational spanking. Given the irreconcilable contradiction between postmodernism and permanence, it is not surprising that “50 Shades of Gray” is becoming a women's reference book.
But personally, I don’t mind - as long as it’s for pleasure and benefit. And especially if you don’t mix sexual entertainment like BDSM with dull “real life.” That is, if you don’t think that these entertainments will solve anything.
Because as soon as they get into this very relationship, an incident happens. Despite all the vows, they become wildly disobedient.
Signs of a “comfortable” woman
- Low self-esteem.
When a woman does not know how to love herself and accept herself as she is. She definitely needs outside approval. For example, you work well and achieve good results. But your husband is sure that you are doing nonsense. And you believe him, not your achievements. - The desire to live like everyone else.
Finish school with excellent marks, go to the university that your parents advised, get married because it’s time. All these are consequences of the good girl complex. She does not live by her own goals and needs, but acts the same as a friend, sister, mother. Well, even if your family life doesn’t work out and you don’t like your profession. The main thing is that everyone does it. - Inability to defend your opinion.
Such people are afraid to enter into conflicts and do not get involved in any disputes. If the husband said that it is better to buy a new car than to invest in apartment renovation, then so be it. After all, an “obedient girl” knows that the ability to agree with a man is the key to a happy family life. She’s not some kind of bitch to contradict her husband. - Inability to change.
Conservatism is another clear sign of the “goodness” syndrome. Surely you know such women - from among your former classmates, for example. They say about them: “Svetka has not changed at all.” And it is true. Such girls are afraid to change habits and beliefs that make them unhappy. They don't develop. We have never even experimented with hairstyles in our lives. - Guilt.
Whatever happens, a diligent woman blames herself. Did a deal with a profitable partner fall through at work? So it was she who didn’t work on the presentation properly. The man you love is out of sorts and shouts? It’s her own fault—she shouldn’t have loomed in front of him. Is your mom sick? And here the woman will torture herself - she did not pay enough attention to her mother. And so on ad infinitum.
If you recognize yourself in at least two points, you should probably rethink your behavior and start living not to please others, but the way you want.
Why is it dangerous to be good to everyone?
The desire to please everyone sometimes plays a cruel joke. Good girls have to suffer for their mercy throughout their lives.
- Building a loving relationship with a good girl is difficult. Next to her, the partner feels like a tyrant. The good girl endures everything, practically does not object in an argument, hides her feelings under a mask. It is difficult to understand her; a loved one is tormented by a feeling of guilt. Against this background, discord is possible, the man will leave for another woman, more genuine in terms of emotions.
- If a diligent girl becomes a mother, her children run away from her because of a sense of eternal duty, or sit on her neck all their lives.
- Such a woman’s girlfriends and friends are not real. They ignore her feelings because they don't matter to her.
The biggest disadvantage of a good girl is that she comes to the aid of everyone, but few people come to her. Often, merciful women are taken advantage of by those around them, bringing them suffering. A victim complex is formed, the girl unwittingly “invites” her offender to conflict. Good girls act on aggressive people like a red rag to a bull. They often marry poor men: alcoholics, drug addicts, sadists. “The road to hell is paved with good intentions” - this proverb clearly illustrates the life of a good girl.
How to stop being a “good girl”?
- Recognize the problem.
The most important rule. Many people are afraid to admit to themselves that something is wrong with them. Again, the notorious “what others will say” takes over. And if you don’t get away from this attitude, nothing will work out. It is very difficult to take the path of change, I understand. And also be prepared for the fact that as soon as you stop being good and comfortable, a wave of negativity will rush in your direction. - Love yourself.
Nobody says you have to become selfish. It’s just time for you to learn to take care not only of others, but also of yourself. Think about how to get rid of the “Cinderella syndrome”. For example, instead of spending your entire Saturday cooking and cleaning, go for a massage or just spend a couple of hours reading. Start with small steps and you will feel your inner child rejoice. After all, he is being slowly pampered. - Accept yourself.
Stop beating yourself up and trying to be perfect. A completely empty idea. Your value lies in the fact that you are already a unique person, with your own strengths and weaknesses. Instead of chasing impossible dreams, live in the here and now. Enjoy warm sunny days, your favorite activities, and aromatic coffee in the morning. Enjoy yourself without looking at others. - Don't be afraid of change.
They are inevitable if you work on yourself. Perhaps the familiar environment will change. You will finally understand that you deserve the best and have the right to choose. You will feel that your previous attitudes are destroying you from the inside and you yourself will want to get away from them. You will listen to yourself and do what you want, not others. Yes, this is a difficult path, but very interesting.
Don't wait for Monday or New Year. Right now, write a list of what’s bothering you and what you want to achieve by ceasing to be a “good girl.” For inspiration, welcome to the Pavel Rakov Training Center. For example, in the online course “The Art of Female Flirting” you will learn how to become more confident, relaxed, love yourself and, of course, find love or increase it.
Girls, it’s interesting to know your opinion. Do you need to be good and flexible, or is it sometimes worth showing your claws?
So what should we do?
After analyzing your character, you should take action. The following tips will help you cope with the desire to please everyone. If you are unable to carry out psychological work on yourself on your own, you should contact a psychoanalyst.
- Don't make your bed in the morning. It’s difficult for a diligent girl to do this, but it’s necessary. A little clutter will do the trick.
- Make a collage of wishes. You can cut out pictures from magazines depicting your goals. It could be a car, a man, a new house, a child, an animal. Glue these pictures onto a large sheet of paper. If you don’t have magazines at home, make a collage on your computer using pictures from the Internet and print it on a color printer. This manipulation will help you believe in yourself and hear your desires. To increase the likelihood of turning your goals into reality, you should visualize them before going to bed.
- Learn to say no to people. You should start with those who are not close to you. Colleagues who regularly try to sit on their necks, giving away their work. You don’t have to be rude right away; you can refuse correctly. You shouldn't pay attention to people's reactions.
- Consciously make mistakes. You can go to bed later, take a personal vacation, go out to a restaurant with friends until the morning, even have a drink. It is important not to overdo it, so that later you will not be ashamed of your behavior.
- Experiments with appearance. Psychologists advise changing your image. This is a small step towards getting rid of the good girl image. You can dye your hair the color you like or get a haircut. Experimenting with clothing will also be beneficial. Change the classic, strict style to sport-chic, wear more sneakers and sneakers. Desperate women can wear thongs to the beach.
- Change your facial expression. You don't have to smile all the time when you don't want to. Don’t be embarrassed to walk around with a sad face if your soul is truly not happy.
- At work, be sure to talk about your ambitions and desires to management and colleagues. You need to indicate your preferences, be active and do not hesitate to discuss work issues. When a job is not to your liking and has turned into hard labor, you should change it. There is no need to hide your intentions from loved ones, but ask them for support.
- In relationships with friends and loved ones, you cannot harbor resentment. It is important to express dissatisfaction, but correctly. It doesn’t hurt to defend your opinion in a dispute. A heart-to-heart conversation is always better than keeping problems silent.
It’s worth considering that not everyone will like it when a good girl suddenly stops being comfortable. But this is not a reason to continue to allow your feet to be wiped on you, but a signal of the need to reconsider your surroundings. It is important not to be afraid of being left without friends. If a once close friend stopped communicating after being denied something, this is for the good. After a couple of months, your social circle will change, only real friends will remain in it, and not fake and selfish pseudo-friends.
Advice! If possible, you should buy yourself new clothes, cosmetics, shoes or accessories. Shopping always improves your mood and self-esteem. If you wish, you can go to a salon and get your nails done or your hair done.
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Remember a cat, mad with a thirst for murder, which sneaks up on an innocent, unsuspecting bird, which jumps here and there, pecking its grains. The evil predator merges with the landscape, silently creeps along the grass, she seems motionless like a scarecrow and at the same time moves forward, full of amazing life. The infernal concentration of the insidious beast is so perfect that if someone were now sneaking up on him with a club or a spear, he would not even notice. Oh, the lengths this soft and fluffy feline will go to for its prey!
But when the matter is over, the life of the beautiful birdie is rudely cut short, and the cat, purring and shaking its eared and fanged head, tears at her skin and feathers... where did her synchronicity with the landscape go? She's gone. The vile carnivorous instinct is satisfied - the turn of gluttony has come, washing the face with a paw, licking the undertail and then sleep, not clouded by any pangs of conscience - since cats, as scientifically proven, do not have a conscience.
In the same way, our girl, who was ready for “anything” before the start of the relationship, having become a queen, now wants something completely different. And only the fear that begins to crawl like wet algae over her body, burned by solarium lamps, with every thought that the prince, found with such difficulty, will stupidly abandon her - like throwing an empty bag of chips into the trash can, which cracks, sticks together and crunches in protest , but no one pays attention to this - only this fear makes her humble.
She thought, stupid, that obedience was a catchy sexual game between gifts, congratulations on the eighth of March and the registry office door! But it turned out that it was something more. And this, it seems, must be done! Otherwise you'll end up with nothing. But I don’t want to do this!
Risk group
This complex is more pronounced in women, but it does not bypass men either. A “good boy” often grows up thanks to the upbringing of an authoritarian mother. In adult life, such a man constantly seeks the approval of women; he strives to do the right thing, to be good for everyone, even if this contradicts his principles. The good boy complex is a problem that can significantly ruin a man’s life.
A man loses his temperament, he is uncomfortable in male company, he will prefer to communicate in female society. These are men who allow the woman to take over in the relationship, abdicating all responsibility for making any decisions. They are afraid of quarrels and conflict situations, because this will cause them to lose their dignity in the eyes of others.
Causes of the syndrome
The complex is purchased in childhood. Then the child receives attitudes that contribute to the formation of the image of a good girl:
- be modest;
- do not contradict your elders;
- be obedient, polite, etc.
In most cases, the mother is to blame for the formation of this complex. In order to earn her mother’s love and attract her attention, a girl must bring good grades from school, wash the dishes, clean, and only after all this could she hear words of praise addressed to her. The girl has a firmly rooted belief: in order to be loved, you need to be good, give people what they expect from you, forgetting about your feelings and needs. The girl takes this childhood model of behavior with her into adulthood: she strives to please everyone, in return to receive care and attention, and the approval of others. Your own choices, values, and desires fade into the background.
The need to do something to be loved is one of the signs of the syndrome
Features of education
The position of modern women is different from what it was at the beginning of the last century. Representatives of the fair sex received freedom, which is good news, but at the same time the lion's share of responsibility was shifted onto their shoulders. In many families, a woman is forced to work full time, cook, keep the house in order, raise children, while remaining affectionate, gentle and ready to listen to her husband. All this is not easy, it takes a lot of strength and energy. Not everyone is capable of such “inconspicuous” everyday feats.
It also happens that a woman decides to focus on her career or education, which makes it impossible to create a full-fledged family.
“Same-sex” education, that is, the same for boys and girls, is not losing ground; in many families one can find a desire from early childhood to teach their daughter to be active, dynamic, to develop in her leadership inclinations, the ability to achieve her own goals, and entrepreneurship. And the role and importance of family values, the ability to run a household and be feminine disappear completely or move into the background. That is why a problem ultimately arises - the girl grows up strong, but completely unprepared for the social role of mother and wife. Nowadays, many families are breaking up because a woman does not have enough time for her husband and children, because family values are much less significant for her than work and career.
To solve the problem, experts advise using a gender approach, that is, developing different qualities in boys and girls. A girl needs to be raised as a girl, and as a certain “boyfriend” in a skirt.
Main Differences
From childhood, children must understand gender role identification:
- The boy is the future man, the head of the family, he will have to do a man's work - planing, making crafts. Therefore, the education of strong-willed qualities, assertiveness, determination, the ability not to give up, and to finish what is started is of great importance.
- The girl is a woman in the future, the mother of the family; housekeeping, cooking, cleaning, and caring for children falls on her shoulders. For her upbringing, the most important thing is to instill family values, a willingness to be affectionate, kind, and gentle.
Parents need to set an example by correctly distributing roles in the family, since it is the model of father and mother that girls often take as a basis. It is important for a daughter to feel the care of her parents, so you should not hide your tenderness for the child for fear of spoiling him; such manifestations are very important.
Gender differences manifest themselves at 2-3 years, it is at this age that a boy understands that he is a boy, and a girl understands that she is a girl. It is from this time that the methods of raising children should be differentiated. At the age of 4-7 years, gender stability is already fully formed. Children play different games and develop different interests.
Raising a girl is not easy, because you have to choose what qualities to instill in her - the desire for success, which is essential in the modern world, or respect for family values, gentleness, tenderness, and femininity. Responsible parents face a difficult task.
Determining your values
Modern adults often faced the problem of a mother who was always missing at work and grew up without her attention, so they are sure that raising a daughter should have a vector of family life. Girls supposedly need to be taught to be faithful wives and loving mothers, everything else is much less significant and will happen by itself. It sounds a little strange, because, at first glance, if a woman focuses on her family, then she will not have a successful career. However, the situation can be viewed from a different angle:
- A girl unhappy in her personal life gradually becomes embittered, aggressive, irritable and petty.
- Few people will want to contact such an unattractive person, so building relationships with colleagues and superiors will not be easy.
- Accordingly, building a career is quite problematic.
Also, some young mothers are annoyed that they are forced to spend time raising a newborn baby rather than achieving career success. Others sacrifice their role as a mother, immerse themselves in work, entrusting the child to grandmothers or nannies, and then wonder why the baby grows up unsociable, withdrawn, and uncommunicative. It is very difficult to find the “golden mean”.
That is why it can be noted that a career to the detriment of the family rarely leads to something good; often the story has a sad ending. If desired, a feminine girl will be able to raise children and work, managing to do both. However, if from childhood you instill in her the desire to be first everywhere, then, coming into conflict with feminine nature itself, this trait will become destructive for the girl.
Psychologist's advice
- From childhood, teach your daughter to work and order.
All this will be useful to her in adult life. You can start with small things - dusting, arranging things in the closet, watering the flowers. The best way is to turn it all into a game or competition with mom.
Then move on to more complex ones: teach the girl how to properly wash dishes, wash clothes, vacuum the floor. Try to ensure that your daughter does not perceive household chores as punishment or does them under pressure.
- Always listen carefully to what your girl tells you.
Women are more emotional creatures than men. It is important for them to share what is bothering them. When a girl is listened to, she feels important, needed and loved.
- It is important for girls to be admired, proud, and set as an example. Women's self-esteem largely depends on the assessment of the people around them. Therefore, celebrate your daughter’s real achievements, praise her for her achievements and do not focus on her failures.
- Neurophysiologists have long proven that girls have much higher developed skin sensitivity than boys. That’s why physical contact is so important for them, especially with loved ones. Hug and kiss your daughters more, it will only benefit them!
- Do not forget to pay attention to the girl’s physical development.
Choose the appropriate type of activity for her. This could be sports or rhythmic gymnastics, dancing, swimming, or athletics.
- Tell your daughter about the rules of safe behavior and how to protect yourself if there is danger. The girl should know that you can come to her aid in any situation, the main thing is not to be afraid to tell everything to mom and dad.
Keep your daughter safe anytime, anywhere. Always know where she is, what is happening around her and receive an instant SOS signal if necessary using the “Where are my children” application.
- Forget about physical punishment and strict educational measures.
Girls are especially sensitive to this. A future woman accustomed to violence will consider it normal in her own family if her husband raises his hand against her.
- If your daughter has committed a bad act, evaluate the act itself, but not her personality. A violent emotional reaction to her parents’ accusation will prevent the girl from realizing where she is wrong.
- Help the little lady realize her own individuality and not conform herself to the supposed standards of girlish beauty that are promoted from TV screens or on the Internet.
- If a girl shows initiative, you shouldn’t cut her down in the bud.
You can’t lay a straw at every step, and your daughter still has a lot to learn on her own. Therefore, encourage her in any attempts to learn and try new things, to cope with difficulties herself and understand the reasons for her mistakes.
Women's nature is multifaceted, so raising a girl (as well as a boy) is not as easy as it seems. Everything you give your girl and teach her should help her become a loving wife, an excellent housewife and a caring mother in the future. Love your daughters, take care of them, but don’t forget to let them go in time!
