Lovely

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When we meet “our” person, we will recognize him out of a thousand - so says the myth about romantic love. Did Romeo and Juliet doubt each other? But in real life, we wonder whether we chose the right person, whether our feelings are real - this is normal and does not always mean that the partner is not suitable for us.

However, if there is too much uncertainty, it interferes with even the most sincere love. Thus, with obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder, a person constantly doubts his partner and tests the relationship in an attempt to gain one hundred percent confidence, but this only increases anxiety, writes clinical psychologist Tatyana Pavlova.

Although relationship OCD is a psychiatric diagnosis, mentally healthy people can also fall into the trap of obsessive uncertainty about their partner. Why do we doubt? And how to deal with this without ruining a worthwhile relationship?

Why do you have doubts in relationships?

A woman is pushed to heavy thoughts by a number of events occurring against the backdrop of her relationship with her partner:

it seems to her that the man does not love her, but whiles away the time next to her, waiting for a magical feeling that will fall on her head;
she sympathizes with her partner, but is not sure that this is love;
annoying habits of a man, which can become destructive for the family;
I'm scared to be alone, but I have no desire to live together for many years.

When a relationship lasts long enough, passionate feelings subside, the naive girl thinks that love has passed, but she is mistaken. This is a common situation. Passion and awe cannot always be at the same level - they are modified into a deep connection based on respect, tenderness, friendship and devotion.

Difficult female choice

Women have doubts about the correctness of their choice, because life often presents more attractive options for wealthy men, with good professions, similar lifestyles and worldviews. But when there is a man and strong feelings for him, is someone else really needed?

Changing sandals and the color of the car is in women's style, but rushing around when choosing a partner is not an option. Women who are confident in their choice and trust their emotions and feelings can be called happy ladies. To get rid of the overwhelming doubts and thoughts that weigh on you every day, you should know how to learn to understand your feelings. More about this below.

What to do if a girl doubts feelings and relationships

When a guy loves, wants a family and children, he does not understand what to do if a girl doubts the relationship, although she makes every effort.

Psychologists recommend the following behavior model:

do not force events;
if questions about the nature of doubts are perceived with hostility by a friend, there is no need to repeat attempts: the girl reacts impulsively, since she herself does not know the answers, she only feels discomfort;
not to control her every step, not to carry out surveillance, in the hope of catching her beloved with another man;
support the girl by temporarily switching to the status of a friend, but meeting regularly, organizing trips to the cinema, theater, and walks, so as not to interrupt communication.

A man needs to solve the problem of his own unfulfilled hopes if the girl wants to finally break off the relationship.

Difficulties of husbands

Do not be offended by your husband if he is unable to help his lady sort out her feelings. Men are much less likely to think about feelings, winding themselves up with various “maybes” and having made a choice, as already mentioned, they are less likely to express feelings, manifesting themselves in actions. The stronger sex is also unable to notice your changes in mood and often does not understand what is happening with their girls.

Be lenient with men, because they are used to going ahead, they act clumsily and clearly. Clarify the reasons for your lack of mood, talk about how you feel right now, and if necessary, do not hesitate to contact family psychologists. Keep and protect your family happiness by any means.

How to overcome doubts in relationships

A doubting girl is a person who cannot make a decision. This situation burdens not only the partner, but also herself. The faster it is determined, the less time and effort will be wasted. Signs of indecision in a relationship are a reason to seek advice from a psychologist.

Gain confidence

Doubts will not disappear if you keep them to yourself - that's what relationships are for. Try:

enter into an open dialogue with your partner, discuss your concerns;
enlist the support of a friend, but his promises must be voluntary, and not received out of pity;
work out ways out of this situation in pairs: plan your free time for relaxation together so that no one can interfere with you;
encourage your partner for his efforts in the fight against your complexes and help him in every possible way.

The main thing is to perceive life realistically and not fantasize negative events that give rise to doubts and uncertainty.

Clear your doubts

It is important to rethink your own reactions to what is happening:

do not accumulate bad thoughts in an incomprehensible situation (why he doesn’t answer the phone, why he agreed to a long business trip) - there is an explanation for everything;
analyze events that cause concern, how often they occur: if this is a system, then doubts are not groundless;
the reason to doubt is supported by facts, and not a figment of the imagination of anxious thoughts.

If your intuition is correct, to continue the relationship you need to accept all the unpleasant moments and not be upset anymore. Otherwise, separation is inevitable.

Think Positively

It is possible to stop destruction by your own thoughts through constant self-control.

Here are some exercises for auto-training:

If you feel insecure about your partner, record this moment.
Spend a few minutes doing breathing exercises - inhale through your nose, exhale through your mouth.
Scroll the thought in your head several times without switching to other topics.

Regular training will help you avoid psychological stress caused by doubts. During this period, it is better not to consult with family and friends on exciting topics: people have different opinions, upon hearing which an insecure person will begin to doubt more than before.

Problem #1. Feelings have cooled

What exactly we feel for our partner depends not only on the strength of love, but also on the stage of the relationship.
At the beginning of falling in love, our levels of sex hormones, stress hormones and the neurotransmitter dopamine increase sharply, and serotonin, on the contrary, decreases - so we do not want to part with our lover even for a minute and constantly think about him. At the same time, the activity of the amygdala and hippocampus decreases, which interferes with critical perception. Then the activity of the logical part of the brain and the level of hormones and neurotransmitters are restored, and oxytocin and vasopressin come into play. If we translate from the language of neuroscience to the language of love, passion is replaced by affection. Now we notice our partner's shortcomings, worry less when he's not around, and pay attention to the attractiveness of other people. The thought arises: has love left the relationship? In fact, the best is just beginning: the body no longer reacts to its partner with increased cortisol and decreased serotonin, and love finally protects against stress rather than causing it. If you are in doubt because the feelings have become less intense, try:

Accept your partner's imperfect side.
Psychologist Joy Davidson explains that at first we idealize a lover - this is a kind of “honeymoon”. When it passes, we discover shortcomings and decide that the person is “wrong,” sometimes unreasonably. The realization that with no partner the “honeymoon” will last forever and no person will be perfect will allow you to build long and close relationships.
Focus on friendship. If passionate love - both the intensity of feelings and sexual activity - can subside over time, then time only strengthens companionate love. Connections based on friendship, comfort, and shared interests last longer and are more satisfying. Companionship and passion are not that far apart—attraction and attachment originate in the same parts of the brain, so stimulating one type of love also activates the other.

Is it worth continuing a relationship if there are doubts?

Breaking a long-term relationship is difficult, but sometimes you have to do it if a girl has doubts about the relationship. Before you slam the door forever, perform one last experiment:

Write a message to your man reflecting all the negative aspects that have been eating you up lately. Pretend that you sent it to the recipient. Think about whether it has become easier or whether you still want to leave.
Offer yourself a pause of a month to six months to make a final decision, and during this time do not load your head with thoughts of a breakup.

If you like your partner alone and in company, it is too early to leave him under the influence of emotions. Reformat the relationship from lovingly enthusiastic to meaningful and do not stop talking to each other so that blank spots of understatement do not appear between you.

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Problem #2. Partner is not perfect

If you've ever used Tinder, you know that you can swipe potential partners endlessly and every time it seems that the next one will definitely be “the one.” Even if you are not a fan of dating and have never used such services, this mindset still affects your relationship - because we live in an era of emotional capitalism and perceive love as an investment that needs to be managed well.

Scientists have found that expectations from marriage are higher than ever, as is dissatisfaction with it, and call this “all or nothing” thinking. It's no wonder that trying to find "the one" person causes anxiety - because we refuse other options, and the choice is still not ideal. Increasingly, we prefer not to make a choice at all - like the engineer from San Francisco who went on 150 dates on Tinder, trying to find “the one”, but never got beyond a couple of dates with any girl.

If you're not sure you've found the best option, try:

Give the relationship six months.
Stracey Wochner, a psychotherapist who treats people with obsessive-compulsive relationship disorder, suggests delaying the decision to end or stay in a relationship for six months—or at least one month if six seems too long. The more we doubt and try to gain confidence, the more confused we become in our feelings, says the psychotherapist. That’s why it’s worth giving yourself time to just meet the person and not think about the solution - as soon as you stop painfully searching for the answer, it will come on its own.
Create common goals.
It is believed that those who have similar habits and interests are happy in love, and their absence leads to the idea that the partner is not suitable for us. In fact, common values and goals are more important: religion and cultural traditions, the desire to raise happy children or save money for a house. “You can work together to set goals for one year, five years, or even 10 or 20 years,” says psychologist Stephanie Sarkis. “Working on something together strengthens your bond.”

In no case

A misconception is the fact that both men and women need a short romance on the side to understand themselves and their feelings. Do not cheat on your partner under any circumstances, because the pain brought by cheating will not only worsen your relationship, but also destroy trust and desire for further life together. Even if the affair once again proves to you that you have feelings, you are unlikely to be able to get rid of the pain and shame.

We hope our article will serve as a compass of emotions for you. “How to sort out your feelings?” - the question is simple, and each of us comes to it sooner or later. You should not be afraid of him, it is very difficult to make the right decision, choosing a person, a companion for the rest of your life, give yourself time to make an informed decision.