Childbirth is stressful for the mother. The rhythm of life, self-awareness and self-perception of a woman changes radically. Hormonal changes are combined with psychological ones, which often results in postpartum depression, during which thoughts about an unwanted child arise. On average, this goes away within a year. But experts cited disappointing statistics: more and more women, even after 5, 7, 10 years, admit that they regret having a child.
Current state of the problem
For the first time, regret about the birth of a child was made public 11 years ago. French psychoanalyst Corinne Mayer described the phenomenon in her book “No Children. 40 reasons not to have a child." The book and the author were subjected to impartial criticism, but, as one would expect, after this women began to confess their thoughts and feelings: some publicly, some anonymously. There were even those who, having been mothers twice or thrice, called what they had done a mistake.
According to German research, 8% of 1,200 women regret having a child. There are no exact data for Russia, but it is known that every year mothers abandon 30–50 thousand children. I dare to suggest that there are even more of those who gave birth and are raising a child, but every day regret their decision.
Future life
Even if the mother fulfills her responsibilities to ensure a normal environment for the child, continuing to consider the child undesirable, she will emotionally distance herself from him and keep him at a distance , depriving him of spiritual support.
Such a deficiency is much worse than the lack of a sufficient amount of vitamins and everyday comfort, since it creates in the child’s soul an understanding of his uselessness even for the person closest to him by blood.
In the future, grown up unwanted children often suffer from:
- Depression.
It is difficult to resist the avalanche of parental dislike, which deprives you of the opportunity to develop emotionally and gain the ability to be human. The eternal feeling of one’s own uselessness can deprive one of the will to live even in a favorable environment that does not require the application of special strength in anything. - Not success. It is mother's love and recognition that most of us need to achieve our goals, to feel inner harmony and our place in this life.
- A lack of spiritual warmth leads to the inability to generate it for others, which is why society receives another individual without a feeling of pity for himself and others.
- Suicidal tendencies . Early isolation from the source of peace of mind deprives the person of the ability not to pay attention to minor everyday adversities, which over time makes it seem to a person that life is a continuous torment and that only an unauthorized exit from existence is the only way to solve the problem.
Such negativity from the mother can be leveled out if the child is lucky and someone appears in his life who wants to become a strong shoulder for the little man and at the same time a guiding star due to the understanding that the child is an innocent being.
Or he himself finds himself in the situation of an exile in a “flock” of his own kind, which is why he is able to understand the horror of a small creature, to whom real or mental messages of his undesirability are rushing from all sides.
Life stories
Women can easily discuss many things related to motherhood, but talking about real feelings and the inability to accept a child is not accepted. Such mothers unite in anonymous groups on the Internet, seek anonymous advice from specialists, or are completely left alone with their problem.
Analysis of their activity on the Internet allows us to draw conclusions about what worries mothers most:
- Late realization of unpreparedness for motherhood. Instead of personally communicating with the children of acquaintances, getting acquainted with books on psychology and physiology of development, studying pregnancy issues, some women follow the “should” stereotype and listen to the advice of friends. And after the birth of a child comes an understanding of the absurdity of the situation, the absurdity of collecting advice. “I didn’t know what I was getting into,” these women say.
- Boredom, dissatisfaction, depression, regret, a feeling of being trapped, fatigue, a desire to take a break from the endless thoughts associated with raising a child, every second responsibility for his life.
- Regret about lost freedom, confidence that life would be happier without children. Fear of missed opportunities.
- Envy of childless friends: they can go on a spontaneous trip, enjoy communication with each other, be alone and think calmly.
- Hatred towards her husband, anger at the fact that he can live his old life, leave home, work, meet friends. Mothers call their lives a miserable existence, and fathers’ everyday life is called a busy life.
- Deep feeling of frustration. The expectation and reality of motherhood often diverge: the child’s gender is wrong, the temperament is wrong, the support of the environment, family, or state is wrong. In general, everything is not as it seemed.
- Feelings of loneliness, pressure and criticism from society. As forum participants note, the mother’s actions are always criticized.
The condition is even more severe for those mothers who gave birth to a child under the influence of their environment, although at first they thought about an abortion, and then were left alone: the baby’s father ran away, their loved ones are busy with their own destinies. This is not just a difficult life situation, but a serious psychological trauma for a woman.
Among them there are those who admit to a selfish or cruel attitude towards the child, harsh upbringing or ignoring his needs. In this case, the child suffers more than the mother. These are dangerous development conditions.
However, most mothers, regretting pregnancy, take care of the child and try to perform their duties well. Some of them even admit years later that they are satisfied with their decision.
I personally know a woman who was not ready for motherhood. After giving birth, she did not feel anything for the child, but thanks to the support of her husband, family, maternity hospital workers and later social workers, the story ended well. Now her daughter is 18 years old, and my friend never tires of repeating the phrase: “Now I have such a girl, wow. I’ll tear anyone for her.” She tells her story with pleasure and ease: from childbirth and the thought “what should I do about this?” to an adult daughter and the belief “I adore her.”
Unwanted children: concept and psychology
If, even before the birth of a child, the mother or father, and in some cases both, would like this pregnancy not to occur, then the born baby can be considered included in the category of unwanted children .
Moreover, if his birth was opposed by the other relatives of the future mother or father, the consequences for the psyche and future fate of the baby are not as severe as in the case of negativity that came directly from the parents or one of them.
What to do if your husband does not help with the child? Advice from psychologists will help you!
What to do
Shame, disappointment, fear, resentment, a feeling of doom, loneliness are a small part of the experiences that accompany regret about the birth of a child. Some call such women heartless, even for one confession of regret they accuse them of cruelty, while others call them unhappy.
I would call these women unprepared for life in the broad sense of the word:
- suggestibility, personal uncertainty, instability;
- lack of understanding of the seriousness of having a child;
- weak ability to adapt to changes;
- lack of psychological flexibility;
- irresponsibility and disorganization;
- ignorance of the approximate future associated with the birth of a child;
- infantilism;
- fear of losing a man, associated low self-esteem and dependence on relationships;
- misunderstanding, ignorance of one’s inner world, one’s characteristics, needs, interests.
The girls did not become like this themselves - these are the consequences of their developmental conditions. The environment was probably unfavorable. But only they have to deal with the consequences.
Recommendations for changing your attitude towards the situation:
- Stop seeing your child as a burden and tormentor. It does what you expect. Yes, there are objective restrictions on independence and freedom, but many mothers know how to do what they love, even with a child. As long as you perceive a child as the end of your life, you are doomed, and no one can help you.
- Find a support group of happy moms. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and discussing the horrors of motherhood, try discussing the possibilities of combining self-development and motherhood. Join new groups on social networks, get out to real meetings with mothers and children. Girls even play sports with their baby, work at home, and devote time to hobbies. It’s just that not everyone knows how to combine it. Don't think about what was or what could be. Your task is to concentrate on the present. Change your social circle, redirect your attention.
- Study child psychology, sign up for courses or consultations with a psychologist. You can find special classes for mothers with children, then you won’t have to think about who to leave the child with. Perhaps you don't feel joy because you don't understand your child. A child is a full-fledged person. He has his own preferences, needs, mental characteristics and temperament. But besides this, there are general principles of child development, knowledge of which simplifies interaction.
- Consider whether your non-acceptance of your child is a projection. For example, the result of not accepting oneself in the present or in childhood. It is possible that the root of the problem is an unfavorable relationship with your mother, her coldness and cruelty, and accusations against you. Or are you angry about a damaged relationship with your husband, but are you sure that the child is to blame? Believe me, he has no intention of harming you. He simply states his needs. Like you, he is not to blame for anything. The answer and the key to change lies only within you. Perhaps it’s a matter of inability to change, adapt, and pacify selfishness.
Regret about motherhood, including as a result of postpartum depression, is a serious problem on which the mental health of a woman, family, and child depends. The condition will not go away on its own; you may need not only full rehabilitation and psychotherapy, but also drug treatment.
But if your condition is not caused by depression, but by deeper problems, then relieving tension, controlling aggression with pills or self-regulation techniques will eliminate the effect, but not the cause. You will relieve pain, but will not relieve inflammation and will not heal the wound. It is more useful to work with the reason.
Influence on fate
Mother's love is able to fill the emotional emptiness surrounding the child, who for some time was “in the status” of being unwanted.
Therefore, if the expectant mother did not take any action to get rid of the fetus: she did not swallow pills, did not try to kill the unborn child with alcohol and cigarettes and it was born normal, there is every chance to cure him of the feeling of his uselessness .
It is enough just to love him and surround him with adequate care.
If the attitude towards an already born little person does not change, then it is difficult to expect that he will grow up happy and adequate.
After all, constant reproaches, restrictions and bullying, a person can be sophisticatedly cruel to those he does not love , can even turn an adult and self-confident subject into a regular client of a psychiatric clinic.
Afterword
If you are experiencing something like this, don't be afraid or hesitate to ask for help. Psychologists are required to maintain confidentiality and treat the client’s problems impartially. A specialist will analyze your specific case, living conditions, prospects and opportunities for solving the problem, and will help you find a way out of a difficult situation.
If you are sure that you will not be able to provide a happy future for your child, it may be worth changing, perhaps you should find a family that is ready to accept a baby - 15% of married couples in Russia cannot, but want to have a child.
Watch a frank interview with one of the girls who was able to cope with the difficulties of pregnancy, her negative emotions and state of despair:
Consequences
If a woman is able to overcome her hostility towards the person within herself, who, in fact, is not to blame either for her own existence or for the unfavorable circumstances of her parents’ lives, she will be able to find solace in raising a child and raising him normal.
Especially if those around her support her in this, at least morally.
Otherwise, the unwanted child will become a constant reminder to the mother of the reason for her dislike for him and a scapegoat for all the difficulties in her life, for which he, in fact, is not to blame.
Fears
The child may get scared and cry. Moreover, a broken cup, a neighbor drilling behind the wall, the absence of his mother for 1 minute, etc. can frighten him. This is stress. Which also requires coming out and accepting. Try not to scold everyone and everything that frightened the baby, but sympathize, explaining that everything is fine - “mom left and came, uncle will make repairs and go to bed, the cup is loud but fragile, etc.”
Sleep disorders in children: night terrors and nightmares
We do not protect the child from all troubles, pitying and instilling in him how bad everyone around him is - but we teach him to accept his fears and current actions as normal.
Understand me!
While the child is small, it makes no difference whether it is a girl or a boy; he needs to feel protection and love. And even such minor troubles as tripping, a toy getting stuck, a T-shirt not being put on are perceived as a universal catastrophe. The baby needs reassurance. And the understanding that everything is okay. Where you just need to show how to do it right, don’t rush in with pity and the desire to do it for the child.
“You get the toy like this. The shirt should be worn like this.”
But if the child hits (falls, cuts himself) and is in pain, he needs to speak out. He starts screaming and crying.
The worst thing a parent can do is force a child to remain silent, endure, etc.
Even with the best intentions, for a child this will be non-acceptance of his feelings, his pain. Therefore, do not skimp on hugs, kisses, stroking. If the child is already speaking (even if indistinctly), showing and telling what happened to him, nod, agree, he is sharing with you. After the child calms down, you can give practical advice on how to avoid this situation again.
Important! Not while screaming and crying! And after you calm the baby down!
Watch the recording of the webinar “Five Keys to Children’s Happiness!” (free in ViLine.Club)
