How to learn to accept a man for who he is?

What are men's hobbies for you, such as fishing, football or hanging out with friends? A source of quarrels (“he doesn’t pay attention to me”) or an opportunity to devote time to your hobbies? Is it worth trying to “remake” a slob or a hoarder if you are completely different by nature? We'll tell you how to strengthen a relationship with the help of your “otherness” and why it is in your interests to accept a man for who he is.

“How could he! How can you exchange a Dali exhibition with a buffet table and champagne for mosquitoes and a fishing rod! How can you be like that...” - then comes the obscene language. Admit it: have you at least once in your life experienced similar emotions towards your husband or partner and complained about the “wrong” man to your friend? Did they quarrel with him because of this “wrongness”?

There are girls like stars, if you believe the famous song by Andrei Gubin. But if you want your man to describe you as “there are stars like her,” then you can’t do without accepting your husband.

Historically, we are looking for a partner who is similar to us - with the same values, goals, interests, hobbies. Is this correct from the start? Partly. Remember: the dissimilarity of partners is not an obstacle to “happily ever after,” but an additional opportunity to strengthen your relationship.

So is it worth being a reflection of each other? And if not, then how to accept the differences? Let's figure it out.

When opposites attract, misunderstandings arise

Opposites attract, and subconsciously we are drawn to people who are endowed with everything that we ourselves lack.

• A girl with low self-esteem chooses a confident man.
• A spontaneous and unpredictable man chooses a cautious and prudent woman.
• A man is guided by common sense, and a woman depends on the mood of the little toe of her left foot...

But here lies the most common problem in relations between the sexes - misunderstanding. We are so different! We often speak different languages, we don’t get what we want from our partner, and the woman can’t choose between three shades of lipstick, putting the man at a dead end, because for him they are all red.

And there are only two ways - either find your exact copy and, quite possibly, get bored in five years. Or form into a single picture, like a puzzle - fit each other exactly, accept dissimilarity as an addition and every day discover something new and pleasant both in yourself and in your partner.

Perfect picture

He loves her, she loves him.
He accepts her as she is - with this charming look, cellulite and hysterics during the PMS period. She accepts him as he is - with a kind smile, beer fumes in the morning and socks scattered around the apartment. Well, why not an idyll? The problem is that this is not just an ideal (and therefore opposite to reality) picture of a relationship. This is the perfect picture... of a parent-child relationship. And if it would, perhaps, be right for a mother or father to accept their children with all their characteristics, then to want this from a partner, if you think about it, is even strange. It is as strange as expecting a husband or wife to live up to our expectations.

Alas. It is hardly possible to count how many relationships did not work out or brought disappointment and pain to their participants due to the fact that someone expected unconditional acceptance from the other.

How to accept a man who is different from you: 2 exercises

“But I hate fishing!
“I want to go to the Dali exhibition,” some of you will probably think. Well, yes. But he wants to go fishing and sincerely does not understand Dali’s “daub.” So what should I do? Interests, hobbies and even character traits are always an individual component of a person. Yes, you may not like fishing, and he doesn’t understand painting, but you are together, which means you have something in common. And you need to value this difference just as you value your commonality.

Here's an exercise to help you take the first step towards accepting your man.

1. Stand in front of the mirror and exhale.
2. Tell your reflection the following phrases:

• Every person has advantages and disadvantages. I focus on my man's strengths.
• He is not my copy, but that doesn't mean he's wrong.
• Each of us is unique and endowed with different traits and desires.
• There is no concept of “better or worse” in our life. We are different, so everyone is good in their own way.
• We complement each other. Our differences are what attracted us when we first met.

This exercise is simple but effective. Believe my experience and the experience of thousands of my students: when in the end you understand that there is no need to remake a person, then you will feel extraordinary peace within yourself. And this peace will bring joy from every day of your relationship.

But to achieve this feeling as quickly as possible is another technique that works. If you do not understand and do not accept some of your man’s hobbies, desires and needs, turn the situation around. Try to imagine that his football and fishing are like shopping and spa for you. His friends are like your girlfriends...

Or find benefit for yourself in its “irregularities. His silence is your opportunity to speak while he listens. His workaholism is a desire to achieve heights, to provide a better life for you.

Continue the list yourself! Write down in a column everything that you don’t like, that irritates and even infuriates you about your companion. And next to it, indicate your “benefit” from his hobbies, qualities or desires.

About unconditional love and accepting a person as he is

Chapter 9

Do you want to be loved for who you are? What kind of person are you? This is the most important question. WHAT ARE YOU? Answer this question to yourself every day and you will either get what you deserve, or you will become worthy of what you want to get.

(c) Alex_Odessa

This is a very old thought about “love me as I am.” Unconditional love is love WITHOUT CONDITIONS. But why then is it very often difficult for us to find a “soul mate”. Why does it happen that we sometimes look for it and choose it for years? Even songs and poems are composed about this - “Various “WRONG THINGS” walk around wandering around in the bustle.” After all, if you love without conditions , then it would seem, what difference does it make who you love? After all, there are no conditions anyway.

Some “spiritually advanced” citizens will say that this is because most people are selfish and consumers. And that their love is not love at all. However, if such a “spiritually advanced” citizen who loves unconditionally is given a choice of two people, one of whom is worse than the other in some important parameters for the lover, and the “who loves unconditionally” will have to choose one of them to live together, whom will he choose? With a 99% probability - the one that is better. It’s just that “the soul will be drawn to him.” The soul knows where it is going.

We can say that it is easier for someone who “loves unconditionally” to love the one who is better. It turns out that he loves him for a reason, but because he has some qualities that are important to him (character, for example).

If you love “just like that...”, that is, without “blinders”, without expectations, without judgment, then you can love anyone, even a homeless person. Does this mean that you will live with a homeless person? - No. You will love him from a distance, but you will not let him into your life. Why? - Because he is homeless, and you are not. If you let him into your life, he will ruin your life and you know it. Therefore, you will say that “you can love a homeless person,” but you won’t live with him. Of course, it is easy to love those who have nothing to do with you and do not influence your life.

Obviously? - Yes. But then where did the concept that true love is unconditional love come from?

In my opinion, because people, due to their low value in the sexual and marriage market, often have a choice - to be with THIS partner, or without a partner at all. Or with something else, but about the same. It is important to understand here that

Philosophical and religious ideas appear as a response to some need.

In this case, everyone dreams of a high-quality partner in their hearts, but there will never be enough high-quality partners for everyone. (Read more about this in the book by V. Basun: “Man as a commodity on the sexual and marriage market.”)

So it turns out that due to the impossibility of getting what you really want, you have to be content with what you have, or what you CAN get. And a person can receive exactly as much as he deserves. In the sense that it is subjectively highly rated by potential partners. And most often, such an assessment of the “patient” by potential partners leaves much to be desired. So you have to put up with what is. (By the way, the term “HUMILITY” came from exactly here).

But for it to look “beautiful,” you need to call it with beautiful words - for example, “unconditional love.” And “declare” unconditional love and acceptance of a person for who he is , a highly spiritual and highly moral feeling.

Therefore, the concept of “unconditional love” can be seen as a rationalization

. That is, the selection (search) of a rational explanation for behavior or decisions that have other, often unconscious reasons. And often a person subconsciously strives for this unawareness, and uses rationalization in conjunction with the following technique described in psychology - repression.

crowding out

- this is one of the mechanisms of psychological defense, which consists in a person’s unconscious displacement from the field of his perception of what is unprofitable or unpleasant for a person to see.

But sometimes the discrepancy between facts and what is desired is so obvious that the language does not dare to call such “love” love. Even if it is unconditional. And people, realizing the incorrectness of this concept, came up with another rationalization - to accept a person as he is. This is a more honest rationalization than unconditional love. But nevertheless, she does not cease to be her.

“Accepting a person as he is” and “unconditional love” are rationalizations that help HUMILITY and ACCEPT the situation without damage to the psyche.

I show with an example: Imagine a situation: Family. The husband is a parasite, but spiritually advanced. He justifies his idleness by searching for spiritual truth. The wife works like a locomotive, providing for herself and the child, who, it seems, has already learned from dad to be spiritually advanced and socially lazy. Any normal person in such a situation will send the spiritual seeker away and find someone better, but not everyone. After all, in order to send him “to hell” you need to be confident in yourself, in your better future, and this is not inherent in everyone. Therefore, as soon as the thought “shouldn’t I send all this...” appears in my head, another immediately arises - “no matter how much worse it gets...”

It is for such philosophically minded citizens that OSHO’s Indian idea of ​​unconditional love is suitable - “accept him as he is, and thereby you will show the degree of your spiritual perfection.” So they live, drones and cowards, but spiritually advanced.

Now let’s take a rich family. They are doing well both with money and with personal growth. What should they take? What to put up with? There are no problems in social life. If you wanted to go to the Maldives, you flew to the Maldives. In my personal life, everything is just as good - if something in me prevents you from loving me, and you cannot cope with it yourself, I will help you and change myself. In spiritual, inner life, everything is also fine - a problem arose - realized - solved. What should they take?! Everything is fine!!! Do you understand?

The idea of ​​acceptance is an idea for the weak and the poor. The powerful and rich DO NOT NEED this idea! They have nothing to accept, nothing to put up with. They are fine!

However, on the path to wealth (material and spiritual), cases when something unsettles you happen, so something needs to be done about it, and this is where the idea of ​​acceptance works, but not in OSHO’s interpretation, in mine:

How to accept what is right.

Let's ask ourselves what we are talking about accepting. Both in life situations and in a person there is both bad and good. What will we take? Before answering this question, it is worth understanding

"What is good and what is bad"

since it is easy to get confused in these assessments. For example, your wallet was stolen at the market. This is bad? - Yes. And if you look at this situation as a lesson, what life teaches you, then this is already good. “Thank you life for taking such care of me. Next time I won’t be a bungler.” We are “smart”, so we can turn everything inside out.

How to distinguish one from the other? - Just. If some human characteristic or some life situation makes the future of a particular “X” worse than he lived yesterday, this is a bad characteristic or situation. If something in a person, in his character, or some situation creates a better future, it is a good feature or situation.

At the same time, the most important thing is not to speculate. For example, if my wallet was stolen, I had less money, this made my tomorrow worse than today. It is a fact. But the reasoning that this life lesson will make my tomorrow better is not a fact. This is an assumption. Studying may make the future better, or maybe not, but I don’t have money right now.

The future is improved or worsened by specific actions and facts, and not by our assumptions that something will improve our future. In general, situations and anything else should be assessed from the standpoint of “good or bad” on the basis of specific, verifiable facts, and not speculation.

Perhaps this logic is easy to refute. Well, so what? - If you want, you can refute anything, but why?

I start from a simple idea: “Life should constantly improve. If something makes your life worse, then you need to get rid of it.”

. So, we have an understanding of what is good and what is bad in a person.

What will we take in it? - good, bad or both?

The answer “accept everything” is stupid. Why? - It is obvious. His “bad” personally worsens OUR future. Close people influence each other, therefore, his bad influences me and worsens my life. Why should I put up with this? I'm not Indian!

It's easy to take people IN GENERAL, EVERYONE, for granted. It's easy to say that you need to love people and let them be themselves. Why is it easy? “Because these people don’t touch us in any way in the sense that our lives don’t depend on them in any way.” They have no influence on us. But if a loved one begins to ruin our future, saying “He is so special, that’s why I accept him that way...” is simply stupid.

Yes, you accept it. Yes, you are all spiritual and advanced, so what? - Tomorrow you will live worse than today. You will be proud of it, or maybe you will crawl under the covers and come up with a magical fantasy that a little more, a little more, a miracle will happen and...

Do you know what miracle people dream about whose life they are now very unhappy with? Here's what it's about: “Lord, let a miracle happen tomorrow, and let me die in my sleep, without pain and suffering! God! How tired I am of my life! Take me to your place!". I am not saying that everyone thinks this way, but somewhere in the depths of their souls such thoughts appear in many people at one time or another.

Therefore, you should accept only the GOOD in a person, do not resist it, do not reject it. Only things that improve life. It is ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to accept bad things. “Accepting another” means agreeing that he should retain the good in himself and get rid of the bad.

Yes, a person has the right to insist on his characteristics and be what he wants to be. It's HIS RIGHT. But, we HAVE OUR RIGHT TO ACCEPT OR NOT ACCEPT this way. We don't have to accept people as they are. If they want to live badly, let them live. This is their life. If they make our life worse, let these people not be near us! It is our life!

We HAVE THE RIGHT to evaluate people and make our verdict - whether they are worthy of US or not. And it’s easy to give a verdict -

if our tomorrow becomes better with this person, he is a good person. If the future around him gets worse, he is a bad person,

but not in the sense that he has bad moral qualities. He can be a sweetheart and love children. He is bad precisely FOR US, and precisely because when we communicate closely with this person, our future becomes worse. He is a bad influence on us.

An understandable objection: “Are you weak, that he influences you?” “The point here is not weakness, but the fact that you can not have this influence at all, but have another, one that improves our tomorrow.”

In general, the desire to object to these theses may be caused by ordinary fear. If there is someone next to you whose presence makes your life worse, you need to get rid of such a person or change him. He most likely will not agree to change, since he knows better than you how good it is for him. And it's scary to get rid of it. “What if there isn’t another one?” The mind very quickly calculates this logic and, of course, raises objections. But not in essence, but rather “red herrings”. The objection would essentially be: “I’m afraid I won’t find anyone. How can I get rid of fear? “Red herring” (rationalization) is various speculations in support of the position “one must accept everything.”

What to do if, after reading the lines above, you realized that you do not want to accept your loved ones for who they are?

Very simple. Talk to them and explain the improved concept of acceptance, and then set the condition: “Either we change and our lives begin to improve, or we separate.” And in order for everything to start moving, set a time frame: “I give myself 3 months of time. If after this period I understand that nothing has gotten better, I consider our union not suitable for myself and close it.”

You can choose other intonations of conversation, with love, but leave the essence - the condition - either we begin to live better, or we don’t live together at all. And the idea on which this conversation is based is simple: “I deserve the best life, therefore, I will live like this, and if you don’t want to, live as you want.” Are you afraid of losing this love? But we are building a better future, where the quality of love is better, therefore, you do not lose love, but change it for better!

And yet, you don’t have to wait your whole life, what else is just around the corner, and soon the person will change. Life is too short to waste it on others. Spend your life on yourself, on your personal happiness. Therefore, clear time frames for others is a way to avoid wasting precious time in your life.

Readers of various near-spiritual books very often say or think something like the following: “He said the right thing. I thought so myself, I just didn’t formulate it so clearly.” They “hear a ringing, but don’t know where it is.”

In order to clearly formulate some kind of liberating life principle, you need personal experience of liberation. Only after experience can the “discoverer” of the principle express it in words. It is easier to repeat what has been discovered, and it is even easier to say that “I think so myself.”

Thinking and doing are different. For example, in order to formulate “We are not obliged to accept people as they are:” I needed MY personal experience of NOT accepting. Conscious experience. And this is difficult, because earlier I read the opposite from N.I. Kozlov - “Accept your loved ones as they are.” And what I read for a while became my principle of life, but it didn’t make life any better. Therefore, I revised the principle and freed myself.

But this is my personal experience. For you, these are all words that, of course, bring liberation, but only after you COMPLETE AN ACTION based on a new principle that you like. The logic is simple - you like the principle, you take it into your life, it means you need it right now, so use it and perform an action, an action based on the new principle. If there is no action, it is all just speculation, which does not change life and does not make it better.

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Top 10 main shortcomings of men

1. Love of order or disorder. It’s strange to combine these words, but women are equally annoyed by a man who cleans everything down to the last speck of dust, and by one who constantly does not clean up after himself.
2. Bad habits. This is probably one of the most important shortcomings of men. Smoking and drinking alcoholic beverages not only irritate women, but also kill the health of the consumer himself.
3. Computer games. And this is a modern problem. Every day a man sits and plays at the computer, all the chores and worries at home fall on the woman’s shoulders. He begins to pay less attention to her.
4. Strange male humor. It is so arranged by nature that women can rarely understand the humor of the opposite sex. They can laugh even at some thoughtless things.
5. Untidy. This flaw can be noticed at the first meeting. An unkempt man will not think about taking care of himself, and will not try to look more attractive to a woman. Such representatives of the opposite sex greatly irritate women.
6. Reluctance to take responsibility. When they see this quality in men, women immediately begin to take full responsibility. Help partners make decisions. But most often, representatives of the fair sex do not want to change this quality, fearing that then no one will listen to their opinion.
7. Selfishness. First he looks after you, and then he begins to show his essence. Stops paying attention and consulting with you. He constantly goes to see his friends and doesn’t think about you at all. The only thing that can become worse is the flow of egoism into egocentrism.
8. Greed. During the candy-bouquet period, he tries to give small gifts, flowers, etc. But when the relationship lasts a long time, the woman begins to understand that her partner is sparing his money on her. The main thing is not to give him access to your money.
9. Failure to keep promises. “Said and done” is not about such men. They do not try to be a support for you, to fulfill their promises. They are simply next to you and are waiting for decisions from you. Such male representatives are very annoying.
10. Jealousy. It's good if it is present in reasonable quantities. But if he is jealous of all living things, this is already a flaw.

Personal space

Each person has his own personal space and boundaries, we have our own tastes, views, interests, worldview. Our exclusivity and uniqueness lie in these features. But we must develop in ourselves such a quality as acceptance. You need to be able to accept another person, be more patient with the other person’s personal boundaries. Acceptance is a skill that will always help you look for common ground and help you refrain from unnecessary actions towards another person. But we must not forget that in addition to personal boundaries, there are also boundaries of relationships with your partner, they are called partnership boundaries. And if your partner throws around the phrases “Accept me as I am,” he is violating the boundaries of your relationship.

“Everyone has the right to remain themselves, and here the desire to be accepted is completely natural”

Anna Sokolova, psychologist, associate professor at the Higher School of Economics

In short, a healthy relationship is a couple's openness to dialogue. The ability of partners to clearly express their desires, listen and hear the needs of the other, help in meeting them, and respect each other’s boundaries. These are two equal adult positions, when each takes responsibility for their actions and how they affect their partner.

As for acceptance, it is important to distinguish it at two levels. At the level of personality, the very essence of a person - and at the level of specific actions. In the first case, it is really important to accept your partner for who he is. This means not trying to change his character, way of life, values ​​and desires.

Everyone has the right to remain themselves, and here the desire to be accepted is completely natural. For example, your husband likes to relax by playing shooting games, but it seems to you that this is not the best form of relaxation. However, it is his right and his choice how to rest. And this choice must be respected. As long as it doesn't interfere with your sleep, of course. And then, at the level of specific actions, this is not at all something that should always be accepted.

Violation of partnership boundaries

Let's look at this violation based on a real example. One woman was faced with a situation where her husband simply responded to every comment she made: “Accept me for who I am. You either accept all of me, or our relationship will become fake.” Then the woman decided that her husband’s desires were higher for her than her own. She decided to do everything to make her husband feel good with her.

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After a certain amount of time, the woman began to realize that the more she accepted her husband’s antics, the worse she felt. The question arose: “What about my own desires?” And when the woman decided to put herself first, her husband accused her of callousness and self-interest. Their relationship ended on his initiative.

Parental role

So, complete acceptance, love without any conditions - this is what, ideally, every child has the right to. Mom and dad were waiting for him, he was born - and now he is welcome. And they love him, despite the whole range of difficulties that those who raise children face.

But the child is dependent on the parents. They are responsible for his safety, development, physical and psychological health. The mission of parents is to educate and raise. Mom and dad's unconditional acceptance helps the child feel loved and significant. He receives the message that it is normal to be himself, to feel different emotions is natural, and to be worthy of respect and good treatment is right.

But, in addition, parents must teach him to follow the rules of society, study, work, negotiate with people, and so on. And this is important precisely because in the future we build relationships with others that are not child-parent, but other ones - friendly, neighborly, collegial, sexual, and so on. And they are all conditioned by something. All of them, including a romantic relationship, represent a kind of “social contract”.

So where is the acceptance here?

Acceptance is not just praise or criticism. This is adequate feedback that helps the child see himself as a whole, and not just his “good” or “bad” sides. Accepting a child is the foundation of adequate self-esteem, the formation of the psyche without a bias towards “plus” or “minus”.

The parent acts as a “non-crooked” mirror that makes the baby visible. Not embellished, not partially visible, but simply visible. Just like we see our reflection in a mirror. Of course, we may not like something about ourselves, but we pay more attention to something. But if the child’s psyche develops normally, everything should be reflected.