The definition of love and what kind of feeling it is (in psychology) still has very blurred boundaries. Many people surround us, some we are indifferent to, others arouse sympathy, affection, annoyance or even hatred, and there can be many objects. But only at the sight of one person does the spirit freeze and “spread its wings.” Emotional excitement smoothly turns into attachment and further, causing a response not only on the emotional, but also on the physical level, deeply affecting the biochemistry of the body, expressed in the accelerated production of serotonin, the hormone of happiness.
Concept and functions
The concept of “love” has many interpretations. This is a chemical reaction, a habit, a spiritual impulse, affection, a desire for protection, care.
Psychologists cannot identify a single interpretation for this concept, since each person perceives it differently.
Love can be called an interested, attentive, caring attitude towards someone.
This feeling combines many positive mental and emotional states, which begin from ordinary pleasure and reach sublime virtue.
Main functions:
- Caring is shown towards the object of affection.
- Respect - without it, relationships will turn into ordinary exploitation of the object of interest.
- Knowledge - a loving person constantly learns this feeling, develops it, not allowing it to fade away.
- Responsibility - a person on a subconscious level protects the object of his adoration from all troubles.
All functions are interconnected. If any of them is not fulfilled, love cannot be called complete.
Love: Definition from a psychological point of view
There are three completely contradictory interpretations of the concept of “Love”:
- Love is a state of falling in love
- a disorder akin to neurosis, when attention is weakened, vigilance is lost, a person becomes “detached from this world.”
Love is an internal drug
when the brain releases pleasure hormones, dopamine, a feeling of happiness and serenity.
Love is a painless habit
, a person’s need to feel loved, to give these wonderful emotions to others, to be happy and satisfied.
Psychologists say that true love is similar to love for a child, an indicator of a pure soul, dedication to the end, care and renunciation, this cannot be understood with the head, only felt in the heart.
Love is an objective concept, for one person to love is to give gifts, for another it is to sympathize and empathize, and for a third it is to give one’s life without delay. It is sometimes very difficult to take and explain this feeling in words.
Stages of development
There are several stages in psychology:
- Falling in love is the initial stage. This is the stage of romance, enchantment. At this stage, the first idea of the partner is formed and idealized. Positive qualities are exaggerated, negative ones are denied. When you fall in love, it seems that your partner is your soul mate, with whom you can go through all life’s obstacles. The sensations are caused by the action of hormones.
- Habituation or saturation. This stage comes after several months of living together. Hormones no longer have an enhanced effect on the psyche, uncontrollable cravings cool down. Partners begin to devote more time to their personal interests. At this stage, the first quarrels and resentments appear, but this is a normal phenomenon. To move forward, lovers must learn to make concessions, forgive, and not pay attention to quarrels.
- Disgust. A difficult stage at which many couples break up. Ideals crumble, a desire appears to change something or replace a partner. All this leads to focusing on the shortcomings of a loved one. If you do not learn to seek compromises in quarrels, the relationship will be destroyed.
- Humility. If the couple has gone through the stage of disgust, the lovers begin to understand each other better. They notice something new, begin to develop relationships together, set goals for themselves, and achieve them through joint efforts.
- Studying. At this stage, lovers define their roles and clarify the nuances of life together. For example, when you need to be alone, go to relatives, etc.
- Proximity. Psychologists believe that you need to get married at this stage. The lovers begin to trust each other.
- Doubts. After several years of living together, some suspicions arise. Spouses begin to compare their lives with the dreams that they had before, and think about how their life could have turned out without marriage - for the better or for the worse.
- Sexuality. To strengthen relationships, spouses begin to look for variety in sex.
The last stage is love. This is a feeling that is taken to the absolute. The spouses know how to have fun together and completely trust each other.
Love is like a chemical reaction
Lovers like to be together, the production of various hormones is triggered, which lead to crazy actions, euphoria, insomnia, loss of appetite, and a change in the reality around.
Love makes you crazy
, the brain begins to produce excess amounts of dopamine, and a state of satisfaction appears. A person commits thoughtless actions and is sometimes unable to adequately evaluate the result obtained.
These “aggressive” hormones do not live for a long time, the phase of madness quickly ends, and love passes into another metamorphosis - affection, understanding, trust, unity, etc.
The desire to fall in love is not love. But the fear of falling in love is already love. Etienne Rey
The love hormone - oxytocin, plays a key role in the psychology of behavior of lovers, as they say, if you feel good, then I feel great! Love is the complete giving of oneself in exchange for the truth of the feelings of another.
This chemical element helps build relationships, binds families and friends with bonds of love, and helps curb the true feeling inside. Such a change in the psychology of behavior changes life for the better and creates a feeling of trust in others. This method can treat neurosis in patients.
Classification
Psychologists distinguish several types of love:
- Mania is a manifestation of feelings as addiction. This form appears at the initial stage of relationship development. The danger arises when mania begins to drag on and intensify. A sense of control over the partner begins to prevail in the relationship, which negatively affects the lovers. Such relationships resemble the connection between a maniac and a victim.
- Consumer love is ludus. There is no real intimacy. One of the partners wants to receive something from the other - intimacy, expensive gifts, emotions. When the goal is achieved, interest disappears and relationships are destroyed.
- Passionate love is eros. This type is similar to mania, but does not have negative preconditions. Lovers focus their attention on intimacy and want to get maximum pleasure from each other. Partners constantly want to be close to each other and can spend whole days in bed. Over the years, passion fades and shortcomings emerge. Most couples who grew up on the basis of eros are destroyed.
- Love that is created on a sense of duty - storge. Such feelings are not built on animal passion or romance. People come to such relationships after years of living together. At the same time, the partners have grown together so much that they cannot imagine life without each other. For them, family comes first; they do not know how to betray.
- Selfless love is agape. This type of feeling is clearly visible between mother and child. For a couple in love, this can be a bad and even destructive manifestation of love feelings. If one of the partners feels selfless, he can forgive everything, forgetting about himself. Slowly this will lead to the destruction of the relationship.
- Rational love is pragma. Formed between people who are looking for comfort. They do not need financial gain, any achievements, they do not pursue sporting interests. Such partners are looking for a reliable ally in each other, a friend with whom they can go through life without fear.
- Friendly love is philia. There is no physical attraction in such relationships. Harmony of the soul, division of interests, equality of thoughts reigns. Partners like to spend time with each other, communicate, watch movies, listen to music. Anyone can destroy such a connection.
Each type of love relationship is characteristic of different ages and has characteristic differences. In order for the relationship to be strong and not to be destroyed at the first difficulties, it is necessary to simultaneously and proportionately develop flirtation, friendship, passion, and responsibility.
Stages of love
No matter how strange it may sound, such an elevated feeling also goes through a series of transformations. Each stage has its own characteristics.
Love
The most romantic and exciting part. Characterized by intense passions, loss of critical thinking, and a search for similarities in various areas. The reason for this attitude is the production of a complex of hormones responsible for euphoria, cheerful mood and a feeling of happiness.
Saturation
The severity of emotions is gradually complemented by affection and the need to show care. Madness is replaced by warmth, interest in the outside world, professional achievements, communication with colleagues and friends returns. The boundaries are expanding again, but the beloved remains the center. To some this seems like a cooling off, but in reality it’s just a transition to a new level.
Disgust
Each person represents an entire universe with its own speed of rotation of the planets and laws of gravity. There will inevitably be a period when there will be a clash of interests. At this moment it will become clear what kind of feeling it is - love with its wisdom and forgiveness or uncompromising passion.
Humility
There comes objectivity in assessing a partner and acceptance of him with all his advantages and disadvantages. It helps to better understand the aspirations and desires of another, and gives an incentive to work on developing relationships.
Studying
A person is so multifaceted as a person that his inner world is a mystery, not to mention who is nearby. The time has come for discoveries and defining the boundaries of freedom, combining life rhythms.
Proximity
The degree of loyalty and trust increases, where individuality is more clearly manifested in unity. At this stage, a couple often decides to start a family.
Doubts
Typical for people who have lived nearby for more than 5-7 years. Achievements are analyzed, and the opinions of others become important. With harmonious relationships in the spiritual and intimate spheres, the period passes quickly and relatively painlessly. With urgent problems and mutual accusations, aggravation and rupture are possible.
Sexuality
Differences in preferences and changes in desires can lead to serious disagreements, affairs, and mutual cooling. I encourage my clients to find the initial spark by carefully fanning it into a searing fire. Unfortunately, there are no universal methods; for each couple I develop a unique program during a personal consultation.
Love
It is considered the crown of a relationship in which complete trust and mutual understanding are revealed. The danger lies in the loss of individuality when a partner is perceived as an extension of oneself. The most important thing during this period is respect and attention, constant care that does not turn into suffocating care.
Characteristic signs
Symptoms:
- Lovers do not notice those around them.
- Partners cannot answer the question - “why do you love him (her)?”
- There are no doubts about the choice.
- There are frequent manifestations of jealousy.
- Every day the partners become better, they try to look more beautiful for each other.
- The ability to forgive and seek compromises arises.
- Relationships do not stand still, they are actively developing.
- Achieving the set goals is carried out through joint efforts.
- Lovers know how to enjoy silence with each other.
It is believed that you can fall in love only once in your life, but this is a wrong opinion. By nature, people are polygamous. After the end of one relationship, you can move away from the pain and continue searching for a partner.
What myths about love 'erase' knowledge of psychology
Is love at first sight real?
Love at second, third... sight can be bright, rich, inspired and unique. Psychologists often consider situations when a person believes that this is his real soul mate, and then meets another, and the world turns upside down again.
The object of love is one for all years and all centuries!
The first love seems to be the only one, but then the second comes, and feelings are ignited again... In the world, 25% of suicides occur due to the fact that many rivals compete for the favor of “one love.” So for whom is she really the only one?
In a truly loving heart, either jealousy kills love, or love kills jealousy. Fedor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky
Every person has a soulmate, the main thing is to spot her in the crowd of numerous passers-by and not miss her, so as not to break the agreement of eternal and happy love.
You cannot live in a world where there is no love, when the other half is completely indifferent to you, because the time will come when true love will appear, and one of the partners will remain “overboard”, in a sea of tears and sad illusions.
There are at least a million options for meeting your soulmate; perhaps this requires changing your place of residence, social circle, work, study, but the choice will be made, and the probability of a successful one is quite high.
Does eternal love exist?
Psychologists do not make loud statements on this matter, and the thought of a lover can live for a long period, but the foundations of family life can change these ideas.
The higher the need for love, the more acute this problem is. Most often, love is interpreted as respect, trust, understanding of each other; often a person falls in love several times, because he was not lucky enough to find his ideal. In fact, not everything is so simple, you need to move forward, not dwell on imaginary fantasies and erroneous ideals.
It is difficult to reason sensibly under the influence of the love hormone, but you simply must draw a conclusion and move on with your life!
Is it possible to get married without love?
Is there always love when creating a marriage, but it is worth noting that the intensity of passions also cannot guarantee a strong relationship and a successful union.
So where to look for the golden half? How to become happy without love? Yes, marriage without feelings is sad
, but on the other hand, as the French novelist Beigbeder noted, love lasts for three years, and after that a trusting contact is established, a relationship that will keep the couple together or lead to separation.
Problems in the field of love can arise due to the fact that everyone interprets this feeling in their own way. In psychology, there is no one correct solution to how to define love; there are many varieties of it.
Perhaps today you will love your other half as a brother/sister, friend, and tomorrow that flaming feeling will come that will allow you to create a strong and happy family for many years. Love will be glorified as a divine feeling, a bright transformation of life, driving you crazy.
Love is joy, understanding each other without words, mutual satisfaction
, in this case we can talk about strong further family ties, and the birth of children will become a magical unity of this marriage.
'Imaginary' love
If relationships between people arise against the background of internal emptiness, or the replacement of one partner by another, then they can be called dependent, and most often doomed to a sad existence.
This is a serious psychological problem, not everyone can bear such responsibility, in such relationships there is no free choice, most often such individuals remain lonely and unhappy for the rest of their lives.
Don't be afraid of the smart ones. When love comes, the brain turns off. Elena Zhidkova
“Feelings are the element of actions that are not subject to anyone!” In such a field, betrayal, mistrust, suffering, meanness and the destruction of such a wonderful feeling as love can arise.
You need to learn to love and be happy without any conditions, just as a mother loves a child; she plunges headlong into this state and does not set any selection criteria for herself.
If there is emptiness in your soul, then you first need to understand yourself why this happened, and not fill it with someone based on rash actions. Until a person loves himself and accepts himself with all his shortcomings and contradictions, it is unlikely that anyone will do this for him.
How to save fading feelings?
To prevent feelings from fading away, you need to:
- Learn to distinguish between sex and love. These are different concepts.
- Constantly ask your significant other what he (she) thinks about the relationship. You need to be sincere to achieve true love.
- Set goals and achieve them through joint efforts.
- Respect your partner in his choice and opinion. You cannot humiliate or ridicule your loved one.
- Say right away what you don’t like about your partner or his actions. If you remain silent, the negative effect will accumulate.
- Constantly share plans for the future.
- Maintain self-esteem and self-respect.
- Constantly look for new interests. It is advisable to have a joint hobby.
- Diversify your sex life and make your fantasies come true.
- Solve joint problems immediately after they arise.
Advice will help develop and strengthen relationships, increase interest between partners.
Female and male psychology in love and relationships
The psychology of men and women in relationships is radically different. Men first of all pay attention to a woman’s appearance. Their interest often causes sexual attraction. Women are more romantic. They may be attracted by a man’s sensitivity, calmness and determination.
Men's psychology in love and relationships is based on the desire to protect and protect their woman. That is why women who are not afraid to show their weakness are in greatest demand. Men are more stingy with emotions. They strive to prove their love with deeds, not words.
Women's psychology in love is based on the desire to start a family. Representatives of the fairer sex are more emotional and impressionable. They often idealize their loved one and look at relationships through rose-colored glasses. A woman in love blossoms and tries to take more care of herself. Love serves as motivation and inspiration for her.
How is love different from passion and infatuation?
Differences between love and passion:
- Passion is built on fundamental egoism, which gradually seeps into conversations and influences actions.
- In passionate relationships, partners put achieving their personal desires first.
- Passion doesn't last long. When people get what they need, they become cold towards each other and look for new goals.
- Searching for compromises is not typical for passionate relationships. Any quarrel could be the last.
Differences between love and infatuation:
- Partners try to get physical pleasure, not spiritual.
- Lovers ignore each other's flaws.
- Falling in love makes people see an illusion around them.
- The foundation of falling in love is hormonal effects.
- Trust is not typical for falling in love.
What do famous psychologists say about the definition of the word 'Love'?
Sternberg: The results of combining the components of love
Sternberg believed that this feeling can carry an objective load in three semantic components: attraction, passion and responsibility towards oneself and the other half.
Ideal love is one in which all these components merge together, feelings become strong and flammable!
| Types of love | Intimacy | Passion | Responsibility |
| Sympathy | + | ||
| Passion | + | ||
| Imaginary feelings | + | ||
| Romance | + | + | |
| Friendship | + | + | |
| Blind feelings | + | + | |
| Perfect love | + | + | + |
What does E. Fromm say about the definition of love?
He considers love to be a momentary feeling that appears in moments of great joy; the motivation of feelings can be fear of loneliness, and in rare manifestations - sadism.
Love according to E. Fromm is similar to a commercial transaction, to love is to take and give to the fullest
, to open up, dedicate your secrets and let into your innermost world of love and experiences. Be strong, don’t let feelings go by themselves, control the process, no matter how paradoxical it may sound.
The first violent outbursts of emotions are replaced by brave and strong feelings that help keep the raft of love afloat, and not allow it to break on the rocks of enmity, hatred, constant quarrels and scandals.
A.V. Petrovsky argues differently
He describes love as external manifestations of feeling, accessible to everyone
. The way a person changes outwardly when a feeling of attachment to another appears, he renounces his previous life and begins to commit crazy actions. Love is conditioned by intimate attractions and presupposes sincerity and openness to each other.
If there is a lie, then this is not love, but the unscrupulous exploitation of someone else's trust, fraudulent actions, sometimes thoughtless. Feelings should be replaced by actions, but at the same time testify to the same thing. If I love, then it manifests itself in all relationships.
What do scientists think about this feeling?
Love from a chemical point of view:
- When you fall in love, the body actively produces serotonin and dopamine. A person is addicted to love.
- If a man suddenly loses interest in one girl, he begins to court several women. There is not enough vasopressin hormone in his body.
- During the period of passion, human blood is saturated with a cocktail of various hormones. Intimacy cements relationships.
The last stage of love, from the point of view of chemistry, is the attachment of partners to each other. At this stage, the body actively produces the hormone endodiazepine. It silences anxiety and gives peace.
Love is different for each person. Some fear this feeling because of a tragic breakup that caused heartache. Someone gets the highest pleasure from it. In order for a relationship to last longer, be strong, and interesting, you need to constantly introduce novelty into it, try to develop feelings. It is enough to increase interest for passion to flare up again.
How to understand that you are loved
Not everyone is naturally gifted with eloquence. Much more can be learned from nonverbal cues. A wandering gaze, constantly returning to the object of admiration, increased concern for appearance, the desire to spend as much time together as possible clearly indicate a state of falling in love. These are often supplemented by a genuine interest in the dreams and preferences of the object of sympathy. Willingness to help and including you in long-term plans indicates stable, serious feelings.
Is there a test: “Do I really love him?”
Very often a person has a need to understand whether his feelings are really real or are these just his fantasies that he has convinced himself of. First, it is important for a person to realize that doubts are normal. Secondly, there cannot be any serious test that answers this question, because everyone has their own understanding and their own boundaries of love.
Any relationship is a superimposition of certain ideas of two people about how, in their opinion, love communication should take place. The peculiarities of their personality give the feeling a special arrangement, so it would be correct to say: as many couples as there are, so many types of love. Which one is more perfect is not for us to judge. The main thing is that the feelings are conveyed to the person to whom they are directed. And this can only be done in his love language.
Nevertheless, on the Internet you can find many online tests designed for a young audience (students and schoolchildren) in order to, by calculating points when answering specific questions, make it possible to distinguish, first of all, falling in love from real feelings.
