A tale of hypercontrol and hyperresponsibility
Once upon a time there was a girl, let's call her Nastya. And she was in constant stress because she was trying to manage everything and control everything. (This fairy tale, by the way, is about me in the past. So, I experienced everything first hand.)
Nastya spent all day taking care of her husband and children, redoing work for her colleagues and carefully making sure that the whole family ate properly. Friends really loved going on vacation with Nastya, because they knew that she would first long and painstakingly study all possible hotels and tours, choose the best, register everyone for the flight, take with her a first aid kit (which could put the Israeli army on its feet) and bring 5 suitcases just in case.
Nastya’s husband often lost money and documents, the children forgot everything they could at school (from notebooks to homework), and their friends “didn’t understand” how to do something, and asked Nastya to tell/help/do it for them.
Was life easy for Nastya? No matter how it is, the syndrome of hyper-responsibility and hyper-control kept her in a state of overstrain and on the verge of burnout:
- Nastya constantly had headaches/back/shoulders,
- but she waved her hand at herself
- and ran to do things,
- because “who, if not me”
- or “they won’t do so well.”
What do you think awaits Nastya in the near future if she doesn’t loosen the reins? What awaits you if you don’t stop being such Nastya?
Excessive demands on others
Many people forget that universal values and norms simply do not exist in our world. The formation of a person’s personality is influenced by traditions, culture, religion, education, and so on. What is good for some may be bad for others.
People who tend to make excessive demands on others have a difficult life. They constantly expect from others what they are unable to give them. Constant reminders that no one is perfect can help you overcome this pitfall. We must not forget that all people are different from each other, have positive and negative sides.
Hypercontrol test
Do you want to know if you have hypercontrol and responsibility? Here's a test for you, take it and sign it.
To pass the test, answer “yes, it's about me” or “no, it's not about me” to the following statements:
- You think you can do better than those around you;
- You are a walking diary and reminder - remember all important dates and events;
- Know where all the important documents are, remember how much money is kept in the bank;
- Love to plan (sometimes you even plan how you will plan);
- As a child, you were a headman, a counselor;
- Management puts more workload on you than other employees;
- Without you, your husband forgets his keys/money and loses his receipts. Children are unassembled - you help them collect their briefcase, check their lessons, etc.;
- You feel anxious when things don't go according to plan;
- When getting into a car/minibus, you try to choose a seat near the driver;
- You like to play it safe and have a plan B, C, D...
If you answered “Yes” to at least 6 questions, then hypercontrol is your friend, comrade and brother. Living with him, of course, is possible, but it’s not easy (I went through this stage, and remember Nastya from the fairy tale) - ... psychosomatics catches up, stress overcomes, but all these are consequences. And in order to eliminate the consequences - to get rid of hyper-responsibility and hyper-control, you must first deal with the causes.
Mind Reading
Some people think that they are able to read the thoughts of others. In reality, they can give meaning to other people's words and actions that is not intended in them at all. They evaluate other people's behavior based on their own experience. Often their interpretation turns out to be wrong.
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A person who falls into this trap must remind himself more often that the world does not revolve around him. In most cases, the words and actions of others have nothing to do with him. Therefore, you should not attach too much importance to them.
Causes of hypercontrol
Let's figure out where the legs grow from those who are hyper-controlling.
Let's start, as always, with childhood.
The child was given more duties and responsibilities than he could handle
This is just about me - at the age of 8 I was already going on tour without my parents. Of course, my friends’ mothers were looking after me, but I had to pack my things and dress for the stage myself, put on makeup, try not to get lost in a foreign country, etc.
Parents who did not provide support
For example, a mother who was abandoned by her husband (or depressed, or fired) and who now cannot piece herself together falls apart, like Clinton’s alibi in the Monica Lewinsky case. The consequences for a child are tragic, so I always say: if you have lost your support and self-confidence, do not be afraid to consult a psychologist or sign up for a “PRO-pimp yourself” course! Just imagine how scary it is for children when they see and feel that the main person in their life, their support and support, has melted away like ice cream in the sun.
Counterdependent "runaway" parent
Who often deceived or did not keep his promise. In this case, what remains for the child? That’s right, take care of yourself, and also control your parent so that he doesn’t let you down. Should we talk about trust? I also think it’s not worth it, because there is no trust in such relationships.
Karpman Triangle, where you were a lifeguard
It doesn’t matter who was saved and from what - dad from alcohol, mom from fatigue, parents from divorce, or caring for a very sick grandmother.
You mirror a significant adult from childhood
For example, a military father, for whom everyone walked to the line, or a mother, a head teacher at a school, who was used to managing, instructing and controlling stupid children.
I have listed only 5 reasons, but they are the main ones.
Now let's move on to the main thing.
Self-deprecation
Many people tend to downplay their strengths. Such individuals focus on their negative sides and give them too much importance. People with low self-esteem are constantly faced with failures, which only strengthen their negative opinion of themselves.
The solution to the problem in this case can be a frank conversation with yourself. Suppose a person feels that he is not suitable for the position he occupies in the company. He should ask himself what is stopping management from firing him. It is possible that these are abilities and talents that he simply does not notice in himself.
A person with low self-esteem may think that he is not worthy of the attention and love of other people. He needs to think about what makes his family and friends happy to spend time with him. It is likely that these people see his positive traits, which he simply ignores.
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What does the person who controls everything get?
- POWER
- SAFETY
Why? Because he knows that everyone around him depends on him (for example, he holds all the vouchers, assigns everyone to their numbers, and therefore is indispensable for everyone), and thus he raises his own importance in his own eyes (I was the one who did all this, did it well , I'm done).
Plus, when a person’s basic trust in the world is undermined, he permanently feels in a danger zone (for example, he lives with the confidence that his mother will leave at any moment, will not fulfill a promise, or will not do something). Such a child begins to control not only his mother, but also everything around him, because in this way he provides himself with a sense of support and security.
What did we end up with?? People who control everything and everyone already have a certain formed neurosis, but this is not only possible, but first of all, you need to work, because the consequences are very sad.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is another thinking trap that can poison a person’s life. It would seem that there is nothing wrong with striving for the ideal. However, the pursuit of perfection, which simply does not exist, leads many people not to success, but to failure.
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A perfectionist must learn to love his mistakes. He needs to consider them as valuable lessons that life itself teaches. It is mistakes that allow you to develop, become better and stronger. You can't allow yourself to get stuck in the past; you need to constantly look to the future.
Hypercontrol: how to get rid of it
What to do to get rid of the desire to control everything and everyone. By the way, this information is useful for everyone, even if hypercontrol is not typical for you.
Well, let's get started!
Massage
Hypercontrol and constant tension always take their toll on the body. First of all, the back, shoulder girdle, and knees suffer. What to do? Massage is your friend (at least 2-3 courses). For me, working in an office in a managerial position did not pass me by, and my massage therapist and I are still dealing with the consequences.
There is also a great exercise for trust and relaxation
when you just lie down on the water and relax (I do this in the farthest corner of the pool and enjoy it). You need to lie down for at least 20 minutes at a time!
All doubles sports
it’s also about trust and relaxation, when you need to trust your partner and/or coach, and not rely only on yourself.
- At one time, scuba diving really helped my client. There, in principle, you can’t control anything and you need to trust the instructor.
Hot air balloon flights there too.
Build new neural connections in your head
How? Break the patterns! For example, are you used to studying the hotel you plan to stay in under a microscope? Do you constantly read all 100,500 reviews about it and if at least 1% are negative, then look for a new hotel? Then let go of the situation and move into a place where there are simply beautiful photos, the sea is close and the price suits you.
I call the next method “Don’t care, girls, let’s dance”
You know, sometimes there are situations that you have no control over at all, but you still hang around like a fish on a hook and get nervous. For example, a flight was canceled or something like that. Can you influence this? No. Then why be nervous and torment yourself? A clogged bolt is a guarantee of health.
All these actions are very difficult for people who are accustomed to controlling everyone and everything, and therefore choose sports where not everything depends on you and, willy-nilly, you will have to rely on someone - this takes you out of your comfort zone.
Expecting the worst
Constantly expecting the worst is another common thinking trap that many people fall into. Sometimes anxiety brings real benefits to those who are affected by it. It allows you to avoid dangerous situations and cope better with your affairs. However, if anxiety never leaves a person, he can only dream of achieving success.
Analysis will help you cope with constant anxiety. It is necessary to imagine the worst case scenario and weigh the likelihood that it will come true. Then you should ask yourself what you can do to prevent this from happening. You should also think through your actions in the event that a negative scenario comes true, and realistically assess the possible damage. It is possible that the danger is not at all as great as it seems to a person who is captured by anxiety.
Constant work in this direction will lead to the fact that anxiety will arise less and less often.
In general, it is absolutely normal for a child to want to do something all the time.
And you can be congratulated on the fact that your daughter has this desire. Children are the living energy of life, which means constant movement. It’s worse when a child doesn’t want anything and isn’t interested in anything.
Good luck to you! ____________________________
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Short term pleasures
Psychologists believe that there is nothing wrong with the ability to enjoy the current moment. On the contrary, it helps people avoid stress and depression. However, when a person completely surrenders to short-term pleasures without thinking about the consequences, he makes a big mistake.
An example is being overweight. People fill their menu with unhealthy foods, the consumption of which leads to extra pounds. They get short-term pleasure from the taste of food without thinking about the danger they pose to their health in the long term. Other examples of such a psychological trap are addiction to alcoholic beverages and cigarettes, and gambling addiction.
Every person should fill their life with pleasure. However, he must avoid activities that will do him much more harm than good.
