The second obstacle: cognitive overload during the fight or flight response. When trying to deceive someone, liars think about many things at once. We have to monitor verbal and non-verbal cues, remember what they have already said and what they haven’t said before, make sure that the story they have created sounds logical and believable.
In addition, liars have to constantly keep in mind what words, gestures or facial expressions might give them away. In other words, when a person tells a lie, his brain is completely turned on. Cognitive overload makes it difficult to think and speak, which makes it harder to lie successfully, explains John Schafer.
The first tip is that in order to lie more effectively, you need to recognize and recognize the very beginning of the fight or flight response and make efforts to eliminate or hide its manifestations. This will provide additional resources for convincing deception.
Cognitive load
Cognitive load occurs when processes such as thinking, attention, and memory are involved. That is, a person is overexerted mentally. But how can you understand during a conversation that the other person is lying? Psychologists have proven that lying is much more difficult than telling the truth. The brain becomes tense and the person becomes overly nervous.
To increase cognitive load and definitely catch a person lying, you should ask your interlocutor to tell the story in chronological reverse order. That is, from the total to the elements. It is important to maintain constant eye contact. If a person fails, he is lying.
Undivided attention to family: 4 problems that cause stress for entrepreneurs The sooner the better: teaching children to handle money (practical methods) “I don’t know”: this phrase is not a weakness, but a leadership skill (how to say it correctly)
How to tell the truth to people
In the modern world, branding, including personal branding, is very important. But the fact is that by creating it, we also lie, therefore, we fall into the pit of lies. To avoid falling, you will have to tell the truth.
People don't really like honesty very much. Who would like it when they tell him that the highly paid job he chose is not his, the woman he loves does not love him, etc.? Really, no one. So yesterday's friends can migrate to the category of enemies.
But in fact, even a personal brand can be built on honesty. There is no need to post beautiful photos, talk about how cool you are and how great everything is with you. Everyone is used to this. Let's try to go the other way and tell people the truth, that is, what you think and what other people are like in your eyes. You will have to go through several stages.
Stage 1. They won’t want to communicate with you.
Honesty - self-acceptance
Sigmund Freud argued that the need to tell the truth is very strong in people. The reason for this is that a person wants to be understood by others. But often he himself does not understand and does not accept himself. He puts on one mask, exchanges it for another, but cannot even imagine that he can live without them.
The better a person understands himself, the more difficult it is for him to lie to himself and others.
People lie to appear in a favorable light to others, but their inner voice tells them that the meaning of our existence lies in something completely different. The better a person understands and accepts himself, the more honest he becomes.
Good liars are sociable people
In terms of their ability to tell lies, extroverts have an inherent advantage over introverts because they appear more confident and pleasant to others. Self-confidence and the ability to please “disarm” suspicion. And external attractiveness and the ability to communicate increase the chances of any deceiver. People tend to notice inconsistencies much less and believe more in the innocence of those they like.
The third tip: if you are an introvert, observe extroverts, their facial expressions and behavior in order to increase your chances of becoming a good liar.
White lie
However, there are situations in life when lying is necessary. Sometimes you have to tell a lie so as not to offend a person. If a friend's dress, in our opinion, is tasteless, most often we will praise it. I don’t want to spoil a person’s mood, and besides, it’s his choice that needs to be respected.
But there are situations when the truth can hurt a person or harm him. Before telling a person about a serious illness or betrayal, you need to think ten times whether the truth will be too heavy a blow for him.
Truth and conscience
The truth of any person is what he himself considers to be the truth, but it is always subjective. But he must listen to other people's opinions so as not to feel that he is “always right.” Each of us has a conscience, and if it torments us, it means that the truth is not on our side.
The voice of conscience, no matter how we try to drown it out, will “knock” at us again and again, like a postman bringing an important letter. Then there will be nothing left to do but open the door and let in the truth that we don’t want to know.
Watch the timbre
The brain is terribly honest, it doesn’t like to lie, it makes it upset. For the body, lying is excessive stress. Therefore, both men and women speak in a higher voice than usual when lying - this is an unconscious reaction to stress. We always squeak when we are nervous. So let the jazz depth and velvet into your voice, otherwise they will burn you.
The first steps on the path to sincerity
The path of truth is thorny and not always pleasant, so you must immediately prepare yourself for the fact that it will be quite difficult. Where to start, how to learn to tell the truth even in the most difficult and unpleasant situations for you? Everything needs to be done gradually and measuredly.
- Find out why and in what situations you lie most often: at work, so as not to get a reprimand from your superiors; to your loved one, so that he doesn’t leave you; friends to look better in their eyes or someone else?
- Now think about what you get from this lie: sleepless nights full of fear that your deception will be revealed; complete confusion about when and to whom you said what; constant stress from someone finding out that you are a pathological liar.
- Make sure that the truth is exactly what you need: you will be able to sleep peacefully, get rid of fears, and besides, you will gain fame as an honest girl who knows the value of her word. There are actually very few people you can trust, so if you take the path of truth, you will become respected and worthy of respect.
- At first, it will be useful to do auto-training: make up phrases that will help you cope with this shortcoming: “I won’t lie anymore,” “I always tell the truth,” “I never lie,” or any other similar content. They should sound constantly, not only in your head: print out the setting and hang it on the mirror, on the closet, on the wall that you see immediately after you wake up. Let this phrase become a screensaver on your phone or laptop. In a word, just be obsessed with this - and the results will be quite noticeable.
This is only a theoretical basis for preparing for a new life in which there will be no lies. But it is she who is very important in this matter: without understanding for yourself why you need to become truthful, you will never be able to do this. Knowing how to learn to tell the truth in your head, you can gradually begin to put your desires and plans into practice.
Use distraction and switching
A true master of deception, like the Spanish matador, draws his sword only at the decisive moment and delivers only one blow. The rest of the time, he skillfully distracts the victim's attention with the help of skillful movements of his red cloak. The art of lying uses similar techniques, and sometimes skillfully switching the interlocutor’s attention to another object or changing the topic of conversation eliminates the need to lie altogether. Think over your line of behavior in advance in such a way that you don’t have to tell a lie at all. Just be careful not to overdo it, because incompetent use of a muleta can cost the matador his life!
He doesn't give advice, he just criticizes
A simple example. For example, you came in a beautiful outfit, and your friend immediately tells you that the clothes fit terribly, don’t suit you and make you look very fat. Maybe that's true, but did you ask her opinion? If not, then the friend is showing envy. It’s completely different when you asked if an outfit suited you and then received an answer upon request. And it can be different. If a friend is straightforward, she may express her point of view in a rude manner, and this will only indicate the peculiarities of her character.
Some artists admit that their biggest critics are their parents. They can express their opinion about their creativity, but even negative comments will not be perceived poorly by children. After all, they know that their parents give feedback, wishing them well.
The smell of cookies and pizza will help: a 2-minute trick will relieve hunger
Strict and romantic: trendy multi-tiered skirts for spring 2021
A mobile payment application may appear in Russia
Unexpected questions
Of course, a person can be well prepared for a lie and think through his answers in advance. Therefore, deliberate lies are quite difficult to detect. However, if a person has prepared well and thought through the answers, then it is worth asking completely unexpected questions. He who tells the truth will find his bearings and consistently move the story forward. Whoever lies will not be able to tie ends meet.
Wants others to feel what he feels
You usually want to tell the truth to specific people whose stories are somewhat related. For example, one girl could not get married for a long time. Then, when she was already well over thirty, she was forced to agree “to the first person she met.” And this woman is unhappy because she has not met a worthy man, but must endure the unloved so as not to be left alone.
And then I meet a friend who complains that her personal life is not going well. And this woman declares: “Did you think that someone needs you at thirty? Normal men have been snapped up a long time ago.” Obviously, the friend was expecting support, but then she heard such an offensive statement. In fact, such words were addressed by the interlocutor primarily to herself; they reflected her inner pain. And she wanted her friend to feel the emotions that she was experiencing.
On the heels or toes: what calluses on the foot can tell you
Meghan 'didn't see a passport before she became a member of the family' but visited 12 countries
Research: Russians are again actively buying mining equipment
Never make excuses or confess
If you are suspected of lying, then the worst thing you can do is to start inventing more and more lies to justify yourself. If the building is shaking, then it is necessary to escape from it, and not urgently complete new floors. Therefore, respond to all accusations with proud, offended silence or switching to another topic.
As for “voluntary surrender,” this is tantamount to a direct shot in the temple. There are often situations when the truth is equally harmful for both sides and the party accusing you, just like you, despite all the harassment, would not want to hear it. Never give up, even when your back is against the wall. Stand your ground against logic, evidence and common sense.
Good liars are themselves
Under normal circumstances, human behavior remains fairly constant and predictable. Internal limitations determine which actions are characteristic of him and which are not. People are often caught lying precisely because they say or do things that are out of character for them. Parents expose their children when they change their behavioral patterns in an attempt to deceive. Husbands and wives determine lies by the “strange” actions of their partners. Unusual behavior gives rise to suspicion.
Second tip: in order to reduce the chances of being caught in a lie, you need to remain yourself. Speak and behave as you always have. This is especially important if you are deceiving those who know you well. They may quickly sense that you are out of the norm.
Why you need to tell the truth: psychology
Sometimes telling the truth is very difficult .
And sometimes the bitter truth can break someone else’s heart, cause pain or push them to desperate actions.
But psychologists have several arguments against the lie:
Threat to mental health
If a person resorts to the well-known “white lie” technique, he is digging a grave for his mental health. Even a small lie will provoke feelings of guilt.
To repentance will also be added the fear that the truth will be revealed, and the deceived person will react to the situation very negatively.
Also, a person who has resorted to lying will torment himself if the deception entails a chain of negative events.
The level of experience will depend on how taboo the lie was in the family. If, as a child, an individual learned that lying is wrong, he will acutely experience his attempt to deceive another .
Negative influence on the choice of behavioral strategy
Any information (false or true) entails certain actions.
And if you tell a person a “saving” lie, you can lead him astray and push him to an erroneous decision.
A clear example is the situation when a person, fearing to hurt the chosen one, convinces him of his love. At the same time, there are no tender feelings towards the deceived.
And an honest confession of the deceiver would help the unrequited lover to accept the unpleasant fact and move forward towards true love.
But “sweet” lies prevent people from choosing the right behavioral strategy . Those. lies define possible alternatives of behavior, while depriving them of a logical basis.
Refusal to cooperate with others
A lie is a self-built barrier between the deceiver and others .
If a person misleads someone, on a subconscious level he begins to suspect his friends and acquaintances of similar behavior.
Also, if a person lies to someone, he cannot trust the deceived person (even if the victim of a saving lie does not resort to such tricks). By misleading the interlocutor, a person breaks off contact and experiences the negativity that he associates with the deceived person.
From little lies to big deception
A person cannot lie once and then switch to the “honesty” mode.
He will have to maintain his legend so that those around him will not guess about the deception.
As a result, an innocent or saving lie will grow to incredible proportions.
Lies: why do people tell lies?
There are many reasons that force a person to lie.
Escape from difficulties
The simplest and most common of them is the desire to avoid trouble. The schoolboy convinces his parents that he lost his diary, not wanting to show his bad grade. An unfaithful husband, going to his mistress, tells his wife about overtime or an extraordinary meeting. A late employee makes up a story for his boss about a broken down bus or a traffic jam, although in reality he simply overslept. All these people are united by an unwillingness to be held accountable for their actions, which is why they lie.
Self-affirmation
Another possible goal of a liar is to attract attention. Some children love to tell their classmates how they went to America on vacation, although in reality they spent the summer in the village with their grandmother, and how they emerged victorious from a fight with a high school student. Ultimately, classmates expose the liar and begin to laugh at his stories, but for some time the child achieves the admiration of his peers.
The basic Instinct
You should not think that only children behave this way - adults can also try to impress in this way, especially on members of the opposite sex. For example, a man with such a goal may well attribute to himself a heroic past or a prestigious profession.
Reduce stress
There is also such a thing as a “white lie.” Sometimes they try to subsume this concept into an ordinary lie in order to avoid trouble - this is how people convince themselves that they are not committing a bad act, but in some cases a lie really does not bring any benefit to the person who is telling the lie. A doctor may lie to a patient, hiding the hopelessness of his condition. A friend of a deceived wife, who knows about her husband's infidelity, may hide this fact from the woman, not wanting to hurt her.
The benefit of “white lies” is questionable: the patient will still understand that his illness is incurable, the woman will one day find out about her husband’s infidelity and will suffer from the fact that she was betrayed not only by her husband, but also by her friend. Such a lie can be compared to a powerful medicine, which is used only when the benefit definitely outweighs the harm.
Confusion
Lies are not always conscious. Human memory is not a computer that stores information exactly as it was loaded. What a person remembers interacts with his life experience, attitudes, and influences of the social environment. This is how false memories are born.
During psychological experiments, subjects, under the influence of suggestion, “remembered” how they became victims of accidents that actually did not happen. This can also happen spontaneously. False memories are especially dangerous when investigating crimes, because it is very difficult to catch a person lying who is sure that he is telling the truth.
Deviations
Some mental disorders, such as Munchausen syndrome, also force people to tell lies. People suffering from this disease seek medical attention, hospitalization, skillfully feigning various illnesses and even self-mutilation. For example, one patient complained of purulent ulcers that constantly appeared on the skin. Doctors could not understand why ulcers appeared only on the left side of the body, but one day a nurse caught the patient doing a strange thing: she was pricking herself with a dirty needle. She was not left-handed, but with her right hand it was more convenient to stab into the left half.
Whatever the reason for lying, it does not bring any benefit. By telling a lie, you can only achieve a temporary resolution to a difficult situation, or rather, a pseudo-resolution.
Lying and cheating: what's the difference?
People often lie and deceive for a specific purpose - for example, to sell a product or to avoid negative consequences. But lying implies a certain disrespect towards a person. In the case of deception, the attitude towards the object of fraud can be neutral: for example, a person simply needs to receive financial benefit. That's why he deceives everyone. But at the same time, he does not harbor hatred or disdain for anyone.
Moreover, deception involves a selfish goal. And you can lie solely for the sake of self-preservation. Example:
- I had to lie that I participated in the school Olympiad. This is because if my father found out that I performed at a rock concert, he would rip my head off.
- Can not you see? He's deceiving you! You can buy a phone with features like this one for 5 times cheaper. This model is “a hundred years old”! Don’t even think about transferring money to him!
- Sorry, I lied to you. In fact, I am married and have a child. No, you didn’t just lie to me - you deceived me for 2 months (an example of using two concepts at once).
- Couldn't you just say right away that you couldn't help me? Why did you have to lie? I lost a lot of time because of you.
- Sorry, dad. I didn't mean to deceive you. But you would be horrified if you found out that your daughter was expelled from the Polytechnic and has been working as a model for 5 years now.
Lying is always a prolonged action. And deception can be short-term or even isolated. Example:
- Ivan had to lie that he was 18 years old in order to be sold alcohol in the store.
- For 10 years now, Tamara has been deceiving her husband that she cannot get pregnant. Although, in fact, she was simply afraid of ruining her figure - so she used all sorts of “tricks” to avoid getting into an “interesting position.” Like many men, Artem didn’t even know about it. He thought his wife had health problems.
As you can see, the difference between the concepts of “lying” and “deceiving” is clearly visible in the examples. It's simple, you just need to remember.
Lying is akin to being an actor
The art of lying is sometimes compared to acting. However, not all of us are actors, so not every accountant, builder or seamstress, for example, will be able to get into the role. You can resort to publicly available information with tips on how to learn to lie. But oddly enough, they do not always correspond to publications on how to recognize a liar. Therefore, we will act differently - we will use the weapons of whistleblowers in favor of those being exposed.
- To expose a liar, you need to closely observe the action of his left hand. The secret is that a right-hander, who uses his right hand more often for any task, has somehow learned to control it. The same cannot be said about the left hand - it will give away a lie by twitching, excessive gestures, straightening your hair or scratching your nose. Advice: if you want to learn to lie, learn to control both hemispheres of the brain, as well as both limbs.
- Hands generally tend to give away a liar. They are constantly trying to occupy themselves with something - covering their mouth, stroking their neck, straightening their hair, rubbing their nose. It is the continuous movement of the hands that will give away the deceiver. Tip: Place your hands in a humble position and remain still. At the very least, keep your hands away from your face.
- Incoherent speech, some hesitation in the story, changes in the pace of conversation. These are generally signs of ill-conceived or unrehearsed speech. Inventing as he goes, the liar slows down the pace, then, fearing to be discovered, speeds it up, and then, in order not to give away his intentions, slows it down again. Advice: stay calm. Before lying, think through all the details to the smallest detail and tell your story to yourself at least a couple of times.
- If a liar is asked to tell his story from end to beginning, he will certainly get confused in the facts and reveal his lie. Tip: Try telling your planned lie backwards to yourself. Be attentive to details, they will always help you look more believable.
- The eyes, as a mirror of the soul, are apparently also a reflection of intentions. That's why a liar always turns his eyes to the left and then down. By lowering not only his eyes, but also his head, the liar is intently coming up with information for you. If the interlocutor raises his eyes upward, then at that moment he tries to visualize images from visual memory. And in general, inexperienced liars try to avert their eyes to the side, so to speak, they cannot withstand the gaze of their conscience. Advice: look your interlocutor in the eyes, but not directly into the pupils, so as not to scare or arouse unnecessary suspicion, but a little higher: at the eyelashes, eyebrows, etc.
- Emotions do not always go hand in hand with lies. At least they are late. It is the discrepancy between the emotions and the story that will reveal a liar. If a friend says she is very glad to see you, but starts smiling after a few seconds, she is lying. Advice: this is exactly where acting talent comes in handy. Rehearse and rehearse again. Imagine that everything you tell is really true or could be true.
- As mentioned above, details are the key to successful lies. Therefore, a lie can be recognized either by an overly short, dry story, or by a story with the smallest details. Advice: You should not tell your interlocutor everything with which you decided to decorate your story on your own initiative. Leave details for additional questions.
- In order to make sure that the lie was successful or to convince the deceived person of this, a person can assure you with the phrases “Honestly” or “Why will I lie to you.” Advice: be confident in your abilities, do not let doubts surface. This way you will deprive your interlocutor of any reason to doubt your “truth”.
Add real facts to your story. If you are going to the bathhouse with friends, but you are lying that you will be repairing your car in the garage until nightfall, then at least tell us about those you met on the way to the garage, what they were wearing or what events they told you about. This makes the lie look more believable.
Think in advance about who might reveal your secret and take care that this doesn’t happen. Finally, think about how justified your lie is, what consequences may occur if the lie is revealed. It may be better to be determined and have an honest, serious conversation now than to invite even more problems on yourself later.
