How to learn to say “no” and feel comfortable doing it: 8 useful tips + phrases

Gain confidence in yourself

Many people are afraid to say no and feel guilty when saying “no” to loved ones, colleagues or relatives. For example, when a friend asks to pick up his parents from the train station or the airport, the person cannot refuse due to serious reasons. But, agreeing to such an assignment, he feels internal discomfort, anxiety and reluctance to act. At the same time, saying “no” is prevented by the feeling that they will stop loving you, will refuse you, or will not help you at an important moment.

According to American psychotherapist and author of the book “Self-Confidence Training” Manuel Smith, the root of the problem lies in improper upbringing. A person who was controlled by negative emotions in childhood experiences fear and embarrassment every time he does not do what others want him to do. It is easy to manipulate him, putting pressure on pity or guilt.

The bestselling author believes that the key to solving the problem is perseverance, firmness and self-confidence. Learn to assert personal boundaries. Remember, that:

• must value their time;
• you can decide for yourself how and what to spend energy and resources on;
• you have the right to your own opinion and desires;
• You don’t have to be good always and for everyone.

You don't have to do what you don't want to do. This is confirmed in the book “I Want and I Will” by the famous media psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky.

How to Learn to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: Pexels

What phrases to use to competently refuse?

So, if you still decide to say no, then you need to do it firmly and without hesitation. The following formulations are very suitable:

• “I refuse because... this will cause me a lot of inconvenience”;
• “I’m sure you can cope with this without my help”;
• “Now it will be extremely inconvenient for me to help with this”;
• “It looks like you just don’t want to bother yourself”;
• "No. To perform this work, it is better to contact ... (taxi driver, loader, plumber, etc.)"
• "I do not want to do this";
• "I don't have time for this."

So, these 7 formulations maintain the optimal balance between politeness and sufficient categoricalness, and at the same time, simple enough to refuse an inconvenient request. But in fact, what you say is not so important, what matters most is how. The main thing is that the confidence and firmness in your decision is obvious to the interlocutor, and his attempts to persuade you are not crowned with success. I think this is all clear. Now let's look at a few important rules that will help you learn to refuse without experiencing moral discomfort.

Practice saying no

Do you feel that others are taking advantage of your gentleness and compliance, but you still cannot refuse their requests? Lawyer and self-development expert Daniil Tkachenko recommends in such cases to train on small things.

Psychologist and specialist in working with fears Anna Guskova advises the same. Start saying no and turning down “safe” people:

• waiters;
• neighbors;
• store consultants;
• taxi drivers.

It is often not difficult to refuse such people, because the risk of receiving a “bonus” in the form of a hidden grudge is minimal. Use a psychologist or a loved one as a kind of simulator. However, if you really want to help a person, then do not refuse him just for the sake of an experiment.

We consolidate the acquired knowledge

Friends, if you want to continue to develop and take your communication skills with people to a new level, I recommend that you take the online course “Effective Communication” from the famous training platform “Vikium”. The course lasts 30 days, it includes 33 video lectures, 26 exercises, 6 tests.

This course will teach you:

• Manage your emotions
• Communicate more effectively with your surroundings
• Overcome difficult emotional situations
• Manage conflicts
• Understand the other person's feelings and thoughts on a deeper level
• Build harmonious relationships

The author of the course is Oleg Kalinichev. Expert in nonverbal behavior, emotional intelligence and lie detection. Accredited trainer PaulEkman International. Managing Director of PaulEkman International in Russia (PEI Russia).

Now let’s return to the topic of the article and discuss another important point.

Stop making excuses

Because they do not want to offend, people tend to agree to requests from loved ones, friends, and colleagues, and many do this to their detriment. For example, they stay late at work or spend personal time solving other people’s problems. Often the only way for them to refuse help is to lie.

By doing this, a person experiences a feeling of guilt, awkwardness, inconvenience and begins to scold himself. According to psychologist Irina Kryzhanovskaya, this leads to gradual depletion of the body.

To avoid this, stop coming up with plausible excuses and dozens of arguments for refusal, and show sincerity. Tell them directly that you have other plans for today, are too busy at work, or don’t want to deal with other people’s problems. Your “I don’t want” is in itself an excellent reason for refusal.

Types of failure

In psychology, there are several other options for politely and convincingly refusing a request.

Face-to-face consultation

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Frank

If you don’t have any justified reason for disagreement, there is no need to come up with excuses and justifications. You can briefly and clearly say: “I’m not interested in this,” “I won’t be able to find time for this.” If your opponent begins to persuade you, be persistent, defend your position until the person asking realizes that he should turn to someone else.

Sympathetic

This method is suitable when communicating with people who are accustomed to putting pressure on compassion. If you do not want to spoil a warm relationship with such a person, show your concern about the problem: “I’m really sorry, but I can’t help.”

Reasonable

This approach involves explaining the real reason that prevents you from agreeing to the service. Keep it short and to the point.

Deferred

If you know you're prone to making impulsive decisions, ask for a delay to think about your response. Tell them you'll respond later when you've reviewed your plans.

Compromise

You may not refuse at all, but offer your own conditions under which the request will be fulfilled. If they suit your interlocutor, agree. This method will allow both of you to remain in an advantageous position.

Diplomatic

Try to find a different solution to the problem together. For example: “Today I have a lot of other plans, perhaps tomorrow you will need my help?”

Suggest an alternative

One of the easiest ways to refuse a person is to offer him an alternative in the form of feasible help. At the same time, you don’t need to completely take on other people’s problems.

The “consolation prize” offered must be truly useful to the opponent. It could be:

• link to an article or book;
• specialist contacts;
• recommendations for completing a particular task;
• sample report with which you are asked to help.

It is not worth offering something just because of remorse. The main goal is to be useful, not to feel less guilty.

Problem situations

In most cases, refusal is completely justified. You shouldn't work for free on your day off or watch a movie that annoys you.

However, saying “no” in a problematic situation is much more difficult.

Example 1. There is a corporate event planned at work, and you don’t like noisy companies and parties. On the one hand - your desire. On the other hand, friendship and team unity.

Example 2. You have not loved your spouse for a long time, but do not divorce because it is convenient (status, children, acquired property, common past). How to constantly deny him sexual intimacy, vacations together, and other everyday little things that irritate him in the absence of love?

Example 3. Who should you refuse: your parents who ask you to come over on the weekend and dig up the garden at their dacha, or your boss who offers you a good part-time job on the same days?

Sometimes situations seem hopeless, but not from a psychological point of view. In fact, everything is completely solvable. You need to learn how to set priorities correctly and act in accordance with them. Make a list of what is most important to you, in descending order of importance. For example:

1. Family (wife, children).
2. Parents.
3. Health.
4. Spiritual life.
5. Job.
6. Friends.
7. Trips.
8. Self improvement.
9. Hobby.
10. Personal comfort.

A person with such a list of priorities will not wonder how to refuse colleagues a corporate party, because they are more important to him than personal comfort. He will come to terms with the fact that there is no love in marriage, and will maintain the relationship for the sake of children and status, since the family comes first for him. And, of course, he will go to dig his parents’ garden and will probably find another way to earn extra money and be able to say “no” to his boss.

Take a time out

When an opponent insists on the importance of a request, many people say “yes” under pressure. Without thinking and weighing the situation, they agree to additional work, unwanted dates and other inconveniences. It is not worth allowing such a development of events.

You are not required to respond to all inquiries and requests immediately. Release the pressure and think carefully about the issue. This is what Patty Brightman, the author of the bestselling book How to Say No Without Remorse, recommends. According to an American psychologist, you can gain time in this case by replacing a direct refusal with the phrase:

• I need to think.
• I'll check my schedule and respond later.
• First I have to discuss everything with my spouse (partner, colleagues).
• I'm busy and will call you back in a few minutes.

Say these phrases in a polite, affirmative tone. This will help cool down your opponent’s ardor and give you time to assess the situation.

How to Learn to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: Pexels

How not to do it

And now a few words about what I categorically advise against doing when you say “no” to someone.

Don't overdo it with apologies

Oh, this is my scourge. I can apologize forever. This is also why it’s so hard for me to refuse - you can convince me in no time.

It is better to avoid apologies altogether and reformulate them as thanks. For example, say “Thank you for your patience” instead of “Sorry for the wait.”

Don't go into details

Yes, you need to explain the reason for the refusal - if it is reasoned, this will smooth out the negative. But there is no need to go into details. “Sorry, but I’ve been given a lot of tasks here, and I also remembered that my dinner is not ready and the dog needs to be washed, and in general I’m very tired, because the neighbors are doing repairs all day long...” In general, you get the idea - details no one needs.

Don't give false hope

If you decide that you will refuse, say no. Don’t prevaricate, don’t promise that you’ll “try to help” if you’re not one hundred percent sure of this. This will be fair both to yourself and to the other party - if your opponent clearly understands that you cannot help, he will have time to find someone else.

Don't worry if you are required to answer immediately

There are almost no situations that cannot wait 30 minutes. If the situation is complicated, you simply cannot give an answer right away - come to terms with it. It's okay to take the time to figure it out, explore alternatives, check the calendar. So feel free to say in such a situation: “Give me a little time to think, and I will answer.”

The ability to say “no” is an important skill that can and should be learned. No matter how much you would like to help everyone, you cannot do this. You have your limits that you cannot step over. The ability to convey them, clearly set priorities, and find alternatives will make you a real team player.

And “no” will never be superfluous.

Don't think for others

Some people tend to associate the word “no” with challenge. Having heard a request from a colleague or loved one, they think for a long time about possible reactions to refusal, and scroll through dozens of options for the development of events in their heads. For example, hearing “no” in response to a request, in their opinion, a person will be offended, indignant or angry.

Practicing psychologist Mila Lyubivaya recommends abandoning such a strategy. It is much more important to evaluate your own feelings and find out:

• what do you personally think about this;
• what your soul and body say;
• is there enough time and free internal resources to fulfill the request;
• do you really want to help the petitioner;
• what feelings really drive you (shame, embarrassment, duty, love).

Answering these questions honestly will help you get rid of obsessive feelings of guilt and get to know your personality better.

Consequences of trouble-free behavior

Regardless of the reason, failure-free behavior does not bring anything good.
Constant waste of energy and time on completely unnecessary things. There is a catastrophic lack of time for personal development and interests. Fatigue becomes a constant companion. Opportunities are missed.

A feeling of guilt that inevitably arises if for some reason it is impossible to fulfill what was promised. In addition, there is a possibility of gaining fame as an extremely unreliable person.

By constantly indulging others, there is a high probability that consumerism will become the norm for others. The number of requests will inevitably grow and take even more effort and time. In addition, agreeing to help will be taken for granted.

Fear of communication: tips and examples on how to get rid of it

Become a "broken record"

When people persistently ask for help, New York Times journalist Eric Barker recommends using the “broken record” technique. First, say that you cannot help the person. When he repeats the request, giving reasons and conditions for your agreement, repeat the original answer.

Don't get angry, don't be nervous, don't raise your voice. Calmly repeat the prepared phrase. This exercise will help you develop perseverance, which is useful in all areas of life. The main thing is not to give the manipulator a chance to persuade you to take unwanted actions.

You look great, but I don't quite understand it

What to do if a friend bought a dress that, to put it mildly, doesn’t really suit her. Here the dilemma arises: “who is more friend” —

the one who will tell the truth, or the one who will say that she looks great in all her outfits?! This applies not only to appearance, but also to the choice of apartment, job and life partner, in the end.

But who are we to talk freely about fashion? If we were, for example, famous designers, then we could criticize and immediately offer several other options to choose from.

And if not? Then either tell it like it is, if you are confident in the adequacy of your girlfriend or boyfriend, or turn the arrows on some celebrity from the fashion world.

Yes, but no

Successful sales managers never say a direct “no” to clients. They refuse using softer formulations and phrases. Do the same.

Find a form of refusal that is convenient for you. Be creative and write down 10 ways to say “no” without using the word. For example, respond to a request with the phrase “With pleasure.” What would you like to remove from the list of priority tasks?”

How to Learn to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: Pexels

The ability to say “no” directly affects mood, emotional harmony and quality of life. By learning to refuse without remorse, you can not only free up your personal time. By freeing oneself from the need to carry out inappropriate tasks and ridiculous requests, a person becomes more efficient and energetic.

Original article: https://www.nur.kz/family/self-realization/1909964-kak-nauchitsya-govorit-net-bez-chuvstva-viny/

Fear of physical harm

If you cannot say no because you are afraid that you may be beaten or used physical force, then until you fight back the aggressor, he will continue to put pressure on you and take advantage of your weakness.

I had a case at school, one classmate, a little stronger than me, was harassing me. Either he would trip you up or he would constantly bully you, but I was a good boy and they told me as a child that fighting was not good, and I was afraid of a fight.

One fine day, before a math lesson, this friend began to bully me again. Well, I stuck it in his nose, so that all the floors were covered in blood. He began to cry a lot, even sobbing. He was offended and scared because he thought that I would not be able to fight back. But he was wrong.

From then on, he didn’t bully me anymore, and the other “bullies” began to respect me.

So, in this case, until you show strength, it will be difficult to escape the oppression of the offender.

By the way, usually people who threaten with physical violence are usually morally weak and therefore it is enough to give a small but decisive verbal rebuff and then everything will work out.

I’m not calling for hitting you in the face, I want to say that you should be able to give moral resistance!