If the passing infatuation is over and the passion has cooled down, then you already want to leave behind all the secret meetings with your lover, forget everything and continue to live. And it is right. You shouldn't continue a meaningless relationship. But it is not always possible to objectively assess the situation and get rid of a harmful love addiction. Therefore, a married woman should use methods that will help her return to her family, restore her relationship with her husband and increase her self-esteem.
Why relationships with your lover are meaningless
To understand this, you need to take a close look at the situation that is currently happening in your life. A careless affair on the side is quite ugly, not only from an ethical point of view, but it also has other arguments that confirm that a relationship with a lover is absolutely meaningless and useless. This may include a deterioration in relations with her husband, nervous tension, the possible collapse of family relationships, and so on.
Illusion about the future.
If a woman has a relationship with a married man who, wanting to woo her, eagerly promises everything she wants to hear, showers her with flowers and gifts. Then his promises come down to this kind: “We will definitely be together, but later,” “I will divorce my wife when the child grows up... my wife gets better...”, “The work situation will improve...” and so on and so forth. Remember, if a man wants to be with you, he will not put your relationship on hold. He will do everything to be by your side as early as possible. And if he only talks, but does nothing, it means that he is completely satisfied with this state of affairs. And for a married woman, this can destroy her family.
Why does suffering arise due to lost love?
Some people, convinced that they have found great love, for some reason suddenly lose it. For many, this turns out to be a serious trauma and turns into a deep mental crisis, which can lead to murder or suicide.
Many people suffer because of lost love. Let's consider how pathological reactions to disappointment in love differ from natural ones? Natural reactions such as loneliness and sadness are well known and most often help a person become more mature. Pathological reactions cause great harm, so you need to learn to avoid them. They arise in those who see in love not just joy, but primarily narcissistic satisfaction. Love only strengthens their narcissism, inflates their self-esteem, promotes self-admiration and self-gratification. All efforts are directed towards this.
The narcissist thinks that everything around him exists to satisfy him. This conviction begins in childhood, when he sees that his mother immediately satisfies all his needs. It begins to seem to him that she and the whole world were created only for him. Subsequently, if the mother overprotects and protects her child, he develops a feeling of omnipotence, on the basis of which narcissism develops. As he grows up, he discovers that he is not omnipotent, but this does not relieve him of the complex, the roots of which are deeply rooted in the unconscious.
To increase self-esteem, the narcissist must resort to external support, which can be called “narcissist feeding.” Love can be the best “feed” for a narcissist. For him, a love relationship means, first of all, satisfaction, so the departure of his partner causes pathological reactions in him. It seems to such a person that with the loss of his beloved he has lost life itself or that there is no point in continuing to live. This deep suffering is not due to the loss of the beloved, but to the cessation of the “feeding” that he provided.
Let's imagine a person who, like a deflated balloon, needs another person of the opposite sex to constantly inflate him. Obviously, if the partner one day refuses to do this, the person becomes devastated and feels as if he is dying. In fact, why he yearns is because of the air that allowed him to feel his own importance. Suddenly he lacks imaginary volume, he feels his insignificance, feels that life has lost its meaning - and then he wants to die. This example epitomizes the narcissist's disappointment in love. He suffers not from the loss of love, but from the loss of the “feeding” to which he is accustomed. This becomes obvious when the lost love object is easily found with a replacement that has an equivalent ability to provide such “feeding”.
Thus, suffering in love is quite relative, since it is not always possible to establish the line between true love and narcissism. You cannot suffer from the loss of something that never really existed, but existed only in the imagination. Suffering is caused by the destruction of a pleasant fantasy and a decrease in self-esteem. The only rational solution is to understand what really happened and look for support within yourself, not outside.
False feelings.
Very often, women think that they will gain nothing by starting a relationship without obligations, for the sake of ordinary sex. But, as a rule, they are wrong. The woman has a complex psyche. She cannot, like a man, forget her partner in the morning. Her feelings often become deeper, and the separation is quite difficult. Therefore, it is better to end all relations with your lover as early as possible, so that you can easily and quickly forget him.
The main mistakes of men
Let's look at the main mistakes men make when breaking up with their mistress:
- Indicating the “girlfriend” position. The wording “What do you think you are, you have no right to your opinion” has the effect of an exploding bomb.
- Disappearance without explanation. In this case, the offended mistress is capable of any tricks and revenge, which was already mentioned above.
- Avoiding frank conversation. By doing this, a man only ruins a woman’s life and gives false hopes. For a representative of the stronger sex who has decided to break up, it is much better for the former chosen one to switch to a new object of passion.
- An attempt to make a nice “farewell” present. It is acceptable to call a taxi and put the girl in the car - nothing more. There should be no flowers, expensive “trinkets” and “friendly” kisses.
If your hopes come true. What's next.
If a woman nevertheless managed to take her lover away from the family and become his legal wife, then she should be prepared for the fact that the period when she received a huge number of gifts and had freedom will quickly end. In addition, we cannot exclude the possibility of a repetition of the situation that your chosen one’s wife had to endure. You'll have to be on your guard all the time.
Can such a lover be trusted?
If you are in a relationship with a married man, then think twice about whether you can trust him. After all, in fact, he is betraying his wife by dating you. Yes, he may have developed feelings and is uncontrollably attracted to a new woman. But then he should first divorce his wife, and then enter into a new relationship. Otherwise it will be a betrayal of a loved one. By the way, if you do develop a serious relationship with him, then be prepared for the fact that he may leave you for another, more interesting woman.
The role of temperament during a breakup
Temperament influences behavior in different life situations.
Each type has features:
- Choleric people approach relationships pragmatically and do not consider creating a family their main goal. They study a potential partner for a long time, looking for similarities in interests and outlook on life. Such people rarely fall in love, but they leave the relationship quite painfully and become strongly attached; due to frequent changes in mood, they are able to abruptly break off ties, even if they regret it.
- Sanguine people primarily look for a friend in a partner and strive for variety; they tend to fall in love often. They do not strive for constant control over their chosen one, they are generous with attention, and love to give gifts. Feeling discomfort in a relationship, sanguine people quickly pull away and easily leave.
- Phlegmatic people see their partner as a helper and choose with their mind, not their heart. They seek traditional relationships and predictability, value accepted moral principles highly, take relationships seriously, and are slow to let people approach you. Phlegmatic people leave after carefully weighing all the pros and cons and justifying the decision.
- Melancholic people are the most sensitive of all types. These people value romance, devote themselves completely to new relationships, become emotionally attached to their partner, and make sacrifices and concessions. They idealize their partners, have high expectations and are often disappointed, and they endure separation hard, do not let go of feelings for a long time and cannot hide them.
How to love your husband again
If you have come to the realization that your relationship with your lover does not promise you anything good, then a reassessment of your relationship with your husband begins. You want him to love you again. And, if your family has not yet suffered from your frivolous behavior, then consider yourself lucky. Now your task is to restore the favor and former feelings of your spouse. And for this:
- Understand how important your husband is to you. What connects you and how much you have experienced together;
- Remember the beginning of your relationship, how you were in love and how you felt at that moment. Look at your husband, perhaps you will see the same qualities again;
- Try to spend more time with your spouse and pay attention to his positive sides;
- Try to compare him with other males, and find those features that make him stand out among them;
- Give yourself the attitude that in the future you will never cheat on your husband, and be completely honest with him. But this does not mean that you should admit to cheating, as you may lose your husband;
- Start restoring your spiritual relationship with your husband. Tell him about your experiences and listen carefully to his;
- Change your relationship with your husband sexually. Let them flirt and coquetry. Act as if he is your lover.
When the reason is your mistress
There are women who are truly different from the rest. Men are afraid to lose them and won’t let them go. Temperamental beauties have a special attractive aura or know how to manipulate men so much that they simply lose their heads and only the remnants of prudence do not allow them to abandon their legitimate family and follow the enchantress into the sunset. In this case, responsibility for the extramarital affair lies with them.
Causes pity
Homewreckers often use the famous “damsel in distress” pattern - and men willingly fall for it. This may be the reason that a married person does not dare to break off an affair. After all, his secret lover is so helpless - and all the other men only used her, and she cannot cope with everyday life alone, and the evil people around her constantly strive to offend her. How can you abandon a fragile little girl in a huge, cruel world? Next to her, anyone will feel like a knight saving a defenseless lady.
Causes feelings of guilt
A woman enters into a relationship with a married man for various reasons. There are many women who, due to their age, try to have time to give birth to a child for themselves from a handsome and intelligent man. If she manages to get pregnant, the cheater may continue to date her out of guilt.
Threatens and blackmails
Despite the title of the weaker sex, there are real predators among women. If they feel that a man’s heart is starting to float out of his hands, they use all available means. If the carrot doesn't work, let's use the stick. Such mistresses collect incriminating evidence in advance and actively use it when trying to break up. Those who have developed a passion at work are especially at risk of falling into this trap.
Pursues
In an effort to win a man over to their side, homewreckers do not allow him to forget about himself: they flood his messengers with thousands of messages, force meetings, and may even come to his home. If she works in the same organization with her lover, she literally takes up residence in his office. Of course, she does this without pressure, trying not to scare off with her persistence. Sometimes it works: a man submits to the gentle bonds and does not let go.
What should a married woman do to get rid of memories of her lover?
It often happens that a woman has already ended her relationship with her lover, but she cannot forget him. What to do?
Setting goals
Understand that your life cannot revolve only around your ex-lover. Think about your goals, dreams and desires that you wanted to fulfill. Switch your attention to them. Your future life depends only on you. Look at past relationships as life experiences that made you smarter.
Remove from your environment everything that reminds you of your ex-lover.
Surely, after the end of the relationship, you still have some things, photographs or memories of how good it was for you. And now all this haunts you and brings you back again and again to the time when you felt good and prevents you from forgetting about your lover. Therefore, get rid of everything that connects you with that relationship: gifts, photos, correspondence, delete all his numbers and unfollow his accounts.
Don't do any soul-searching.
If your feelings for your lover were deep enough, then it will be difficult for you to come to terms with the loss. And there will be a danger of immersing yourself in yourself, starting to feel sorry for yourself and delving into your feelings. Don't let this happen. Call your friends, go somewhere. In general, try by all means to cheer yourself up and take your mind off thoughts about past relationships.
Stages of separation that a person goes through
To find out how to survive a breakup with minimal consequences, you need to determine what stage the person is at. Psychologists distinguish 5 stages:
- denial of the situation;
- disturbance;
- bargaining (an attempt to restore relations);
- depression;
- humility (acceptance of the situation).
To recover from a breakup, you need to make sure that you are not fixated on one of the stages. Only moving forward will help you survive the emotional shock and open up new opportunities. The characteristic features of each stage will help you understand this.
Stage of rejection of reality
After a breakup, a person is not ready to abruptly accept the fact that the relationship has ended. The situation is aggravated by stress.
The main signs of this stage are:
- acute attacks of panic (neuroses, anxiety);
- disappointment in life;
- despair (melancholy, stupor);
- lack of sleep or, conversely, sleeping all day long;
- loss of appetite.
Even if a woman has proposed a breakup, it is difficult for her at this stage to explain to herself that this is better.
The prolonged stage of non-acceptance indicates the presence of fear of experiencing bitter mental torment. To survive this period, you need:
- Soberly assess the current situation that led to such drastic actions.
- It is important to live in a familiar rhythm, not to be afraid of routine and not to plunge headlong into unimaginable adventures. But a moderate search for interests won't hurt.
Don't be afraid to turn to loved ones for support. It is easier to survive a breakup with your beloved married man together than alone.
Stage of indignation and anger
Denial is replaced by emotionally strong feelings. But along with them comes awareness of the situation. This stage passes quickly, but it is characterized by bright and expressive manifestations. Among the most common bouquet of feelings at this stage are:
- anger;
- resentment;
- guilt;
- aggression;
- irritation.
To survive this stage, you need to carefully control your actions, otherwise you will later bitterly regret actions taken in a fit of emotion.
READ Psychology of relationships between a man and his mistress: reasons and features of a forbidden relationship
Bargain
During this period, the initiator of the breakup may regret what he did. The fear of moving on without a lover gives rise to attempts to renew the relationship. Trading may be accompanied by thoughts:
- “I was in a hurry”;
- “I am ready to forgive”;
- "I won't survive."
It is important to understand that the return of your ex-lover will not change the situation. Awareness of this will help you survive the exciting moment.
Depression
After accepting a breakup, women often become depressed. Psychologists believe that this period is the most difficult of all. There is a high risk of suicide. Depression is accompanied by apathy. It can take root in all areas - work, study, hobbies, family, friends.
Concentrating on people and activities that are dear to your heart will help you survive a dangerous period of time. You need to remember all the hobbies that made you happy before meeting your lover.
If this stage drags on, a psychotherapist will help you get through this difficult situation.
Humility
After depression comes the stage of accepting reality. This is where building a new happy life begins.
The stage is characterized by the following metamorphoses:
- the story with the lover is a thing of the past;
- thoughts about an ex-man are replaced by more significant plans every day;
- there is a desire to move forward without a lover;
- the psyche was able to survive all stages of separation and begins to learn to live with the new experience of the former relationship.
When your soul becomes easy, it is important to believe in yourself and your strength.
