We often ask ourselves a similar question: “Is it possible to change a person?”
We all have that friend - the person in our lives about whom we always say: “If only he...”. From month to month, from year to year - we love them, care for them, worry about them, but when we turn off the light or hang up the phone, we think to ourselves: “If only he...”. Maybe this is your relative. He may be depressed. Or his heart was broken. Or he's depressed. Maybe he doesn't believe in himself. But every time you see him, you try to fill him with love and confidence, you compliment his new Spiderman T-shirt and sing the praises of his new super haircut. You inadvertently admire him and give him some unsolicited advice, recommend a book or two, but think to yourself: “If only he believed in himself...”
Or it could be a friend. He can constantly get into trouble somewhere. Or drink. Or deceive your partner. Or constantly spend all your savings on a strange hobby, for example, karting. You pull him out of it and have a heart-to-heart talk, as good old comrades should. Or maybe you offer to look at the bank balances or even give them loans - and more than once. But in the meantime, in the back of your mind there is a phrase:
“If only he would pull himself together...”
Or it could be even worse. This could be your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. Or even worse - your ex-husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend. It may have been over for a long time, but you still continue to hope that this person will somehow change. As if there was some special information they missed that would change everything. Maybe you even buy them books they never read. Or drag them to a doctor they don't want to go to. Or maybe at two in the morning you record tearful voicemails like:
“Why am I not good enough for you?!!?”
Well yeah, as if that ever worked...
We all have someone like that in our lives. It hurts to love him. But losing him also hurts. So we decide that the only way to save this neurotic is to somehow change him.
"If only he..."
This spring, at the end of my meetings with readers, I conducted short blitzes from the “Question and Answer” series. And always in every city at least one person stood up, told his story at length and confusedly, and then asked: “How can I get him/her to change? If only he would do this and that, everything would be easier.”
You cannot force a person to change.
And in every situation my answer was the same: no way.
Is it possible to change a person by your example?
Of course, you can inspire him to change with your experience. You can push him by telling him something. You can support him in his endeavors. But you can't force him to change. And this is all because forcing someone to do something, even for their own good, implies either coercion or manipulation.
To do this, you need to intervene in life in such a way that boundaries are violated, which then harms the relationship - in some cases, more harm than good. Often broken boundaries go unnoticed because they are violated in the name of good.
Is it possible to change a person without manipulation?
Vasya lost his job. Now he's lying on his mom's couch, crushed and feeling sorry for himself every day. And then mom starts sending out his resume. She also starts yelling at Vasya, calling him names and accusing him of being a loser. Maybe she'll even throw his gaming console out the window, just to give him another motivational kick. And if the mother's intentions are completely good, then to many this act may seem like a dramatic and at the same time noble manifestation of tough love, but this type of behavior will ultimately have the opposite effect.
This is a violation of boundaries.
This is taking responsibility for the actions of another person and his emotions, and even if all this is done with the best intentions, violating boundaries still destroys the entire relationship.
If you look from the other side. Vasya feels sorry for himself. He is trying to find at least some meaning in life in this cruel and heartless world. And then suddenly his mother comes and smashes his game console to pieces, which literally yesterday she herself went and looked for a job for him. Not only does this not solve Vasya’s problem with his belief that the world is cruel and heartless, and he has no place in it, but it is also further proof for him that there is something fundamentally wrong with him. After all, if Vasya wasn’t so bad, he wouldn’t need his mother to go and look for a job for him, would he?
Instead of learning that, “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with this world and I can handle it,” the lesson is, “Yeah, I’m a grown man who still needs his mommy to do everything for him.” I always knew there was something wrong with me.”
This is how our best intentions to help someone turn into complete failure.
Is it possible to change a person without violating his boundaries?
You cannot force another person to be confident or respect themselves or take responsibility - because the means that you use for this destroy this very confidence, and with it respect and responsibility.
Is it possible to change a person without taking responsibility for his life?
In order for a person to truly change, he must feel these changes within himself, choose them himself and control them. Otherwise, all this makes no sense.
The most common criticism of my work is that, unlike many other self-help authors, I do not tell people what to do. I don’t lay everything out on the shelves from A to Z, and I don’t give out dozens of tasks at the end of every damn chapter.
But I don't do this for one simple reason: I can't decide what's right for you. I don't get to decide what will make you the best version of you. Yes, even if I could, the fact that I would be telling you what to do instead of you telling yourself what to do would deprive you of all the emotional benefits.
People who are drawn into the “help yourself” world actually live in it, because they are chronically incapable of taking responsibility for their own choices.
Millions of people float through life, looking around - in search of an ideal or a company or a set of principles - with the help of which they would know exactly what to think, what to do, and what to give up on. But the problem is that any value system will eventually fail. And any definition of success will ultimately turn into stupidity. And if you are dependent on other people's values, then from the very beginning you are doomed to feel lost and non-unique.
So if someone like me comes on stage and tells you that for half of your savings he will take charge of your life, telling you what to do and what to value, then he should add that “I’m not only I will perpetuate your original problem, but I will also kill you by doing this.”
People who have experienced psychological trauma, who have been abandoned, humiliated, or felt lost, have been able to survive this pain by relying on a worldview that promises them hope. But until such people learn to generate this hope for themselves, choose these very values and take responsibility for their own experience, nothing will help them truly heal.
For some, intervention and words like, “Hey, here are my valuables on a silver platter. Should I add some fries? only perpetuate the problem, even if it is all done with good intentions. (Objection: Active intervention in someone's life may be necessary if the person is a danger to themselves or others. When I say danger, I mean real danger - drug overdose, unpredictability, violence, or hallucinations that they are living with Charlie at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.
How can you help people?
That is, if you can't force someone to change because interfering in their life and passing the buck for their choices will eventually backfire, then what can you do? Is it possible to change a person? How to help?
Lead by example
Anyone who has ever experienced a significant change in their life has noticed a ripple effect in their relationships. You stop drinking and going to parties, and then your drinking friends decide that you're ignoring them or that you're kind of "too good" for them. But perhaps, suddenly, at least one of all these party-goers will think: “Damn, maybe I should quit too?” and will jump out of this party boat with you. And this will happen not because you intervened and said: “Hey, dude, stop drinking on Tuesdays,” but simply because you yourself stopped drinking, and this inspired others.
Instead of giving answers, ask the right questions
Once you realize that by dumping our answers on others, we immediately sabotage the benefits of those same answers.
Is it possible to change a person with the right questions?
You must realize that the only way to help a person is to ask the right questions. Instead of saying, “You should fight for a raise,” you can say, “Do you think you are being paid fairly?”
Instead of saying, “Stop putting up with your sister's behavior,” you can say, “Do you feel responsible for your sister's bad behavior?”
Instead of saying, “Stop pooping in your pants—it's gross,” you can say, “You know what a toilet is, right? Would you like me to show you how to use it?”
Asking people questions is difficult. This requires patience. And mind. And tact. But that's why perhaps it's so useful. When you pay a psychiatrist, you're really just paying to ask the right questions. This is why some people find psychiatry "helpful" - because they think the specialist has the answer to all their problems, but all they get is more questions.
Offer unconditional help
This doesn't mean you can't give people answers. But these answers must be found by themselves. There is a huge difference between me when I say, “I know what will be best for you,” and you when you come to me and say, “What do you think will be best for me?”
Is it possible to change a person by respecting his choice?
Some respect your autonomy and will. But others don't. So, often the best thing you can do is simply make it clear that you are available if the person needs you.
Classic: “Listen, I know you’re going through a tough time right now. If you ever want to talk, let me know."
But it can be more specific. Several years ago, one of my friends had problems with his parents. Instead of giving him advice or telling him what to do, I simply told him about some of what I thought were similar problems that I had had with my parents in the past. My goal was not to force my friend to take my advice or do what I did or even give a damn about what I had.
Without long foreplay
It is impossible to change a person if he himself does not want it. Dot. But a person can definitely change himself.
A drug addict can be helped if he himself understands that life is going downhill. Lovelace can return to the family if he himself understands family values. A woman will be able to become independent, and not childish, in marriage if she herself comes to the realization that she needs to “grow up.”
How to change a person?
But it is necessary to qualify the circumstances that may affect a person.
Where to begin
There are no ways to change something about yourself quickly and painlessly. Miracle remedies that allow you to instantly eradicate bad habits or acquire positive ones have not yet been invented. The desire to change oneself and one’s life achieves success only when certain efforts and work are made to achieve the goal.
To begin with, it’s a good idea to understand what exactly doesn’t suit you about yourself, what prevents you from living. You need to find out what good or bad qualities you have, and why they may be needed. You should choose those that prevent you from changing the most and which you need to get rid of first.
Trying to get rid of all bad habits and qualities at once is not worth it - this is an impossible task. The positive qualities that exist in every person are worth developing and cultivating, just like a gardener cares for flowers. Even if freed from weeds, roses will not smell fragrant if you don’t take care of them - just like our virtues need care.
Algorithm of actions
- There must be an understanding of what traits need to be developed.
- Engage in replacement. It will be difficult for a person to get rid of something right away. First you need to try to minimize the manifestation of bad traits.
- Find something to emulate.
- A person who seeks to change must have some kind of motive, and a fairly strong one. For example, when a family collapses due to a man’s rude behavior.
What is human character?
The character of a person is a certain set of qualities and properties of a person that influences all the actions and manifestations of that person.
It determines this or that way of life and behavior.
In psychology, character is considered from the following points of view:
- as a system of stable motives and modes of behavior that form a certain behavioral type of personality,
- as a clearly defined definition of typical human behavior,
- as a measure of the balance of the external and internal worlds, a feature of a person’s adaptation to the surrounding reality.
A person’s character is also understood as a combination of the following groups of personality traits:
- A person's attitude towards other people and society as a whole . These include responsiveness, sociability, respect for others and isolation, rudeness, and contempt.
- A person's attitude towards work. These include hard work, initiative, perseverance and laziness, irresponsibility, passivity.
- A person's attitude towards himself . These include self-esteem, self-criticism, modesty and vanity, resentment, and selfishness.
- A person's attitude towards things. This includes neatness, care and sloppiness, negligence.
Take the test and find out about your character:
Strive for awareness
No normal person wants to do bad things or behave inappropriately on purpose. The reason for such behavior is always unawareness. Even a person who says to himself “I want to get rid of excessive suspicion” cannot do this at a critical moment, because the feeling that arises seems natural to him. Therefore, in addition to understanding the problem as a whole, it is important to learn to recognize its symptoms at the moment they appear.
This is where you will need the help of your loved ones. Set a code word, such as "attic". Every time you start to go too far, a loved one says the word “attic” - you get a signal that it’s time to slow down.
Positive thinking
The usefulness of positive thinking has long been recognized by everyone and does not require additional evidence, but complaints about life, people, and the weather have not decreased. Priest Will Bowen, after long observation of people's behavior, concluded that their thoughts, which influence emotions, feelings and actions, depend on people's statements.
For those who wanted to make changes in their lives, the priest advised them to wear an ordinary bracelet and live without gossip, complaints, or irritation for three weeks. In the case when a person forgot himself and said negative words, he put the bracelet on his other hand and began counting down the days again. The experiment continued until the bracelet remained on one hand for three full weeks.
The method proposed by an ordinary priest turned out to be very effective - the participants in the experiment changed a lot. Living without complaints made people, from the moment they woke up, realize that they should not speak out about negative things, and the best way to refrain from this is to learn to notice all the positive things in themselves and the world that surrounds them.
The test participants learned self-control over thoughts and words, but without the ability to control oneself, one cannot change for the better. In addition, during the experiment, everyone learned a lot about themselves and their thinking.
Age adjustment
I would also like to dwell on the age of changes. It cannot be denied that the younger a person is, the easier it is to change. Of course, you shouldn’t forget about this either.
- Until the age of 18, when you are still a child or teenager, changes are easier, and this is where you can influence.
Education can correct some aspects. It will probably be impossible to completely change some character traits. And a child is an individual, it is also important to remember this.
- From 18 to 28, changes also occur more easily.
At this point, the person may be influenced by the new environment. At this stage, people enter educational institutions, someone gets married, children are born, and jobs change. During this time period, the worldview is formed, but it may also be subject to changes, which will be easier.
- "Middle age crisis".
Photo by Dellon Thomas: Pexels
This period should be considered separately. At this stage, changes can occur very strong. Everyone experiences this stage differently. And if for some the changes may be drastic, then for others they will not be so obvious. And there will be no obvious desire for change.
- From 40 and older.
During this age period it is most difficult for a person to change. I already have life experience and my own views on many things. Values and worldviews have been formed, so there may be no desire to radically change something and change oneself, or the process will be difficult. And only, again, with strong motivation.
I would also like to note that character changes throughout life. Sometimes we may like it, sometimes we may not, but this process is inevitable. No one has ever remained the same as when they were 18. This, unfortunately, is impossible.
Re-education through self-control
It is important to be able to control your emotions
A person can change his character and learn to control himself. What needs to be done for this?
- Be able to switch attention. As soon as temptation appears, you must immediately start thinking about something else.
- There is no need to act on a whim, to act spontaneously. All decisions must be balanced and thoughtful.
- It is important to train a general model of behavior. A person must find out in which areas he will have to work on himself. You must understand that you can influence your character traits, but you cannot change what depends on the interaction of two or more people. For example, becoming an excellent husband will not be possible without the participation of the woman you love.
- It is important to be able to conduct introspection, determine your needs and desires, and goals in life. After conducting introspection, think about what kind of people are around. If in one of them you see traits that you yourself would like to possess, be in the company of these people more often.
- You also need to work on your complexes and fears, learn to make independent decisions.
