Different ways to make peace with your mother after a strong quarrel

To quarrel with your mother means to make one of the most serious mistakes in your life. It would seem that there is nothing so terrible about this: every day we communicate with different people with whom we can have a nice conversation, argue, conflict, be friends or compete. Such relationships are natural for individuals in society. However, is it just as natural to quarrel with your mother, who is your dearest and closest person? Of course not. For a mother, an exception must always be made in everything. What to do if you seriously offended your mother? How to make peace with your mother and never repeat your mistakes again?

What to do?

First of all, analyze the situation. Why did the conflict happen? Think about whether you had the opportunity to avoid such a development of events or whether it was absolutely not in your power.

Don’t rush to get angry with your mother, assess the state of affairs from several angles. Imagine yourself in your mother’s place: what feelings would you experience if you were in this situation instead of her?

Don't try to make excuses. It is likely that you are not the culprit of the conflict, but you should not rush to justify yourself. As practice shows, any quarrel makes all its participants guilty. Think about what happened and you will understand that you are also to blame for the conflict, probably even more than you think.

Be patient. Most often, after a conflict breaks out, people who value each other reproach themselves for intemperance and torment themselves with the question of what could have been done to avoid leading to a quarrel.

Most likely, your mother is also worried now, and not so much because of the cause of the quarrel, but because of the fact that there was a quarrel at all. Offer to talk about what happened, only calmly, without unnecessary emotions or complaints. Do not impose your point of view, listen to all her arguments.

Even if what your mother says is absurd or unfair to you, remain calm. After reviewing her position, express your opinion. If your mother can’t control herself and gets angry or interrupts you, tell her that you will continue the conversation with her when she calms down and gets rid of unnecessary emotions.

Even if you don’t accept your mother’s position on a particular issue, at least give her the opportunity to express her opinion

Be proactive. To soften the situation, do not demonstrate how offended you are, do not ignore your mother’s requests for help, even if you have quarreled. If she asks you to help, don't refuse. Also, volunteer to do things around the house.

Who do we most often bear a grudge against and how to get rid of this feeling? 6 steps of “Total Forgiveness Technique”

When can you intervene?

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Reluctance to seek professional help may be due to: financial problems, lack of faith that a psychologist can help. Another possible option is when one of the spouses insists on using professional help, and the other does not see the need for this, like “We’ll figure it out ourselves!” We are our own psychologists!”

In such cases, it is important for close people to become an arbitrator for a married couple who will take an unbiased position and provide objective assistance aimed at preserving the family union.

You probably already understood what you were led to: you’re right! In this case, you will become a psychologist for parents. And so that you are not a layman who acts intuitively, your electronic psychologist friend, that is, this article, will help you!

Reconciliation in various situations

It is very difficult to even think that a situation could happen or you would do something for which your mother will never forgive you. The mother's suffering is caused not by the fact that her daughter disobeyed her, but by the fact that her daughter does not want or cannot understand her. You, too, suffer due to misunderstanding.

If after a serious conflict she does not want to talk

Be engaged in choosing a suitable place for reconciliation. Please note that third parties will be superfluous there. Since only the two of you took part in the conflict, then only you, and not someone else, should solve the problem. An exception can be made for close relatives if they were somehow offended by your behavior.

Determine the right time so that neither you nor your mother are distracted from the conversation. Take into account your mother's condition - if she is tired, irritated or in a hurry to run errands, it is better to reschedule the conversation for another time. In a word, the conditions for reconciliation must be ideal.

First of all, apologize to your mother, then begin to explain what caused your actions. Naturally, words about forgiveness should not be a favor or condescension. Surely your mother wants to hear that you sincerely repent and are sorry. A formal apology will only complicate the relationship.

If you are to blame for the conflict

If you admit your guilt, consider that you have done half the job. Now the main thing is to convince your mother that you realized that you were wrong and are full of remorse and regret for the conflict that occurred.

Try to explain what caused your actions, why you did not behave differently, and what you would do if you found yourself in similar circumstances.

Make it clear that you admit your mistake, not only verbally, but also through actions. Of course, there is no need to shower your mother with gifts; it is not a fact that this will be the right option. It would be more like bribery. Show more attention, take care of her, devote more time, help her even in the most insignificant matters.

Ask a direct question what you should do to correct the situation. Most likely, your mother will give you an exact answer about what she is offended by and what actions she expects from you to correct the situation in which you both find yourself. If it is impossible to fulfill the conditions put forward to her, try calmly and adequately, like two adults, to come to a compromise that will leave you both benefiting.

Make a promise that you will try not to make similar mistakes in the future. Agree, the ideal option would be your desire and decision to really act in such a way as not to upset your mother.

Mother's guilt

If you see your mother’s wrong, first make sure you are not assessing her behavior and words too subjectively. Imagine yourself in your mother’s place, understand what led her to the wrong opinion? Perhaps you yourself are somehow to blame for this?

Aggression or dissatisfaction will not contribute to a positive result; it is unlikely that you will improve relationships in such a state. Repeat to yourself that your goal is not to convince your mother that you are right, but the more important thing is to come to agreement and reconciliation. Call your mom for a frank conversation, discuss what happened in a calm atmosphere and each share your point of view regarding your quarrel and the reasons that led to it.

The best tips on how to make peace with a friend after a big fight

Appease mom or beautiful forgive

Write a poem (your own or one you can find on the Internet)

Of course, most mothers are very sensitive to signs of attention from their children. If you need to apologize to your mother, then you are unlikely to seriously correct the situation with poems - first, it is advisable to talk frankly and admit your mistakes. But a poem for a “fixing effect” can be very effective. If you are a creative person, then perhaps it will not be difficult for you to write your own poem for your mother. Is this mission still too much for you? Then you can choose a suitable verse with an apology on the Internet.

Give a bouquet of flowers

Many women love flowers, and your mother is probably no exception. Surely, even a small bouquet of her favorite flowers will cheer her up. If it is customary in your house to care for perennial plants, then perhaps she will be even more delighted to have a flower in a pot. Most likely, you know your mother's tastes, and you can choose a bouquet to suit her taste.

Invite you to a cozy coffee shop for a conversation

Perhaps you and your mother periodically visit your favorite coffee shop? In this case, this establishment may be a great place for reconciliation! However, if you usually don’t go to a cafe with your mother, then there is a good reason to change this.

Make a collage of your photos together

Of course, your mother will be glad to receive your attention, and a collage with joint or personal photographs may be quite appropriate. Such a step may not be regarded as the main apology, but the collage may well become the “finishing touch”. Choose your mom's favorite photos - it's possible that she forgot about many of them, and she will be pleased to relive the memories.

Have an interesting time together

Many parents believe that grown-up children are very immersed in their own personal lives and practically do not devote time to their family. Admit it, this is often what happens. You can always fix this by spending time with your mother. You can do this in different ways - go to the cinema, watch a good movie at home, cook a delicious dish together and much more!

What to do if you can’t find a common language?

Coming to an understanding with parents is sometimes very difficult, but you should not give up trying to be heard and understood.

Correct behavior will help reduce conflicts to a minimum, which will be beneficial for both parents and teenagers.

To do this, you need to follow a few tips:

Focus on what you can influence. Don’t blame your mother, it’s better to think about what ways you can try to achieve peace in the family. Most often, a quarrel begins not because of specific parental words, but because of how the child reacts to these words. If you discuss any situation calmly, you may not lead to a quarrel.
Learn to listen to what they say to you, including criticism. Make it clear that you are willing to accept another point of view. In this case, mom will do the same.
Remember that you and your parents are always one team. Even if they say mean things, it's because they want the best for you. Imagine controversial situations like a game of tennis, only the ball is stubbornness and unwillingness to agree with the opinion of another: the more you hit this ball, the longer the game will drag on.
Put yourself in the shoes of a mom or dad, imagine that you are solving a problem with your children.
Know how to show obedience, develop a calm tone with which you will express your disagreement. It is possible that in some situations it is easier to make concessions than to complicate them by demonstrating your stubbornness, which will not lead to positive changes.
Prove to your mom that you are an adult with logical thinking. For example, if you make a promise, be sure to keep it and do not neglect your responsibilities - this applies not only to household chores, but also to studies.

Reasons for constant quarrels

Typically, disagreements arise for the following reasons:

Reluctance to obey. Parents often point out to their children the need to obey the rules existing in the house, since younger family members are completely dependent and are not able to solve issues on their own. Popular phrase: “my house, my rules.” Such a harsh position can cause a desire to rebel, to demonstrate one’s own autonomy and independence: coming home late, refusing to do homework, ignoring phone calls, etc.
Financial disagreements .
The reluctance or inability of parents to pay all the child’s requests can lead to serious disputes, as well as the child’s inability to competently manage the pocket money given to him. For example, funds intended to pay for school meals during the week are spent on going to the cinema.
Distribution of household duties . A teenager may be assigned a number of simple household responsibilities: cleaning his room, vacuuming the apartment, throwing out trash, etc. Reluctance to carry out such tasks and constant avoidance of them become a reason for conflicts.
Low academic performance . Complete indifference to school, absenteeism, comments from teachers, all this greatly upsets mothers.
Appearance. Demonstration of independence can also manifest itself in extreme experiments of a teenager with his appearance. Not every woman will be happy to see that her child has dyed his hair blue or gotten a temporary tattoo on his face.
Friends.
Parents always pay attention to those with whom their child communicates. If the circle of acquaintances is suspicious, they make efforts to protect the child from such communication. Such interference in personal life is regarded not as concern, but as disrespect.
Closedness . Often the reason for quarrels lies in the reluctance to share your experiences and problems with your mother. Complete ignorance of what is happening in the life of a son or daughter makes a woman worry, which negatively affects communication.

Active cooperation

Relations should move into the stage of active cooperation. You do not instruct, but suggest, do not order, but recommend. Let it all look like your teenager came up with the right decision himself, and you were only the guiding force.

A similar situation is recommended in matters of reconciliation after conflict. Offer your offended child an exchange of roles - let him imagine himself in your place in those conditions when your emotions went over the edge. Could he have behaved differently? Let him offer his model of behavior in this situation. Help him feel what you experienced.

Another tip is to use the child’s own name more often in conciliatory conversations. And not complete - it makes your speech coldly official, but not diminutive - then the child will think that you are flirting, “lisping.” The usual - Tanya, Kolya, Sasha - will sound trusting and inviting.

A few general recommendations that are suitable for children of almost any age:

Begin your conciliatory conversation by sharing a similar episode in your life. As a rule, such stories arouse keen interest among our children. You can also slightly “adjust” the plot, bringing it as close as possible to the real situation that happened to you and your child. Let him understand that you also experienced something similar with your parents, but you understood, and most importantly, you forgave them.
Occasionally, if the child is especially offended and does not make contact, try to sound a little sick. The sympathy and compassion that the child will probably experience for you, his care, participation and desire to help will become the psychological bridge between you that will help restore the relationship. The main thing is not to overdo it and use this method in exceptional cases.
The technique of “mirror behavior” helps a lot. Observe what your offended child is doing, how your offended child is sitting, and try to behave in the same way, copying his actions. Just not in a comical, parody style, but as naturally as possible, as if by accident. This will certainly encourage your child to further contact, and therefore to reconciliation.

And finally, I will repeat once again - only your sensitivity, attentiveness and endless love for your child will help you correctly comprehend this complex science of educating the human personality!

Victoria Zueva

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Attitude towards mother - positive and negative emotions

No matter how you deny it, no matter how much you resist these words, giving your examples and arguments, the fact remains unchanged - everything that you are, it all originates in the family.

your way of thinking and style of thinking in general,
your culture and education,
your problem-solving style;
your relationship strategy with the opposite sex,
the whole style of your life,

it all starts in the family, and you copy everything you saw in childhood, without realizing it. It turns out that this quarrel might not have happened if you had realized that the root of your problems lies in your copying your parent’s style

What irritates us most in a person, no matter whether he is close to us, or whether you have a casual acquaintance? Psychologists believe that it is precisely those qualities inherent in ourselves that we do not like in others. Don’t rush to prove otherwise, it’s better to look deeper into yourself

Perhaps you carefully hide these very qualities from everyone. It turns out that when you quarrel with your mother, you are fighting with your own reflection. There is only one way out of this vicious circle: you need to realize it, accept it, and build your future life taking into account the conclusions received. Understand that in the person of your mother, life gives you the opportunity to work on yourself and understand something very important. It is not possible to suggest what exactly it is - everyone has their own, and only their own, lesson. One thing is certain, as soon as you understand this, your conflict will come to naught, and the problem of “how to make peace with your mother if I am to blame” will never confront you again.

Tip #3: Calm down first, figure it out later

Rarely does a family manage to avoid domestic conflicts. Even an adult who knows how to control his reactions can be enraged by a mere trifle - an unclosed tube of toothpaste, an unwashed mug.

Moreover, children will continue to compete for parental attention, for the opportunity to play with some kind of toy.

It is necessary to understand and accept that domestic disputes were, are and will be. The best thing you can do during arguments with loved ones is not to let your irritation take over your mind. If you feel like you might lose your temper, step aside and count to 10. Usually this is enough to calm down. After this, you can continue an adequate and constructive conversation. Kids will see that adults are making an effort not to offend each other, and they will follow this example.

You can organize a “calm corner” at home, where children and adults can go to cope with an outburst of anger. This will help you create a calm and friendly environment at home in which children should grow up.

Read also: What should I do if I constantly yell at my child?

Say it differently

Watching people, I am surprised: they want to get different results when performing the same action. For example, a person said something, but did not receive the desired reaction. He repeats the same thing, but louder. It doesn't work again.

For the third time he screams. As if the louder, the clearer. Perhaps, if there was no effect the first time, it is worth reformulating the message? Draw a diagram, show a video, find a ready-made example?

How to learn to reformulate? And you already know how. Let's make sure of this.

Imagine that you need to tell a group of children in kindergarten the fairy tale “Turnip”, and in such a way that it will be remembered for a lifetime. What does that require? Repeat the text a hundred times? I'm afraid the children will hate the fairy tale. This happens with some knowledge that is given at school - the teacher simply repeats the same thing a hundred times, but there is no effect.

Let's try it differently:

You can read the story.
Draw a comic.
Put on a performance.
Make a model from plasticine.
Make a cartoon.
Watch the cartoon.
Put on an opera.
Conduct an experiment by actually planting a turnip.

Do you think that in this case the children would remember the fairy tale? 100%!

Homework. Take any topic that is difficult for you to explain to your parents: why snowboarding is better than alpine skiing; what's good about rap; why YouTube is a window to the world. Now present it to your parents in five different ways to get your point across.

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Demonstrative silence

Sit in the corner of the room, take a sullen pose and a hostile expression on your face, and with your eyes send offended glances at your parents... This is also not the best tactic in a quarrel. Yes, this “war” can go on forever - a day or two, and then you yourself won’t like it, because in this way you won’t achieve what you want, but will only worsen the situation in the family.

The worst thing is that other family members may suffer - brothers, sisters, grandparents and even pets - cats, dogs, rabbits... Often, two sides try to find allies in these people. Imagine this situation: you quarreled with your mother, told your younger sister about it, who shared the news with her grandfather, who did not share your opinion. And poor Tuzik becomes the last one - the favorite of the family, because both you, grandfather, and mother want to take a walk with him, but because of your conflicts, no one can decide who will do this task. Who benefits from this?

Is it possible not to quarrel with your mother, but to live in peace and harmony?

If you want to live in peace and harmony with your mother, then you can achieve this, even if she has a grumpy character. However, this circumstance is rarely the main cause of quarrels - more often mothers and daughters quarrel due to simple misunderstandings. Suggest to your mother not to swear, but to try to find a compromise in any controversial situations. At the same time, it is important to move from words to action, and not to “pull the blanket over yourself” in the event of a conflict, but to try to resolve the difficulties that have arisen. Well, and most importantly, you need to be more tolerant and remain calm if you understand that you are being unfairly accused. Most likely, your mother will appreciate your reaction and will listen to you just as calmly. If you realize that you are truly at fault, do not use the rule that the best defense is attack - have the courage to admit your mistakes.

Give each other time and space to think things through.

Most likely, you have already expressed to each other everything you think - and in unambiguous terms.
Now give yourself some time to be alone with yourself. You can sit in different rooms and think about what happened, but try not to spend the night in another place unless you think it is really necessary. By leaving the apartment, you add a feeling of indifference to an already difficult situation.

If the initiative to understand yourself and spend a little time alone with yourself comes from your partner, don’t pester him. Respect the decision he made and do the same - take time for yourself and try to sort out your feelings.

As a rule, the participant in the quarrel who is the first to decide to distance himself from it most likely does this because he sees its futility and decides to end it in order not to cause each other even more severe pain.

By stepping away at the right time, you may well avoid having to leave forever.

Well, it’s up to you to decide how far away from your partner you are and how much time you need to understand yourself. Only take the next steps on the path to healing when you feel that you are truly ready for them, otherwise they will not help and may even cause additional harm.