How to win over your interlocutor: 12 rules for a successful conversation

• September 6, 2018
• Psychology of communication
• Victoria Samarskaya

We all differ from each other not only in appearance. Some people come into this world with personal charisma and easily charm those around them, while others have to work hard to impress their interlocutor. How to win someone over? Are there any universal tips for those who want to acquire charm?

Brief information about the source

What will be taken as a basis? Carnegie Dale “How to Win People Over” is a work that answers a number of questions:

• How to make new friends while keeping old ones.
• How can you gain the trust of others?
• How to communicate effectively with people.
• Is it possible to find a common language with an initially conflicted person?
• How to influence someone else's opinion.
• How you can understand the feelings of others and control your own emotions.

What interests us most is how to win people over. The book was published in 1936 and immediately became a bestseller. It is still relevant, especially among people who have decided to start their own business. At the same time, the author does not hide:

All the ideas I admire are not mine. I took them from Socrates. I overheard Chesterfield. And he spied on Jesus. I wrote them all down in a book. (D. Carnegie)

Let's take a closer look at his advice.

Ability to speak clearly

At one time there was a popular video on YouTube where, at a meeting, one of the employees suggests how to improve sales, but no one reacts to it. The same ideas, but more confidently, are voiced by another person - and everyone applauds. You need to be able to speak so that you are heard. The ability to express your thoughts clearly and clearly will ensure 50% of your success, allowing you to convince others.

How to learn to speak clearly, reasonedly and without filler words? One successful woman gave me good advice on this topic - you need to prepare for each meeting eight times longer than it will last. The apparent ease of conversation in 95% of cases is explained by the fact that people thoughtfully structure the discussion, planning in advance what to say, when to say it, how to sit, stand, move, how to modulate their voice in a particular conversation scenario. It's like theater - if you want the viewer to be imbued with it, you need to make sure that your entire image corresponds to the words and emotions. The interlocutor should feel that everything you say is meaningful, analyzed, and your words can be trusted.

Use compliments to the point

Another powerful tool for influencing a person is a compliment in his direction. But there is a difference between a compliment and a compliment.

A good compliment is not what some young men do when trying to impress a girl. It looks unnatural and doesn't work.

The ideal compliment is a compliment to the place.

So, for example, a simple compliment that you like the color of a person’s shirt looks much more honest than loud statements that he is the smartest person you’ve ever met (especially considering the fact that you have known each other for no more than 10 minutes).

I understand that if you are not used to giving people compliments, then starting to do this can be a difficult task and the first attempts may look forced. But the truth is that every person has something that you might like about them, you just haven’t set out to see it before. Now put it on.

At each new meeting, try to find something that can raise the self-esteem of your interlocutor, and let him know about it. It doesn't have to be something complicated, it can all come down to a beautiful thing in his wardrobe, a delicate act, or a trait of his character. After all, what matters is not how significant it is for others. What matters is how important it is to that person.

Practice giving compliments until it becomes a habit.

Put on your doctor's coat

The longer a person talks, the more he trusts us. The longer we talk, the less sympathy we attract.

Remember the people who talk incessantly so that they do not allow others to get a word in edgewise. I'm sure I'm not the only one who prefers to cross to the other side of the road just to avoid meeting such a person. And if your goal is to gain sympathy for yourself, you shouldn’t be one of those people.

Don't talk about yourself; instead, be interested in the other person. Imitate doctors: they do not talk about themselves, but ask leading questions, encouraging the patient to talk more about himself. And then look into his eyes and listen as if he were telling some amazing story.

This advice may seem trivial, but look around and you will realize how many people do not do this: they click on their phones, their eyes wander and by all appearances they show that they are not interested in what is happening here.

“Mirror” gestures

We always subconsciously like people who look like us or act like us. That is why there is a scientific concept called isopraxy. Isopraxy is when we “mirror” the gestures of our interlocutor. Let's say, if he folds his arms across his chest and you do the same, then you have a better chance of making him like you more. If your interlocutor crosses his legs, do the same. In addition to gestures, you can add such a thing - adapt to the person’s breathing, that is, inhale and exit at the same interval as your interlocutor. Of course, you shouldn’t go to extremes; if you repeat every gesture of your interlocutor or deliberately openly adjust to your breathing, then this may look too intrusive and ridiculous.

Ability to structure a problem

You can move on to finding a solution only after it becomes clear to both of you what problem you are trying to solve. Many mothers, by the way, hone this skill in communicating with children - they need to find out what really bothers the child when he demands ice cream or something else. You can help a person understand what he really wants by correctly formulating questions.

An important point: when you, by carefully listening to your interlocutor, have found out his real task, you need to summarize the essence so that the interlocutor hears his thoughts in a structured form and passes it through himself. A good psychologist does not tell you what to do, but through leading questions helps you understand the problem and understand it. It’s the same in client business - we don’t bring a ready-made solution, we have to develop it together with the company so that it can be implemented.

Sincere interest

There are only two ways to expand your circle of acquaintances: either show interest in others, or talk about yourself and your importance. Both will lead to results, but the first is much more effective. Because people will definitely respond and reciprocate to someone who is sincerely interested in their lives.

Let's focus on the fact that pretense will be immediately noticeable. Intonation, body language, and emotions will tell a person about this. Therefore, it is important not only to identify the interests of the interlocutor, but also to find a response to them in your heart.

President Roosevelt was an extremely educated man. He owes the breadth of his knowledge to his desire to get to know the person with whom he was to conduct a dialogue. He always started the conversation with something that aroused his opponent’s interest, showing competence in this matter.

But this technique is not an exhaustive answer to the question of how to win over your interlocutor.

Main conclusions

• Sincere interest and sympathy for a person is the basis for building good relationships.
• Communication skills can and should be improved constantly.
• The impression created at the first meeting is very important: it can lead to long-term cooperation or, on the contrary, make it impossible.
• A warm smile, attention and interest in the interlocutor will help you gain favor at the first meeting.
• Be kind, find common ground, and make the person feel important. This will help you gain trust and build good relationships.

How to gain trust

To build a good relationship with a person, you need to gain his trust and arouse sympathy. The advice of psychologists will help with this. However, on your part there must be a sincere interest in the person whose favor you want to gain. Pretense and ingratiation are clearly visible, unless, of course, you are a professional sycophant.

1. Find common ground. Find out what your friend's hobbies are. Common interests bring people together. If there are none, find a common topic: work, finances, food. Or ask him to tell him about his hobby. Showing interest in what is dear to the heart will evoke pleasant emotions.
2. Give compliments. You can always find something to praise a person for. Let the compliment be small, but sincere. So, it is better to note the beautiful color of a shirt than to admire the intelligence of someone you have known for 10 minutes. A compliment can be indirect, when you praise not the interlocutor, but what is dear to him. For example, “you have a well-mannered child,” “your home is a dream,” “skydiving is for the brave.” There is another technique: a compliment against the backdrop of a small remark. This way you will attract attention and be remembered. It could be: “I prefer to communicate with men about business, but you are a very interesting conversationalist.” It is important here not to overdo it with the remark, otherwise you will not win sympathy.
3. Value your and other people's time. This is a very valuable resource, so if you waste it on lateness and idle chatter with business partners, your image will suffer. Be punctual, complete everything on time and try to keep things to the point.
4. Make the person feel needed. Everyone has a need to feel significant; don’t be afraid to show that you really need the knowledge or skills of your interlocutor. Use phrases: “I want to consult with you,” “I need to know your opinion,” etc.
5. Ask for a small favor. We begin to feel some involvement in the lives of those we have helped. Therefore, the one who helped you becomes emotionally closer to you.
6. Help yourself. If you are asked for help, do it. Of course, to the best of your ability.
7. Watch how a person wants to look and make him feel like that. Again, no need to lie. Sometimes people focus on those virtues that a person is indifferent to. For example, a girl wants her intelligence to be appreciated, but everyone talks about her beautiful eyes. She will certainly appreciate it if you highlight what is important to her.
8. Live the adventure together. A special bond arises between people who have experienced strong emotions together. You become part of an important moment in a person's life, and the way they treat you can change greatly after that.

Hands in the interlocutor's field of view

Sometimes it's hard to know what to do with your hands, especially if you're a bit of a nervous person. I just want to hide them somewhere so that they don’t flicker under my eyes. And as a result, a person begins to hide them behind his back, in his pockets, or cross them, taking a closed pose. Thus, he pushes his interlocutor away from himself. He seems unfriendly, closed, and also insecure.

It's important to keep your hands visible so you don't look like you're hiding something.

Avoid positions where you appear to be on the defensive and in a defensive stance. Do not cover yourself with your hands, do not hide your palms.

Smile widely

You may find this advice too cliché, but believe me, smiling broadly is the fastest way to build trust.

A wide smile is a gesture that monkeys use when they want to show other primates that they are not a threat. Man is a primate. We come from the same ancestor as the apes. And this is inherent in us by nature - to smile and show open palms when we want to win over a person.

And yes, you may not believe in evolution, in common ancestors, and in the fact that man is a primate, but this trick works even without it.

Try it and you will see how much easier it is for you to win someone over, how much more willing people will listen to you and how much more comfortable they will feel in your company.

When I use the expression “smile wide,” I don’t mean that you need to put on an artificial smile all over your face, but I’m just saying that you need to try to smile naturally so that it doesn’t look like a fake grin. And this skill comes with practice. Two minutes a day in front of the mirror in the morning when brushing your teeth will be enough to practice a friendly smile.

Put "quotes"

When you need to say something unpleasant to your interlocutor or ask a question that he does not want to hear, the technique of detachment or intonation quotation marks helps. It works like this: you say what you think is necessary, but not on your own behalf. For example: “I myself would never ask this question, but they asked me to find out”, “now is a difficult moment, I don’t want to say this, but management asked me to tell you” or “in my place, some tactless person could ask...”.

To maintain a friendly atmosphere, you can indicate that this unpleasant episode will be taken out of the confidential conversation: “And then we will immediately return to our conversation.”

Remember, it is not at all necessary to give a person dirt on you in order to gain his trust. You can operate with insignificant things, surrounding them with an aura of significance. In addition, not all actions are weighed on scales and assessed in hard currency; sometimes the right impulse is enough.

How to show indifference?

When a person is relaxed, he leans towards the interlocutor and takes an open pose, leaving vulnerable parts of the body - the stomach, chest - without protection. We try to close these places if we don’t want to communicate or what we hear worries us. Many people know about crossed arms, but few people pay attention to the wrist. They are the ones who most accurately show a person’s true attitude. We have already learned to control our arms and legs, but our wrists still “live their own lives.” On a date or business meeting, pay attention to how the other person holds a glass or cigarette. If a new acquaintance likes you, he will more often turn his palm towards you, while an indifferent one will show the back of his hand

A smile encourages communication

Pexels Photos

Dale Carnegie wrote: “Joy and hope are always attractive and attractive; gloominess and despair are never attractive” (from the book “The Art of Winning Friends”).

An interlocutor who is always serious becomes boring too soon. Do you want to be the soul of the conversation? Then you need to have a couple of jokes in stock. The main thing is that they are cheerful and decent.

The more open and sincere you are with people, the better your ability to communicate will be. Many people lack self-confidence and are therefore very fearful and cautious. Open up to your interlocutor. Trust and friendliness are valued in communication.

Swing bridges of communication

Turning bridges of communication are some phrases that the interlocutor said in your previous conversation, and you are mentioning them now. For example, you say to your interlocutor: “Do you remember the story you told about the cat who walked 32 kilometers to pass the house last time? So, I told this story to my mother-in-law - she simply cried with emotion.” Or, for example, like this: “Do you remember, last time you recommended a good tour operator. So, we turned to him, and they helped us find an excellent last minute tour. Thank you". Or even like this: “That time you said that another tie would fit under this shirt. I changed it immediately.” Turning bridges of communication show how important the interlocutor is to you and how much you remember every meeting with him, his words or advice. You emphasize the importance of dating and communication for you.

Article on the topic

“Friend” is “another me.” Why are we friends?

Smile and control of emotions

The easiest way to make a good impression is to smile. She always speaks for herself: “I’m glad to see you.” Can the sight of a gloomy and dissatisfied person make you feel positive? A suspicion immediately arises that it was this meeting that caused such emotions.

A smile is especially important in the first moments of communication, and during a dialogue you should strive to control your emotions. You cannot constantly expect praise or approval from your communication partner. Having made his condition dependent on this, a person finds himself in the position of a participant in a roller coaster ride. He gets inspired from compliments, and gets upset from criticism.

The steering wheel of feelings should be in the hands of the person himself. This is the only way to stop worrying and win people over. Emotional stability has a good effect on relationships, leads to an optimistic outlook on life, increased tone. The author himself said this:

A person who seeks approval from others trusts his happiness to strangers. (D. Carnegie)

Energetic and confident gait

Not everyone can walk with energy and confidence. Some people have a shuffling gait, timid and sluggish. Of course, we will not always be able to control it, especially if a confident gait is not typical for us, but we can do this intentionally in order to interest ourselves.

Walking may seem like a small thing. But we form an impression of a stranger even before he approaches us. And gait plays a big role here, namely, what kind of energy it carries.

Watch your hands

The first impression of a stranger is formed in less than a second. In a short time, we evaluate a person primarily by how he looks. Why are hands important? According to Navarro, clothing is no longer such an obvious indicator of status, but good health is as sure a sign of a successful person as it was hundreds of years ago. After all, maintaining it requires time and money.

Hair and face, according to the expert, are also not the most reliable indicator due to the fickleness of fashion. But hands are another matter: they are either well-groomed or not. “Whether we are on a date or in the office, we always tend to evaluate a person based on how healthy and well-groomed his hands look,” the ex-agent concluded.

Tips: What to Avoid

We have listed psychological techniques and methods: smiling, using names during dialogue, listening skills, showing sincere interest, emphasizing the importance of the interlocutor and discussing a topic that is significant to him. What other recommendations can be gleaned from the books of the great teacher and speaker?

When solving the problem of how to win someone over, you should categorically exclude the following points:

• Criticism.
• Complaints.
• Condemnation.

Nobody craves to receive negative emotions in the process of communication. If we assume the above, then we can significantly narrow the circle of people interested in dialogue with us. When we criticize, we include an element of our own superiority; when we complain, we try to present ourselves as a victim, which is equally unpleasant for the interlocutor.

There is another important tip to keep in mind: when communicating, you should not rely solely on logic. A person lives more by emotions, so he receives information not so much from well-structured phrases, but from the intonation, gestures and facial expressions of the speaker.

Ask an unexpected question

Give your interlocutor the opportunity to look at the topic of your discussion in a new way. Journalist Valery Agranovsky in one of his books told how, while trying to interview a taciturn specialist, he asked his interlocutor how many steps he took during a work shift.

Another time he had to do an interview with a physicist who asked him to send questions in advance, but ready-made answers would not give the feeling of a live conversation. And so, when he came to the meeting, Agranovsky saw diagrams on the board and asked why atoms are always drawn in round shapes, and not in rhombuses, for example. The physicist thought - why, really? The question piqued his interest and became the starting point for an exciting conversation.